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Unsettled

Thursday, April 10, 2008

It's raining hard, pounding on the roof. I should be happy because it's not snow. But I am feeling unsettled tonight. Things are going great; I'm exercising, paying attention to what I eat; everybody's tucked away and soundly sleeping. So why do I feel this way?

It's been a tough couple of days on the board. I guess it mimics real life in way, how relationships can get botched. I don't like being accused of being unwelcoming. But it's made me think. Am I unwelcoming? Unsupportive? Only interested in "talking" to certain people? Not allowing others to express what they want to express? Ignoring people? It's certainly not my intent but the last couple of days have made me question my role and the value of online support.

I don't want to hurt anybody, intentially or unintentionally. Yet people get their feelings hurt, read things into posts that aren't there and it makes me see how there's a bit of tightrope walking that goes on here. Not sure I have the energy for that. Face-to-face communication is proving to be much easier; tone and demeanor are much easier to discern.

"Much easier." Interesting. Do I want to take the easier route? Maybe I need to see the good and not just the bad - or see the gray and sit with both for a while. There's that old all-or-nothing thinking getting the best of me again. "It's not working therefore I give up."

So, I'm unsettled. Big deal. I guess I'll sit with it a while. This too shall pass, right? I've met too many wonderful people to walk away. For once, I need to focus on what's right for me and not worry about everybody else.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILLIWAW 5/2/2008 6:11PM

    HEY! I just stopped by too because like scoonchy, you were also the first person to offer me support - and it made me feel really really good! So know that what ever misunderstanding that happened - you are spreading so much more goodness that probably never gets back to you.

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SCOONCHY 4/29/2008 9:06PM

  You were the first person to offer me support, and it really made me feel happy, which was surprising to me because I usually consider myself a bit of a loner. (I think I accidentally deleted your comment though, since now it's gone! :0( but I just wanted you to know you didn't think I did it intentionally)

Anywho, I came to check out your page because of your encouragement, and I found this entry. It was really interesting to me because I actually think about this issue alot. For me, what it comes down to is that anytime people try to have any kind of relationships, misunderstandings etc... are bound to happen just because no 2 people see or interpret things the same way. But what's the alternative? To not have relationships? To live like a hermit?

I've just acknowledged to myself that sometimes people will misinterpret my words or actions, projecting something that I never intended. As long as I know that my intentions were good, I try to let those things go and not dwell on them. Easier said than done, but sometimes when people get offended it can be more about them than it is about me. Of course, sometimes I can be unintentionally offensive - and if that happens I try to recognize it and apologize.

Anyway, I really appreciated your support. This entry is a couple of weeks old so maybe you're not even thinking about this anymore, but thought I'd put in my $.02 anyway. emoticon

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RUNCHOOSE 4/26/2008 3:34AM

    Hi Bev - You're an awesome online buddy btw. I am not sure where you're getting the negative feedback, but it's certainly not from this end. Keep on doing what you're doing, and congrats on all your successes so far! Hopefully you are finding that resolve that you're seeking. I know you will.

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CHOICEGIRL 4/25/2008 9:33AM

    Hey, Bev you are super and a great support to me. One thing you need to remember, you will not connect with everyone, you will not inspire everyone, you will not be friends with everyone! We have to choose and I have chosen you to be my friend and inspiration! This is why I am going to blog on my page and comment to a few others on their pages. Not because I am unfriendly, or unwelcoming, I just cannot handle a whole bunch of people all at once - IT STRESSES ME OUT!!! So, that is a rock that I am setting down, I have to. You are a wonderful person, just like the people at Spark. Remember we are all here for ourselves and to work on our plan. By the way, yours is working wonderfully and I am happily jealous of you!!

Keep it coming, I am here with no strings attached, just thankful for your friendship.

~Julie

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DESHRINK 4/24/2008 12:33AM

    Recipe for a 40-something group....


Layer Middle-aged woman surrounded by mostly silent men.

Stot together lifestyle variances, sugar cravings, comfort food deprivation, and a variety of menopausal stages.

Add writing skills to taste along with a wide range of perspectives.

Sprinkle with great expectations, busy schedules, and the motivating and alarming health concerns that begain to crop up as wel all age, and what do you get?

Well, it sure isn't cake, but I really like it.

emoticon

18 lbs. is awesome.
I certainly hope you aren't going anywhere!

Dedra-newbie.
<
BR>

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BECCACOATS 4/16/2008 11:17AM

    Bev ~ What you said here is wonderful. Sorry I didn't see it sooner. I to get caught up in the hustle and not really hearing what is said. This did pass and I think we are all better from it.
I find I need to pray before responding to something that has unsettled me, if I don't pray or think on it, It usually turns into issue that was or wasn't there to begin with. Face to face is better, yet we don't get that pleasure! darn it.. I hope we have all learned from this that ~ We are all here for the same reason, we are all looking for a better healthy lifestyle, weight loss, and loving people to help keep us accountable to this. We are a Great group of people and this is the BEST TEAM. Thank you for always being there, with a hearing ear and words of wisdom.
LUV ya
Becki emoticon

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BAMEDIC 4/15/2008 11:37AM

    It was intersting to read this blog, as I came on this site thinking no one would probably respond or talk to me and trying to find online support would be a failure. Right off the bat you wrote me and offered encouragement.

Thank you! You are far from being a disinterested peron.

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CHRISTINEL3 4/13/2008 1:44PM

    Too often we concentrate on others, their well being, their feelings, their comments, their suggestions and their lives. A few years ago I made a conscious decision to put me first. I too found myself thinking I had become insular, un-supportive and unwilling to give of myself- and you know what- I was being unsupportive to others, unwilling to give all of myself, to get involved in all facets of others lives that did not involve me-

I detached, and now I can choose where I invest my energies- the order myself first and foremost- nothing else matters- second my family - Husband and kids and Mom- then the rest of the world

In the end I lost friends, or so called friends that could no longer "dump on Christine" but I gained strength and a serenity - that to those who wanted to share my journey - enjoy tremendously -
so my two cents (take what you like and leave the rest) its' not being unwelcoming - its' being selfish - and that is a GOOD thing- regardless of what we were taught - for only when are we strong can we give to others

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ABRATCHER 4/12/2008 5:00PM

    I wanted to stop by & tell you thank you for your prayers. I'm sad to see how unsettled you are feeling...one of my favorite Bible verses, "...and it came to pass". It didn't come to move in, or be my eternal guest - it came to PASS! I hope whatever situation has left you with these feelings will pass quickly.
I noticed we've got some things & teams in common - 40 somethings (I'll be 42 next month), and spark bookworms, and we joined during the same week.
I'm not on-line much on the weekends, but please feel free to drop by or e-mail me if you want to vent.
Peace be with you,
Angie

Comment edited on: 4/12/2008 4:59:18 PM

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PAMTHEDREAMER 4/11/2008 10:46PM

    You my friend, are far from ‘unwelcoming’ and all those other words you put up in front of yourself; inner critic. I don’t “see” you that way at all. And I believe that the majority of the boards do not see you that way. You are nothing but a sweetheart. Do you hear (read) me? SWEETHEART!!
I’ve belonged to other message boards in other forums before and you’re right, face to face communication is easier to discern. You have tone as well as body language to help you interpret ones meaning. For instance I’ve said things on message boards totally meant to be a joke but completely taken the wrong way. Of course when the issue was addressed, I clarified myself and that was that. I think we all need to be aware of these types of issues that may come up and tell someone if you do not understand. Like for instance when I said “Boo” to Kate as a “howdy” and she said to me “what do you mean “boo”? Maybe this is a lame example, but I hope you see my point.
Yes, this too shall pass. Then again another situation may come along. What are ya’ gonna’ do? I say Smile and Nod; smile and nod…
I really like Melly’s saying “We’re in this together”. I don’t know that I would’ve come this far with out you; YOU.
The 40 something’s group is the best!!*big hug*
Take good care
Pam


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JENNIFER124 4/11/2008 12:49PM

    hi bev,
i think we all were pretty unsettled.... good word.. mine is flippin'angry... i have been trying to convey my sentiments on the board the last few days that i am not walking away from something that has helped me so much-- with people like YOU that have directly helped me SO MUCH... with with a virtual group or in -person group there are always all these roles that people take... its a microcosm of the real world.. so i choose to learn from this past week... this is for me-- i chose to say something - 2 other times as well-- to the passive-aggressive comments.. and that i am committed enough to bear with the uncomfortable feelings because the group as a whole is SACRED.. to give in to one person would destroy the group... but it wasn't destroyed and that is a testament to our commitment... you weren't going ANYWHERE.... other sign that you have committed yourself to this lifestyle change... without any reservation... at all costs.. at any lengths... these are growing pains... at any age... we never stop learning... how cool is that!! KEEP THE FAITH!! jen

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SUNFLOWER66 4/11/2008 9:26AM

    bev, i agree with the other comments. real life has bumps in the road, and this cyber community we are part of will, too. this week was difficult for me, too - obviously. i had felt for a long time that i was beating my head against a wall and it was beginning to hurt me. like you, i have a tendency (that almost turns into a need) to help people when they're down. i try to avoid conflict, too. but there comes a time when i feel that i need to intervene if i see someone hurting someone else or insulting them b/c of their pleasant demeanor and belittling their successes. it wasn't healthy for any of us, and i feel i learned a lot of lessons. the biggest being how easy i tcan be to get sucked into all the negativity.

you and many of the other women around here have kept me motivated from the begining and during the toughest time (when i had my cast on) you supported me. it was like all of you held me up and carried me over the hurdles of life with a cast and feeling isolated from the world. you all kept me connected and in a positive frame of mind with you up beat attitudes.

this journey requires us to remain positive and not be poisoned by the toxicity of constant negative energy! we all have bad days and have always been free to post about them - but that's not what i'm referring to. you know what i mean.

i think i am finally over the emotional hangover that i, too was feeling. let's put it behind us and keep plugging away - together!!! and with positive energy!

fondly, kate emoticon

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NAVYMOM133 4/11/2008 9:10AM

    This too SHALL pass. It was a tough, let's say it "horrible" exerience the other day on our board. I am coming to realize that even though it was hurtful and very distressing to all who had to participate, some actively and all passively, we've risen up out of that fire stonger, more reflective and, speaking for myself, more determined. The board has become fun again.
I am determined to not allow anything to deter me from my journey to a lasting, healthy lifestyle. Up to this point, communicating with my SparkBuds on a regular basis has heavily contributed to my success so far. I am not willing to let one individual derail all my progress. I will not get sucked into the viscous mess of another's life any further that I was forced to. This is MY journey. This is our journey. Doing it alone is NOT the answer for me. I want you to be part of my journey. You do not need a picture of yourself listening; we KNOW to the very depths how much you care for us. That caring is returned 100 fold to you Bev. And, my, my, you look smart in black! Very chic, gal. Let's keep on keeping on.
We're all in this together, we're all in this together.
Spark on wonderful Bud!
XO,
Melleh

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TANNEB 4/11/2008 12:44AM

    I understand where you're coming from. It's hard to know how someone is going to take what you say, or what you don't say. Hopefully people will look for the positive and understand that we are all here to support each other.

This WILL pass.

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Sparks Along the Way

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Here are things I am learning along the way to a better me. I'm going to add to this as I go. . .

1. Exercise AND eating right make me feel better.
2. Sodium above 2,000 mg effects my weight by a pound or more for a day or more.
3. Drinking a glass or two of wine stalls my weightloss for up to a week.
4. I shed pounds (and water) immediately following my period.
5. Speaking of which, why am I having periods again?
6. I hang onto weight in the four days prior to my period.
7. Intervals on the treadmill keep my metabolism moving.
8. I can do a longer run when I've rested on the day prior.
9. I get the munchies (salt, chocolate) in the week before my period.
10. Greasy/saucy foods don't agree with my digestive system anymore.
11. I need at least 8 oz. of water a half-hour before exercising or my body feels like lead.
12. I need to eat a carb (cereal) or fruit prior to exercise to get an energy boost.
13. I need to dress for the temp while exercising or my body will feel like lead.
14. Wearing the right shoes AND socks is critical to a good workout. (Just say no to blisters.)
15. If I don't pay attention to proper form, injury occurs.
16. Drinking nine glasses of water instead of eight seems to be the right amount for me.
17. I need the support of friends to accomplish my goals. I can't do this alone.
18. I need to try to break workouts into two sessions during my period.
19. Sugar and good carbs don't seem to effect my weight as much as sodium and wine.
20. I lose more weight if I add variety to my diet.
21. When I run on pavement I am incontinent. Yikes!
22. Stretching before AND after exercise is key to good workouts. It warms up muscles, gets oxygen in and prevents injury.
23. The first few days after a trip, I have the munchies because of eating non-home-prepared food (built in fat and sodium).
24. My body loses weight more quickly if larger meals are in the middle of the day and smaller meals are at night.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUNFLOWER66 4/6/2008 9:02PM

    what can i say that the others haven't already said??? this is sooo "BEV"! it's awesome that you know yourself so well and that you respect the way your body works best. mind and body are a team!

kate :)

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RUNCHOOSE 4/5/2008 1:25AM

    Great insights -- you're very in touch, it seems. I'm grateful for your advice. Do you think it applies to all areas of life (that is, leave the emotion at home, take the high road, and keep it positive)? I'm curious because I am sometimes unexpectedly emotional and I wish I could be more in control of that part of myself.

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MCBETH45 4/1/2008 10:12AM

    These are great points & things to think about. More than several of them apply to me as well. Isn't it amazing that when you are doing the right things, that everyone has said in the past you should be doing-that your body responds? When you eat right, exercise the right amount, take care of your body-you can feel so gosh darn great, happy, energetic, full of optimism! Amazing that it really does work! Now to bottle that & take it out whenever things start to slide......keep up the fantastic work!

Beth

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JENNIFER124 4/1/2008 9:20AM

    i really like this posting- you are very analytical and it stands to reason that this healthy journey we are on is a science.. sorta of these are the facts.... those facts for your body cant be changed... this is the way your body is made and this is what makes it run efficiently if you do x or y.... food is fuel and medicine ; exercise is the mechanism we use to make this body continue to move and stay strong... soooo, it stands to reason the processed foods, the alcohol and sodium laden restaurant fare dont give us the ends to our means.. it is really simple.--not based on emotion.. it is great that the stumbles you have made have obviously been needed so that you can learn what works and doesnt work.... negatively and positively charged sparks so to speak... i know you will just keep learning and learning.... and reaching all your goals because you are a very open-minded person who wants to achieve everything you set your mind to !!

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NAVYMOM133 3/31/2008 3:21PM

    Gee whiz. Novel much? :) XO, Melleh

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NAVYMOM133 3/31/2008 3:20PM

    These are terrific observations! We're far enough into the program now that we SHOULD be reflecting on what's working, what isn't and how things interact and affect the overall experience.
We're becoming not ALL about the weight loss (gosh, it's nice though) but also, "I feel really GOOD today!" "These pants are almost too BIG!" or "I feel SO bloated and sluggish," and "I am just EXHAUSTED, why?"
Thoughts: It's a tough way to get there but, boy am I glad to be done with periods. However, for you, I'm thinking that your body may have been sliding into thoughts of menopause but with the terrific healthy living it may just well be 'setting back that clock'! I know this happens if you have a baby later in the baby years, maybe the same thing happens when you are just a healthier specimen :) It does mean that you have challenges though and, darn it all, you've nailed a bunch of triggers and general responses to pre-during-post menstral. Very cool, Bev!
Ditto on evaluating the results of including alcohol vs. limiting it or foregoing. It DOES impact the weigh loss! You know me better than to think I'm being preachy when I say I'm taking a pass on any alcohol. I guess I just don't want to have to have that extra ball up in the air to try and juggle/catch/figure out. But you've done an outstanding job of trying to understand how it impacts you and I liked the comparison in 19. I too find, much to my surprise that GOOD carbs aren't EVIL. Carbs have gotten such a bad rap in recent years and I know I was eating a LOT of bad carbs (I sure miss my pretzels, sniff, - but they're still OFF the list - trigger/DANGER food). Sodium is my diet buster too.
Regarding 20, Tony and I have added an extra fish night to the week and that's made a difference for both of us, weight-loss wise. We also feel 'cleaner'... what's the word? (Cough med w/ codeine kicking in :) You know when you've had a meal and you get up from the table feeling fresh and refreshed instead of yucky, like you point out in 10? That feeling.
This is REALLY GOOD STUFF!! We're a lot alike, analyzing and mulling over what works and what doesn't. Also, you have the 'pick yourself up and shake off, cancel and replace, can't do that? ok, then I won't' attitude that is SUCH a winning attitude!
You're a CAN-DO, WILL-DO gal as well as a NO WHINE/NO EXCUSES person. We all need support at times but it's so refreshing to have real women with REAL winning attitudes taking this journey with me. Keeping it real. Enjoying the journey, embracing it instead of trying to get around the point of it all.
Keep this list going!! You are succeeding, Bev. I'm proud to be along side you!
Melly

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JAZZYJB 3/31/2008 3:03PM

    Those are some great tips Bev! I can relate to several of them. thanks for sharing :)
congrats on the 15lbs too! that is awesome, you are a great inspiration to us sparkies, keep up the good work

Comment edited on: 3/31/2008 3:03:29 PM

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Dear Rob

Friday, March 07, 2008


Hey there. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Well, I think about you all the time but you know what I mean.

I finally figured it out on the treadmill this morning. Mom and Dad's 50th wedding anniversary is next year and Karen and I have started to talk about what we want to do. Man, you married the right woman. You're not here and she's helping me plan the festivities. She doesn't have to and she wants to. I have to give you your propers on that one. (How did you convince her to marry you again?)

Speaking of which, we're all okay. There was a time when I didn't think that could be possible but the old cliche is true: time does heal. It doesn't make things the way they were; instead it sort of rearranges us in a way that makes us hopeful again. That's a miracle in my book.

This past summer was the first time I saw your kids truly happy since you died. K is almost 14. Can you believe it? If you were here, I'd give you a hard time about having a teenage daughter and that you should probably take up hunting, although competitive shooting would be more your speed. She's still that sweet girl, though. K's headed to high school next year, trying out for the squad. You'd be proud of the work she's put in and the thoughtful young lady she is becoming.

And the twins, they are so grownup at nearly 11 years old. It's still so hard to look at K and not hear his 7 year-old voice saying, "No, no, no" over and over. It took him so long to reach a sense of security. But he did. He's so much like you, smug and clever.

S is quite the writer and humorist. I think his writing has helped him to process your death and find a new connection with you. Both boys are still into soccer and tearing up the field. They miss their coach, though. We all do.

And there's Karen. She sure could have used you when her mom died. She has to be the strongest person on earth. She's managing a life without you. It's not the one she expected or wanted and she's doing well in spite of it. You are lucky you married her. Your kids are lucky. She's one incredible woman.

Mom and Dad are good. Dad's been through a lot and that means Mom's been through a lot too (as you know, she will never acknowledge it). But things are good for now. Chemo seems to be keeping things at bay again. They've tried really hard to focus on the positive, to take those vacations while they can and make the most of their good health.

Dad started whistling again last year. You remember a day in that house when we were growing up that you didn't hear him whistling? Miracle.

Both are still running. Dad sort of talked mom into it. He's slowing down a lot and isn't sure if it's age or the leukemia but he's still doing what he can. Meanwhile Mom is placing at different 5Ks. You'd probably tell her it's because she's the only one in her age group - and in most cases you'd be right! We'd have a good laugh about that one.

You'd also laugh at the fact that I've started running, well jogging. After preaching to everybody the importance of paying attention to health and annual exams since you died, I am following my own lead. I ran into this website, SparkPeople, in January. Who would have known what an impact it would have on me.

One of the first things I noticed (go ahead and laugh) is that their logo has a star in it. I know it's supposed to be a spark but it was a star to me. Since that's become our family symbol for you, it grabbed me from the get-go. And I haven't let up yet.

So I guess I am thinking today that you'd be proud of me. In spite of our separate worlds, that was always important to me.

I was on the treadmill this morning doing my modified workout. Treadmill time has become my thinking time (especially this week since I'm not huffing and puffing as much). Anyway, there's a TV commercial for the Toyota Sequoia that makes me cry (yes, laugh again - ha ha very funny). It shows two kids taking in the stars with their very hip dad and his stargazing friends.

The stupid commercial reminds me of us as kids, riding in the car with Mom and Dad whether it was to grandparents', the boat, the beach, regattas. We'd both stare out the window at night, both in our separate worlds. With IPods and videos, that wouldn't be the case today. Separate worlds, yes, but staring out the window? No. We put in a lot of staring time!

What slays me about the commercial is the song that's the backdrop. It's "Whichever Way the Wind Blows" by Peter Droge.

"Going whichever way the wind blows,
you were caught in your world,
I was lost in mine.
Going whichever way the wind blows,
staring through the windshield,
seeing the other side.
let it go, it will get easier,
let it go, just enjoy the ride."

Can you see why that's a problem? Plain and simple, I'm not ready to let you go. And you'd be the first one to say, "Just enjoy the ride," (after laughing at my rather maudlin ways, of course.) Crossroads.

We were just getting started on our adult relationship and - boom - within a week you were gone. I was so worried about Karen, the kids, Mom and Dad that I didn't think about what your absence meant to me. Now that I've started to focus on me though, I've begun to peel back some layers.

I miss your sense of humor, the ease with which we teased Mom and Dad, the shop talk about boats and their people, the shared vacations at the beach, the funny stories about the kids, the Dead shows and music we sometimes traded. Indeed, we had our separate worlds but there was an unspoken language. That's what I need to acknowledge. Maybe we didn't spend every waking moment together but we loved eachother. I hope you know I loved you.

You saved my life once during college and I never acknowledged the magnitude of that. I'm sorry.

I often thought you didn't like me and it was a convenient excuse to keep you at a distance. I'm sorry.

I knew you were sick but I didn't have the strength to talk to you about it. I'm sorry.

I haven't been there nearly enough for Karen and the kids. I'm sorry.

I know this healthy lifestyle stuff will get easier. It already has. It's amzaing what a network of strangers can do for a person. Just like I know it will get easier to let you go. In some respects I already have but this healthy lifestyle journey is the last stronghold.

My progress means that I am choosing life and choosing to be part of it again. I need to focus on facing forward, not backward. I can no longer focus on the "shoulda woulda coulda" because it's unhealthy. I can't change the past and as much as I'd like to think I can, I can't predict the future either. That only leaves here and now. "Let it go. Just enjoy the ride." You were the rollercoaster fan, not me. But I'm learning to see the "other side."

Thank you.

So while talk of Mom and Dad's 50th wedding anniversary makes me think you should be here planning this dang thing too, I'll forgive you if you can forgive me. I wish we had more time together and that I had said way more to you, but I'm ready to acknowledge that what we had was pretty good. I'm finally taking the right steps toward a healthier life. It's the best gift I can give to myself and my own kids and husband.

You'd be proud.

Now stop laughing at me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALBASTUCK83 5/14/2008 12:38AM

    Hey, started at the beginning of your blogs to learn more about you and when I reached this one, it brings tears to my eyes - not because I lost a sibling but because 10 years ago this July I lost my father-in-law. I realized then how precious life is to us and I vowed never to let myself lose sight of that fact but I have. I have a huge family and they are great. I need to let them know that. Also, my grandma, my last living grandparent has leukemia and has chosen to not do anything about it but live the rest of her life out with it. My mom just told me 2 weeks ago that she isn't doing too good health-wise and I really need to take the time to visit with her because one day too soon I won't have her anymore. Thanks for your openness that is evident in this writing. You are to be commended. Reading this and re-reading this will help me to remain motivated in whatever life throws at me.

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MCBETH45 3/11/2008 2:14PM

    Wow that is such a powerful blog. Thank you for having the courage to write that. I lost my only sister to alcoholism 5 years ago. There are so many things I'd like to say to her & I still think about her all the time. I'm laughing with you-my sister always thought I was such a wimp because I cried so much! She was always the strong one. Now I'm trying really hard to keep it together right now because I'm at work. I know your brother is so proud of you & watching over you and your loved ones every day. Thank you again so much for such a lovely letter. Beth

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SUNFLOWER66 3/8/2008 10:42PM

    i had to read this again tonight. it has really touched me, and so many others here as well. i'm glad that you have had the strength to get this out and off your chest. i hope it has eased your pain a little and helped you come to terms with your feelings.

thanks for this very real, very open, very loving tribute to a man you loved dearly. you are a special woman.

kate



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JAMJ59 3/8/2008 2:24PM

    I came to your page to get to know you better. Little did I know I would end up reading, through my tears, the emotional journey you are on. You are an amazing, brave woman, to be willing to share something so special with the rest of us. Through you, I believe we will all grow and appreciate more all that we have. Your family, especially your brother, must be very proud of you. I know I am. The Sparks Family was blessed the day you joined...

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JENNIFER124 3/8/2008 2:21PM

    bev,
i am sobbing right now... how beautiful and what an amazing piece in your own healing that has allowed you as you say to peel back the layers.. i guess when we get healthier, FEELINGS HAPPEN... ugh!! but how healthy and freeing is that... THANK YOU so much for sharing your life and your love of Rob and your family.... you are such a special person... jen

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JAZZYJB 3/8/2008 10:47AM

    Ok Bev I am trying to type this through my tears, what a beautiful blog and letter to your brother. I bet Rob is beaming right now. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

Janet

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GRAMMYSKIDS58 3/7/2008 2:25PM

    Thanks so much fora wonderful emotional blog. I think we all have someone that we didn't say or do the things we wanted to. I'm sure your brother knew how much you loved him and cherished the moments you had together even if you didn't tell him. It is great that you told him things and asked for his forgiveness, it is also time to forgive yourself. He is looking down on you and he is proud of all you have accomplished and the positive changes you have made. You will always have your memories and he will always be there with you giving you a push when you need it. Good luck to you on your journey!!

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SUNFLOWER66 3/7/2008 1:51PM

    this is one of the most beautifully, raw, emotional things i've read. it's got to be so hard to have things that were left unsaid. but i know your brother is up there knowing exactly how you felt about him and loving you right back. he's sitting on a beautiful cloud somewhere watching his sister, his wife, his children and his parents living their lives with a big smile on his face. he cheers you on, loves you and keeps close watch on you.

he would be so very proud of you...

kate :)

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NAVYMOM133 3/7/2008 1:47PM

    Simply, thank you. You have overwhelmed me with this gift of yourself.
What a beautiful person you are. What a wonderful brother, son, husband and father Rob was, while he was with you all. I think 'S' gets his writing skills from Auntie. You have moved me deeply.
I thank you.
XO, Mel

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GOALS

Friday, February 29, 2008

GOALS

WEEK 21
Increase intensity of treadmill/outdoor cardio workouts
Utilize incline Wed./Thurs.
Push strength program to fatigue muscles
COMPLETED! 05.24.08 - cardio option, menu planning
05.25.08 - cardio option
05.26.08 - 37 cardio, strength (arms)
05.27.08 - 37 cardio
05.28.08 - 37 cardio, strength (legs)
05.29.08 - 37 cardio
05.30.08 - 37 cardio, strength (arms), Goal Planning
Reflections:

WEEK 20
Increase run time from 36 to 37 min.
Utilize incline Wed./Thurs.
Push strength program to fatigue muscles
COMPLETED! 05.17.08 - cardio option, BBBC
COMPLETED! 05.18.08 - cardio 5K DAY!, Menu planning
COMPLETED! 05.19.08 - 45 cardio, BBBC, strength (legs)
BBBC only. 05.20.08 - 45 cardio, BBBC
Cardio only. 05.21.08 - 45 cardio, BBBC strength (arms)
Cardio only. 05.22.08 - 45 cardio, BBBC
Cardio only. 05.23.08 - 45 cardio, BBBC, strength (legs), Goal Planning
Reflections: 5K went far better than anticipated. My pace was 11:36 and I was 82 out of 155 for Females ages 40-44. Not bad for the first 5K! Lost 2.5 lbs.

WEEK 19
Increase run time from 35 t0 36 minutes
Utilize incline Wed./Thurs.
Push strength program to fatigue muscles
COMPLETED! 05.10.08 - cardio option, BBBC
COMPLETED! 05.11.08 - cardio option, BBBC, Menu planning
COMPLETED! 05.12.08 - 45 cardio, BBBC, strength (legs)
COMPLETED! 05.13.08 - 45 cardio, BBBC
COMPLETED! 05.14.08 - 45 cardio, BBBC strength (arms)
COMPLETED! 05.15.08 - 45 cardio, BBBC
05.16.08 - 45 cardio, BBBC, strength (legs), Goal Planning
Reflections: Mon. workout dismal, zero energy. Other workouts better. Jogged 1.5 miles on pavement (and uphill) on Thurs., upped calories slightly to reflect exercise level to see if weight comes off quicker. Lost 1/2 lb.

WEEK 18
Increase run time from 35 t0 36 minutes
Utilize incline Wed./Thurs.
Push strength program to fatigue muscles
COMPLETED! 05.03.08 - cardio option, 100 abs option
COMPLETED! 05.04.08 - cardio option, 100 abs option, Menu planning
COMPLETED! 05.05.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 row, 25x2 curl)
COMPLETED! 05.06.08 - 45 cardio
Rest due to hip. 05.07.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (25x2 la, 25x2 la, 25x2 squat)
COMPLETED! 05.08.08 - 45 cardio
Rest due to hip. 05.09.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 row, 25x2 curl), Goal Planning
Reflections: Ran for 38 minutes! Hip paid the price though so took rest on Wed. (when period happened to start.) Then did 6 miles on Thurs. so rested on Fri. too in the cardio dept. First week of Beach Body Boot Camp. Am beginning to notice differences due to strength work - arms/legs look better, less flabby. Lost 1/2 lb.

WEEK 17
Increase run time from 33 t0 35 minutes
Utilize incline Wed./Thurs.
Push strength program to fatigue muscles
COMPLETED! 04.26.08 - cardio option, 100 abs option
COMPLETED! 04.27.08 - cardio option, 100 abs option, Menu planning
COMPLETED! 04.28.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 sq, 25x2 curl)
COMPLETED! 04.29.08 - 45 cardio
COMPLETED! 04.30.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 sq, 25x2 curl)
COMPLETED! 05.01.08 - 45 cardio
COMPLETED! 05.02.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 sq, 25x2 curl), Goal Planning
Reflections: Lungs/heart still not up to par, can't breathe through nose when running. Focused more on strength with new program. A few more fatty things in the diet this week so need to watch it or will give myself permission. Clothes fitting better; starting to have a wardrobe problem! Lost one pound.

WEEK 16
Increase run time from 31 t0 32 minutes
Utilize incline Wed./Thurs.
Push strength program to fatigue muscles
COMPLETED! 04.19.08 - cardio option, 100 abs option
COMPLETED! 04.20.08 - cardio option, 100 abs option, Menu planning
COMPLETED! 04.21.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 sq, 25x2 curl)
COMPLETED! 04.22.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs
COMPLETED! 04.23.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 sq, 25x2 curl)
Cardio only. 04.24.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs
COMPLETED! 04.25.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 sq, 25x2 curl), Goal Planning
Reflections: Mon. run was great, 33 min.! Other workouts were tough, especially Thurs. with incline. Friday was a 34 min. run. Stayed mostly on track with food but had some serious cravings and munchies. Lost 2 lbs.

WEEK 15
Increase run time from 25 t0 32 minutes
Utilize incline Wed./Thurs.
Push strength program to fatigue muscles
Cardio only. 04.12.08 - cardio option, 100 abs, Menu planning
Cardio only. 04.13.08 - cardio option, 100 abs
COMPLETED! 04.14.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 sq, 25x2 curl)
Cardio only. 04.15.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs
COMPLETED! 04.16.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 sq, 25x2 curl)
COMPLETED! 04.17.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs
Cardio only. 04.18.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 sq, 25x2 curl), Goal Planning
Reflections: Started period on Mon.; felt under the weather on Wed., felt better and used incline on Thurs. Didn't follow exercise plan to the letter but put in extra cardio/strength with lawn aeration and gardening work. Lost 0 lbs. Discouraged.

WEEK 14
Increase run time from 21 t0 22 minutes
Push strength program to fatigue muscles
COMPLETED! 04.05.08 - rest
COMPLETED! 04.06.08 - 30 min cardio, 100 abs
COMPLETED! 04.07.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 sq, 25x2 curl), Menu Planning
COMPLETED! 04.08.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs
COMPLETED! 04.09.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 sq, 25x2 curl)
COMPLETED! 04.10.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs
COMPLETED! 04.11.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 sq, 25x2 curl), Goal Planning
Reflections: Had awesome workout on Monday, ran 25 instead of 22 min.! Another awesome workout on Tuesday. Wed. - tough; Thurs. tough. Munchies toward end of week. Ran 31 minutes on Friday - woo! hoo! Used incline for entire workout on Wed. and Thurs. Lost TWO pounds!

WEEK 13
Increase run time from 20 t0 21 minutes
Push strength program to fatigue muscles
COMPLETED! 03.29.08 - 100 abs, Goal Planning
COMPLETED! 03.30.08 - 30 min cardio, 100 abs
COMPLETED! 03.31.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 sq, 25x2 curl), Menu Planning
COMPLETED! 04.01.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs
COMPLETED! 04.02.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 sq, 25x2 curl)
COMPLETED! 04.03.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs
Did not complete. 04.04.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 25x2 sq, 25x2 curl), Goal Planning
Reflections: Gained 2.5 after mini vacation and it took 4 days to relose the weight. Got munchies in first two days after trip, so even though I made good food choices while gone, there must have been added sodium and fat. That equals extra weight and cravings. Didn't complete all goals for week because didn't do strength or abs on Friday. Overall, lost one pound.

WEEK 12
Increase run time from 19 to 20 minutes
Increase abs to 100 per day
Push strength program
COMPLETED! 03.22.08 - rest (sick)
COMPLETED! 03.23.08 - rest (sick),
COMPLETED! 03.24.08 - 40 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 20x2 sq, 20x2 curl)
COMPLETED! 03.25.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, meal planning
COMPLETED! 03.26.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 20x2 sq, 20x2 curl)
COMPLETED! 03.27.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs
COMPLETED! 03.28.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs, strength (20x2 pu, 20x2 sq, 20x2 curl)
Reflections: Started off week with upper respiratory crud (cough, headache, stuffiness, fatigue) and worried I wouldn't get back on track. Energy level came back on Tues. with awesome 20 min. run. Energy plummeted on Wed., felt like lead during workout. Excellent workout on Thurs., ran 20 min. Lost 1.5 lbs.

WEEK 11
Increase run time from 18 to 19 minutes.
Retain intervals at current 3(run)/2(walk) to baby hip a little longer.
Have strategy for Friday and Easter weekend.
Learn more about strength training.
COMPLETED! 03.15.08 - 30 min. cardio option, 60 abs, Goal Planning
COMPLETED! 03.16.08 - 60 abs, cardio option, Menu Planning
COMPLETED! 03.17.08 - 45 cardio, 60 abs, strength (18x2 pu, 20x2 sq, 20x2 curl)
COMPLETED! 03.18.08 - 45 cardio, 60 abs
COMPLETED! 03.19.08 - 45 cardio, 60 abs, strength (18x2 pu, 20x2 sq, 20x2 curl)
COMPLETED! 03.20.08 - 45 cardio
COMPLETED! 03.21.08 - rest
Reflections: Had chocolate fondue, first indulgence since starting in January, started period Wed., energy a little lower. but ran 19 min. on Mon. and Thurs. and did intervals on Wed. Got crud on Thurs. so revised goals to rest. Not a great ending to the week. Lost 1/2 pound.

WEEK 10
Incorporate running back into program, let body decide time
Incorporate intervals back into program, let body decide time
Incorporate ab work back into program
Keep sodium levels in 1300-1600 range
COMPLETED! 03.08.08 - 30 min. cardio, 60 abs, Goal Planning
COMPLETED! 03.09.08 - 60 abs, Menu Planning
COMPLETED! 03.10.08 - 45 cardio, 60 abs, strength (18x2 pu, 20x2 sq, 20x2 curl)
COMPLETED! 03.11.08 - 45 cardio, 60 abs
COMPLETED! 03.12.08 - 45 cardio, 60 abs, strength (18x2 pu, 20x2 sq, 20x2 curl)
COMPLETED! 03.13.08 - 45 cardio, 60 abs
COMPLETED! 03.14.08 - 45 cardio, 60 abs, strength (18x2 pu, 20x2 sq, 20x2 curl)
Reflections: Ran 18 minutes (1.25 miles) on Tuesday and Friday; hip did fine. Did 6 3(run) /2(walk) intervals on Wednesday. Abs/strength still tough, not feeling much improvement. Was "high" on sodium one day. Lost 2 lbs.

WEEK 9
Increase runtime from 16 to 17 minutes
Increase "Fat Burn" intervals to 2 minutes
COMPLETED! 03.01.08 - 30 min. cardio, 100 abs
COMPLETED! 03.02.08 - 100 abs., Menu Planning
COMPLETED! 03.03.08 - 45 cardio, 100 abs., strength (18x2 pu, 20x2 sq, 20x2 curl)
COMPLETED! 03.04.08 - 45 cardio
COMPLETED! 03.05.08 - 45 cardio, strength (18x2 pu, 20x2 sq, 20x2 curl)
COMPLETED! 03.06.08 - 45 cardio
COMPLETED! 03.07.08 - 45 cardio, strength (18x2 pu, 20x2 sq, 20x2 curl)
Reflections: Had to revise goals mid-week (remove abs, no intervals/running) due to hip injury/stress. Exercised in spite of hip injury. Felt good all week. Bought new shoes. Discovered that sodium may impact weight movement. Lost 1 lb. on 03.04.08 and 2 lbs. total since 02.29.08

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENNIFER124 3/14/2008 2:36AM

    looking at all those COMPLETED's next to your goal for the day is IMPRESSIVE ---- double whoo-hoo!!! jen

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RUNCHOOSE 3/5/2008 4:28PM

    Hope your hip gets better soon. I am glad you are adjusting your plan accordingly - it sounds like you need the recovery and rehab time. I'm taking is slow this week, too. The wintry mix was a trip to the snowy mountains, where I did some extreme sledding. My knees and ankles started to complain so I haven't been running since Saturday. It feels good to listen to my body, though.

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NAVYMOM133 3/4/2008 12:45PM

    Hugs to you and hopes that your hip pain is nothing serious. Holy moley, my hips hurt just reading these outstanding goals!! You are doing such a great job, Bev. If you need to slow this part down for a few days or so, pick up that slack in other areas of your program - learn more about nutrition, plan even better meals, try creative new things. Just don't succumb to the 'fortune-telling critic' inside - there are many aspects here and we have to nail ALL of them so treat this as a mini-sabbatical where you are nurturing yourself at a different, but no less refreshing and satisfying, fountain.
I am confident that you will 'find a way to win'. We're all in this together!! Do like Nate-dogg and LEAN!
Big hug,
Mel

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MCBETH45 3/4/2008 6:56AM

    Thanks for the comment on my blog. You too are doing a wonderful job! You're almost to your goal already for the end of March-you must be feeling great.
My hip pain was due to bursitis-I had to go for physical therapy for 6 wks and I didn't exercise at all for about a month. I would definitely take it easy, maybe walk & take a day off for a day or two. The most important things the therapist taught me was to stretch, stretch, stretch! I would say to look up some hip stretches on the web & do them in the am & again at night, & keep the stretch for 25 sec at a time. Boy, I sure hope that helps. I was really bummed about it last year-but as long as I am careful now, everything is peachy! Let me know how you're doing....Beth

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XHASTEDMOMOF2 3/3/2008 7:21PM

    WOW!! You are doing awesome girl!!! I bet you'll be seeing results real soon!!!

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RUNCHOOSE 3/2/2008 9:43PM

    Those sound like great goals. What do you mean by "100 abs"- is that crunches?! Woah. Good for you.

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Onward

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


I talked to my dad today. He had his bimonthly appt. with the oncologist to get all his "numbers." He has leukemia, CLL, a chronic form and he's had it since 2002. There's no cure but it can be managed through chemo and other drugs. Doctors often describe it as the "good" cancer. In spite of today's low white count, so far so good.

In the past, this conversation with my dad would have prompted mindless eating. Even though things are okay for now, I still worry because it has been so up and down these last five years. My parents have been through a lot. As history proves, worry makes me graze. Moo.

I think his illness (and my brother's death from leukemia) have taught me to look at life as it is, not as I want it to be. Yet, sometimes I don't like how things turn out and don't know what to do with the yucky feelings. Food has always been an easy fix for that. I am happy to say I am sitting with the yuckiness these days instead of feeding it.

What makes me sad is that my dad is tired. He's a late-life runner. He took it up after retirement. He has prided himself on his 8- and 9-minute miles. Now he's tired after 5 miles and is running 12- and 13-minute miles. He wants to run but this illness is slowing him down.

I wish I could run a 5K with him but I'm not sure that will ever be a possibility. We are in separate states and my running isn't going as fast as I want it to and his seems to be slowing down.

So I sit with yucky feelings for a little while. The good news is that I know I won't give into them.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUNCHOOSE 3/2/2008 9:46PM

    hugs...

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SUNFLOWER66 2/28/2008 10:39AM

    sorgin, now i know where you get your unbelievable outlook on life. i'm so very sorry that you have had to mourn the loss of your brother and go through your dad's battle as well. but he seems like a strong man - to begin running AFTER he began treatments indicates that he's a fighter!

i think the spirit of a fighter is a cool legacy, too. that's why you shouldn't give up on the dieting even though you're not seeing the results you want today! you're still fighting for it, and that's what counts!

i can't imagine what you are going through emotionally with your dad's illness, but i do know that it's ok, and it's human to be sad sometimes. so i'm sending you a great big warm hug today. please keep blogging about him. i want to know how he's doing.

your friend, kate :)

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