Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I haven't done a challenge since Jan 2009 (the boot camp challenge with Coach Nicole). But now is the time, and I am joining my fellow St. Louis Sparkers in a Spring into Summer Challenge. In week one (now), one challenge is, and I quote, "Tells us about your goals for the Spring Into Summer challenge. Why are the important at this time? How are you going to accomplish them?"
So, the goals:
1. training for / participating in my first 5K
2. strength training twice a week every week.
Those are my goals, now until the 2nd week of June.
Why are they important at this time? Well, I'll start by talking about the goal I am not making. Any weight related goal. I am really into this life change/no diet thing. For the past 2 years (my 2 year anniversary is tomorrow, thank you), I have not felt particularly deprived. I still drink my red wine. I still take cream and sugar in my coffee. These are things I did not want to give up, and every day, they fit into my tracking. I did have to give up lots of other things (regularly scheduled nachos was a big one), but every day I make decisions and things are moving. However, things are not moving quickly. I have averaged a pound a week for the past 2 years, but that was with a faster pace at the beginning. Anyway, weight related goals get me down, so I wanted to avoid them.
However, after 2 years I was ready to try something new. I have liked jogging a bit from time to time, but thought I probably couldn't do a 'real run' until I was closer to my goal weight. But I thought, maybe I could... Meeting St. Louis sparkers who began doing 'real runs' at weights higher than my current weight sealed the deal. I'm looking for something to stimulate both my workout routine, my metabolism, and my energy and spirit. Training for a 5K seemed perfect. The official start is next week. I'll let you know.
The 2nd goal is one I've made (and not succeeded at) many times. But I'm ready this time. I can do it. Everything I read convinces me that weight training is IT. But I get bored, you know? It doesn't seem worth it to me, even though I know in my head that it is.
So, for this challenge, I challenge myself to do it.
So, how to accomplish these 2 goals? Well, the couch to 5K program (although I have to say couch does not describe the past 2 years) has a good 8 week program that I am changing to 10 weeks. My training days will be Wed, Fri, and Sun. I'll do other stuff (tennis or Turbo Jam or the like) 2 other days. Seems good. I'm excited. So is my puppy! My partner is committed to doing the first 3 weeks of training with me (yeah, she is just that sweet), but hasn't promised anything after that.
The strength training? Wed and Sat. In fact, I'm going to do it before bed tonight still (I will, I will, I will). I'm going to do upper arms and shoulders every other time (due to an old Turbo Jam shoulder incident) and then split up core and lower extremities the other times.
There you go.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Back up to 191, but I am not discouraged!
(well, almost not).
This is the way it ALWAYS is with my body, so I was expecting to flip back up to the 190s. In the next few weeks I'll flip back down. Things will all even out, and my trend is always downward, so no worries, right?
Especially with training for the 5K coming up beginning next week.
Did I mention I'm signed up to run a 5K--I announced it to my St. Louis group, so it's the real deal.
just like me!
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
There is a great episode of Star Trek Voyager where a nasty, scary species from another planet is preparing to attack earth. To do so, they have a ‘training camp’ where they are genetically altered to look, sound, and act like humans. Even humans couldn’t tell the difference. Except when one of the species reverted—when their genetic ‘medicine’ wore off and they ‘regressed’ to their nasty, scary form. Regression was not pretty, as the species went suddenly from human form to the forms in the above photos.
But why waste your time telling you about this episode? Because I have been slowly realizing that I feel like the genetically altered alien species masquerading in human form. A fellow SPer and I were talking at a St. Louis SP even last Saturday. She said she felt like a ‘fraud’ (she has lost over 100 pounds). She said when she goes into a store to buy clothes, she feels like they are going to know she doesn’t belong there. It was a nice moment for me to realize someone else gets how I feel. I, too, feel like a fraud. I wait for someone to point at me in the grocery store and yell, “we know what you really are!” I wait for alarms to go off in clothing stores to indicate to all that an impostor is in their midst. The alarm will be loud and shriek-y and include some deep voice telling me to back away from the size 14s because really, do you really think you fit a size 14? Really? Get out impostor!
But not only do I feel like an impostor, I feel as if any second I will revert. Though I am an intelligent person, I think I truly believe that suddenly I am going to weigh 270 pounds again, and there’s not a lot I can do about it besides enjoy the time I have here below 200 pounds until I revert—back to where I truly belong.
Now I’ve been on SP long enough to realize my biggest struggle is my mind and heart (and the negative voices within), not food. So I recognize this realization for what it is—a gift. Seeing the ugly beast of negativity is the first step in squashing it. So I am glad to realize, with the help of Star Trek, that I feel like a pretend-getting-to-healthy person. But there was another interesting aspect to being with my fellow St. Louis sparkers that followed—THEY don’t seem like frauds to me. THEY seem like they actually have it all together and have this figured out. A few of the women in particular struck me as, well, NOT me. They seemed confident in their amazing weight loss. They seemed as if they were born to be healthy, and the fraud part was actually the being overweight part, and now they are in the skin they were born to be in. And in that way I felt different than them.
Except I’m not! And 2 years in SP (almost) helps me to be able to quickly reorganize my thinking. I fit in my own skin and reality now too. And I love these little glimpses that remind me that my psyche can be my own worst enemy. This is me, this is my life. And my life is now that of a fit person, getting fitter all the time. Not alien, not scary, not fraud. But beautifully authentic! It’s exciting, you know?
Saturday, January 30, 2010
I was sitting with a group of about 15 people the other day. One of them noticed I was shivering and asked if it was cold. I was, I was freezing and underdressed. One of my friends said, "do you want my coat? I'm not wearing it.".
My immediate answer, "no".
Why did I say no? Because this is what has gone through my head a million times in my life every time some sweet but naive person offers to loan a piece of their clothing to me:
"what is wrong with you? how could you possibly embarrass me this way? Obviously I will not fit into any of your clothes. What do you want me to do, put on your coat in front of all these people so that in case they haven't noticed how HUGE I am--just in case they missed that fact--they will be able to really sink their teeth into that knowledge while they watch me struggle to get into your coat. Is that what you want? I am already embarrassed and mortified enough, just under the surface of my awareness, without trying on clothes that don't fit. I am doing EVERYTHING in my power to make everyone in this room notice OTHER things about me (I'm funny, I'm loud, I'm smart), notice anything except my weight, now here we all are thinking about my weight and how it is too much weight to smash into your coat, even though it is XL.
So, no thanks on the coat.
this time, I caught myself saying no, and realized his coat WOULD fit me now. Cause I weigh 195 and not 275.
And better, I realized that I said no out of reflex, but that it didn't come with all the baggage.
It's like having my cake and eating it too, so to speak.
It's great (understatement of the world) that I am small enough to now borrow clothes. It's a freaking joy!
But better than I despise myself less.
And NOT because of the weight loss. It's the other way around. My subconscious self-hatred and loathing had to change before I lost most of my weight.
So picture me in a coat (in fact it was too big).
And picture my heart content.
My life is changed, and I love these electric moments when I realize how much!
Sunday, January 03, 2010
So a sinus infection during the holidays proved to be too much to meet my goals, both because I was too sick to work out, and because I was sick for so long I stopped caring about my daily health very much.
Somehow, inexplicably, I still lost weight. So my goal to get out of the 190s is on its way (194.6 last week).
Given this past week, however, I don't expect good things from the scale next week. We'll see.
There are good things, though.
1. I decided I could not commit to the SP bootcamp right now, but I am revamping my goals and have had a successful week meeting my fitness goals, including strength training, so I am very excited.
2. Only you all could understand this, but things could have been worse. I ate too much, I drank too much, but I didn't eat or drink as much as I wanted to, certainly. I still felt not out of control, and after a week of going over my calorie goals much of the time, I am not getting too negative because I know how much I wanted to eat was way more than I ate. So I am giving myself positive vibes for that.
3. I feel really motivated to be out of the 190s by March 1st.
The bad thing is nothing more than eating over my calories. The negativity demons are not too present, and I've been working out. So while it's dismaying to see my calories over the past weeks, it's a new year, and motivation is cheap the first week of January!
So here are my Jan/Feb goals, already begun (and revised):
1. 1st and 2nd weeks of Jan--4 cardio sessions / week of at least 30 minutes
2. 3rd week of January and onward--5 cardio sessions / week
3. 2 strength training sessions per week beginning this week (done for this week)
4. calorie tracking and intention to get more fully back in the game.
It feels good and do-able.
Getting sick really threw me for a loop, but I'm back in the saddle again.
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