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My first Sparkpeople temper tantrum...

Sunday, August 17, 2008

It had to come sometime.

After 4 1/2 months of feeling like it was mostly going my way, I'm pissed off.
And I blame Sparkpeople (even as I realize how irrational that thinking is).

Why am I pissed off?
I'm not even sure. But so far, my mood about working out has gone between being up for it every morning or not wanting to do it, but getting up anyway and then feeling pretty good about it. Now I wake up and think f*** it, I don't want to (wahhhh).

And when my partner last night asked if I measured my pasta (how great is she, by the way), I said, "I don't care" (again, wahhhh).

I just want to flip the bird to the whole thing. I won't (I hope), but I want to.

Why this sudden bad attitude? I don't know. But here are some thoughts.

---Last week was very, very bad and emotional at work--probably the worse week I've had in this job I LOVE (nurse practitioner).

---This week, I gained 2 pounds.

---Even though I gained 2 pounds I thought, my measurements will be good. They weren't, though.

---My knee is paining me again (which hasn't happened in 2 months).

---I realized that I'm eating at the top of my range more than I thought (my top calories per day should be 1950, but I'm in the 1850 - 2100 range more days than I realized I was.

Or is this some 4 1/2 month breakdown where there is some HUGE issue I've been missing and not dealing with that is now rearing its ugly head and will stifle any more progress?

For today, I just decided to make sure I eat in my range and drink enough water and let that be enough. Oh, and also I decided to try and be aware of any moments or images of hope that pass by my way. I just don't feel very hopeful right now.

I wish I could blame this on PMS, but it's the wrong time. Maybe I'll blame it on that anyway.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUZY6281 8/18/2008 10:41PM

    You are having a down week. Believe me, I know how that feels. Try to stay on track and not let a bad week bring you down. You are not on a time schedule. You are just working to be a healthier you. That comes with time.

In the meantime, blame it on Sparkpeople if it helps. I'll take the blame if you want. It can be all my fault. Heck, I've been in worse trouble than this.

suzy emoticon

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NEWKATHY4LIFE 8/18/2008 10:18AM

    It's ok to lose it every once in a while, you'll be ok, I know you can hang in there, and come out ahead in the end. You can do this, have your fit, and then get right back in there, if you need a couple of days, then give yourself a few days, but know your coming back, always keep it in your mind, but don't let it badger you. Get your space, then when your ready, get back on and go some more, you want this, and that want is more powerful than your need for a "cry if I want to, party". So, have your party, then move on to what you really want, good-luck hun!!


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CITABRIA 8/17/2008 11:39PM

    I also meant to say that pain can have a *huge* effect on perspective and motivation. I've had weeks where I've lost 2 pounds or so, but have lost my motivation entirely because my feet were really hurting (plantar fasciitis plus fallen arches plus hating to wear shoes).

Take care of your knee. I can almost guarantee that when it starts feeling better your perspective will improve.

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CITABRIA 8/17/2008 11:29PM


You deserve to be pissed! Be incredibly pissed, and storm around, and burn off calories while doing the storming! ;)

You met a significant goal, and you'll meet it again -- whether it's next week, or in two weeks, or a month. I can blame a lot of pounds on upsetting weeks, just during this past year. I think it makes a bigger difference than a lot of us realize at the time. I suspect that it's been contributing to eating at the top of your range -- it certainly contributes to that for me.

Keep drinking water and holding on to hope -- it's there, it really is! And far more than just hope is there -- you've made huge changes. Just make yourself stomp and pout through this, and the scale will start moving in the right direction again. I know it!

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KELLY@50 8/17/2008 12:15PM

    Oh dear! Mamma said there'd be days like this!!

Take a deep breath! But you know what? Have your tantrum! Luxuriate in it! Wallow in it! You've earned it!

Then trust that after your mother-of-all-tantrums, you'll hop back on the wagon on move on!

You've come so far, hang in there, it will get better. And remember, we're here if you need an ear to shout in.

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ROYALETBONE 8/17/2008 11:53AM

    Wish I could reach out and give you a hug. emoticon
Virtual hugs are good, too!
Give yourself some time to breathe. You don't have to eat the whale in one setting, you are giving yourself 3 years to get healthy. Side routes happen.
I think it can be very hard to remember, sometimes, who initiated the whole thing. Like, GET OFF MY BACK! BACK OFF! To the world sometimes. You want this to be healthy, happy, and to be able to move. Not for outside reasons, including Spark.
Hmm, talking to myself again, huh? Yeah, I def go through this cycle. You are doing great!
Breathe. Stay aware. Love yourself as you are right now!

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Thursday, August 14, 2008

I'm trying not to be too morose about this, but I GAINED 2 lbs this week. I don't get it, truly. I did better than previously when I lost 5 lbs. There just doesn't see to be much rhyme or reason to it. I've been doing very well for 4 months (plus), and sometimes it goes up, and sometimes it goes down. I would like some formula, some predictable pattern. But it doesn't seem to exist.

Now if I lose even more next week, the pattern may be that I lose 2 lbs once every 2 weeks, then lost 5 the next 2 weeks.
But I fear I'll be stagnant next week or something.

If I hadn't been so excited about my 25% goal (of wt. lost), this wouldn't be such a blow. But I'm less than 25% now and that's kind of a bummer.

But I'll measure myself tomorrow, and I bet that will be good news.

And the other good news is that this isn't destroying me. Not even close. I'm still looking forward to walking tomorrow morning, and didn't freak out about what I was eating tonight. It's a lifetime. 2 lbs can wait.

Good night.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROYALETBONE 8/15/2008 3:23PM

    Wow, wonderful, you are taking it like a champ.
Keep on truckin!

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SUZY6281 8/15/2008 10:41AM

    I am not allowing you to revoke your 25%! You made it. Your body is just being stubborn. Believe me, this is coming from someone who's body can give lessons on stubborn. I bet it is water and you will see it come back off with more weight next week. If you are doing every as usual, there is no reason for it not to.

Congratulations on your weight loss so far.

suzy emoticon

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KELLY@50 8/15/2008 3:02AM

    Our bodies can have minds of their own sometimes.

My advice is try not to focus on the scale as a measure of success - or at least the only measure of success. Try to focus instead on how your clothers are fitting, or how much more fit you feel.

You might even want to (*gasp*) put the scale away for a little while.

Hang in there!

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NEWKATHY4LIFE 8/14/2008 11:40PM

    Your doing so well, don't let it get you, as women, we can never know what our bodies are doing from one week to the next, and sometimes I think the scales are just a fluke... keep up that positive attitude, and SMILE big, your doing great!!


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STLKINGHORNS 8/14/2008 11:09PM

    Good for you for not letting this bring you down! I could list a million different reasons that you might have gone up, but what it comes down to is that we are woman, and women have unpredictable bodies. It sucks, but what ya gonna do. The important part is the over all result and that you are healthy. You'll get back to your 25% soon enough and before you know it you'll be at 100% and look back at this blog and wonder what the big deal was about.

You are wonderful! You are beautiful! You are worth it!

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25% done!! This is for real!

Saturday, August 02, 2008

I was very excited this week to weigh 5 pounds less than 2 weeks ago (especially since last week I gained 1/2 pound).

But after I put the weight in that evening, I looked at my little weight tracker on my sparkpage, and saw that she had crossed a little line on my tracker. What is that line, I wondered.

That is when I realized, the line represented the 25% mark. Suddenly my 5 pound weight gain (very exciting in itself) took on a whole new importance.

I can't believe, truly, that I'm 1/4 of the way there. It all seemed so sudden, I was speechless. I'm still kind of speechless.

Once before in my life I've weighed this much, (well, I think probably in middle school on my way up). About 10 years ago I lost some weight which I put right back on.

This is so different. I read my journals from then, and I was suffering so much. I felt like I was being punished for some unknown sin, and my sentence was to eat baked lays for the rest of my life, and be pissed off every morning when I went jogging.

Now? I feel like my life has been altered in a holistic and fulfilling way. A way I love and can sustain. It lets me know that this time, that 25% will stay gone.

And on my way to 50%.

I am still baffled by all of this, but happily so. It certainly wasn't easy, but it also wasn't impossible. It doesn't feel like I can't do it 3 more times, and then some!

At times, those successes cause me to eat more (which I thought was strange until I found the folks here who have had the same experience).
So far so good, though.

So I get my new work shoes. And I get a settling over my soul, telling me that yes, this is for real!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STLKINGHORNS 8/5/2008 11:25PM


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NEWKATHY4LIFE 8/4/2008 8:02PM

    WooHoo, way to go!!


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SUZY6281 8/4/2008 10:50AM

    Congratulations!! You are doing so well! I'm doing my best to keep up with you, but with your latest numbers, I'm falling behind. Guess I need to get in some more cardio!

Keep up the great work!!

Suzy emoticon

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HUSKY__HANK 8/4/2008 9:34AM


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ROYALETBONE 8/3/2008 12:38AM

    Yeah! emoticon emoticon
I'm doing the happy dance for you.... it's life, it's your life, you can get what you want and need.

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CITABRIA 8/2/2008 10:06PM

    Congratulations, this is a tremendous accomplishment!

You blog is exactly what I needed to read tonight.

At my last WI I was down 16 pounds -- over halfway to my 10% goal (10% of body weight, for me 25 lbs). Even though I usually feel like I've made lasting changes over the past 2 months-plus, right now I'm feeling like it's all a sham and the changes aren't going to stick. I'm back after a week away (a week with a lot of activity which was good ... but has left me feeling pretty wrung out) and am having trouble getting back into my usual routine. I'm doing okay with eating, but haven't excercised since getting back late on Thursday. I know ... sort of ... that it's temporary, but still -- it's frightening. I don't want to back to my old habits but I'm worried that this will turn out to have been a phase after all.

Reading your blog, seeing that you had that fear too, is helping me feel like this is normal. And seeing that you're at 25% is helping me feel that these changes are real -- and can stick!

Thank you, and congrats again!

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    emoticon Awesome! I am so happy for you!

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4 month anniversary ramblings

Saturday, July 26, 2008

I haven't blogged in a while, b/c I haven't had much to say.
I still don't, but it's in my goals to blog, so here we go.

My goals are still being met:
--walking almost every day (a 15 minute mile for 30 minutes)
--drinking at least 8 glasses of H20
--tracking food & exercise every day
--eating 5 fruits and veggies almost every day

I feel a little blah for a lot of reasons that don't have anything to do with the goals I have.
For a lot of reasons, I haven't been totally in charge of where and when I eat all of the time and that is stressful!

I am picking the healthiest things at restaurants when we go out (with our out of town house guests) but it's a lot more stressful t be out that in when I know EXACTLY how much of everything is in every recipe.

It's frustrating b/c I gained 1/2 pound the last time I weighed (a week and a half ago) after eating at the top of my range (still IN my range mind you but at the top which is SOO frustrating).
So I decided that for 2 weeks I needed to eat in the bottom of my range to get some momentum back. But that hasn't happened. So I am very afraid of what the scale will look like when I gain enough courage to get on it again.

what is different this time is that I really see it as a process. I LOVED the blog someone wrote about even though I'm not this, I AM this... Here is my attempt:

For 2 weeks, even a month I am eating at the top of the range and not seeing the scale move. That is frustrating.
for 4 months I've been eating less than 2,000 calories almost every single day. Compare that to a life where I've certainly eaten 3,000+ most days (when I wasn't starving myself).

I have eaten tortilla chips for the last 3 days
I paid attention and ate around 1 oz each time. Compare that to eating the whole basket within the first 5 minutes of sitting down in any Mexican restaurant and then being annoyed at how long it took for the server to bring another basket!

I got sour cream and guac on my veggie burrito.
I only ate 1/2 of the burrito, not the whole thing.

This exercise is actually very helpful! It is helping me realize that I am meeting the goals listed at the beginning of this blog through some very hard weeks (for other reasons than our house guests). That makes me feel proud.

And 4 months of this! It does feel differently this time. I think it took a good 3 months to begin to believe it would be different this time. But I am approaching it differently and it is working! EVEN IF I gain another pound in 2 weeks, I am healthier now than I have ever been in my adult life in a very holistic way.
And that's pretty cool.

Here's to the next 4 months!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AUNTC321 7/26/2008 10:06PM

    Consistency is what is going to make us successful. Congratulations on staying consistent for this long. If we keep trying we will succeed. Chris

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HEALTHY_CAROLYN 7/26/2008 4:21PM

    I loved that blog too, the one you emulated, and it seems like a really great exercise in looking on the positive side and changing that negative thinking. Thanks for sharing!

Congratulations on still meeting your goals after these first four months and continuing to make those healthy decisions.

emoticon Here's to the next day, the next week, the next month and the next four months!

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ROYALETBONE 7/26/2008 4:13PM

    Yup, that's the thing about a lifestyle change, not a 'flash, bang, whiz' diet. You get to live your life while doing it!
Wow, are you doing it!
Awesome. NIce.

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NEWKATHY4LIFE 7/26/2008 2:53PM

    Oh you are on the right track, don't despair, keep on moving on, and in 4 months, you'll be glad for the good choices you made today, always!!

Don't worry on the tortilla chips, I eat them all the time, in moderation, like you, and the guac, is really good for you, it has those "good" fats our body needs, now I do go light on the sour cream, but again, in moderation, you can have most anything, and that's what your doing, the weight will come off, don't worry!!

Your worth it,
Your beautiful,
Your a new person!!


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Is it still me in that mirror?

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

I'm having 2 separate experiences in front of the mirror.
The first is a feeling of shocked exhilaration when I notice something new. For example, this weekend I realized my former triple chin is now a double chin. It is shocking and amazing and wonderful!

Then, hours later, I see myself in the mirror and see that I am still a person who is obese, and it's strangely reassuring. Isn't that strange? My reaction is, OK, good, it's still me. I'm still here. I haven't changed so much that I'm different.

I know that people always say that there is a reason we have decided to continue to be big. Some protection. Some comfort. I've always thought that was a bunch of crap. I didn't feed protected or comfortable!
But that reaction of, "whew, I'm still the same" is very interesting to me.
It's not even that I'm moving that fast. Others are moving way faster. I'm really working to get my 1 pound a week. But that's fine. I want it gone FOREVER so taking a while is fine with me. I guess what's different and panic inducing (for some strange reason) is that I know this time is it. I see it in all of the success stories and SP pages I read. I see it in myself and the weight I've lost and my attitude.


I realized the other day that I've lost that 10% of my total weight that people talk about.
Soon after, I realized my knee pain when walking up stairs is not as acute as it used to be.

That's pretty cool.

Hell, that's a lot better than pretty cool. It's INCREDIBLE!!

This is it, folks. And that is terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.

You know what i mean?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROYALETBONE 7/8/2008 12:26PM

    This resonates-
I like BassLions' note, too.

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BASSLION 7/8/2008 12:06PM

    This may not be how you feel at all, but I can't imagine myself-but-better. I can only imagine someone else who already has whatever asset I am thinking about. So thinking about being better at something for me - is tied to being someone else.
In this way, I can really relate to your blog. You see the change and are happy about it, but at the same time you still recognize yourself and are happy about that too. :)

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BRIAN36 7/8/2008 11:12AM

    I love the picture. I feel that way so many times. I've been maintaining for a month and I'll wake up and weigh myself and feel great that I'm still on track. Then later in the day, I'll look in the mirror and see the fat and pick myself apart. I'm not sure when or if that feeling will ever go away.

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SUZY6281 7/8/2008 10:57AM

    Congratulations on the weight loss and the loss of one of your chins! You will not miss it, I promise. Keep up the great work and don't let the mirror trip you up. What we see in own reflections is not necessarily what everyone else sees.

take care,

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