Tuesday, August 12, 2014
I can't believe my last blog entry was dated 2012! I guess I haven't been very active on SP lately. It's a shame because this is one of the best places on the Web for me.
I'm still paying around with different programs. Ever since I left OA 90 Day, food and eating have once again been a struggle for me. My weight goes up, my weight comes down. My binge eating disorder manifests itself for many days in a row, then it subsides for a while. This is all contingent on my state of mind, of course. When I am connected to God, when I can be happy with a moderate amount of food, when I can follow my food and eating boundaries, things go well. When my self-will runs riot, life is hell.
I've been reading a wonderful book called Thin Within. It's a Christian, grace-based approach to food and eating, and it agrees with me very much, except that the food and eating boundaries are tricky to establish at first. On a scale of 0-10, with 0 being absolutely empty and very hungry, and 10 being stuffed beyond comfort, you try to keep your eating between 0 and 5. Hence, this is called 0-5 eating. This is a very simplified explanation, and the program involves Bible Study and prayer------lots of it.
I find that I do well sometimes, and sometimes not so well. So, I'm also incorporating Weight Watchers points system to keep me accountable for how much I eat, until I get the hang of eating moderate amounts of food again. I like WW because you don't have to count most fruits and vegetables, and so I can fill up on plenty of these healthy foods. But, I must remember to keep the amount at the moderate level and not to go overboard (eat beyond a 5).
I still very much believe in a plant-based, whole-foods diet, but I'm finding that I can get obsessive about this, too. So, I am trying to keep at the moderate level, too. As St. Paul said, "All things are allowed, but not all things are beneficial." Can't quote where and it's greatly paraphrased, but the idea is there.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
I've been dealing with an eating disorder all of my life. It will never go away, and I will never be cured. Like a diabetic, I will always have this disorder (disease) and my problem is trying to find the right "medicine" for it.
I thought that I had found the answer in OA90 Day. What I found was an excellent diet. I couldn't keep it up. There was no room for failure because we counted our days, just as they do in AA. Mess up, and you're back to Day One. I have had so many Day One's, I can't count them all. And before I got a Day One, I always had the day, week, or month before Day One: eat all you can of everything that you can't have on your food plan, because tomorrow you will start the program and get serious about it! Yeah. Right. Well, anyway, that was what I call "stinkin' thinkin.'
Becky Lu Jackson has written an excellent book for people like me: "Dieting: A Dry Drunk" and the accompanying workbook. I'm working through it with a sponsor who is recovering from 46 years of anorexia and bulimia. I've been abstinent now for 17 days. (I know, I'm still counting. It's hard to let go!) Becky's plan is very similar to the No S Diet in that you have 3 moderate meals a day with nothing in between. This works for me. It's very freeing in that I choose what I'm going to eat, and as long as I have moderate portions, all is well.
I've come to understand that I have an eating addiction, not an addiction to any particular food, such as sugar or flour or butter. When I start eating, I can't stop! So, this program helps me to have a beginning and an end to my meals. I actually text my sponsor when I start my meal, and again when my meal has ended.
Time will tell how well this works for me, but I can easily see myself following this program for the rest of my life.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Had a green smoothie for breakfast yesterday morning and by the time I got to Nancy's house, I was famished (11:30). I did the morning step class, so that made me even more hungry than usual. Having no food with me, I went directly to the snack table and started snacking: corn chips, pretzels, guacamole, and even had a coke (12oz). Then lunch was served: Spanish rice, salad with Ranch dressing, a flour tortilla, a couple pieces of pork, birthday cake AND cheesecake.
After I left Nancy's (and I had a wonderful time, by the way, visiting with Nicole and Annie. Later Pres. Anastasia, Barbara, and Maria came), I went to an Indian grocery store, still trying to gather ingredients for the recipes in my Indian Slow Cooker book and Indian Vegan book. I picked up a pkg of hazelnut cookies and a pistachio ice cream bar. They were small, but delicious.
At home (6PM), after sitting in horrendous Highway 17 traffic because of a van catching on fire and burning up), I watched Weeds until 12 midnight (ashamed to say). I ate at about 3 of the Indian flat breads I bought, with butter, and a peach. Ugh.
This morning is Sunday, and I have to leave for church. Chris and Alex are on their way home from James' house in Redlands. I have packed a salad for my lunch, and will bring a peach with me to eat in the car on the way to church and have another Indian flat bread. I did fix Split Black Lentils in the slow cooker from my book. Will enter the nutritional information in Spark later today.
After church I plan to work on the Doxology and eat my salad. Coming home, I will vacuum my house BEFORE I turn on the TV!
Friday, August 24, 2012
Breakfast (8:30): Watermelon
Lunch (11:30): Green Smoothie: Kale, banana, berries, flax seeds)
Dinner (5:30): Hale to the Kale salad, brown rice, beans
Come back and write about feelings (physical and emotional)
Did well until I went to Valerie's house to care for the dawgs. I snooped into her cupboard and found some tortilla chips, lady fingers, cereal (had a bowl with soy milk), and a granola bar (which I didn't even really enjoy). However, I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day until the evening before bed: 1 small cold potato with some mustard and a piece of baked tofu. I was feeling like I needed to have something in my stomach to sleep well.
I still want to make the Hale to the Kale salad. Maybe I'll get to it today. I'm going to Wilhelmine's and Nicole's birthday party over in San Jose.
Monday, August 20, 2012
It's time to reinvent myself. I'm stuck in a rut: eating too much, eating too much of the wrong foods. I shouldn't even call them foods. I should call them drugs, poison, evil; anything but "food." Food is nourishing and nurturing, the stuff God created for our bodies.
I keep buying new books on dieting, new ways of eating, books with catchy titles that have nothing to do with dieting, books on changing your life, your habits. I buy new programs: Weight Watchers, Spark Coach, anything that looks like it will help me change my bad habits.
I'm exercising, thanks to Jazzercise and my love of dancing.
Maybe when I start teaching full time and my schedule gets more stable, I'll be able to get myself together. I need to make a week's worth of menus for myself and stick to it. Just like Douglas Lisle says in "The Pleasure Trap:" making a menu plan will be my life saver.
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