Tuesday, September 11, 2012
I started SP just a bit over a year ago. I have met many people on here, and in various parts of my life that have completely transformed their bodies in that amount of time........a few of them losing over 100 pounds. For awhile I let that really get me down, and reinforce my negative self talk. But today, I am not going to do that, today I want to take a minute and retrace the steps I've taken in the last year.
This time last August I found SP and was addicted!! I didn't stop for about three months. In that time I lost over 20 pounds and felt great! I met lots of wonderful people on here and felt for the first time in my life that I could really achieve my health goals. I did things I never thought I'd do, never even knew I wanted to do. I ran/walked multiple 5Ks I rode my bike further and faster each day out. I got up to walking 6+ miles/day, I drank more water, cosistently than I'd ever had in my life. I was being comlimented on a weekly basis about how happy I looked, and how I had a "glow"! I counted calories to homemade meals I had dreamt up from using low fat, whole wheat and wheighed and measured portions. I was alive, and it felt great. I was seeing progress daily, in inches and pounds lost, and I loved it. I felt that nothing could/would ever stop me. I felt I had found the answer to the burning questions behind my obesity I'd longed to know for most of my life.
Then I got pregnant, my husband began to have panic attacks, lost his job and I began to unravel. I hadn't been that poor in my adult life, and I had never been pregnant. I was happy over the prospect of motherhood, and stressed about how to put food on the table. My husband's health worried me daily, and I struggled to maintain my momentum. Slowly I began to go back to my old ways of comfort eating, a little sugary treat here, a little extra portion there, and before I knew it, I had put all the weight back on plus a few extra pounds. I felt defeated, and hopeless. As my husband got back on his feet, after 5 month off of work, and we delt with the multiple financial issues that arose from that........including an emotional/painful miscarriage, I began to exercise a bit more. I was not really strong enough to be fully on track, but I did manage to have my first 1,000 fit mins month during that period. Not only was I exercising regularly, but so was my husband, and it felt great.
We struggled to balance the budget as he got back into work, and I delt with serious family problems. I thought at one point I would be saying good-bye to my baby sister forever.............due to complications with her mental stability, and our inability to convince her to get help. Between the miscarriage, unstable finances and my families sadness and turmoil, I came to the point where I stopped getting on SP regularly. I felt that all I had to share was pain and heartache, and facing that day after day was more than I could handle. As soon as I stopped logging on to SP, I stopped sparking in my daily life, and lived as I had for 31 years.........over eating, under exercising, and feeling downright miserable.
3 months ago, my husband and I made a very hard decision to move to Arizona based on our desire to be in my step-son's life on a regular basis. After picking up our lives, moving there..............and now coming back home after multiple unexpected obstacles arose, I am left frazzled, but somehow hopeful for a better tomorrow. 2012 has been a non-stop year for me, literally one trial after another. But through all these trials, in the back of my mind, and on the tip of my heart, I dreamt of the day when I could get back to what I know works, back to a stable lifestyle that supports my health, and happiness.
So, even though, as of today, I am only down 10 pounds from my starting weight a year ago.............I have been through more than I'd imagined possible to survive through! What I learned is, life happens, not as we plan, but what doesn't kill us, definitely makes us stronger. I feel stronger, wiser and more focused on what really matters in life than I ever have. I am greatful for what I have each day, humbled from my path and hopeful for what new horizons await me as as I pick myself up and dust myself off from the hurricane that has been my last year. I am really happy to have a platform like SP to help me pick up the peices and move forward.
So happy to be here now. So happy so many of you are still here. Logging on today felt like walking back into an old familiar place, where everyone knows my name.
Hope the summer has treated you all well, looking forward to seeing you all on a more regular basis. XOXOXOXO.
Friday, June 01, 2012
Life goes on. I've been in a whirlwind of immense proportions since I was on here last. We are moving to Arizona, which has come with a lot of emotions, fears, excitement and overall chaos! Tim is only home four days a month, so most of the packing, organizing and planning has been up to me. I started strong a few weeks ago, but since I am still working 6 days a week and we've been busy, busy, busy at work, I've lost bit of steam this week. I am overall quite excited about the move because we will be in my step-son's life on a regular basis now, and I have wanted that for years and years. I will be on my own for the most part, not knowing anyone, but that is a bit exciting............change can be good.
I haven't gained any weight since I was on here, but I haven't lost any either. I'm at a plateau that is under my starting weight, but nowhere near my dream wieght. Went on a nice, sweaty walk last night. I've cut my calories way down, due to the lack of exercise. Haven't been binging or emotional overeating, which means I have been dealing with my emotions head on, which is hard, but much better than drugging myself with food to dull the feelings.
I am going to a mini class reunion in July. Lots of old friends are invited, don't know who will show, I'm nervous and excited about that. Haven't seen most of them in 8+ years. I am also going to be seeing my grandmother who I haven't seen in probably 15+ years and my father who I haven't seen in about 4 years. It will be a reuniting weekend on all levels.
I have such mixed emotions about leaving my job.......I've worked pretty hard these last 3 years to build my clientele and establish a healthy reltionship with my boss. It will be hard to leave that, but I beleive we are moving for a good reason, and I am trying to be as positive as possible about it. I am originally from the desert, and although I never thought I would go back, I am really looking forward to the open spaces and deep peace that comes along with desert living. Also the heat is really good for my metabolism. I've gained over 60 pounds since I moved to the Sacramento area, and I do think the shorter, milder summers has a small part to play in that. I love long summers, and I love to swim, and I love to get tan and the sweat doesn't bother me, it actually feels like it purifies me. My brother just move to Tuscon, so he will be about 3 hours from us, I am happy to be able to be around my nieces again on a regular basis. They are such angels.
I hope to check in on all of my sweet spark friends to see what you are all up to. See if change is in the air for you all as well. Hope this summer is treating you all well, and I hope to stay a bit more active on here.............especially after the move and I get a bit settled.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Yeah, it was a bi-polar day, for sure!!! Woke up, read the last two Griffin and Sabine masterpieces. Was happy to FINALLY have my hands on them, read the very first one in high school.............and 14 years later, I've managed to read the last one. It was well worth the wait. I ADORE all the alchemical symbology, right up my alley. Busted my booty to clean the apartment, got spiffed up for the hubby before he came home, cleaned the car, bought new seat covers, struggled to put them on correctly, speed raced through Wal-Mart (yeah, I know, I hate that place, but it's the only place in town where I can get everything I need for my husbands trucking needs............otherwise I'd never go there) at like 9:00 am on my only day off, got hit on by a pretty cute, young, dread-lock-wearing man, who asked if he could help me with my bags at my car...........cute, but had to say no........., sped home, unloaded goods, sped to pick up hubby, ate my favorite salad at Applebee's, sped home, did laundery, wasted the rest of the afternoon whining about how Tim just got home today and will be leaving again for goodness knows how long at 6 am tomorrow, got really bummed out, managed to go on a walk, had dinner, laid down in bed, cried for about 20 minutes thinking that I won't be going to bed with Tim tomorrow night, and then got up because I couldn't bear it and came to see how my SP friends are doing. WHEW! Longest sentence of my life! So yeah, I've been trying as hard as possible not to overeat, and to get all my fit mins in, but I've been failing...........not miserably, just in comparison to how I know I could/should be. The emotions are just all over the page lately and I just don't have any other method to cope with them other than eating...............OK, that is a lie, eating is just the only method I had used to cope with them for sooooooooooooo long that it is the quickest/easiest way to NUMB myself. It even makes me sick to read these words, but it is the truth, the sad and desperate truth. So, I have to kick some booty and overcome this unhealthy pattern, and I do believe facing the truth is the first step............but I must admit from where I stand now, I just don't always know what the next LASTING step is. Oh well, atleast I have a community now, where I can talk about these things, and get it off my chest. And as long as I am on here, typing, reading, sharing, etc. I am not eating.................and that really is a HUGE improvement to where I am when I'm not on here. So maybe my new thing will be, whenever I am not at work, asleep, making/eating healthy meals, exercising, or otherwise engaged in healthy activity, I just need to be on SP, sharing, and learning and reading, and NOT eating to numb myself to emotions??? Sounds like a plan, wonder if I will do it????
Well, that is enough rambling for one night. After that young man hitting on me today, I did realize one thing...............I may not be anywhere near a healthy weight..............but I'm still lovely on the inside, and apparently not tooooo darn shabby on the outside either!!! Haaaaa, sad that that made my day in some little way..........I mean, it's always nice to be noticed. I've been married so long sometimes I forget that I was once attractive to other men........!!!!!! OK, good night sweet people. Let's hope tomorrow is a little less emotional and a little more balanced.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
I took exactly a week off. Last Monday I was on track, and not again until today was I anywhere near the track. And honestly, I don't feel as bad as I would have when I first started on SP, and I think this is a good thing. When life happens I think you need to embrace it, and not deny you emotions. Tim going over the road this week was harder than I'd expected, much harder. I've done it before, so I thought it would be a walk in the park. But it wasn't. I was a wreck. Last night was the first night I slept well since he's left, and that was induced by a pre bedtime glass of wine, which I never, ever do, but it worked last night.
So, I've got my 2.5 morning miles done, and am imagining another 2-3 miles after work. This break was just long enough to really feel like I was not on my routine, but just short enough for me to remember how good it feels to be on my routine. So, back on it I go. I did gain a couple pounds, because as I said..............I was so far away from the right path, I couldn't even remember what it looked like, atleast for a few days anyway. I am glad that I am OK with this. I really needed the time to process the change and accept what was happening to my happy little home life. After 1 week, I am already getting accustomed to the quiet time, and the extra time I get to spend on the phone or with friends without feeling like I'm taking away from married time. I've always said there are pro and cons to relationships like mine, where people spend considerable amounts of time apart. I think it is nice to be able to develop our own habits, and free time activities that are strictly based on our own likes and needs. We are so incredibly different, so it has always been one of us having to give in so the other can do what he/she wants. So, it's nice to do what I want without a discussion, all the time. BUT, nothing can substitute my snuggle bear when it comes time to go to bed. I really miss that more than anything. I think that is the very worst part,not having him there to relax with at night, hold hands with...............wahhhhh!!! I really don't like that part. But all in all, from my experience in the past with him being gone, it truly makes our time together special. We never fight, because we realize just how precious every moment is, and how we will be apart again in the blink of an eye.
He is on the two weeks out, two days home schedule, which is ludicrous that anyone works that schedule!! Esp. when he puts in close to 14 hours everyday! I've known people who only work 4, 12 hour days. How can professions vary soooo much in what they expect out of you, and how much you get paid to do it???? I would think truck drivers would get paid so much more. I mean someone has to do the job, or else we would never get anything to the stores, or anywhere for that matter. And yet, they are constantly tring to find a way to cut back the pay of those drivers...........and they work such long hours, and so many days a month, it's crazy. It's almost a 24 hour a day job when you realize that they are not coming home for weeks at a time. I'm not complaining..............we need the money, I just can't help but wonder why working conditions are what they are sometimes. Esp. when you are treated like a number, like the company could care less wether you live or die. I'm so glad I work for a small business, I just don't know if I could keep my mouth shut over some of the stuff that goes on out there.
OK, well I didn't really intend to bitch about that trucking industry this whole blog, but I see it as thereapy right now! If I get it out, maybe I won't stuff my face in order to deal with all the sad/mad emotions???
BTW, you people rock. I wasn't on here for even one second this week and I come back to lot's of sweet goodies. I love it!!! Thanks so much everyone!
One step at a time, this month is going to get real sweaty!
Sunday, April 01, 2012
Well, Tim left today to do his job training in Arizona for the Western regional driving job. I was a royal wreck this morning. Crying, crying, crying. You know it's going to be a long day when you wake up crying. I cried all through church. And then I had no more tears, so I napped for a few minutes, then got ready to take him to the airport. I went thrift shopping after that, didn't buy much, just roamed to keep my mind off the situation. When I came home I read a bit, watched a bit of TV, cleaned up a bit then realized it was just about the time we usually go on our daily walk. So, I hit the streets, 3.4 in 50 mins. Not record breaking, but overall good.
I am happy he has this job opportunity, very happy. And he is pretty happy too, which makes me glad to know he's excited about it. I just really had become so used to him being here that I went into a bit of panic this morning. Overall I feel better right now. The exercise has a way of doing that for me. I might even do another 2-2.5 miles later once the sun goes down a bit more.
My goals while Tim is gone over the road is the continually shed the pounds by consistantly watching my calories and exercising everyday. I also have some personal goals of deep cleaning the apartment, organizing all of the closets and storage and cabinets. I would also like to get a substantial new "cookbook" started for when he is home of healthy and delicious meals that he can have when he's home and to take on the road. I have slacked off on the cooking lately and we've just been making salads, tacos, sandwiches, soup, that kind of thing. I really want to get back into some better cooking habits, esp. since he will only be home a few days a month, gotta make those few meals count!!!
I am really thankful that I have some many positive outlets now, compared to when he was over the road in the past. I have SP of course, also Pinterest, FB, all my android games and my new Rosicrucian community, not to mention church and bible study. I have a good number of social and engaging outlets that I did not know about or have in the past, and this makes me very happy. I'm so thankful for being a part of this community. The whole SP experience has been truly life changing. I must admit it's my thoughts and not my body that has changed the most, but you have to start somewhere right?!!!!
Hope your weekend was worthwhile, and smile provoking. Catch you all later!
Get An Email Alert Each Time SOULFISH80 Posts