Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I don't know about most of you, but I definitely have a complex when I exercise. I don't go to a gym, so I don't have people surrounding me when I work out, most of my exercise is outside or in my house. But I still have this embarrased feeling that people walking or driving by are just staring at my fat as I attempt my best at running or even walking as fast as possible. And the thing is, what if they are? What if they are staring, is that going to hurt me? And in all reality, no one is probably even looking in my direction at all. I do live in a relatively small city though, and I do see people I know everywhere I go. On my morning walk the other day a client of mine passed me on his bike, so I do know that I am not all alone out there on the streets. And I don't know why I think when I dress up in my jeans and non workout shirts that I look magically so much better, I never seem to be too embarrased dressed like that. I do have a shorts phobia, and I've been wearing them often for my outdoor exercise activities. I am really seeing that I have to change the way I look at myself, because this fat girl defense mechanism is really stressing me out. I don't want anyone to see me exercising, and so I don't want to exercise. Isn't that silly? I know it is. And I'm not going to let this insecurity get the best of me, I refuse. I guess I've just been in denial so long about the problem and now that I am staring it in the face everday I am seeing many layers to my thinking/emotional nature that I am not really proud of, and didn't even really know existed. So, this is a wild journey, I have a feeling there is going to be a lot more to this than just happy butterflies and rainbows everyday. But instead of these hard feelings getting the best of me, I'm going to get them, and put them right where I want them, eating my dust as I take my best attempt at a morning run. So, if someone is looking at me, hope they get a real good look, because they are not going to see me this size for too much longer. I am going to dance this dance as long and hard and big as I can. I will slay today's monsters, and in doing so, equip myself for the road ahead. March on you brave soldiers, there is no turning back on this mission.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Down 5.2 pounds in 14 days. This is so exciting. And although I am being pretty serious about my eating habits and exercise, I am not killing myself. I don't feel deprived of food, in fact I wanted to take pictures of my meals yesterday, they were so yummy and wonderful. And although I am trying to push myself in my exercise time, I'm not killing myself. Just as much as I can do, nothing too crazy. That's it!! I never would have thought that the rememdy to my decade long dilema could really be this easy. I have heard it my whole life, eat less, exercise more. Yeah, well, I always thought you had to eat so much less it would be unbearable, and exercise more than was possible for me to acheive. I really had myself fooled on this whole weight loss/healthy living thing. I just didn't realize it was so easily attainable. I mean, I'm not to my goal weight by any means, but this early success will give me the strength I need to continue through the plateaus. I am really amazed a what sparkpeople is doing in my life. I can't beleive it is free, and I can't get over all the constant support that you get here. I am a very happy girl. Oh, and prayer works, everyday atleast once I ask God to give me the strength, to help me through this, and everday I have it. God led me here, and each day leads me to a new and brighter me. Without my faith I would never be here, and for this I am so humbled, and so in awe of the power of the force that created this beautiful ball we a call Earth and all of it's diverse inhabitants. Glory be to God in the HIGHEST!!!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
OK, I have some confessions to make, I've been eyeing you skinny girls for years now, making up ideas in my head about why I might possibly be better than you. Why your smooth, long legs make you look like a hootchie, and why you are just running around in your short shorts to get attention from every man that passes you. OK, I admit it, and I consider myself a Christian, hmmmm, not exactly the love eachother mentality I am striving for. But, suddenly, slowly, I am looking at you all, now, this past week, wanting no longer to find some flaw, but instead to sit you down and ask how you do it. What keeps you motivated? And I want to give you a high five for doing it on your own, without the interactive, daily guidance from something like SparkPeople. To all you skinny/healthy people out there that I have been giving the evil eye to for more years that I can count, this fat girl is sorry. I think you are all beautiful and instead of trying to find your flaws, I am now going to use you as a source of inspiration. ( And to all you skinny people on here that did use SparkPeople, thank you too, because you are all a daily source of motivation for me.)
Saturday, August 27, 2011
I have been meeting my cardio and strength training goals and my calorie boundaries, and I have lost a few pounds and I am TIRED!! Is this normal? I am so tired! I am sure after awhile my body will get used to this new lifestyle, but for today I've been a little cranky because even getting off the couch seems a task I can't bear. I'm thinking maybe I need to just do more, maybe go swimming? Or maybe I'm doing too much? I just don't know??? This is all so new to me, the eating better, eating less, exercising regularly and as hard as I can. Yeah, this hasn't happened in my life in atleast 12 years, if ever. So I think my body is confused. I have been sleeping like a rock, for the past few nights. But last night I was so tired I couldn't do my scheduled cardio, so I passed out and did it today instead, which was supposed to be a rest day. I know it's not a sprint to the end, but I also know that if I don't push myself and see some results, I might not continue the way I want to. But I have to listen to my body. I am tired for some reason, I just haven't been this sleepy eyed in a really long time, really wondering if I am doing something wrong? Guess I'll go to the message boards and ask some questions.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Slept like a baby last night, good dreams, pillow felt like a fluffy cloud. AND I lost three pounds in 10 days. I am so excited because I had an intial loss of 2.4 pounds, and then gain of 3.4 pounds the first week. So now I have lost 3, and I am going to keep it off. I know it. I can feel it in these slowly strengthening limbs of mine! And the biggest mystery, what to eat, seems to be gradually figuring itself out. I kept figuring if I searched long enough on this site I would find a "diet" plan, one that told me all the things I could and couldn't eat and the portion sizes. Well I haven't found that, thank God, because I think with the inspiration and knowledge tools on here to choose how to meet my own nutritional needs I am so much better off than with a do A,B and C type of approach. I feel in control, and although it is spark guided growth, I feel like I am doing the work how I choose to. And that is making me feel enpowered and proud of the choices I am making, not a slave to someone elses plan that I don't really enjoy following. Been there, done that, it doesn't work for me. So I am giving myself a hug this morning, because I am proud to be me today. I'm on a path I've dreamt about for my whole adult life, a path that I'd pretty much given up on being possible for me. I have placed such importance on my health my whole life and when something is so important to you and you don't have it, and it seems like you never will, that becomes a source of constant desperation. And this morning, I don't feel that way. I feel confidant, secure, driven and motivated to be the very best I can be. This is what life is supposed to feel like.
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