Monday, April 16, 2012
Yeah, it was a bi-polar day, for sure!!! Woke up, read the last two Griffin and Sabine masterpieces. Was happy to FINALLY have my hands on them, read the very first one in high school.............and 14 years later, I've managed to read the last one. It was well worth the wait. I ADORE all the alchemical symbology, right up my alley. Busted my booty to clean the apartment, got spiffed up for the hubby before he came home, cleaned the car, bought new seat covers, struggled to put them on correctly, speed raced through Wal-Mart (yeah, I know, I hate that place, but it's the only place in town where I can get everything I need for my husbands trucking needs............otherwise I'd never go there) at like 9:00 am on my only day off, got hit on by a pretty cute, young, dread-lock-wearing man, who asked if he could help me with my bags at my car...........cute, but had to say no........., sped home, unloaded goods, sped to pick up hubby, ate my favorite salad at Applebee's, sped home, did laundery, wasted the rest of the afternoon whining about how Tim just got home today and will be leaving again for goodness knows how long at 6 am tomorrow, got really bummed out, managed to go on a walk, had dinner, laid down in bed, cried for about 20 minutes thinking that I won't be going to bed with Tim tomorrow night, and then got up because I couldn't bear it and came to see how my SP friends are doing. WHEW! Longest sentence of my life! So yeah, I've been trying as hard as possible not to overeat, and to get all my fit mins in, but I've been failing...........not miserably, just in comparison to how I know I could/should be. The emotions are just all over the page lately and I just don't have any other method to cope with them other than eating...............OK, that is a lie, eating is just the only method I had used to cope with them for sooooooooooooo long that it is the quickest/easiest way to NUMB myself. It even makes me sick to read these words, but it is the truth, the sad and desperate truth. So, I have to kick some booty and overcome this unhealthy pattern, and I do believe facing the truth is the first step............but I must admit from where I stand now, I just don't always know what the next LASTING step is. Oh well, atleast I have a community now, where I can talk about these things, and get it off my chest. And as long as I am on here, typing, reading, sharing, etc. I am not eating.................and that really is a HUGE improvement to where I am when I'm not on here. So maybe my new thing will be, whenever I am not at work, asleep, making/eating healthy meals, exercising, or otherwise engaged in healthy activity, I just need to be on SP, sharing, and learning and reading, and NOT eating to numb myself to emotions??? Sounds like a plan, wonder if I will do it????
Well, that is enough rambling for one night. After that young man hitting on me today, I did realize one thing...............I may not be anywhere near a healthy weight..............but I'm still lovely on the inside, and apparently not tooooo darn shabby on the outside either!!! Haaaaa, sad that that made my day in some little way..........I mean, it's always nice to be noticed. I've been married so long sometimes I forget that I was once attractive to other men........!!!!!! OK, good night sweet people. Let's hope tomorrow is a little less emotional and a little more balanced.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
I took exactly a week off. Last Monday I was on track, and not again until today was I anywhere near the track. And honestly, I don't feel as bad as I would have when I first started on SP, and I think this is a good thing. When life happens I think you need to embrace it, and not deny you emotions. Tim going over the road this week was harder than I'd expected, much harder. I've done it before, so I thought it would be a walk in the park. But it wasn't. I was a wreck. Last night was the first night I slept well since he's left, and that was induced by a pre bedtime glass of wine, which I never, ever do, but it worked last night.
So, I've got my 2.5 morning miles done, and am imagining another 2-3 miles after work. This break was just long enough to really feel like I was not on my routine, but just short enough for me to remember how good it feels to be on my routine. So, back on it I go. I did gain a couple pounds, because as I said..............I was so far away from the right path, I couldn't even remember what it looked like, atleast for a few days anyway. I am glad that I am OK with this. I really needed the time to process the change and accept what was happening to my happy little home life. After 1 week, I am already getting accustomed to the quiet time, and the extra time I get to spend on the phone or with friends without feeling like I'm taking away from married time. I've always said there are pro and cons to relationships like mine, where people spend considerable amounts of time apart. I think it is nice to be able to develop our own habits, and free time activities that are strictly based on our own likes and needs. We are so incredibly different, so it has always been one of us having to give in so the other can do what he/she wants. So, it's nice to do what I want without a discussion, all the time. BUT, nothing can substitute my snuggle bear when it comes time to go to bed. I really miss that more than anything. I think that is the very worst part,not having him there to relax with at night, hold hands with...............wahhhhh!!! I really don't like that part. But all in all, from my experience in the past with him being gone, it truly makes our time together special. We never fight, because we realize just how precious every moment is, and how we will be apart again in the blink of an eye.
He is on the two weeks out, two days home schedule, which is ludicrous that anyone works that schedule!! Esp. when he puts in close to 14 hours everyday! I've known people who only work 4, 12 hour days. How can professions vary soooo much in what they expect out of you, and how much you get paid to do it???? I would think truck drivers would get paid so much more. I mean someone has to do the job, or else we would never get anything to the stores, or anywhere for that matter. And yet, they are constantly tring to find a way to cut back the pay of those drivers...........and they work such long hours, and so many days a month, it's crazy. It's almost a 24 hour a day job when you realize that they are not coming home for weeks at a time. I'm not complaining..............we need the money, I just can't help but wonder why working conditions are what they are sometimes. Esp. when you are treated like a number, like the company could care less wether you live or die. I'm so glad I work for a small business, I just don't know if I could keep my mouth shut over some of the stuff that goes on out there.
OK, well I didn't really intend to bitch about that trucking industry this whole blog, but I see it as thereapy right now! If I get it out, maybe I won't stuff my face in order to deal with all the sad/mad emotions???
BTW, you people rock. I wasn't on here for even one second this week and I come back to lot's of sweet goodies. I love it!!! Thanks so much everyone!
One step at a time, this month is going to get real sweaty!
Sunday, April 01, 2012
Well, Tim left today to do his job training in Arizona for the Western regional driving job. I was a royal wreck this morning. Crying, crying, crying. You know it's going to be a long day when you wake up crying. I cried all through church. And then I had no more tears, so I napped for a few minutes, then got ready to take him to the airport. I went thrift shopping after that, didn't buy much, just roamed to keep my mind off the situation. When I came home I read a bit, watched a bit of TV, cleaned up a bit then realized it was just about the time we usually go on our daily walk. So, I hit the streets, 3.4 in 50 mins. Not record breaking, but overall good.
I am happy he has this job opportunity, very happy. And he is pretty happy too, which makes me glad to know he's excited about it. I just really had become so used to him being here that I went into a bit of panic this morning. Overall I feel better right now. The exercise has a way of doing that for me. I might even do another 2-2.5 miles later once the sun goes down a bit more.
My goals while Tim is gone over the road is the continually shed the pounds by consistantly watching my calories and exercising everyday. I also have some personal goals of deep cleaning the apartment, organizing all of the closets and storage and cabinets. I would also like to get a substantial new "cookbook" started for when he is home of healthy and delicious meals that he can have when he's home and to take on the road. I have slacked off on the cooking lately and we've just been making salads, tacos, sandwiches, soup, that kind of thing. I really want to get back into some better cooking habits, esp. since he will only be home a few days a month, gotta make those few meals count!!!
I am really thankful that I have some many positive outlets now, compared to when he was over the road in the past. I have SP of course, also Pinterest, FB, all my android games and my new Rosicrucian community, not to mention church and bible study. I have a good number of social and engaging outlets that I did not know about or have in the past, and this makes me very happy. I'm so thankful for being a part of this community. The whole SP experience has been truly life changing. I must admit it's my thoughts and not my body that has changed the most, but you have to start somewhere right?!!!!
Hope your weekend was worthwhile, and smile provoking. Catch you all later!
Monday, March 26, 2012
Well, I'm still big. Yes, I'm also still beautiful, and right here, right now, I'm pretty darn proud. I have been through so much since I started here in September last year. It's been some tough and rough roads in my personal life. But I seem to be able to keep on moving in the right direction with my health, and for that I am remarkably proud of myself, and my husband. I never would have guessed 6 months ago that he would be walking over 6 miles in one day........but he has, twice this week. And the days he didn't do six, he did 5, 4 and 3. I am really impressed, with both of us. I have 210 more fit mins to get in this month, and I will have reached my first 1,000 mins month EVER! I'm really proud. And I woke up to see the scale drop another pound, which makes 11 in the last month. Now, I had this early success when I first stated SP in September. I lost 20 pounds in the first two months. Then the holidays hit, all heck broke loose with my family situation, my husband lost his job, I got pregnant, I had a miscarriage, and well, here I am now. Jumping back on the horse, in full swing and kicking booty again. Only this time I have a different attitude than when I first started SP. Now I KNOW I can loose weight. At first each pound I lost seemed unreal, like I must be making a mistake. I wasn't mentally prepared. And I wasn't as consistant with my exercise as I have been this month. If I hit a 250 fit mins month I was pretty happy. Now..............well, it's pretty obvious I've surpassed that. And I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. In fact, when the summer get here and the pool opens, I plan on adding my swimming back into the mix, while still keeping up with my walking/jogging/bike riding. So, pretty cool, pretty proud.....yeah, I'm starting to really feel the spark inside of me. It's been baby steps, and some falling down, a little whining, two really good scars (biking mishap!!!) lot's and lot's of TLC from wonderful peeps on here and lot's and lot's of learning. So much learning, about myself, about my habits, about my emotions, about food and my emotions. About everything, and recently about how I don't know how I lived all those years without exercise!!!???? I really don't. I used to exercise like a mad woman when I was in high school............then I slowly turned into a couch potato over the next 14 + years.............now, I've got to someone recapture that zest of youth, add it to the wisdom of adulthood and BAM, I've got a mix that just can't be stopped!!!
(My dearest Kayecan.................that's for you and your amazing beauty!)
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Well, Tim starts a new job on the first. Pretty happy because as we stand now, the bills are just racking up with not enough coming in. I've had the slowest month at work I've had in ages. So, thank GOD for this job!! We've been really getting in a lot of exercise this week, I still have blisters on my feet from Sundays 3 mile adventure in inappropriate shoes..........but it hasn't stopped me from plugging forward.
I am nervous about Tim going back to work, we've had about 5 months of quality time together, and it's been nice............broke, broke times, but nice times. I am also worried about his health, but am praying often about the path we are about to tread............hoping things will get better. I've started studying a new philosophical stream of knowledge, called Rosicrucianism, it is not a religion, but more of a philosophical community. I am very excited about what this new community has to offer me, and I to it.
My sister has been down here for about 3 weeks, she is doing much better. I missed her, and am so glad to see that she is doing so much better. It looks like she will be going back up north for awhile, don't know if it will last long or not. But her mental health is better,and that is what matters.
My exercise has been pretty spot on, I've already logged over 200 fit mins this week and there are still 3 more days to rack up those mins. BUT my eating has been hit and miss. Some days are better than others, some meals are better than others, not quite where I want to be. One day I feel really great about my eating, then something happens, my emotions run wild and then BAM I overeat. It doesn't happen everyday, it doesn't happen every week, but it happens still. I will be so glad when the day comes that I don't have to worry about emotional overeating. One day at a time..........one step at a time, one spark at a time.
Bye sweeties, have a great end of your week.
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