Saturday, September 25, 2010
...I was awakened by my husband, who was stroking my body and proclaiming it to be "luscious." Then we made love. Then he took the dogs for a walk, so I could take a post-coital nap. When he comes back, he will change the brake pads on my car. Clearly, I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
Thursday, September 02, 2010
Recently, an incredibly supportive Spark friend was nervous about an upcoming event. My two cents for having fun instead of letting nerves get the best of her -- fake it til you make it. After her event, she reported that it worked, and she had a good time.
Isn't it amazing that we can trick ourselves into having a good time? We have so much influence over our own emotional reactions to things -- even when it feels like situations are getting the best of us, it is OUR mindsets that determine our responses.
I'm particularly conscious of this right now, as I (continue to) struggle with my Mom in the wake of Dad's death. Because her life feels out of control, she wants to control everything around her...and since I'm the child who is in town, I'm often the one at her house, to help. Which means I'm often in the line of fire. Given my complicated relationship with my Mom, I often react and play out my part in the same way I have since I was a kid -- defiant, angry, hurt. Not a great combination when I'm there to help.
And, the truth is, I want to help...and she needs help. But I struggle with wanting my help to come from a loving place without being disrespected in the process. And, yes, even with an ailing Mother, being treated with respect is a minimum expectation. At the same time, I am absolutely bringing my own attitude to the table right now, by waiting for the slightest sign of disrespect. I'm watching for it, defensively...and when you come at life from that attitude, you're bound to find exactly what you're looking for. So I am creating part of the dynamic, too.
So my goal for myself right now is to take my own advice...and fake it til I make it. I will go into my interactions with my Mother anticipating nothing but love and respect from her. By going into her home with that energy (even if I'm faking it) I really think it will change the dynamic between the two of us.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
For weeks I have, somehow, managed to curb my emotional eating to a huge degree. At the point when my life was most in turmoil, I was able to keep it together pretty consistently...which meant that I got through my Father's death and funeral week without any real weight set-back. But since then, I have also not lost any weight...even after being back on track with food and exercise.
Just a couple months ago, I was drinking soda, eating fries and burgers on a regular basis, and following that up with desserts/doughnuts/cookies on the run. I don't understand why the scale is not moving...it's not like I could possibly be on a plateau, I've only lost four pounds since the beginning of July!
Yesterday, I got on the scale and saw that I was in a position to be down this week. My day went well, until I visited Mom to spend a few hours paying bills, helping around the house, and generally keeping her company. Unfortunately, one way my Mom is grieving for Dad is by being very controlling. No matter what I do, she questions it. I try to remind myself that she feels like her life is out of control and this is a coping mechanism...but yesterday, she was just a little too unappreciative and, frankly, unkind. We argued. And then I ate.
I didn't eat the world, but certainly enough to feel unpleasantly full and I'm sure I've blown the week, in terms of tomorrow's weigh in. I'm trying to remember that I didn't get to this weight in a day, and I can't undo my progress in a day, either. Also trying to remember this is a long process of small steps. Its just a bummer to be stuck at the same weight when I feel like I have made consistent changes over the past 6 weeks.
I don't think I've ever put in this much effort for so little reward...but I don't know how to stay motivated when effort is not producing results.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sometimes, it feels good to clean out and have a fresh start. Today, I have spent the morning getting stuff off my desk, literally and figuratively.
I wrote ten thank you notes.
I filed a foot-high pile of papers.
I changed out my filing cabinet, so that only the current stuff is next to my desk.
It's a good feeling. I am also going to have the kids clean out their desks before the new school year. I would say I'd clean out my closet, but that is generally a task that leads to feeling bad, and I'm unwilling to go there today. Today, it's all about feeling good, and hitting restart...I'm moving on.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Last week I was really honestly good with my eating and my exercise. I logged every meal except one dinner (which was too complicated to deal with) AND I drank water like a champ. And I didn't lose an ounce. Man, it's frustrating. So, of course, this weekend I blew it all off. Yesterday, I went to the movies and ate a (small) popcorn by myself, so I'm sure I'm retaining water like a sponge today. So I'm going to try not to weigh myself...but I have started to obsess with the numbers on the scale a little bit.
The thing is, rationally, I know that if I keep it up the weight will come off...it's just science. But I don't understand WHY some didn't come off last week. It's not like I'm anywhere near a plateau...I have a lot to lose and this just doesn't seem fair.
I don't want to create some messed up excuse to throw in the towel, because I clearly don't feel good and I want to look better, be healthier, etc. But it's very, very hard to regroup when doing the right thing doesn't get you the results you want.
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