Thursday, May 22, 2008
I've had some serious issues at home with my eldest child, the graduate. We had a big fight, which in our house with this child is not all that uncommon, but it never fails to make me feel very stressed and depressed.
I often feel like my daughter is the most ungrateful, lazy, back stabbing, deceitful, argumentative, and just plain out ugly person on the planet. Has the devil possessed her? What happened to the innocent angel that once was my precious child? Why oh why did she have to become a teenager?!?!?
I love her but honestly sometimes its oh so very difficult to like her. She complains that I don't give her enough praise or spend enough time in relationship with her, but honestly it's hard to do with someone you have a hard time liking, understanding, and respecting. It's so hard when everything that person does seems selfish, and over dramatic, and loaded with unrealistic expectations. I feel like I'm being used, she acts all sweet and cooperative when she wants something from me, but otherwise she is just plain ugly to me.
I admit I have faults too I'm far from the perfect parent, my time is spread to thin being the mom of 5 kids. I don't give out enough affirmation, and affection to my kids individually, but my time and energy is dedicated to caring for them 24/7. I expect that to mean something to them. I expect appreciation for providing food, shelter, medical care, clothing, and countless other things.
I've put blood, sweat, and tears into them, and I don't stand around looking for a pat on the back for every little thing but please don't accuse me of not caring or loving after all the years I've dedicated to the job. And please don't blame me for every problem you have in your life, instead of taking responsibility for your own actions. Take responsibility for your own laziness, lack of planning and organization, and bad attitude.
Right now the I am forcing myself to make time for ME, time to eat right and exercise so that I can feel better about myself and have a better self image. The stress I have with this child is making it very difficult to stay the course. Stress is a big pit fall for me when it comes to drowning my sorrows by eating and just giving up because it's just to difficult to deal with all of it at the same time.
I'm probably famous for saying I pick myself up and dust myself off when things go wrong, but today I'm feeling too exhausted and defeated to do it. I pray that the Lord will give me strength and the will to do it.
My daughter and I had a very long conversation last night (3-4 hours), we were up past 1 am clearing the air. I turned the tables on her a bit, a little reverse psychology. I shared how totally and utterly crappy it makes me feel that she blames me for everything. I broke down in exasperation, told her how unappreciated and used she make me feel. How she makes me feel like I'm the absolute worst parent ever to exist. I told her she drives me to to feel like they would all be better off without me to mess up their lives. I told her I was at my wits end at how we would ever mend our relationship.
She seemed to take a different attitude after that, perhaps she was totally floored and I think it made her feel a bit guilty for being ugly to me/her family. I pray that somehow seeing me vulnerable and exposed will make bring a change in her.
I want to change too but I can only promise to try harder. I can't promise I'll get it right all the time. With God's help I hope that I'll find a way to mend things, it's just not an easy road. I'm grateful that God has provided friends who pray for me and support me. And I'm also thankful to my God for sending me a loving and supportive husband who at times I think is the only one who truly understands me.
This seems like and appropriate place to end my post. Getting these thing out (venting) has helped me already. I'm beginning to think I can face the day ahead and achieve my goals (the right way).