Thursday, September 22, 2011
Am I ready for this? Am I really? I've only lost 11 pounds and already the compliments, from people who don't even know I've lost any weight, are coming. On my lunch break today, the landlord (who happens to be a younger/attractive guy) told me that I looked "really good today". Uhhhhh, what?????? 254.2 people, yeah, um, can I handle compliemnts already. I just smiled and said thanks. But I'm a little wierded out. OK, really wierded out. I'm not used to favorable attention for my looks, maybe my witty personality, or something else non-looks related, but men don't usually compliment my looks. I mean I've known the landlord for 2.5 years, never anything remotely complimentary has ever come out of his lips towards me. Uh, help me!!! Cuz I'm imagining this is only the begining????? What did you guys do in this situation? Did it make you feel wierd? I've just been so heavy for so long, still am, and am finally realizing that I won't be forever, and how am I going to deal with this? I've never been the right weight for my height, EVER. I was an overweight child, the last time I was a normal weight, I was 4. OK, so, any ideas people? I don't want to be freaked everytime a compliment comes. But I don't want to get a big head. I mean I have a long way to go before I'm going to have to worry about the kind of attention I am worried about..............BUT already???? 11 pounds???? Yikes, this is wierd.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
I just finished my second 5K attempt, and although I thought I might turn around before getting halfway, I pushed myself, and finished 5 minutes faster than my last attempt, which wasn't even a full 3.1....(?) miles. I am really impressed with myself this morning!! I didn't run that much or that fast, but I did power walk the whole time I wasn't running, and I am a big pool of sweaty goodness right now. I feel sorry for my workout clothes! One thing that was hard is I have a plantars wart on the ball of my left foot, so I compensate for the pain there and place my weight on my heel and now that hurts too. So the whole left foot is in a lot of pain, and I still did great on my walk/jog. Yes, today is a great day. Also thanks to my good friend FREETHEGODDESS I have been really inspired by some of the most AMAZING blogs these last few days. It is just overwhelming what the human spirit can acheive with a little knowledge, love and encouragement! I love this community so much and am so proud and overjoyed to be a part of it!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I am seeing an ebb and flow to my hunger. The last two mornings I have not been hungry at all. I forced myself to eat, and I felt really sick afterwards. This morning was the same, and I just haven't eaten. I am still not hungry and it is nearly 12:20 pm. I have heard a bit about intuitive eating on here, but it seems to go against the spark regulations on calorie intake/outake ranges. I don't want to sabotage my health or weight loss, but I just can't eat when I am not hungry. I have burned nearly 400 calories this morning on my bike ride and I don't know why I am not hungry. It is a little wierd because I have spent the last 10 years being hungry 80% of the time, no matter how much I ate. I am going to go to the message boards to see if I can get an answer to this calorie intake/outake/intuitive eating issue. I really don't want to hurt myself, but I can't be sick just because I am forcing myself to eat. Has anyone expereinced this yet? Is this just a normal part of the journey?
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
I know that blogging everday may be a bit excessive in some people's view, but for me it is becoming a ritual that is really helping me through the rest of the day. Each day is new, with new emotions, feelings, energy levels, and ideas of what my day is going to look like. This morning is a low level day. Yesterday was the first day I did not exercise since begining SP, and I am really feeling down about breaking that streak. I was really proud of it. And I am kind of telling myself that I did get a little exercise because I was out all day, walking here, walking there, but deep down I still feel a little hurt that I didn't atleast take those ten minutes for a little jog when I got home. I am feeling the sadness now, even this morning, I feel a bit depressed I guess, just lacking any energy, or momentum for this day. Yesterday was a really busy day, and I don't have those as often as some people do. I do not have children living with me, and my husband is gone from the house three nights a week. So I have a lot of free time to do what I want, when I want. I guess I have just become spoiled by that. I was derailed by one filled up day! I was exhausted yesterday though, and had to take a nap, and still feel quite tired today. I guess instead of being sad about not exercising today, I just have to start this morning on the right foot. Beleive that today is a new day, with new energy and feelings and tasks at hand. I really want to take on my local 5k route again, but I just don't know if I am up for that this morning or not. I am trying as hard as I can not to do the negative self talk, but it is quite difficult to break years and years of practice at something. I know it can be broken, and it is just one day, one step at a time. I think I might have been quite attatched to my negative feelings, using that energy to fuel me when I am down. This is almost a disturbing realization for me to open my eyes to, but I feel myself almost wanting to be depressed, not wanting to look at the bright side. All these emotions I usually cover up to the point where they are unrecognizable, this is my life now. Dealing with them, seeing them for what they are, accepting them, attempting to transform them. It is quite a task, but there is nothing I'd rather be doing. I guess I understand when people say that they need to work on themselves, I never quite got that. But it is work, it is work to acknowledge, and address your needs on a daily basis. Quite different this new world of mine it, very much different than I had initially thought. I just had no idea the magnitude of what I was dealing with as an emotional eater. Food really has been used as a drug to cope with my life, every aspect of it. Now, without my trusted companion, my sugar and white flour and excesses, it is just such a foreign world out there. I'm so used to being half awake, not really experiencing anything, numb, comfortably numb. But as it turns lately, not so comfortably numb. My overeating has began to really affect my body, how it feels during activity and during rest. So, by purging my emotions onto this page, day in and day out. I am becoming my own counselor. Healing my own wounds. Accepting myself as I am, and moving forward into who I want to be. I really had no idea how powerful the prospect of change could be in my life. It is my shining star, I will not let it go, I will not turn my head. I will stay focused, as intently as I can on the path ahead. Onward and upward my dear ones, we are in this together.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Went to the local wildlife refuge yesterday. I usually go there during the wetter months when there are more birds and lots of water, but it was pretty out there now too.
I also went to the best bible study I have ever been to last night. My husband found a new church that we have been to about three times now. And although I would rather be going to a local church where we can meet people from our own city, I am really enjoying this new place. I have never been around more humble and knowledgable people. Last night the worship leader and the pastor and their wives met at the pastors house with four others besides us. It was a very educational, intimate, comfortable setting. I didn't feel condemned or put on the spot or out of place like I have often felt in similar settings. I am feeling like I might have finally found my community I've been searching for for years now. As I have said before, I am more on the fringe of spiritual practices, I usually don't fit into traditional settings very well. But for some reason this church just feels different. I am hoping it is the humble, Christ honoring, community changing, loving entity that I have been dreaming of for awhile now. If it is, then being a part of it is the answer to years of prayer.
Today is my Sunday, since I have Sunday/Monday off, and I am spending it with Grandpa. We are going to Sacramento for a doctors appointment and then meeting two of my siblings for lunch. I am not looking forward to eating out again, since I ate out twice this weekend already. But I haven't gone over my calories in quite a few weeks now and am slowly learning how to order according to my needs, so I'm sure it will all go well. It's always nice to spend time with the fam. Hope you all have a beautiful, sparky start to your week.
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