SOPH1218   6,997
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Feeling a bit down (time to vent)

Thursday, May 22, 2008

I've had some serious issues at home with my eldest child, the graduate. We had a big fight, which in our house with this child is not all that uncommon, but it never fails to make me feel very stressed and depressed.

I often feel like my daughter is the most ungrateful, lazy, back stabbing, deceitful, argumentative, and just plain out ugly person on the planet. Has the devil possessed her? What happened to the innocent angel that once was my precious child? Why oh why did she have to become a teenager?!?!?

I love her but honestly sometimes its oh so very difficult to like her. She complains that I don't give her enough praise or spend enough time in relationship with her, but honestly it's hard to do with someone you have a hard time liking, understanding, and respecting. It's so hard when everything that person does seems selfish, and over dramatic, and loaded with unrealistic expectations. I feel like I'm being used, she acts all sweet and cooperative when she wants something from me, but otherwise she is just plain ugly to me.

I admit I have faults too I'm far from the perfect parent, my time is spread to thin being the mom of 5 kids. I don't give out enough affirmation, and affection to my kids individually, but my time and energy is dedicated to caring for them 24/7. I expect that to mean something to them. I expect appreciation for providing food, shelter, medical care, clothing, and countless other things.

I've put blood, sweat, and tears into them, and I don't stand around looking for a pat on the back for every little thing but please don't accuse me of not caring or loving after all the years I've dedicated to the job. And please don't blame me for every problem you have in your life, instead of taking responsibility for your own actions. Take responsibility for your own laziness, lack of planning and organization, and bad attitude.

Right now the I am forcing myself to make time for ME, time to eat right and exercise so that I can feel better about myself and have a better self image. The stress I have with this child is making it very difficult to stay the course. Stress is a big pit fall for me when it comes to drowning my sorrows by eating and just giving up because it's just to difficult to deal with all of it at the same time.

I'm probably famous for saying I pick myself up and dust myself off when things go wrong, but today I'm feeling too exhausted and defeated to do it. I pray that the Lord will give me strength and the will to do it.

My daughter and I had a very long conversation last night (3-4 hours), we were up past 1 am clearing the air. I turned the tables on her a bit, a little reverse psychology. I shared how totally and utterly crappy it makes me feel that she blames me for everything. I broke down in exasperation, told her how unappreciated and used she make me feel. How she makes me feel like I'm the absolute worst parent ever to exist. I told her she drives me to to feel like they would all be better off without me to mess up their lives. I told her I was at my wits end at how we would ever mend our relationship.

She seemed to take a different attitude after that, perhaps she was totally floored and I think it made her feel a bit guilty for being ugly to me/her family. I pray that somehow seeing me vulnerable and exposed will make bring a change in her.

I want to change too but I can only promise to try harder. I can't promise I'll get it right all the time. With God's help I hope that I'll find a way to mend things, it's just not an easy road. I'm grateful that God has provided friends who pray for me and support me. And I'm also thankful to my God for sending me a loving and supportive husband who at times I think is the only one who truly understands me.

This seems like and appropriate place to end my post. Getting these thing out (venting) has helped me already. I'm beginning to think I can face the day ahead and achieve my goals (the right way).


Worked hard today!

Friday, May 16, 2008

Today was a yard work day. I finally got around to planting my veggies. Last year I was done a month earlier. I planted 6 tomato plants, 6 pepper plants, 4 summer squash plants, and several seeds for cucumbers. I dug the dirt to loosen the soil, raked it to smooth it, then laid black weed control fabric before planting too. Think I'm sunburned too.

I rode my bike 30 min this morning before heading outdoors to work on the garden. Wahoo!!! Not sure I will get another ride in today though just cause the garden took all my energy.

Hopefully I will get in some extra tomorrow.



Friday, May 09, 2008

Why oh why does it take SO long to lose a pound or lose an inch? I need it to go faster to stay motivated. I need to SEE results, in the form of fitting into a smaller size or a visual on the scale. My current loss could just be water retention that released.

I get so down being this big. My daughter will be graduating and her mother looks like a cow. I feel like I'm working my arse off at drinking my water, watching the food I eat, and working out but I still feel like I'm standing still when it comes to weight loss. I know I need to be more patient but I'm SO bad at patient.

Need to snap out of these blues. Hoping to cheer myself up by going shopping this weekend for some garden goodies. Added benefit is I'll get to enjoy some fresh grown veggies this summer, and it counts as exercise.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIZZYB430 5/16/2008 10:11AM

    Hey sweetie you are beautiful no matter what you weigh. I am praying for you and you keep up the good work. Don't let Satan pull you down!!! U CAN DO THIS

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KHAOSKITTEN 5/11/2008 2:40PM

    You are doing great! Don't you dare get down on yourself! We are losing these pounds together , remember? No it's not going to happen over night but it is happening and that is the important thing!
Love ya!

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Monday Report

Monday, May 05, 2008

The TRS weight loss challenge started today, so I had to weigh in. To my surprise I was down 3 lbs from a little over a week ago. I'm sure it was mostly water releasing since my measurements haven't changed.

I did good today compared to yesterday, as we went to Wendy's for lunch and I went hog wild, my lunch calories totaled to over 800. Today's breakfast and lunch combined totaled less. LOL Not sweating it as I don't get to eat out like that often. Hoping the rest of the week will be healthy choices.

I'm going to do the binki boot camp videos a looking see tomorrow. May join the ladies doing that, without actually joining the boot camp team. Just need some variety in my life and the videos seem like good ways to strengthen and tone some areas.


Feeling Positive

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Went grocery shopping yesterday, so I'm stocked up on more fat free items. Getting rid of all my empty calories, not sure why I had them in the first place. emoticon

I've placed my cardio goal at 15 min a ride, but plan to increase it by a minute each week until I'm doing 30 mins a ride and 2 rides a day for a total of 60 min a day.

Feeling positive today! Positive that I can...
I can drink more than 64 oz of water today
I can have a positive attitude today
I can experience love and joy today
And I can lose weight today

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LYNZ999 5/1/2008 4:42PM

    Such a great attitude, keep it up! :)

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KHAOSKITTEN 5/1/2008 9:59AM

    I love your excited positive outlook on life! You are doing great!

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