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Feeling overwhelmed.

Monday, April 28, 2014

This is not going to be a sunny, walk-in-the-park blog, unfortunately. I had surgery for my shoulder on the 24th of April. I'm back at work today, thanks to the fact that I do not get sick leave and only 15 days of paid vacation a year, so I had to use vacation days to get the surgery done and have a few days of recovery.

I am so overwhelmed financially from my medical expenses, it's beyond ridiculous. I only get paid once a month, and last month I had a lot of travel that I still haven't been reimbursed for, resulting in a $1400 bank account deficit. I had over $300 just in overdraft charges before I could transfer some money from my HSA into my checking account to cover the overdrafts. But then, my automated medical bill payments going through my HSA bounced. So now I have even more fees to pay. I still have to make it 2 more days before I get paid to even begin to try to sort all of this out and start making payments.

There is nothing more frustrating in the world than not having money to pay your bills, I think. I have spent more than 15% of my salary on medical issues so far this year. How in the world am I supposed to pay all that back when I am barely making ends meet as it is? I owe so much money at this point, it will take me years to pay it all back.

I struggled for a long time over the decision to get the surgery. I felt it was unfair that I had to decide between taking care of myself physically or financially. I chose to get the surgery because in part, the long-term costs would have added up to more than the surgery, but now that I am in a huge financial hole, I feel incredibly stuck. How will I ever pay off this huge debt? I don't own anything of value I can sell. Finding a second job is difficult because my first job requires travel, often with little warning/scheduling. I can't get a pay raise at my current job - I get a review once a year, and I was already told that I do not bring in enough revenue to justify a raise this year.

I'm just not sure what to do - we've done a budget, and I'm putting as much as I can aside every month to pay off my debt, but I'm not even keeping my head above water right now. I'm one car repair or vet visit away from completely going underwater.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

XFITSTRONG 4/28/2014 2:31PM

    Hugs! I am so sorry for your circumstances. We are also in a similar boat and it sucks. I am praying for a successful recovery from your surgery! I am sure it will have been worth it. Take care!

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CARILOUIE 4/28/2014 2:05PM

    I hear you on the financial stuff. Everything you write in here? I totally get it. So I'm sending good thoughts and hopefully things will turn around soon.

My grandmother used to say "isht gelt," "It's just money." While I think it's hard to have that mindset all the time, someday you'll look back and think "I'm really glad I got the surgery when I did."

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Cruising along into Spring.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

I'm ready for Spring. I'm ready for change. The past couple of months have been a little rough, but as this month is coming to a close, I can look back and see the progress that has been made and the path ahead a little clearer. Maybe.

I saw three orthopedic surgeons about my shoulder. I am currently doing acupuncture, and I have returned to CrossFit (still with some modifications), but I have arthroscopic surgery scheduled for April 24. I have no idea how I will pay for it, as there are zero dollars in my bank account right now, but, hey, at least it's on the schedule and I can hopefully get past the shoulder pain that has been holding me back for over a year now.

Since stopping CrossFit, I gained a few pounds and lost a few pounds. I'm now at 121-122, but I know my muscle:fat ratio has shifted, and not in a good way. Still, I feel like sticking to the Paleo diet after all the Holiday Hulabaloo helped me to lose the weight I had gained and is keeping me from gaining much fat back even though I am not as active as I was a few month ago. I'm slowly returning to CrossFit, and it is really hard, because I remember what I used to be able to do but I just can't do it anymore. At least, not yet. Still, I know I can work my way back up to that level of fitness, it will just be a process.

My bf and I have had a number of discussions about our future and I think we are both committed to planning a life together, getting married, and possibly having kids. I say possibly because at 38, I'm not sure what to expect as far as my fertility goes. We both agree we want to be married before kids, so I will probably be 39 by the time we start trying. Plus, the idea of kids is still somewhat foreign to me - I've spent my whole life trying not to have them, and never wanting them. But as I said, I'm ready for change; I'm not sure I'm ready for this kind of change, but I think with kids, no one is ever really ready for them. But anyway, that will certainly shift pretty much everything in my life around.

It's interesting the amount of pressure that I'm experiencing now - it feels like a whole bunch of things have to happen in a very short period of time. Part of it has to do with the very real "biological clock" phenomenon, but maybe also with the fact that I finally am starting to feel like I both want a life with a husband and a family and that I can actually, really have it. That realization is both exciting and terrifying, because it means a whole big mess of change, and really, my life has been "my" life up until this point. Learning how to make a marriage work, and a marriage with kids, seems like a pretty major project. And not one that you can really just change your mind about once you head down that path.

So. This is supposed to be a fitness and food blog, but there's not much new to report on that front. I am working to get back into the swing of CrossFit every day, and part of it is that February is just a downer of a month and I hate exercising in February. Once the days start to warm up and the sun is shining a little stronger and a little longer each day, I know I will perk up - running outside will start to actually sound appealing, getting in a good morning workout will spark more motivation instead of leaving me exhausted, and just being able to be outside in general without a down parka on will set the ball in motion.

Things are happening. Change is on the horizon.


Tracking 101.

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

I'm back at it. Tracking calories. Almost 2 months of virtually no activity (except eating and drinking) due to my shoulder issue has led me to be not-so-enamored with my body, anymore. Things are not as they should be, with the additional 4 pounds back on my frame, so it is back to the beginning.

I'm working hard to not feel frustrated with myself for this lack of progress, or, actually, for the backwards progress. It's ok, it happened. I'm dealing with an ongoing, chronic pain situation in my shoulder that has been getting worse as time goes by. I needed to take the break from lifting and other arm-centric movements to see if I could help it heal. It was important for me to do that. But now it's important that I get back on the horse.

I'm trying to come to terms with the idea that my shoulder may not get better for a long time, if at all. The increase in pain despite nearly complete rest is alarming, to say the least. I'm not sure what to expect, now, since nothing has been able to resolve the pain. My current determination is just to begin to slowly reintroduce push-ups, pull-ups, and strength training, and just accept that I will continue to have issues with it for the foreseeable future. To allow the rest of me to go downhill is not acceptable.

So, it's Day 1 of Tracking for me today. Again. This is good, because it's a start.


Post-holiday Blahs. Blah.

Monday, January 06, 2014


That about sums it up.

I feel yucky.

The holidays were stretched out over 3 weeks because of travel back to Iowa to visit my boyfriend's family, and that in combination with a request (a demand, really) from my physical therapist to stop ALL crossfit for a month led to me gaining 3 pounds (seemingly overnight).

Add to that the fact that my shoulder hurts worse than ever even after a month of ABSOLUTELY NO arm stuff at all, AND I have some sort of weird sinus infection/head cold/mucus party in my nose and throat going on that is gross and makes me super-crabby.

Plus, bf decided to have one of his freak-outs last night, for, as far as I can tell, NO REAL REASON AT ALL, and slept in the guest bedroom. It doesn't matter what I say or do at this point - he's just going to be upset until he decides he's done being upset, and it seems like he really, really just wants to be upset. I swear, he's so sensitive sometimes it's almost as if I'm the guy. I honestly have done and said everything I can think of to resolve the situation, but nothing I do is good enough to fix it. Or he just wants to be upset. Sigh.

I am just done, you know? Spent. I'm SO tired of this shoulder issue. I just had my second cortisone shot last week, and theoretically I can start introducing arm stuff into my workouts next week, but only gradually, and moderately. Gradual and moderate are not two words that can be used with crossfit. It's not as if there are 10 push-ups in a WOD, or 5 pull-ups. Not ever. So I can go back, but building up my shoulder and arm strength will have to occur outside of the box, on my own time, and I'll have to continue to modify the I can't believe I have continued to have pain, and that it has in fact gotten worse since quitting crossfit. When I went back to the doctor to get a follow-up and I expressed my frustration, she basically blamed me for not going to physical therapy enough (uh, hello, holidays, work travel, and the fact that the PT office is overbooked and it takes 2 weeks just to get 1 appointment?!!!) and told me I am not a candidate for surgery - there is nothing to do surgery on, she said.

Well, I never said I wanted surgery, but if there is nothing to do surgery on, why is my arm still hurting and why is it getting worse with NO activity? That makes no sense at all. Whatever they are doing, it is NOT helping me to get better. I am very close to giving it one more week and then saying, "F&*% it, I'm doing whatever I want - pull-ups, push-ups, muscle-ups, overhead squats, you name it, and I'm going to do it until I give you something to do surgery on."

Holy geez that was a lot of complaining.

It's just super frustrating. I'm really, really unhappy with my weight gain and feeling gross and lazy and old and broken and you name it. It stinks.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ASK_STRATMAN 1/6/2014 2:08PM

    You will make it through. 3 pounds seems like a lot, but think of it this way it could have much more. Make the little changes, focus on lower body and core. And let the boy be grumpy, at least he slept in the other room, my hubby just tosses and turns all night in our bed which keeps me up and makes me grumpy! He will get over his mood swing when he is good and ready jist don't let him take you down with him! Breathe and you will be ok, then great, then awesome, then epic!!!

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NEWLITTLE1 1/6/2014 1:43PM

    emoticon All will be ok and when you are medically cleared to do what you want to you will feel better. Think of it this way, may fared way worse than 3 lbs over the hlidays so you are doing really well still. Hope you feel better

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Lower Body Exercise Ideas?

Thursday, November 14, 2013

So, I am finally deciding to take a break from any and all exercises that involve my shoulders, on the advice of my physical therapist. That means no push-ups, burpees, pull-ups, jerks, cleans, snatches, kettlebell anythings, push-presses, etc.

I think I can safely do front squats, back squats, and deadlifts.

But I need some other exercise ideas for substituting out moves in the WOD. I could use some moves to strengthen my back and core, and I tend to get stuck in a rut when trying to think of lower body exercises, so I could use some ideas. Anything with weights where my arms can stay down at my sides is ok, like dumbbell lunges, for example, but I'm sure there are other moves I'm not thinking of.

Please add to my list!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUE5007 11/14/2013 1:57PM

    Running, walking, jumping jacks, high knees, fast feet, wall sits, long jumps, running up stairs/bleachers, anything that makes you balance on one foot or on a ball...especially if you are holding weights would be hard.

What about kick boxing? You would have to move your arms but you wouldn't have weight on them so maybe it would be okay? And the standing on one foot to kick/balance is good for your core and lower body.

Or maybe Yoga? Holding a triangle pose for 30 seconds is harder than it looks!

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SUZIPAM1 11/14/2013 11:55AM

    what about walking

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