Monday, November 10, 2008
I finally feel as if I left the shadow of my vacation behind me. It was a good vacation. I felt good about what I ate (a nice balance of intention and not feeling deprived). I relaxed my daily standards for eating (not too much, but a bit) and exercised several times. Still, my weight loss stalled for a month ( the 2 weeks of vacation and the 2 weeks after). But I've worked hard in the last week and a half to really be in the zone, and it paid off today!
I can't believe I weigh that.
I feel practically waifish!!!
And I am remembering what it is to be remembering and present to SP each day. Don't get me wrong, I haven't missed tracking (aside from vacation when I didn't have internet) for a day. But for the past few weeks, I feel connected to myself and what I'm doing on SP again. I feel the spark, I guess you could say.
It's been over 7 months now, and I LOVE that it feels like the process that my life is!
Did I mention I weigh 224.6???
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
A year ago, a good friend died suddenly and violently.
2 months ago, my Dad got a terminal diagnosis.
7 months ago, I started on Sparkpeople.
These things (and others) cause a certain amount of reflection on one’s life. The combination of these things in particular present the following question to me: if I knew that I would die soon; one week, one month, one year, even five years, would I still get out of bed at 6am to walk and track my food every evening? Would I still try to stay within those pesky ranges (calorie, carb, etc) that mean so much to me? Or would I, knowing that I’ll never reach my goal, just stop and ‘enjoy’ what time I had left. Or even taking death out of it, if I knew I would never reach my goal weight, would I keep going?
The answer for me is clear. It is a resounding YES!
Because what I have learned here is that the process is AS important, if not more, than the end result of weighing 150 pounds. So the question becomes how I want to live my life, no matter how long it turns out to be.
So, in the time that I have left, be it short or long:
I want to have energy each day and feel motivated.
I want to respect myself for making good choices.
I want to keep at bay that voice that tells me I’m a failure, and not really worth much.
I want to feel strong.
I want to be in touch with my body, it’s rhythms and needs.
I want to feel joyful.
I want to look at myself with pride, not because of how I look, but who I am.
These things have become possible with Sparkpeople, and daily work and awareness.
And so each day I will continue to choose them.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
No, I have not fallen off of the Sparkpeople wagon! It has been a while since I've posted, and for the first time since March of this year, I didn't track my food or exercise for 2 weeks (because of vacation).
So, here's an update.
We went to the Smoky Mountains for 2 fantastic weeks (last week in Sep and the first week in Oct). It was WONDERFUL! I read up on vacation ideas on Sparkspeople before I went, and the most helpful tip was stopping on the trip to exercise in small doses.
So there I was at rest stops in Kentucky, Tennessee, and Indiana. Did you see me? I was the one power walking all around the rest areas. I'm sure I was a site. I wished so much that I had a SP tee shirt. I just felt certain that someone would have said, "I LOVE SP TOO!". But alas, most people just stared.
My food on the vacation was good. I wasn't as careful as I am in my 'normal' life. I didn't count chips, and let myself eat out at a Mexican rest. I really enjoyed the food I was eating, and was still mindful of portions. I also drank a lot more than normal (I mean it was vacation!).
All in all, and the end of my vacation, I felt pretty good about my choices. I didn't feel resentful that I was restricting myself, and I felt good about exercising. Of course (the little voice said) I could have done a lot more, but I thought I did OK.
The scale, however, did not agree (A HA! says the little voice). I have really been trying not to get too worked up about it though. I wanted to maintain (all right, secretly I wanted to be one of those people who writes, 'i can't believe after how i ate on vacation that i actually LOST weight!'. Instead, I am one of those people who writes, I gained 6 bleeping pounds in 2 weeks on vacation and that sucks.
Insert here a long lament about how I have to work so hard for each pound lost, and how it's such a slow process, and how unfair it is that it is so EASY to gain it back. It's like my body is just dying to gain the weight back, given any opportunity. Oh well. End of lament.
My attitude has been good since returning. I've been eating at the lower part of my range, and trying to silence the little voice who has been quieter these past months but who feels emboldened now. I'm also exercising every day again, which helps.
And I'm getting more of a sense that I'm not new at this, and that this is my life, not something I'm starting out at or trying. That's a good feeling.
And for everyone who asked about my dad, thanks for your thoughts and prayers. He is starting chemo and feels crappy. We won't know for 3 or 4 months if it will do any good.
But that's for another day. I do appreciate all of the thoughts, though.
I missed SP while I was away! I'm glad to be back.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
For 1 week I didn't work out b/c I was sick.
At the end of my illness I hurt my back, another week gone.
But for 2 days now, I've been back out (gingerly, but still out) working out. And my eating has been more on my terms, and more in my range.
So it is good.
And right now I need it to be good. I need a good base. i need to be connected to the me I've been cultivating for 5 months, because we just found out my dad has cancer (bone marrow).
It's tough right now because we know it's bad, but we don' t know how bad. we don't know how much time.
We'll find all of this out this week. But for now I'm trying not to freak out or be too much in the emotion of it.
And being here helps. It helps ground me. It helps me feel like something is in control.
So any prayers, meditations, well wishes, positive thoughts to the universe would be appreciated.
Keep on keeping on.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I have all of these things I want to blog about (my 5th month anniversary, new goals, not being ready to enter stage 4--does anyone else panic when they move you to a new stage??).
The only reason I have time to write today is that I am at home sick from work. Yes, I really am sick, but not SO sick that I can't be online, sick enough to be contagious to my patients and have little to no energy and sick enough to have a headache and be sneezing every 5 minutes.
So the probably healthy part of me says this: "it's good and right that you stayed home today. You don't want to risk getting babies and pregnant women and already ill people sick. Plus your energy would have been terrible and you maybe wouldn't have made it through the day anyway. You feel like crap just sitting at home, imagine how you would feel if you were in all that work stress. Relax, take care of yourself. Don't feel guilty for missing one day of exercise. You are sick and you need to take care of yourself."
And the sometimes right but probably not helpful part of me replies:
"But you know that you aren't THAT sick, and that you could have gotten through today if you had tried. And you could walk for exercise, it probably wouldn't make you worse since you're not that sick anyway. And that crap about not getting your patients sick is just an excuse so that you can sit on your lazy butt all day. See? I told you that you were lazy."
I am a person who struggles both the the temptation toward sloth AND the temptation to berate myself at every opportunity. Who do I trust? My partner really encouraged me to call in sick last night based on how I looked and felt, so at least I have a little objectiveness outside of myself.
It's all messed up.
And I know not to trust my thought process all together when I am even a little sick. The evil thoughts take over.
So here is that middle balanced road I am taking:
I maybe could have worked today, and it's good I'm resting. And either way, I'm here now and not there. The decision has been made, so rest, drink tea, and focus on my body getting better so that I can work better later in the week. And have that negative voice go away, because it's not going to help healing at all.
And try to walk tomorrow if I feel at all better.
And later in the week, I can deal with the sudden move to stage 4 and my 5 month anniversary.
Hope everyone else is well (and not feeling crazy).
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