Wednesday, May 19, 2010
However, I am really, really hoping itís true today. Because yesterday I weighed 191.6. What a load of crap.
This Saturday was SUPPOSED to be my reward day for getting to 185 (or overweight BMI status). I planned it for this Sat. 2 weeks ago because I was SURE Iíd be there by then.
But the scale is moving in the wrong direction. And the scale is moving in the wrong direction AFTER several great food weeks and 2 months of kicking my exercise into high gear. Iíve been running, doing strength training 2x a week, and being extra active besides. Through the winter I worked out 4 or 5 times a week, but now itís 3 days of running (injury aside this week), 2 days of kick boxing, 2 days of ST, and lots of other things like biking to work, digging in the garden, tennis, etc. Whatís up with weight gain? AND it comes right after my difficult trip to Nebraska and eating broccoli out of the trunk (see previous blog if you are confused by that comment).
But Iím staying calm, or at least trying. Yesterday I was in tears. I had a bad 5 minutes where I was sobbing and just kept repeating, ďbut Iím trying so hardĒ. It was pretty pathetic. I am not usually so pathetic, but I still feel a little wrung out after the funeral and my trip.
So after calmer reflection this morning, I present my thoughts (in no particular order):
1. maybe Iím getting buff and thatís why I gained. But I donít want to gain, so hmmm. This is a little embarrassing, since I am a medical professional AND Iíve been on SP for over 2 years, but I really thought that whole, Ďmuscle weighs more than fatí thing was a crock
2. I need to stop focusing so much on the scale. So Iíve decided to stop planning my 100% trip and stop thinking Iíll definitively be to my goal weight by age 40 (next March). I WILL be at my goal weight, just probably not by March.
3. This is LIFE, not a diet. I need to celebrate the process successes, not just the weight related goals. So I am going to come up with new rewards, like for 2 weeks on target with calorie goals, one month of steady strength training, etc.
4. Iím not in maintenance mode, but Iíve been here for over 2 years almost every day, so I need a new mode. One that doesnít imply short term or even suggest a finish line, but more of a process. Letís call the new mode Ďcruising altitudeí so I can get the finish line out of my system.
5. I weight myself once a week, but I am finding that it is really affecting my moods (manic joy when itís good news, sadness when itís not). So what if I got a scale and just weighed myself every day to take the ceremony out of the whole thing and make it less dramatic? Would it have the reverse effect?
I realized, too, today, that I lost 60 pounds my first year on SP and have lost 20 or so in my 2nd year. Thatís kind of depressing too. BUTÖ
as my partner pointed out, I feel better every day for the choices I am making. Itís not a race, and I am not suffering (well, not too much, I do miss nachos). It is a great thing to know that I am doing almost everything I can to be healthy every day. And the good food and exercise gives me SO much more energy and calm. So I wouldnít change it even if I stay at 191 the rest of my life.
(but I want to get to my goal and I wish it would go faster).
How to remedy all of these things?
Does the cessation of thinking about my goal weight work against me?
Should I weigh myself every day?
Monday, May 17, 2010
I am back from Grandpa's funeral. It was an OK trip. Sad, but good to be with family. I'm glad I got to spend so much time with my Grandma (they were married 68+ years!).
I am tired and kind of emotionally spent. But things went well. I went to a supermarket right after getting to Omaha and bought all kinds of veggies and fruit and options for healthy eating AND that's all I ate! It was awkward at times. I felt actually a little obsessive eating out of the trunk of the rental car. It felt unhealthy, kind of (secretive a bit). But then I remembered I was eating broccoli and pretzels and carrots, etc to avoid the ham and whipped potatoes, etc that were inside and I felt better.
And I worked out on the hotel stationary bike both mornings I was there. My running injury (gluteus medius syndrome, for those who care) is not bothered by the bike.
On the first morning there, my immidiate family was looking for me, and my dad apparently said, "well if there's a workout room, she's probably in it". To which everyone replied, "oh right, of course". They are used to me being active now. Who would have thought???
I didn't track while gone, but started again today. I weigh in tomorrow, but feel kind of down about that whole thing. I've been trying to weigh 185.9 or less for a month now. And with my injury I have to take at least a week or 2 off of running, which is frustrating. I can't even do fast walking because it hurts. But I'm not freaking out (really, I'm not). I'll bike when I can, try to reduce the calories and not begin to think it's the beginning of the end (as I am wont to do).
So there's where I am.
I missed being on SP so much.
It's good to be home (both in St. Louis and on SP!).
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
A quick entry as I prepare to leave for my beloved home state of Nebraska. Unfortunately, I am returning for the funeral of my grandpa, which is a bummer. More of a bummer is that his funeral won out over the other funeral going on tomorrow--in Chicago of one of my favorite aunts. They died one day apart, both kind of unexpected. And I'm sad. But mostly I'm trying to prepare for a trip in which I will have little control over many factors.
Food wise, I am scrambling trying to figure out how to be a healthy, vegetarian type person in Holdrege, Nebraska. There is a lot of meat and chips abounding. My plan mostly consists of veggie burgers on bread, some peanut butter (yes I'll be careful, that's a problem food for me), tortillas, refried beans, broccoli, and carrots. I will try to avoid all of the other stuff. We'll see how I do.
I hoped that exercise would be a help, but I pulled a muscle on my run today. It's an area of my leg that's been hurting a bit, but I was able to run through it easily enough and try to stretch it after. But today the pain became sharp and I couldn't even walk fast.
Oh, and I won't have access to a computer for the next 3 days.
The good news:
1. I didn't berate myself for getting injured today, which is how I usually handle it. You know, the, 'you're not really injured just lazy and I hope you liked weighing 275 because here it comes again!' voice. But this time I thought, 'I can't run for a bit. I trust that this pain will hurt me if I try to run more. So I can be miserable for that time, or try to be creative. But either way I can't run, so you pick.' seemed good.
2. I made a food plan and didn't just leave it to chance. It was stressful, and it's not perfect, but it's done.
3. the hotel has a pool and a work out room with a stationary bike, so I will be able to work out better there, actually, that I would here.
4. I get to see folks I haven't seen since a long time ago. (that's both good and bad with the amount of comments I can anticipate. I weighed another person almost last time they saw me).
So there's my story, briefly.
My food has been a lot better, so I feel ready to do this, painful though it may be.
I'll write soon.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
I feel so much better after writing my last blog--both getting it out there and getting support.
I am feeling much better, more free. Calmer, I guess. A little recognition goes a long way.
And I can't wait to read the book Jamie recommended called Passing for Thin. I am way excited.
5K training is going well. I am beginning week 5 tomorrow. I decided to do a different race for my first 5K. People have expressed interest in coming to see me (which is SO freaking cool), so I want it to be a little smaller and crowd friendly (the race I was going to do is one of the biggest in St. Louis and downtown). Instead, I think a park and a smaller race. Then Jenny decided we should have a celebratory bbq after at our house.
I'm contemplating which race to do. I'll let you all know.
Cheers to freedom.
Sunday, May 02, 2010
I don't think anyone probably looks at my public food/exercise trackers. And even if you do look at them, you probably don't look too closely.
But I still have to track. After 2 years I still want to. Because after a few days of not tracking, my estimation for 1/2 cup starts looking suspiciously like 3/4 of a cup again (or a full cup, let's be honest). My 4 oz guesstimate, if actually weighed, would be more like 6 oz. My brain reverts to it's former self. And you can't blame it, it spent 37 years trying to fool me into believing that what I was calling a serving was actually one serving (and not 3).
So if you had been following my logs recently, you'd probably say that things were looking pretty good. So I've been toward the top of my range most days and not toward the middle, but my exercise logs make me look downright overzealous, so it is OK.
OK if you really scrutinized it, you might say, "hey your alcohol calories have gone up a little bit, and you're eating cheese almost every day, that's...interesting. But you are still solidly in your range so no harm, right?"
Well. I am here to tell you there is harm. It's taken me about 2 weeks to realize it, and it took a few humbling moments to realize that I'm not doing well, despite the numbers. Now that I am awake again, I realize that some anxiety/malaise has been creeping in on my the past few weeks. The binge eating part of me started to resurface bit by bit, but I managed to not pay attention, until the past 2 days. I have noticed myself really, really anxious, thinking, ruminating about what I was eating, feeling oppressed about what I was not getting to eat, etc. My partner and I ate out the other night, and I finished my food before she did, and I couldn't concentrate at all on our conversation because I was so focused on the food on her place and wishing she would hurry and finish it before I grabbed her plate and put all of the rest in my mouth in one swift move. That was when the subconscious began getting my attention.
Then yesterday I couldn't keep food out of my mouth. I didn't binge. I didn't go over on my calories. But I know how I ate every one of the calories I did consume--and it was with a desperate, crazed, secretive sense about me. It made me feel so gross and bad about myself. Then I drank a few extra drinks (which did make me go over my calorie range). I am not an alcoholic, but I notice since beginning SP that if I notice myself drinking a bit too much, it's because my food is not going well, EVEN if I am in range on paper.
This has been a hard lesson to learn. Eating too fast, eating until I'm too full. Eating with a sense of anxiety or panic---all of these things remind me of where I have been. After 2 years and some slow but sure success, it reminds me that I am still very much me, the beast still within, just quieter now.
So today I resolved to lay off more than 8 oz of wine a day, and plan my meals ahead of time and draw a hard line on nibbles, tastes, etc. And I'm taking a break from cheese for now (I've had to do this with peanut butter before too when it and I get a little too close for a few days).
And I feel free again. I feel...not in control, but free.
It's going to be OK.
I trust it to be.
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