Sunday, August 17, 2008
It had to come sometime.
After 4 1/2 months of feeling like it was mostly going my way, I'm pissed off.
And I blame Sparkpeople (even as I realize how irrational that thinking is).
Why am I pissed off?
I'm not even sure. But so far, my mood about working out has gone between being up for it every morning or not wanting to do it, but getting up anyway and then feeling pretty good about it. Now I wake up and think f*** it, I don't want to (wahhhh).
And when my partner last night asked if I measured my pasta (how great is she, by the way), I said, "I don't care" (again, wahhhh).
I just want to flip the bird to the whole thing. I won't (I hope), but I want to.
Why this sudden bad attitude? I don't know. But here are some thoughts.
---Last week was very, very bad and emotional at work--probably the worse week I've had in this job I LOVE (nurse practitioner).
---This week, I gained 2 pounds.
---Even though I gained 2 pounds I thought, my measurements will be good. They weren't, though.
---My knee is paining me again (which hasn't happened in 2 months).
---I realized that I'm eating at the top of my range more than I thought (my top calories per day should be 1950, but I'm in the 1850 - 2100 range more days than I realized I was.
Or is this some 4 1/2 month breakdown where there is some HUGE issue I've been missing and not dealing with that is now rearing its ugly head and will stifle any more progress?
For today, I just decided to make sure I eat in my range and drink enough water and let that be enough. Oh, and also I decided to try and be aware of any moments or images of hope that pass by my way. I just don't feel very hopeful right now.
I wish I could blame this on PMS, but it's the wrong time. Maybe I'll blame it on that anyway.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I'm trying not to be too morose about this, but I GAINED 2 lbs this week. I don't get it, truly. I did better than previously when I lost 5 lbs. There just doesn't see to be much rhyme or reason to it. I've been doing very well for 4 months (plus), and sometimes it goes up, and sometimes it goes down. I would like some formula, some predictable pattern. But it doesn't seem to exist.
Now if I lose even more next week, the pattern may be that I lose 2 lbs once every 2 weeks, then lost 5 the next 2 weeks.
But I fear I'll be stagnant next week or something.
If I hadn't been so excited about my 25% goal (of wt. lost), this wouldn't be such a blow. But I'm less than 25% now and that's kind of a bummer.
But I'll measure myself tomorrow, and I bet that will be good news.
And the other good news is that this isn't destroying me. Not even close. I'm still looking forward to walking tomorrow morning, and didn't freak out about what I was eating tonight. It's a lifetime. 2 lbs can wait.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
I was very excited this week to weigh 5 pounds less than 2 weeks ago (especially since last week I gained 1/2 pound).
But after I put the weight in that evening, I looked at my little weight tracker on my sparkpage, and saw that she had crossed a little line on my tracker. What is that line, I wondered.
That is when I realized, the line represented the 25% mark. Suddenly my 5 pound weight gain (very exciting in itself) took on a whole new importance.
I can't believe, truly, that I'm 1/4 of the way there. It all seemed so sudden, I was speechless. I'm still kind of speechless.
Once before in my life I've weighed this much, (well, I think probably in middle school on my way up). About 10 years ago I lost some weight which I put right back on.
This is so different. I read my journals from then, and I was suffering so much. I felt like I was being punished for some unknown sin, and my sentence was to eat baked lays for the rest of my life, and be pissed off every morning when I went jogging.
Now? I feel like my life has been altered in a holistic and fulfilling way. A way I love and can sustain. It lets me know that this time, that 25% will stay gone.
And on my way to 50%.
I am still baffled by all of this, but happily so. It certainly wasn't easy, but it also wasn't impossible. It doesn't feel like I can't do it 3 more times, and then some!
At times, those successes cause me to eat more (which I thought was strange until I found the folks here who have had the same experience).
So far so good, though.
So I get my new work shoes. And I get a settling over my soul, telling me that yes, this is for real!
Saturday, July 26, 2008
I haven't blogged in a while, b/c I haven't had much to say.
I still don't, but it's in my goals to blog, so here we go.
My goals are still being met:
--walking almost every day (a 15 minute mile for 30 minutes)
--drinking at least 8 glasses of H20
--tracking food & exercise every day
--eating 5 fruits and veggies almost every day
I feel a little blah for a lot of reasons that don't have anything to do with the goals I have.
For a lot of reasons, I haven't been totally in charge of where and when I eat all of the time and that is stressful!
I am picking the healthiest things at restaurants when we go out (with our out of town house guests) but it's a lot more stressful t be out that in when I know EXACTLY how much of everything is in every recipe.
It's frustrating b/c I gained 1/2 pound the last time I weighed (a week and a half ago) after eating at the top of my range (still IN my range mind you but at the top which is SOO frustrating).
So I decided that for 2 weeks I needed to eat in the bottom of my range to get some momentum back. But that hasn't happened. So I am very afraid of what the scale will look like when I gain enough courage to get on it again.
what is different this time is that I really see it as a process. I LOVED the blog someone wrote about even though I'm not this, I AM this... Here is my attempt:
For 2 weeks, even a month I am eating at the top of the range and not seeing the scale move. That is frustrating.
for 4 months I've been eating less than 2,000 calories almost every single day. Compare that to a life where I've certainly eaten 3,000+ most days (when I wasn't starving myself).
I have eaten tortilla chips for the last 3 days
I paid attention and ate around 1 oz each time. Compare that to eating the whole basket within the first 5 minutes of sitting down in any Mexican restaurant and then being annoyed at how long it took for the server to bring another basket!
I got sour cream and guac on my veggie burrito.
I only ate 1/2 of the burrito, not the whole thing.
This exercise is actually very helpful! It is helping me realize that I am meeting the goals listed at the beginning of this blog through some very hard weeks (for other reasons than our house guests). That makes me feel proud.
And 4 months of this! It does feel differently this time. I think it took a good 3 months to begin to believe it would be different this time. But I am approaching it differently and it is working! EVEN IF I gain another pound in 2 weeks, I am healthier now than I have ever been in my adult life in a very holistic way.
And that's pretty cool.
Here's to the next 4 months!
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
I'm having 2 separate experiences in front of the mirror.
The first is a feeling of shocked exhilaration when I notice something new. For example, this weekend I realized my former triple chin is now a double chin. It is shocking and amazing and wonderful!
Then, hours later, I see myself in the mirror and see that I am still a person who is obese, and it's strangely reassuring. Isn't that strange? My reaction is, OK, good, it's still me. I'm still here. I haven't changed so much that I'm different.
I know that people always say that there is a reason we have decided to continue to be big. Some protection. Some comfort. I've always thought that was a bunch of crap. I didn't feed protected or comfortable!
But that reaction of, "whew, I'm still the same" is very interesting to me.
It's not even that I'm moving that fast. Others are moving way faster. I'm really working to get my 1 pound a week. But that's fine. I want it gone FOREVER so taking a while is fine with me. I guess what's different and panic inducing (for some strange reason) is that I know this time is it. I see it in all of the success stories and SP pages I read. I see it in myself and the weight I've lost and my attitude.
I realized the other day that I've lost that 10% of my total weight that people talk about.
Soon after, I realized my knee pain when walking up stairs is not as acute as it used to be.
That's pretty cool.
Hell, that's a lot better than pretty cool. It's INCREDIBLE!!
This is it, folks. And that is terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.
You know what i mean?
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