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Little epiphanies

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

On my morning walk, which I didn't really want to do, but did anyway, I came across a simple little epiphany. I realized, as I hit the chilly morning air, taking one step at a time, slowly, reluctantly even, nearly turning back multiple times, something quite true, quite real came to me about the path I'm on. I realized that my weight loss journey is a lot like that walk, and a lot like life. Today's walk really was the first time I just wasn't feeling it, but in return for following through, even though I didn't want to, I saw that this whole journey, in weight loss and in life is taken just one step at a time, just like my walk this morning. If I would have stopped, or turned around, I would not have reached my destination. By not stopping though, and by not turning around, just taking it one step at a time, I did reach my goal, and felt pretty darn good about it. So one little step at a time, in the right direction, without stopping or turning around will indeed, always lead you ultimately in the direction of your goal. I can't fail at weight loss, or at life if I just take one little step at a time, in the right direction. Yeah, simple, I know, but for some reason this morning, it felt quite profound. Wonder as the years go by what other simple jewels of life I will come upon. (Reading this right now makes me see that this really is the mission statement of SP!! Funny that it's taken nearly 5 months to hit me!!!! )

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SAPHRAEL 1/27/2012 4:29PM

    Quiet contemplation is the truly wonderful thing about going for a walk. I'm glad yours was fruitful!

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MIZCATHI 1/27/2012 11:41AM

    It's so simple to reach a goal or a milestone... one step at a time. The only thing we have to do is to not give up. Nice blog!

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HIPPICHICK1 1/27/2012 11:06AM

    It really IS that simple.

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RIDMYCOCOON 1/27/2012 9:18AM

    emoticon emoticon
I love it!!

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WENDYLEE15 1/26/2012 12:26PM

    Well said !! We must continue to reward ourselves with "each" step we take..they are all so important !1 One step at a time :)

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KAYECAN 1/25/2012 10:45PM

    Your blog was like a poem and well-written. Made me actually feel what you were trying to get across. How right you are. You forgot to mention the little mudpuddles along the walk or the train whistle blowing, because life does happen, even when we are walking, but you are step at a time in the right direction.
Thank you for reminding us it can be as simple as just that.
Enjoy tomorrow's walk even more emoticon

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SUNSHINE99999 1/25/2012 10:04PM

  I'm glad it hit you. Keep on stepping.

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The Ideal Me

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Reading a blog on here really inspired me to do this for myself. Because I love myself, deeply, truly, fully, and dearly, and I deserve to have dreams, vibrant dreams, dreams that if not dreamt of first, could never manifest in reality. Regardless of what is going on in life, or what stresses spiral up, around and about me, my dreams are still important. So, in the spirit of self admiration and sweet, lofty, lovely dreams, I will dream up my vision of the Ideal Me.

The ideal me loves into every action, word, thought, and feeling each and every moment of everday. Love for myself, my world, my family, my sexy/impossibly complicated/hilarious/unpredictable spouse, my body, my past, present and future, my God and anyone and everything that comes my way, regardless of it's initial impact of pleasure or pain.

Personal health and beauty:
The ideal me has a very balanced, interesting, open-minded, creative, loving relationship to all kinds of unique, invigorating, ethnic, wholesome, vital, healthily produced, dynamic foods, supplements, tonics, cleanses, fibers, emoillents, and body and hair ointments of any and every kind, both for ingestion and topical applications, preferably all homemade, or locally bought, or produced by small, righteous businesses. The ideal me knows, and applies said knowledge in all areas of recipes both traditional and unique, using above mentioned goodies, fresh herbs, oils, flower essences of all nature of pure and wonderful ingredients, all homegrown or locally purchased. In my ideal universe my husband loves every well balanced, nutritious and delicious meal I make, and plays an active role in all of my cooking/gardening/creating processes so that we grow together in health and in love.

The ideal me travels often and freely, being just as comfortable in The Hamptons as I am visiting a tribe in Uganda. I exeperience the world in all it's lustrous vibrance, and create unique and compelling works of photographic and poetic beauty to depict to those around me the granduer of a life unfettered. I have the time, money and energy to research thoroughly the art, history, architecture and geographic nuances of each area before I go there, thus having a broad idea of the must sees/dos. I engage in a variety of outdoor activities from snorkling and scuba diving, to snow skiing, dirt bike riding, ziplining, mountain climbing, kayaking, hangliding, sky diving, river rafting, parasailing and any and every other activity that peaks my interest, and I do them in the best places in the world that they can be done.

The ideal me has enough time and energy to be an active and productive part of the charity of my choice, ideally the local homeless shelter. I have enough money and time to devote myself to the real needs of the community, and I educate myself in all ways that will better my relationship to the people in need.

The ideal me looks at my body and sees a flawless work of art. I am comfortable for any occasion in any attire. I am free to be me. I exercise consistantly, and enjoy the process. I love to be healthy, and I love doing what it takes to mantain health. My outer layers reflect the luminosity of my inner life.

The ideal me has a perfect balance between work, play, volunteering, healthy lifestyle and a happy relationship with my loved ones. I do not neglect my art, and have enough time, space and money to do any project I wish, without holding back due to lack of any of these key elements. I love my work, but also my life and do not let either aspect overtake the other, but instead nurish one another. I can't see exactly what the ideal me is doing for money? Art, healing, teaching, or maybe still barbering?! I have a draw to all of them, but the work isn't really what matters to me, it's what comes from the work, the relationships that are forged and the love that is made.

The ideal me loves myself and God so much that I never have to guess wether I am being punished for being bad, or wether I have earned God's love and mercy or not. The ideal me knows that to be alive is to experience times or pleasure and times of pain, and that in the times of pain I must see that I have not fallen from God's good graces, nor should I feel guilty towards myself for being human. The ideal me follows through on all promptings from God, no matter how big or small, and when I can't or don't, I do not go into a desperate despair, but instead see that as an opportunity for positive improvement. I love my God, myself, and everything in creation with all my heart, mind and spirit.

Past, present and future:
The ideal me does not live in the past or the future, but instead in the here and now. I forgive myself and others for what happened in the past and I accept that the future is unkown, but that I will have all the tools and energy I need to get through anything and everything that comes my way. The present is just that, a present, or gift, to be opened each morning, and to be in awe and amazement at what enfolds each dawn til dusk.

We are such wild, brave creatures, with amazing and dynamic spiritual histories. We must not stop dreaming, for it is truly within the dreams that our future realities are sculpted. So for a moment, forget what your boss or spouse said or did, forget how your kids are doing in school, forget what you used to look like or how you used to feel, forget what you didn't get right today, or what you are not looking forward to dealing with tomorrow, and dream with me. It can be a HUGE fantastical dream like mine, or maybe something a little more attainable, the point is, it's all yours, unique and authentic just to you. The Ideal You is waiting to be take a little jaunt, and see who you uncover, waiting patiently, under the surface to be remembered and loved.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RIDMYCOCOON 1/24/2012 9:33AM

    I really cannot put to words how this post has made me feel. You have rendered me speechless (and that doesn't happen very often) I feel like these are words from an Angel.You have touched me very deeply just now. I will return and read this often.

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CROOKEDLETTER 1/23/2012 7:42AM

    The trick is to put parts of some of those dreams in place in less than ideal real world situations right now (which I believe you already are). And to remember that this moment, this less than ideal moment in this less than ideal life is full of beauty and grace and love. Here's to ideal and here's to less than ideal!

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    I LOVE THIS. I especially like the first line in your God paragraph. Your page is beautiful and your thoughts are wonderful. You have it in you to be whom you wish to be. I have faith after reading through this blog that can be anyone or anything you wish to be!

God bless you!



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BUTTERFLYAT38 1/22/2012 11:34PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PROT358 1/22/2012 10:14PM

    Wow, what a beautiful, well thought out blog! Very insightful! Thank you for your bravery in sharing.

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WENDYLEE15 1/22/2012 8:11PM

    Beautiful blog !! I really enjoyed reading it. Really makes me think :)!! emoticon

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LAURIE-RN 1/22/2012 1:42PM

    I love your vision. It's really neat to spend some time thinking about how we see ourselves and what we hope to be.

Laurie emoticon

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Food journal

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Started a food diary this week and it REALLY helps. I was getting so frustrated with trying to log my food all day, and not having time, and forgetting and getting more frustrated, sooooooooooooo I started a food journal. Now if I happen to miss a day, I can still log it the next day! Pretty cool.

This week flew by, didn't get all my fitness time in, but had a really great walk today. Been SUPER busy at work, makes the time fly by, and puts a good chunk of change in my pocket at the end of the day.

A few weeks ago my husband unexpectedly found out that he has family living in our town. He found out by seeing his great uncles obituary in the paper. The funeral was last weekend. It was small and sweet, some old family pics were shown on a slide show, tears ensued. But the oddest part occured when we went to the reception. After we walked in, and stumbled through the crowd, we spotted, back in the corner, a good friend of ours. In fact one of the ONLY people we have really gotten to know since we've moved to Nor Cal. We went camping with her and her husband this summer, have BBQ's with them, etc., and they are the only couple we have spent any real time with in about 5 years of living here. So, admittedly, we were a bit shocked to see her there, she doesn't live in our town, which makes it even more remarkable. Turns out, she is an old friend of the family, her mother and my husband's great uncle's daughter are best friends. She was actually telling my husband and I who was who and how he was related to them at the reception!!!! (Since my husband was raised in Georgia, and all of them were raised here, and he had only met one of the people there before, when he was a kid, he was a bit confused that day as to who was who.) So, that was quite an event. We were pretty blown away that day, still are in many ways! We are now connected to all the family that lives locally, shared numbers, e-mail, etc. and have an opportunity to build new memories, and share old ones. Pretty cool!!!

Been working 6 days a week, for financial reasons, not so bad, just a little tiring. I LOVE my job, and it is really rewarding, but I also love my home time too. But, alas, I am done making excuses as to why I can't be healthy, working 6 days a week or not. And I finally FULLY realize just how eating better, exercising and drinking lots of fresh water REALLY, REALLY make me feel better. So, that's what I am planning to do, for the rest of my life...............YAY!!

Hope you all have a great weekend!
Hugs ( LOVE virtual hugging, I would give real ones if I could ;)!)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ME_HERE_NOW 1/25/2012 12:04AM

    working 6 days a week has put a damper on my exercise too, hoping the work busy-ness is burning some cals ;) much love to you my girl! keep chippin away, you are doing a fantastic job of making a healthy lifestyle fit into your world!

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BUTTERFLYAT38 1/23/2012 12:16AM

    emoticon emoticon Sense of family and community is a wonderful thing but that you have each other is a greater gift! Friends if you want them can be made with or without the extended familty..but each other..thats a gold mine :)) emoticon

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Where everybody knows your name.....

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Ok, so SP is not a bar like Cheers, and we don't necessarily know eachother's first names, but sometimes it really just feels like the most peaceful place to end the day............kinda like the "Cheers" atmosphere I was always looking for, without the alcohol and salty snacks.

Things are still unstable with my sister, haven't heard anything from her in a few days, and she in not responding to my text messages, so I am assuming she just wants to be left alone. It's hard for me to let go and realize that she is old enough to make her own decisions. I still want to baby her..........she is the baby of the family, I remember changing her diapers. Anyway, that is a sad/scary situation, but I'm sure it will all work out the way it is supposed to. I've been praying every night, and with the support of you beautiful people, I am seeing that it will be OK.

Looks like my adorable/crazy/anxious husband might get back to work next week. That is a BIG MIGHT, not sure. If he does, well, that will be great financially, not sure how good it will be for him. We are just going to take it one day at a time. I am going to miss him being here, but I can't pay all of our bills alone, so it will be good to have some more money coming in.

I've been taking wonderful evening walks, even took one while talking on the cell phone to my cousin and walked 3.5 miles without even realizing it. I've never really considered exercising outside in the evening, until recently, and it seems to be a new discovery that continues to excite me. I mean, it gets dark so early, and most people are still out doing errands/shopping etc., so walking the lighted streets seems pretty safe to me. Does anyone else do this?

Work has been pretty good. My boss was having some stressful problems with the third barber, but as of yesterday, decided to put her into the other room and keep her on women's hair only, which is a HUGE weight off my shoulders. I was having to kind of babysit her in a way and it was really stressful for me. She isn't very good with men's hair, but is amazing with women's, so it's worked out perfectly for us..........way better than having to fire her completely. We went up in our prices for the new year, and I've seen a pretty good increase in my take home pay since then. I work commission, so a raise in ratese quals a direct raise for me!!! Hee, I'm happy about that, especially with my husband being out of work.

Well, I should be laying down now. Sweet dreams dear ones, hope you all have a great weekend.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RIDMYCOCOON 1/14/2012 3:41PM

    Sounds good, Honey. I hope you rest well :)

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ME_HERE_NOW 1/14/2012 12:10PM

    i love walking in the dark, i cannot wait til spring and fall again, peaceful nite time walks are my favourite. i hope something relatively stress free comes thru for hubby, can he just work part time or something? giving him time for himself/with you and time to make a lil money on the side? i am glad you work problem has shifted and isn't so hard on you right now, always nice to make a lil more money too!

thanks for your kind words my friend, but truthfully i have not always maintained! i was doing really good until around march of this year i had stuck around 200 lbs, dipped as low as 192, but i became frustrated because of course i was aiming for then summer came and it was SO hot...i didn't eat less but i cut my exercise back to half hour mini walks and u know what happened? here i sit 14-18 lbs up from 200....alas, it is life, there are always struggles and things to delay us, but it's about not giving up completely, i surely won't get any closer to my goal if i stop now, so every day i take steps to try and get me back around 200, and then i will continue to take steps to get me beyond that - i hope. i had to let go of the shame i associated with the gain - point of my story is that is a long road and we must constantly be observant. even those of us who are considered 'successful' struggle, and it's ok.

i hope you have a wonderful day today and get some time to just chill with a quiet brain, maybe a good movie or book and just give yourself a few minutes away from the world, it is important for you to reset and re-energize. sending you love my friend!

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EMRANA 1/14/2012 11:21AM

  I truly hope your sister gets the help she needs and stays safe through this. I know how hard it is for you.


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FLYCHRISTI 1/14/2012 10:05AM

    Hope your husband get well and go to work without problems. I also like walking outside and I do this every morning, about 6.30 or 7.00, so I understand how you feel.
Have a nice week end!

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LILY8486 1/14/2012 5:54AM

    How marvelous you can walk in the evening! We live on country roads with many hills. It is too dark and snowy. I try though to get to the park before dark(after work) This works out better. I do enjoy doing my aerobics out side instead of inside... not sure why.. LOLOL
Have a great weekend!

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Monday, January 09, 2012

Well, it's Tuesday and I'm only 10 minutes away from finishing my weeks fitness minutes goal. Hopefully, I'll use that as inspiration to surpass my goal and push on through to the other side!!! I haven't been logging my food as diligently as I need to, and I know that this is the number one key to my success. I love to exercise, that is not hard for me to do, but I also love to eat, and eating in my range is quite hard for me to do. So, this week is about staying in my calorie range and drinking my 8 cups of water everyday without fail.

Things have been hard, possibly harder than I've ever experienced. My husband has been out of work for 3 months, our car got repossesed ( praise God my mom gave us the money to get it out), my sister went manic and verbally attatcked everyone in the family. My mom couldn't take it so she kicked her out and now she is roaming the streets in Humboldt county with no job, no money, and a car that is not registered or insured. It is only a matter of time until her cell phone will get cut off and then we will have no way to contact her. I am so worried about her I can barely stand it. But she doesn't want help. She knows she is manic, but she won't go to a doctor, and she is being violent with everyone she comes into contact with. Her friends even turned her away. I am really scared for her and there is nothing I can do. So I pray, everyday.

And amongst all of this, I have realized that if I don't stay strong and healthy I will be no good for myself or anyone else. So I've been exercising everday, and trying as hard as I can to not overeat or do anything else that will compromise my health. I don't know what tomorrow will hold, but with God's help everyday I find the strength to stay positive and hopeful for a better tomorrow.

I know airing your dirty laundry for the world to see is not always the best way to handle hard times. But one thing I've learned recently is that sometimes talking about the hard times brings unexpected advice or help that I wouldn't be able to get if I stayed quiet and pretended nothing was happening. Thanks to this community I do have some tools in life's basket to help me manuever through these trying times without getting depressed and without masking my emotions with food. Doesn't mean it's easy, doesn't mean I'm doing everything the way I want to, but I'm trying. I'm a willing vessel and I feel that this willingness for positive change is giving me the strength to see that I can survive life's hurdles, and come out on the other side wiser, stronger and more able to handle anything that comes my way.

I hope you all are surviving your own hurdles. Health really is more valuable than any riches this world can offer, and SP offers the clearest, best tools to acheive that healthy balance. Thanks for reading this, your comments and freindship have been priceless to me.

Take care, be strong, love big, no regrets. We have a beautiful future awaiting us, we just have to take the wheel and steer this ship into the peaceful waters of life that we all have available to us when we stay strong, focused and healthy.

Love you guys.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LILY8486 1/14/2012 5:52AM

    I think this feels like a safe place , also.. OH I know there are so many people , BUT it feels safe to share! I am sorry this is all happening. I will continue to pray and love your attitude towards life. ((hug))

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ME_HERE_NOW 1/11/2012 1:37PM

    first of all, i hope your sis comes to realize she needs medical intervention before things will get better for her. i have been thru mental health issues with my mother and it took 10 yrs of her fighting everyone's help/finding the right combo of meds and now she is feeling more like herself, it is a long and scary road, i understand more than you could ever know. i was dealing with all that and 18 and in college and dealing with everything going on at home, with her running away, coming back, verbal attacks, police visits, all of it, i feel so bad for anyone trapped by the workings of their own brains :( i am sending protective vibes to your sister that in her travels she will meet up with someone who understands and can help her begin to set things right.

you are so right that taking care of yourself is the only way to get thru this. i love that spark is a safe place to be open and share our struggles and fears, this is the most supportive network of people, everyone offers advice, an ear to listen, an eye to read, and it really does feel better to just get things off your chest, let them out there, feel your way thru it and then you can take the next step instead of dwelling permanently amid your swirling thoughts and emotions.

your husband being out of work puts more pressure on you to be the breadwinner for the family, my husband hasn't worked since march 2009, so i know where you are comin from. he doesnt want to look for a part time job because he feels it will interfere with his photography biz, but you know, one gig every cpl months - not much to interfere with, but i cant say too much because i dont want to make him depressed about the i keep working harder and harder and trying to keep everything in balance. people try to act like women are weak or meek, but i think we prove we are strong, capable and independent every day.

use your activity as a way to de-stress, i do some of my best thinking while i walk, everything passes thru and i am still standing and kicking out the minutes, it is a powerful feeling. sending you all of my love and if there is anything at all i can do please please let me know. xoxoxo!

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EMRANA 1/10/2012 9:27AM

  I love that sentiment at the end of your blog ~ and I think it's great that you shared here. I wish I could offer you advice, but I don't know what to say. I've had clinical depression since my teens and I'd gone through previous episodes of not wanting to be on meds, but I'm the opposite of manic. The only thing that convinced me to stay on meds is my not wanting to feel so horribly down when I'm off them. I don't have experience with the manic side to know what a motivation would be for them.

Sending you lots of emoticon beautiful lady!

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CROOKEDLETTER 1/10/2012 8:21AM

    Sending my best wishes to you and your family. I am very sorry to hear that your sister is in the midst of a bad maniac episode. I hope it switches soon, so she can hear the voices calling out like a life line. It is not a great option, but it might be worth notifying police and emergency personal, because if she is violent she is a danger to others and herself. If they track her down, she spend time in a facility (not fun) but might save her some long term grief.

It does sound like you are doing very, very well in terms of taking care of yourself during a very tough time. You can be proud of that. Sending all sorts of support to you. Keep on keeping on.

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RIDMYCOCOON 1/9/2012 7:56PM

    Holy smokes, sis. It sounds like you are doing really, really well.

Your focus is in a good place. Keep that up :) Your sister is roaming around here..huh. Well. Let me know if I can do anything. My brother has mental struggles so I am no stranger to the darker tides of thought and behavior. There are some homeless programs out here as well as other types of supportive facilities. Let me know.

Please know that I am sending you some fuzzies of strength and love. Knowing that there is only so much you can do is a strength in itself. Keep moving forward. I bet your hubs will find work soon.

You are important and lovely emoticon Please keep loving you first emoticon

I love how you closed in your blog: "take care, be strong, love big, no regrets."

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 1/9/2012 7:17PM

    emoticonto you and kudos for trying to stick to your goals. I hope things turn around for your family soon.

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WENDYLEE15 1/9/2012 7:07PM

    My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family. I think that it is good to share not only the good but also the bad. We can thank God that we have Spark as a place to feel safe to do that.It is so hard when those we love need help and don't want it. That is so tough. Just remember that there are many of us here in Sparkland that are always willing to listen !! You are doing great with all of the twists and turns life is giving you right now. It shows how much strength we can have when we need to.Lots of hugs and I will be sending prayers your way.
emoticon emoticon

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