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Things are Looking Up (mostly)

Monday, May 17, 2010

Hi All,

I am back from Grandpa's funeral. It was an OK trip. Sad, but good to be with family. I'm glad I got to spend so much time with my Grandma (they were married 68+ years!).

I am tired and kind of emotionally spent. But things went well. I went to a supermarket right after getting to Omaha and bought all kinds of veggies and fruit and options for healthy eating AND that's all I ate! It was awkward at times. I felt actually a little obsessive eating out of the trunk of the rental car. It felt unhealthy, kind of (secretive a bit). But then I remembered I was eating broccoli and pretzels and carrots, etc to avoid the ham and whipped potatoes, etc that were inside and I felt better.

And I worked out on the hotel stationary bike both mornings I was there. My running injury (gluteus medius syndrome, for those who care) is not bothered by the bike.

On the first morning there, my immidiate family was looking for me, and my dad apparently said, "well if there's a workout room, she's probably in it". To which everyone replied, "oh right, of course". They are used to me being active now. Who would have thought???

I didn't track while gone, but started again today. I weigh in tomorrow, but feel kind of down about that whole thing. I've been trying to weigh 185.9 or less for a month now. And with my injury I have to take at least a week or 2 off of running, which is frustrating. I can't even do fast walking because it hurts. But I'm not freaking out (really, I'm not). I'll bike when I can, try to reduce the calories and not begin to think it's the beginning of the end (as I am wont to do).

So there's where I am.

I missed being on SP so much.
It's good to be home (both in St. Louis and on SP!).

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROYALETBONE 5/20/2010 1:40AM

    Wow, looks like you took very good care of you- awesome!

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KRO-BAR 5/18/2010 10:51AM

    That's an awesome post! Congrats on excelling at your goals during difficult times!

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JAMIEHORN20 5/18/2010 10:24AM

    Wow, 68 years of marriage! That's incredible! Your grandparents sound great. I'm glad you got to spend time with family and that the eating went better than you thought it would!

I smiled when I read the part about your family recognizing your active behavior. What a a good way! Your actions are speaking louder than words and that's really cool. :)

I hope you recover from your injury soon. I know how frustrated you must be--you were doing so well! But you'll be back at it before you know it, and that scale will surely move again soon. You are doing everything right...your body will catch up!!

Welcome back and have a great week.

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DDOORN 5/18/2010 6:06AM

    Good for you to have it ALL: being with family during such an important time AND maintaining healthy food choices AND keeping yourself moving DESPITE your injury!

Great to see you are BACK! :-)


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The week that took a nose dive

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A quick entry as I prepare to leave for my beloved home state of Nebraska. Unfortunately, I am returning for the funeral of my grandpa, which is a bummer. More of a bummer is that his funeral won out over the other funeral going on tomorrow--in Chicago of one of my favorite aunts. They died one day apart, both kind of unexpected. And I'm sad. But mostly I'm trying to prepare for a trip in which I will have little control over many factors.

Food wise, I am scrambling trying to figure out how to be a healthy, vegetarian type person in Holdrege, Nebraska. There is a lot of meat and chips abounding. My plan mostly consists of veggie burgers on bread, some peanut butter (yes I'll be careful, that's a problem food for me), tortillas, refried beans, broccoli, and carrots. I will try to avoid all of the other stuff. We'll see how I do.

I hoped that exercise would be a help, but I pulled a muscle on my run today. It's an area of my leg that's been hurting a bit, but I was able to run through it easily enough and try to stretch it after. But today the pain became sharp and I couldn't even walk fast.

Oh, and I won't have access to a computer for the next 3 days.

The good news:

1. I didn't berate myself for getting injured today, which is how I usually handle it. You know, the, 'you're not really injured just lazy and I hope you liked weighing 275 because here it comes again!' voice. But this time I thought, 'I can't run for a bit. I trust that this pain will hurt me if I try to run more. So I can be miserable for that time, or try to be creative. But either way I can't run, so you pick.' seemed good.

2. I made a food plan and didn't just leave it to chance. It was stressful, and it's not perfect, but it's done.

3. the hotel has a pool and a work out room with a stationary bike, so I will be able to work out better there, actually, that I would here.

4. I get to see folks I haven't seen since a long time ago. (that's both good and bad with the amount of comments I can anticipate. I weighed another person almost last time they saw me).

So there's my story, briefly.
My food has been a lot better, so I feel ready to do this, painful though it may be.

I'll write soon.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIGGERRD 5/19/2010 12:10PM

    I'm sorry for your losses.

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ROYALETBONE 5/14/2010 2:51AM

    So sorry for your losses- and how hard to miss the auntie gathering....
In re food- you might want to take a few good things for you to eat, or plan to go to a grocery store while you are there. Not because you 'must', or 'should', but because YOU will need comfort and taking care of YOU. Do it so you have at least one small 'safe space' for yourself. I'm not saying 3 meals a day- but at least one meal that is what YOUR body craves right now.
Holding yourself, caring for yourself- like that.
Just a thought! I know I'd have some PB and apples and almonds in my room.... stuff that would keep me on an even keel. Heck, I took my oatmeal to Illinois in December for my brothers funeral, cause I knew I would be unbalanced without it. Internally, that is. My body is worth a few moments of thought... and I was more 'present' for my family cause I took care of me.

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PRYDEQUEEN 5/12/2010 10:27PM

    I am sorry for your losses! sounds like you have a plan - way to go!

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JAMIEHORN20 5/12/2010 9:59PM

    So sorry for your losses! Wow, two family members so close together.

Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. I know there will be a lot going on for you on this trip, but it sounds like you've planned the factors you can control.

My prayers are with you and your family!

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FITFRANNIEK 5/12/2010 9:00PM

    will be thinking of you! sorry about the loss of your family members. good luck with the meal plan and remember not to beat yourself up over it. see you back on spark in few days :-)

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RUNNINGJO 5/12/2010 7:17PM

    You will do just fine. But don't stress out about it- this is a time to be with your family. And try to enjoy the time at home, despite the less than ideal circumstances.

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Tuesday, May 04, 2010

I feel so much better after writing my last blog--both getting it out there and getting support.
SP rocks!
I am feeling much better, more free. Calmer, I guess. A little recognition goes a long way.

And I can't wait to read the book Jamie recommended called Passing for Thin. I am way excited.

5K training is going well. I am beginning week 5 tomorrow. I decided to do a different race for my first 5K. People have expressed interest in coming to see me (which is SO freaking cool), so I want it to be a little smaller and crowd friendly (the race I was going to do is one of the biggest in St. Louis and downtown). Instead, I think a park and a smaller race. Then Jenny decided we should have a celebratory bbq after at our house.
SO exciting.

I'm contemplating which race to do. I'll let you all know.

Cheers to freedom.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROYALETBONE 5/5/2010 4:27PM

    Great, uplifting blog- thanks for sharing your excitement!

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TOWANDA132 5/5/2010 12:00PM

    Good for you! I can't wait to find out when you are running, I will SO celebrate with you, what an inspiration.

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PIBBLELVR 5/5/2010 8:54AM

    Go you! Keep on truckin'. I'm excited to hear more!

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LUKESMOM1220 5/5/2010 8:13AM

    Your first 5k is going to be great - big or small, there's no feeling like the first time you cross the finish line! Best of luck and keep us posted!!

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JAMIEHORN20 5/4/2010 9:58PM

    Aww, great blog! That sounds like an amazing way to celebrate your first 5k! I'm glad the training is going so well!

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What numbers don't say

Sunday, May 02, 2010

I don't think anyone probably looks at my public food/exercise trackers. And even if you do look at them, you probably don't look too closely.

But I still have to track. After 2 years I still want to. Because after a few days of not tracking, my estimation for 1/2 cup starts looking suspiciously like 3/4 of a cup again (or a full cup, let's be honest). My 4 oz guesstimate, if actually weighed, would be more like 6 oz. My brain reverts to it's former self. And you can't blame it, it spent 37 years trying to fool me into believing that what I was calling a serving was actually one serving (and not 3).

So if you had been following my logs recently, you'd probably say that things were looking pretty good. So I've been toward the top of my range most days and not toward the middle, but my exercise logs make me look downright overzealous, so it is OK.

OK if you really scrutinized it, you might say, "hey your alcohol calories have gone up a little bit, and you're eating cheese almost every day, that's...interesting. But you are still solidly in your range so no harm, right?"

Well. I am here to tell you there is harm. It's taken me about 2 weeks to realize it, and it took a few humbling moments to realize that I'm not doing well, despite the numbers. Now that I am awake again, I realize that some anxiety/malaise has been creeping in on my the past few weeks. The binge eating part of me started to resurface bit by bit, but I managed to not pay attention, until the past 2 days. I have noticed myself really, really anxious, thinking, ruminating about what I was eating, feeling oppressed about what I was not getting to eat, etc. My partner and I ate out the other night, and I finished my food before she did, and I couldn't concentrate at all on our conversation because I was so focused on the food on her place and wishing she would hurry and finish it before I grabbed her plate and put all of the rest in my mouth in one swift move. That was when the subconscious began getting my attention.
Then yesterday I couldn't keep food out of my mouth. I didn't binge. I didn't go over on my calories. But I know how I ate every one of the calories I did consume--and it was with a desperate, crazed, secretive sense about me. It made me feel so gross and bad about myself. Then I drank a few extra drinks (which did make me go over my calorie range). I am not an alcoholic, but I notice since beginning SP that if I notice myself drinking a bit too much, it's because my food is not going well, EVEN if I am in range on paper.

This has been a hard lesson to learn. Eating too fast, eating until I'm too full. Eating with a sense of anxiety or panic---all of these things remind me of where I have been. After 2 years and some slow but sure success, it reminds me that I am still very much me, the beast still within, just quieter now.

So today I resolved to lay off more than 8 oz of wine a day, and plan my meals ahead of time and draw a hard line on nibbles, tastes, etc. And I'm taking a break from cheese for now (I've had to do this with peanut butter before too when it and I get a little too close for a few days).

And I feel free again. I feel...not in control, but free.

It's going to be OK.
I trust it to be.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MANLEYSANDY 5/12/2010 7:23PM

    I totally know what you mean about the wine...especially when it comes to the not measuring, my 4 oz. become like 8 oz, and yes, I want to eat more too!! I have decided that until the weight is off, no wine Monday through Thursday, and a two wine limited on Friday-Sunday...(I just started that in May) so far so good!

You are doing great, and the best thing is that you are learning and helping others!

Keep it up!!

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TOWANDA132 5/5/2010 12:06PM

    Good for you for calling yourself out and for being aware. Hey seriously Annjie, it took you two weeks to figure out something this time that took you twenty years to figure out the first time, that is amazing! You are so good to you. I'll be sure to eat a bit of cheese for you. :)

As for wine, I love it, but I know from experience that about 3oz in any sitting is a healthy amount for me. ANy less and what's the point, any more and I cloud my judgment and 4 becomes 9 or 12oz. emoticon The key is exactly what you are doing, being aware and changing your behavior to something that feels good for you!

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NOREGRET2010 5/3/2010 9:08AM

    This was an amazing post. Thank you for your honesty. I so recognize those feelings of food obsession...when can I eat again? what can I eat now? Can I eat this? Can i eat that? Whew. Sort of exhausting isn't it? Go you for recognizing the path you're on and being concious and aware!

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APPLEANDI 5/3/2010 6:39AM

    The most important thing is that you are now able to recognize and correct these things. That is awesome! You're going to be fine

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DDOORN 5/2/2010 11:27PM

    Only YOU know the *rest of the story* behind those numbers...!

Good for YOU to recognize those 5 alarm bells that were going off for yourself! THAT in and of itself is MAJOR progress beyond the mindless eating of yore! :-)


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JAMIEHORN20 5/2/2010 7:59PM

    Great blog. I'm sure it wasn't easy to write. Seems unfair how brutally honest we have to be sometimes when it comes to food. But then I guess we have to remind ourselves why we're here in the first place!

I am inspired by this. I really need to be more honest with myself about my food intake. The secrecy thing is HUGE for me. And I eat when I'm bored. So with Todd taking a job that has me home alone most of the weekend, I've noticed old habits creeping in. Time to kick myself in the butt. Thanks for the reminder!

On a somewhat related note, I bought a book at the book fair this weekend called "Passing for Thin" by Frances Kuffel. It's a memoir of a woman who lost 170 pounds and is dealing with SO much of the same stuff you and I have talked about. I haven't finished it yet, but I feel I can recommend it anyway! I have found myself agreeing out loud with things she says in the book. If you want to borrow it when I'm done, you're welcome to!

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A Few Of My Favorite Things (about Spring), etc

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Happy Spring All,

Spring is going splendidly for me. I am part of the Spring into Summer challenge with the St. Louis team, but slacking considerably because the weather here has been so amazingly beautiful. While I'm slacking in my online commitments, I am not slacking in activity. I don't remember feeling this way last spring, but I am abounding with energy. I mean, I always (like most folks) get a tremendous amount of energy once the winter recedes. But this Spring (as I was telling my SP friend Jamie at a meet up this weekend), I feel practically manic. I jog, then I play tennis, then I bike to and from work. My fitness tracker constantly says that I am over on my goals--by Wednesday! It's very gratifying. And also gratifying is that my weight is moving more than it has in a while. I am 0.6 pounds away from being overweight. I try not to think about it too much yet, because it is really overwhelming to imagine. Being a medical person and very aware of the BMI (I calculate it for my patients), I have tracked mine over the years (somehow expecting a different result even though my weight wasn't different). To think that I will not be in the obese category is.....

In other news, 5K training is going splendidly. Sometimes I train with my puppy and my spouse, other times alone. Both are good. 2 miles for the first time tomorrow, which is hella intimidating. But exciting!

My food is going well as well. All and all, it's a great spring.

But I'm cheating, because this blog is also going to count for my blog entry for the challenge, the topic of which is "favorite things about spring".
Well, aside from all of my favorite things about THIS spring I already mentioned...
camping. we've gone hiking but have yet to camp this season (it's rainy every weekend we have free to go--including, it looks like, this one).
gardening---all of my perennials are finally coming into their own, making this spring more hands off than previously. our fruit trees are good, my flowers are good, the strawberries, raspberries, asparagus, etc are thriving. more coming soon!
my puppy (although she's my favorite thing (aside from my spouse) all year round, but she's particularly cute this spring!)
that I can bike to work
that everyone is just a little nicer and calmer now that the winter is over.

I think I still like fall better, but i LOVE spring!!
I hope everyone else is having a good one.

The photo above is the Missouri Botanical Gardens. It's about the best place on earth.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROYALETBONE 4/21/2010 7:41PM

    Isn't Spark a great place? I love having this space to obsess about not being 'morbidly obese', or 'not obese', and into 'overweight' category.... so nice to have a place to share our excitements... Hooray for you!
Sounds like a wonderful spring.

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JAMIEHORN20 4/21/2010 10:06AM

    Beautiful picture! And I'm so impressed with your manic activity!

I hope your 2 mile run went well and I can't wait to hear when you make the transition to being overweight. That was a huge milestone for me!! Own it and flaunt it!! :)

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TOWANDA132 4/21/2010 9:08AM

    Hi darlin', so glad you are doing amazing things with your body. And I'm so happy you are almost overweight! P and I are going to Mo Botanic Gardens with a friend Saturday and I'm totally looking forward to it!!

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DDOORN 4/20/2010 8:49PM

    Beautiful pic posted by a fellow member who is in *beautiful* place in your life right now!

Congrats on reaping the rewards of your SPARKIN' efforts! :-)


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MRSFARRA 4/20/2010 8:44PM

    Wow glad things are going great. Keep up the good work it will pay off.

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