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Poor Math Skills and difficulty with a full belly

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I have been so happy with my progress since I started here at SP last march (08). My big goal is 150 by 40, which has a nice ring to it, don't you think?
It seemed as if I might not quite get exactly there by age 40 on the nose, but I would be so close (and weigh less than ever in my life since middle school) so I wasn't going to quibble.

Then I realized that I had put my end goal date for 2010, which is actually when I turn 39, not 40! Would you believe part of me was sad b/c it's so less catchy to say 150 by 39! But then I realized I am way ahead of where I thought I was. I will really reach my goal b/f I turn 40, probably be several months!
That is very, very exciting!!

So much for my math skills, but who cares!

I think I won't change my goal, b/c the calorie ranges are working for me. I don't feel like I'm totally restricted, and I only go over once in a while. It feels manageable, in other words.

The other thing I've been really thinking about is how hard it is for me to be full. Before SP, I was never hungry. Ever. It was a new sensation for me to be hungry once I started reducing my portions and intake. Most days, in fact, I was full most of the time.

Now I am rarely full (in the full belly a little stuffed kind of way). On the times when I am full, though, even when I am totally within my range, I just feel horrid emotionally. One of my biggest challenges has been recognizing and facing the inner negative soundtrack I never really heard (but that was always playing in my head). I've gotten good at bringing it in the light. WHen I am full, though, it goes into full power. I feel fat. I feel slothful. I think THIS is the real me, and I'm about to gain all 40 lost pounds back in one sitting. It is really hard to counter. Does anyone else have this issue?

At any rate, I am just 8 .2 pounds away from 50%, which is totally unbelievable for me.

Take that, negativity!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUZY6281 1/28/2009 12:04PM

    Congratulations on your success so far! You are doing such a great job. Try not to let those inner voices take control. You are worth the effort.


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ROYALETBONE 1/27/2009 11:17PM

    Wow, you did one of my total favorite methodologies, and like, didn't even mean to! WAY cool
I tend to do better when I exceed my written goals... so my written goals are 250 minutes of exercise a week, and I almost never, ever am less than that, and am often over. I like the gold star by my name, you know? The goals I'm caring about are all behavioral. Track, measure, minutes... that way I can tell with objective standards, and not be all 'what is the scale doing' thing.
Our culture seems to believe in punishment- so many of the signals that are put out are that punishment 'works', from all over the place. It is hard to evade the message- spank, jail, hit, stop crap. That's were the 'how dare I overeat, I'll show me, I'll show me' crap comes. Total nonsense. Punishment leads to evasive, hiding actions- makes the thief want to be a better thief, the child want to do it where Moma won't see, makes us feel like to 'be ourselves' we need to continue the same action...
Oh, well, did I write too long, sorry---- this seems to be a hot topic for me. Major awareness & issue for the TBone girl.

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Let's Go Bootcamp!!

Saturday, January 03, 2009

I have always wanted to join one of the extra team challenges or bootcamps, but none were right for me exactly. But this January Bootcamp with coach nicole seems perfect.
I don't feel like things have gone poorly, or that I am 'off the wagon'. But a re-energizing seems exciting!

My goals for the bootcamp are just what coach nicole has outlined. I will do the daily exercise as she outlines, and I will do the extra challenge at least 5 out of the 7 days every week. (i hope to do the challenges every day, but want to give myself a little wiggle room).

If I succeed, I will get a SP tee! It was one of my holiday goal rewards, but I fell short on that particular goal (if you're curious, I met ALL of my other holiday goals, and have been reaping the rewards I set up for myself).

So let's go team!!!


Holiday Goals (and cookies and wine and baked goods ahhhh!)

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Well I've been trying to come up with some mini goals to shake things up a little bit. I enjoy my daily goals, but it's been 8 months, and the holiday season seemed like a good time.

So, because of the 1,000 events planned in the next month and possibilities for disaster (ie eating my weight in christmas cookies even though I don't even like them that much), I decided to focus on these for mini goals and mini rewards (even though i can't think of any mini rewards, is anyone else reward challenged??)

For each event coming up (parties, gatherings, etc), I will take a long, hard, intentional look at what will be there, and what is reasonable for me to eat (and drink, cause let's be honest, those glasses of red wine up those calories quickly when one such as myself isn't paying attention!)

After taking that long, hard look, I will make a plan. Then I will stick to that plan (yes even if there is unexpected caramel-gooey-goodness I hadn't anticipated). Once I stick to the plan, I get the yet to be decided mini reward. For every gathering. I like the challenge.

A bigger goal for the whole season is a bit more difficult. I live as a live-in volunteer at a homeless shelter for women. It would seem everyone in the city brings us baked goods for the next month, so there are always a LOT of yummies around in excess. But here we need a firm, black and white line (because if it involves decision making, we are in trouble!). So the goal is that not one of these will find it's way to my at times traitor mouth. NOT ONE!

And when I meet that goal, a BIGGER, BETTER reward (again, to be determined at a later date).

I'm pretty excited to meet the goal!
I'll let you all know.

Right now, though, I have to go order the cute shoes I promised myself would be my 25% goal, which I met in July...

Happy Holidays!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUZY6281 12/16/2008 2:56PM

    Awesome way to tackle the holidays!! You are doing great!!


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CITABRIA 12/13/2008 12:52PM

    I like your idea of using rewards that way! I'm also impressed by your setting such clear goals (with rewards) for the season.

I love using rewards, but I'm not as good as I need to be about following through on them. They usually involve some monetary component, and with finances being tight ... well, I'm not so good at saving up for them, either. I'm still in Spark Stage Three because I haven't been able to complete the rewards component -- rewarding myself every day for a week or two.

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I got a new attitude!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

They should somehow figure out a way to track attitude.
Every day I track my eating and my nutrition, but nowhere can I track how my attitude is doing.
I guess that's because it's such an abstract, intangible thing. How would you track it?

Well I'll tell you one way.

I've known generally that my negative, self-destructive thoughts were changing. I figured out that they were the biggest barrier I had to doing the things I needed to do. And I can feel that they are changing in little, subtle ways.

But last weekend I got a big tangible example of just how far my attitude has come.

I told my Mom (who drew my name for gift exchange for christmas) that I wanted a particular shirt (a Nebraska Cornhusker shirt if you must know). She asked what size and I told her XL and then resumed playing a game with my nephew without much thought.

Now that may not sound that impressive. But later I realized how that conversation would have gone when I had just started losing weight on SP 7 or 8 months ago, and realizing this was for real, and that none of my clothes fit any more because they were too small.

Here's how it would have gone:

Mom: What size?

Me: (this is all internal dialogue by the way): you had to go and ask for clothes didn't you. Now you have to mention that you are starting to lose weight when everyone knows that you aren't really going to. And it's one thing to lie to yourself, but now you have to admit in front of your whole family that you are ridiculously trying to lose weight. And even more embarrassing is that you are about to admit that you have hope. HA! why hope. THis is just embarrassing for everyone. And imagine how it's going to feel a few months from now when you are back to weighing 260 and everyone is thinking (but not saying), poor thing actually had hope. you are just generally an embarrassing creature so why don't you just say never mind and ask for an inversion blender instead.

Even 4 months ago, if I hadn't thought ALL of the above, I would have been nervous about how humiliating it would be if I didn't do this (the difference now being the word if instead of when I failed).

Last weekend though, 8 months into SP, and I thought to myself nothing more than "well, 2xl would fit now, but i want the shirt to fit for a while, and 2xl won't fit for much longer, so let's go with an XL and wait a bit to wear it".
That's it. The voices were silent. And it took me days after to realize it.

And I want to track that change somewhere!!

Consider it tracked!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUZY6281 11/25/2008 12:03PM

    Your internal dialog is incredibly familiar! And yes, you are making so much progress! I am so proud of you! It won't be any time and you will be able to wear that shirt. Congratulations!


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ROYALETBONE 11/24/2008 1:37PM

    Asking for what you want, knowing you deserve to have what you want, that it will all work out... this sounds totally great. Congrats!

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ASH72461 11/24/2008 5:57AM

  you are doing great
needing smaller clothes is the best incentive of all
i was happy to go from a extra large to a large in my scrubs.
so we are both of to a good start
we can do it emoticon

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CIVPRO1 11/23/2008 10:32PM

    very nice and thoughtful look into yourself.

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I feel practically waifish!!!

Monday, November 10, 2008

I finally feel as if I left the shadow of my vacation behind me. It was a good vacation. I felt good about what I ate (a nice balance of intention and not feeling deprived). I relaxed my daily standards for eating (not too much, but a bit) and exercised several times. Still, my weight loss stalled for a month ( the 2 weeks of vacation and the 2 weeks after). But I've worked hard in the last week and a half to really be in the zone, and it paid off today!
224.6 pounds..
I can't believe I weigh that.
I feel practically waifish!!!

And I am remembering what it is to be remembering and present to SP each day. Don't get me wrong, I haven't missed tracking (aside from vacation when I didn't have internet) for a day. But for the past few weeks, I feel connected to myself and what I'm doing on SP again. I feel the spark, I guess you could say.

It's been over 7 months now, and I LOVE that it feels like the process that my life is!

Did I mention I weigh 224.6???


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUZY6281 11/14/2008 4:09PM

    Congratulations!!! You are doing so well. Us skinny girls got to hang together.

suzy emoticon

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ROYALETBONE 11/11/2008 12:41AM

    All nice to hear from you, and such a positive note.
Giddyup, sweet waifish woman!

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PUDDINTANE30 11/10/2008 9:43PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

grats! i cant wait tell i have that moment! good for you :) keep it up :)

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