SOULFISH80   14,088
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Where everybody knows your name.....

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Ok, so SP is not a bar like Cheers, and we don't necessarily know eachother's first names, but sometimes it really just feels like the most peaceful place to end the day............kinda like the "Cheers" atmosphere I was always looking for, without the alcohol and salty snacks.

Things are still unstable with my sister, haven't heard anything from her in a few days, and she in not responding to my text messages, so I am assuming she just wants to be left alone. It's hard for me to let go and realize that she is old enough to make her own decisions. I still want to baby her..........she is the baby of the family, I remember changing her diapers. Anyway, that is a sad/scary situation, but I'm sure it will all work out the way it is supposed to. I've been praying every night, and with the support of you beautiful people, I am seeing that it will be OK.

Looks like my adorable/crazy/anxious husband might get back to work next week. That is a BIG MIGHT, not sure. If he does, well, that will be great financially, not sure how good it will be for him. We are just going to take it one day at a time. I am going to miss him being here, but I can't pay all of our bills alone, so it will be good to have some more money coming in.

I've been taking wonderful evening walks, even took one while talking on the cell phone to my cousin and walked 3.5 miles without even realizing it. I've never really considered exercising outside in the evening, until recently, and it seems to be a new discovery that continues to excite me. I mean, it gets dark so early, and most people are still out doing errands/shopping etc., so walking the lighted streets seems pretty safe to me. Does anyone else do this?

Work has been pretty good. My boss was having some stressful problems with the third barber, but as of yesterday, decided to put her into the other room and keep her on women's hair only, which is a HUGE weight off my shoulders. I was having to kind of babysit her in a way and it was really stressful for me. She isn't very good with men's hair, but is amazing with women's, so it's worked out perfectly for us..........way better than having to fire her completely. We went up in our prices for the new year, and I've seen a pretty good increase in my take home pay since then. I work commission, so a raise in ratese quals a direct raise for me!!! Hee, I'm happy about that, especially with my husband being out of work.

Well, I should be laying down now. Sweet dreams dear ones, hope you all have a great weekend.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RIDMYCOCOON 1/14/2012 3:41PM

    Sounds good, Honey. I hope you rest well :)

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ME_HERE_NOW 1/14/2012 12:10PM

    i love walking in the dark, i cannot wait til spring and fall again, peaceful nite time walks are my favourite. i hope something relatively stress free comes thru for hubby, can he just work part time or something? giving him time for himself/with you and time to make a lil money on the side? i am glad you work problem has shifted and isn't so hard on you right now, always nice to make a lil more money too!

thanks for your kind words my friend, but truthfully i have not always maintained! i was doing really good until around march of this year i had stuck around 200 lbs, dipped as low as 192, but i became frustrated because of course i was aiming for 177...so then summer came and it was SO hot...i didn't eat less but i cut my exercise back to half hour mini walks and u know what happened? here i sit 14-18 lbs up from 200....alas, it is life, there are always struggles and things to delay us, but it's about not giving up completely, i surely won't get any closer to my goal if i stop now, so every day i take steps to try and get me back around 200, and then i will continue to take steps to get me beyond that - i hope. i had to let go of the shame i associated with the gain - point of my story is that is a long road and we must constantly be observant. even those of us who are considered 'successful' struggle, and it's ok.

i hope you have a wonderful day today and get some time to just chill with a quiet brain, maybe a good movie or book and just give yourself a few minutes away from the world, it is important for you to reset and re-energize. sending you love my friend!

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EMRANA 1/14/2012 11:21AM

  I truly hope your sister gets the help she needs and stays safe through this. I know how hard it is for you.

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FLYCHRISTI 1/14/2012 10:05AM

    Hope your husband get well and go to work without problems. I also like walking outside and I do this every morning, about 6.30 or 7.00, so I understand how you feel.
Have a nice week end!

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LILY8486 1/14/2012 5:54AM

    How marvelous you can walk in the evening! We live on country roads with many hills. It is too dark and snowy. I try though to get to the park before dark(after work) This works out better. I do enjoy doing my aerobics out side instead of inside... not sure why.. LOLOL
Have a great weekend!

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Strength

Monday, January 09, 2012

Well, it's Tuesday and I'm only 10 minutes away from finishing my weeks fitness minutes goal. Hopefully, I'll use that as inspiration to surpass my goal and push on through to the other side!!! I haven't been logging my food as diligently as I need to, and I know that this is the number one key to my success. I love to exercise, that is not hard for me to do, but I also love to eat, and eating in my range is quite hard for me to do. So, this week is about staying in my calorie range and drinking my 8 cups of water everyday without fail.

Things have been hard, possibly harder than I've ever experienced. My husband has been out of work for 3 months, our car got repossesed ( praise God my mom gave us the money to get it out), my sister went manic and verbally attatcked everyone in the family. My mom couldn't take it so she kicked her out and now she is roaming the streets in Humboldt county with no job, no money, and a car that is not registered or insured. It is only a matter of time until her cell phone will get cut off and then we will have no way to contact her. I am so worried about her I can barely stand it. But she doesn't want help. She knows she is manic, but she won't go to a doctor, and she is being violent with everyone she comes into contact with. Her friends even turned her away. I am really scared for her and there is nothing I can do. So I pray, everyday.

And amongst all of this, I have realized that if I don't stay strong and healthy I will be no good for myself or anyone else. So I've been exercising everday, and trying as hard as I can to not overeat or do anything else that will compromise my health. I don't know what tomorrow will hold, but with God's help everyday I find the strength to stay positive and hopeful for a better tomorrow.

I know airing your dirty laundry for the world to see is not always the best way to handle hard times. But one thing I've learned recently is that sometimes talking about the hard times brings unexpected advice or help that I wouldn't be able to get if I stayed quiet and pretended nothing was happening. Thanks to this community I do have some tools in life's basket to help me manuever through these trying times without getting depressed and without masking my emotions with food. Doesn't mean it's easy, doesn't mean I'm doing everything the way I want to, but I'm trying. I'm a willing vessel and I feel that this willingness for positive change is giving me the strength to see that I can survive life's hurdles, and come out on the other side wiser, stronger and more able to handle anything that comes my way.

I hope you all are surviving your own hurdles. Health really is more valuable than any riches this world can offer, and SP offers the clearest, best tools to acheive that healthy balance. Thanks for reading this, your comments and freindship have been priceless to me.

Take care, be strong, love big, no regrets. We have a beautiful future awaiting us, we just have to take the wheel and steer this ship into the peaceful waters of life that we all have available to us when we stay strong, focused and healthy.

Love you guys.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LILY8486 1/14/2012 5:52AM

    I think this feels like a safe place , also.. OH I know there are so many people , BUT it feels safe to share! I am sorry this is all happening. I will continue to pray and love your attitude towards life. ((hug))

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ME_HERE_NOW 1/11/2012 1:37PM

    first of all, i hope your sis comes to realize she needs medical intervention before things will get better for her. i have been thru mental health issues with my mother and it took 10 yrs of her fighting everyone's help/finding the right combo of meds and now she is feeling more like herself, it is a long and scary road, i understand more than you could ever know. i was dealing with all that and 18 and in college and dealing with everything going on at home, with her running away, coming back, verbal attacks, police visits, all of it, i feel so bad for anyone trapped by the workings of their own brains :( i am sending protective vibes to your sister that in her travels she will meet up with someone who understands and can help her begin to set things right.

you are so right that taking care of yourself is the only way to get thru this. i love that spark is a safe place to be open and share our struggles and fears, this is the most supportive network of people, everyone offers advice, an ear to listen, an eye to read, and it really does feel better to just get things off your chest, let them out there, feel your way thru it and then you can take the next step instead of dwelling permanently amid your swirling thoughts and emotions.

your husband being out of work puts more pressure on you to be the breadwinner for the family, my husband hasn't worked since march 2009, so i know where you are comin from. he doesnt want to look for a part time job because he feels it will interfere with his photography biz, but you know, one gig every cpl months - not much to interfere with, but i cant say too much because i dont want to make him depressed about the situation...so i keep working harder and harder and trying to keep everything in balance. people try to act like women are weak or meek, but i think we prove we are strong, capable and independent every day.

use your activity as a way to de-stress, i do some of my best thinking while i walk, everything passes thru and i am still standing and kicking out the minutes, it is a powerful feeling. sending you all of my love and if there is anything at all i can do please please let me know. xoxoxo!

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EMRANA 1/10/2012 9:27AM

  I love that sentiment at the end of your blog ~ and I think it's great that you shared here. I wish I could offer you advice, but I don't know what to say. I've had clinical depression since my teens and I'd gone through previous episodes of not wanting to be on meds, but I'm the opposite of manic. The only thing that convinced me to stay on meds is my not wanting to feel so horribly down when I'm off them. I don't have experience with the manic side to know what a motivation would be for them.

Sending you lots of emoticon beautiful lady!

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CROOKEDLETTER 1/10/2012 8:21AM

    Sending my best wishes to you and your family. I am very sorry to hear that your sister is in the midst of a bad maniac episode. I hope it switches soon, so she can hear the voices calling out like a life line. It is not a great option, but it might be worth notifying police and emergency personal, because if she is violent she is a danger to others and herself. If they track her down, she spend time in a facility (not fun) but might save her some long term grief.

It does sound like you are doing very, very well in terms of taking care of yourself during a very tough time. You can be proud of that. Sending all sorts of support to you. Keep on keeping on.

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RIDMYCOCOON 1/9/2012 7:56PM

    Holy smokes, sis. It sounds like you are doing really, really well.

Your focus is in a good place. Keep that up :) Your sister is roaming around here..huh. Well. Let me know if I can do anything. My brother has mental struggles so I am no stranger to the darker tides of thought and behavior. There are some homeless programs out here as well as other types of supportive facilities. Let me know.

Please know that I am sending you some fuzzies of strength and love. Knowing that there is only so much you can do is a strength in itself. Keep moving forward. I bet your hubs will find work soon.

You are important and lovely emoticon Please keep loving you first emoticon

I love how you closed in your blog: "take care, be strong, love big, no regrets."

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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 1/9/2012 7:17PM

    emoticonto you and kudos for trying to stick to your goals. I hope things turn around for your family soon.

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WENDYLEE15 1/9/2012 7:07PM

    My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family. I think that it is good to share not only the good but also the bad. We can thank God that we have Spark as a place to feel safe to do that.It is so hard when those we love need help and don't want it. That is so tough. Just remember that there are many of us here in Sparkland that are always willing to listen !! You are doing great with all of the twists and turns life is giving you right now. It shows how much strength we can have when we need to.Lots of hugs and I will be sending prayers your way.
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23.5 hours/day

Monday, January 02, 2012

Just stole this from a blog I read that was suggested by my good friend RITZIBROWN. Instead of reposting the blog, I just stole the clip attatched. Hope you like it as much as I did. And I also am glad I got off my booty today for 45 minutes........wasn't hard, just had to get up and do it.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUaInS6HIGo&
feature=youtu.be

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RIDMYCOCOON 1/4/2012 3:14PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BUTTERFLYAT38 1/3/2012 10:31PM

    emoticon emoticon so true..if we dont move it we lose it baby! LOL

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PRAYINGSUZIE 1/3/2012 3:27PM

    Thank you! This was so informative!!

Suzie

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ME_HERE_NOW 1/3/2012 10:38AM

    hey i have your background pic on my computer tooooo ;) way to go on getting busy, nothing feels better than getting active and shakin the sillies out ;)

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ANEWME42012 1/3/2012 3:16AM

    I love this! A friend posted a link on facebook. It is fantastic!

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GODDESS181 1/2/2012 11:18PM

    This is great!
Thank you sooooo much for sharing!
We can do this!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Happy New Year!!!!

Saturday, December 31, 2011

As I sit here at work, counting down the time til the clock hits 12pm and I can go home, I am thinking of all the things I am thankful for. This has really been a great year, and finding SP and starting my healthy lifestyle is definitely the peak of the goodness that has come my way this year. I am really glad to know that I can royally geek out, take time off from calorie counting and exercise and still get back into the swing of things without completely beating myself up. I've already lost a pound this week, and I feel like this really is my life now. I don't look at a timeline anymore, when it happens it happens, and my goals have changed a bit, instead of looking at the 100 pound "ideal" weight loss goal, I've come to realize that even half of that would be monumental, and I will be so happy when I've achieved that......and I'm on my way!!!

Went on my first evening exercise jaunt last night with my hubby. It was really nice. We bundled up and just started walking, sticking to the lighted streets. When we got home, all sweaty and wanting some water, I found out I'd locked us out of the apartment!! Heeee, sorry babe!!! But our managers are so cool and we've lived here awhile and they know us, so when we called, she came right out with a smile on her face, at 8pm, in the cold, and got us unlocked! I love this place, I mean, there is nothing glamourous about apartment living, but it is quite a nice little community! Then the oddest thing happened, as soon as we got in, there was a knock at the door, my husband answered and it was a little boy selling the paper. We don't get it yet, they were doing a 3 month trial offer for really cheap, so we said sure............he was just too cute to say no to. Anyway, my husband opened the front page, took one look and started crying. Now mind you, he is still having his anxiety/depression, so I was a little concerned, but he has been crying often lately. So, I watched his face as it turned from tears to a baffled stare. After about a minute of wondering what in the world he was looking at, he finally showed me, it took me a minute to register who's obituary shot I was looking at, then finally it hit me. It was his great uncle. We heard years ago that he "might" live in our town.......which is quite a small city, less than 50,000 right now I believe. We actually went looking for him a few years back, made it to the house, and decided last minute not to knock on the door because we got the feeling that younger people lived there. The real reason this is so incredible to us is becuase we live in California, and my husband, and his uncle are both from Georgia, my husband has not seen this man since he was 19. My husband was raised by his grand father, the brother of the deceased uncle, and now, for the first time since my husband has been in California (15 years) he has a connection to the family of the most important person in his life. It is terribly sad that we didn't knock on that door those years back, but now we can talk to his wife, kids, grandkids, etc. After we saw the obituary, my husband instantly googled his uncles name and address and got a phone number, called it and his aunt answered, although he doesn't remember her, she rememberd him from when he was a kid. Mind you this was a great uncle that lived in California his whole life, so it wasn't someone he was around very much, BUT, but to my husband this is HUGE. His whole family is gone, both parents, step-parents and grandparents have all passed away. He has a half brother and sister, his two boys and me, that is the extent of his family. So to find out that he has family, right here in our small town is really, really overwhelming to be honest. We've been invited over for lunch sometime next week, then we are going to the funeral where we might meet up with the sister of his grandpa and uncle that my husband has only heard of and never met. This is such a lovely connection for my husband because his grandad was God on earth for him, and to be able to meet some of his family is really amazing. I'm so glad we came home from our walk when we did, and that we bought the paper, because on another, less joyous night, we might have denied the little paper boy, since we have never recieved the paper before.............and we really have no real desire to take it now, it was just a God thing, that is the only way we can explain it. We would never have seen that obituary if we hadn't have opened that door and said yes to that little paper boy. Anyway, this coudln't have come at a better time, with my husband being so depressed and having these severe anxiety attacks recently. I think this is the light in his life that he needs right now, a connection to his past that he hasn't had in nearly 20 years. So, that is my excitement for today. Sorry this was a bit rambling, I'm just so excited to see how these family meetings/relationships will grow. I guess all of their family lives in this general area, they've been here for over 40 years, working and living in this town. Wow, you just never know what life holds for you!!!!

Happy New Year! Love to you all.
Hugs!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ME_HERE_NOW 1/1/2012 1:23PM

    i hope your husband enjoys reconnecting with his long lost family, i know how hard it is to feel adrift and without family connections. hopefully this year he can also make stronger connections with his friends and really rely on them as a support network, i hope you both have an amazing new year in store once you get over this first awful event. xoxo. congrats also on heading out for a walk, fixin to do the same myself!

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CROOKEDLETTER 12/31/2011 2:56PM

    What a lovely gift to you both! And a great way to end one year and start another.

Sending good wishes to both of you as you meet some of his family for the first time.

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HIPPICHICK1 12/31/2011 2:04PM

    What a wonderful story!
Happy New Year to you as well.
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FITANDFIFTY2 12/31/2011 1:04PM

    How awesome for you that you found family, right there in your town!! What a way to start a New Year!! I hope you have a Happy New Year too... emoticon

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Surprised motivation

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Well, don't know exactly how long I've been off track, but I haven't been on here in a little over a month. Much drama ensued these last months, the most overwhelming being my husbands incessant panic attacks that have left him spending most of his days in bed, crying.(Went to ER on Christmas Eve with an especially bad one.) So, of course, I relied on my 31 year old actions of overeating, and lethargy to help me deal with this stress and worry. I went from losing 17 pounds and 19 inches in two months, to being afraid to get on the scale or pull out the tape measure last night. But I did break down and get on the scale this morning, and was pleasantly surprised. My nearly two month binger resulted in a 4 pound gain. So in four months I've lost 13 pounds............not anywhere near where I'd imagined I'd be by now. But I'm learning. I remembered how good I felt when I was exercising and coutning my calories and eating more fruits and veggies and drinking all my water. And wow, in just over a month, I felt TERRIBLE, both the guilty kind of terrible that goes along with letting myself down, and physically terrible from overeating and under activity. So, even though my stress levels are quite high...........(can't pay bils, worried about my husband and when he is going to get better, worried about my own health because being bi-polar myself, stress affects me quite negatively) I must trudge on. I can't give up on myself, I don't want to. Everyday these last weeks I've been thinking about eating better and exercising. I just couldn't do it, but I wanted to. So today..............started off with whole grain cereal, lowfat yogurt and blueberries. I've got my water cup filled, and I went on a 2.5 mile bike ride. I can't believe how much things can change in such a short amount of time. Right before I stopped exercising I was up to over 8 mile bike rides, with energy for more.......burning 300-400 calories, this morning, my 2.5 mile ride was HARD and in the time it took me, I only burned just over 100 calories!!! Wow, it really doesn't take long to fall back to the starting line. But, the one thing I do have is the desire, and a plan to get started again. I am going back to my fast break goals, and am going to try to meet those everyday.

I want to thank all of you who kept me in your thoughts and checked in on me when I was gone. I missed you more than I knew and I appreciate you endlessly.

And to all of you who have already lost most of your wieght and have been mantaining for awhile...............WWWOOOO Double HOOOOOOOOOO to you. You have always been my heroes, but in my recent absence, I am in renewed awe of your determination, strength and stamina through the ups and downs of life. You all are helping me keep my eye on the prize!
Huggies!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SAPHRAEL 12/29/2011 10:05PM

    I'm glad you're still hanging in.

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BUTTERFLYAT38 12/29/2011 8:16PM

    Girl i am proud of you. You are strong. It will be fine. This life is like a roller coaster with ups and downs and the fact that you are focusing on your goals through one of the lows is just absolutely awesome!! So proud of you. You are doing great and I am so glad that you are back. emoticon

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ME_HERE_NOW 12/28/2011 9:44PM

    girl, all of us have stumbled, it's the getting back on track that counts, small changes, slowly over time, just like at the start allow you to build motivation all over again, you have your whole life, so take your time, and use your exercise to help you de-stress. thinking of you! xoxo!

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CROOKEDLETTER 12/28/2011 6:27PM

    Sending big hugs your way. You should be very happy that a month of drama only resulted in 4 pound gain. And very proud of yourself for not wasting lots of time beating yourself up, but starting fresh today. I'm sending my best wishes to you and your husband. Hope he gets some relief soon.

May the new year bring you health and happiness!

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LILY8486 12/28/2011 6:17PM

    emoticon
I am sorry to hear about your husbands panic attacks. I do know how hard this makes things!
emoticon about the weight loss...... emoticon
It is wonderful to hear your goals and the way you are bouncing back.. i can hear the light and determination in your voice. We are here for you!!!!! emoticon

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WENDYLEE15 12/28/2011 5:46PM

    emoticon I am so glad your back!! Hopefully you can get back on track!! I have been here the whole time and went from 206 back up to 249..in just a little over a month.My emotional eating has been way out of control..but I too am wanting to go back to feeling great when I was eating better and working out.We will do this..we know we can..so let's start this new year out right !!

I hope your husband gets to feeling better I know how debilitating those can be!!
Take care,
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MISS_CURVES24 12/28/2011 3:05PM

    I do hope things get better for you. Having a spouse that is sick or in pain does add to the stress immensely (I gained 50+ pounds when our 3 y/o was diagnosed with autism and Cerebral palsy). I want to let you know that you aren't alone! I applaude you for recognizing you were making unhealthy choices, and having the drive in the end to fix them! That's picking yourself up and dusting off, and that's GREAT! Be very happy with those 13 pounds lost, keep a smile on, and keep faith!! emoticon

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