Tuesday, February 05, 2013
It's been a while, but lots of things have been happening--positive things even!
Despite this, I have been very unmotivated to blog or track. I'm not sure what's going on, but it's been a while now. I feel motivated until I actually get onto the SP website and then I get suddenly tired. But I'm also continuing to get my feet under me. I went on a retreat in the woods 2 weeks ago, and it was really, really helpful. I do love lists, so let's just update everyone with a list of things I'm thinking, what's good, what's challenging, etc:
**We had a really difficult past 5 years we had offering hospitality to a Mom and her 3 kids. They left a year ago, but I am still holding onto a lot of the pain and resentment, so retreat helped me realize that it is time to start living in the NOW, not the regret of what happened (and didnít happen). Itís time to move on, facing the grief when I need to, but not to wallow in the grief.
**I can exercise! I am super bummed that my PT basically outlawed kickboxing, but I can do the elliptical and run and ST and after such a long, long time, it is very exciting!
**I am on an alcohol fast. If youíve ever read my blogs before, you know that this is something Iíve struggled with. I donít drink to excess (well almost never), but I have been increasingly uncomfortable with the daily-ness of my drinking and with the amount slowly slipping up in the past year with the stress of my Dadís illness. Weíre taking it a week at a time. Today is day 4, and itís going great! It is not, I donít think, something I want to give up. But I do want to give up itís hold on me.
**I am feeling motivated to eat healthy again. This has been starting and stopping for months on end (anyone know that feeling?). I am a bit tired of the starting over, but I just heard someone talk about having an attitude of beginnings every day, not an attitude of Ďhere we go againí or ĎI know how this will end up, Iíve been here beforeí. Kind of like greeting life and people with open curiosity, not bitterness or thoughts that I have pre-knowledge.
**I have gained 18 or so pounds back. Thatís hard to take.
**My negative voice has been having a much easier time with me some days.
**I still feel the pull of what I call the 5%, the ability to chose in all areas of life, not be a passenger or victim in my mentality.
**Truthfully I still feel a little whiny that itís not easier like it used to be. Motivation takes a lot more work these days.
**I just changed from fish oil vitamins to flax seed (to get omega-3 from a more whole food source) and am pissed off to find that flax seeds have a lot more calories. Good thing Iím not drinking!
Thereís a few things. I want to blog more, but I donít want to make any promises. Priority wise, I always want to track my food first, and that alone has been challenging enough.
Hope the end of winter is treating everyone else well. Spring is coming!
Monday, December 10, 2012
Time to act as if, even though I am so not feeling it. But I am not going to get anywhere waiting to feel it, so here we go.
The good news is my time for interior work is increasing. I have struggled with this for a while (finding the time, investing the energy, etc). That is going well. The eating is still what I call octopus eating--because it seems like I have 8 arms for as much as I'm picking at food and putting it in my mouth. And still drinking a bit too much.
I am doing my PT exercises at least once daily, mostly twice a day. They are going variably for me. Physically they aren't too hard, but they do seem to set my negative voices going. And i'm up to 7 minutes on the elliptical (my PT gave me a minute increase every other day).
So here are the goals. Talk about getting back to basics, but that's OK:
drink 64 oz water a day
track every day
pep talk every morning to remind myself I am the driver here, no one else is. I'm not a victim, even though things have not been going my way.
plan out meals for the next 3 days and track ahead of time
PT exercises with elliptical every single day
remind myself every day, as often as I can, that the world is not served by my fear or shame. It is served by me acknowledging and sharing my beauty.
There we go. Keep it simple. And hold my head up and act as if I'm someone who doesn't graze on ginger bread cake with frosting when I DON'T EVEN LIKE GINGER FLAVORED ANYTHING!!. But that's the octopus crazies for you.
To a good week!!
Saturday, December 08, 2012
Not sure what the opposite is, and I'm not at the opposite of sparking my way along. But I would say my Spark motivation is and has been low for a while. I am still trying (with some success) to eat well everyday. The long time of not being able to exercise has taken its toll. I just haven't felt like tracking or being on SP while my motivation is a little lower. It's not terrible-- to quote one of my favorite songs by Girlyman, "I'm not on fire, not burned out, just somewhere different now".
I am hoping that in the next weeks I will be able to report that I am doing the following:
doing my daily lists of challenges and successes
eating in range
doing my PT exercises consistently
feeling a little more spark
I am highly motivated to do my PT exercises for my back and foot. They are kind of hard, kind of boring. I go back to the PT in 2 weeks. The good news is she released me to do the elliptical, so I am able to get my heart rate up a bit. Unfortunately, she released me for 5 minutes a day, increasing by one minute every other day. It's not a lot, but it is more than I've done in 7 weeks. My pain is also a lot better, so I am very grateful for that.
I've written about using this time to heal not only my body, but also my sense of who I am equaling what I do (ie, exercising and eating in range, etc). I have been doing more reflecting and writing. Can't say that I've made any new discoveries in this area, but keep on keeping on, right?
Life overall is really good. Thanksgiving was wonderful. I am really looking forward to a lot of fun stuff this month.
But the spark? It's in there, I know, and will get brighter. Sorry for my absence, though.
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
The good news about not being able to work out for 2 full weeks is that I am finally out of the phase of not working out where it kills me every morning. It doesn't bother me that I'm getting used to not working out b/c I know how forward I am looking to restarting. But the kind of depressive fog that happens when I don't work out for a few days, that has lifted.
As has my back pain. It's not nearly normal or perfect, but I've been in some serious pain for the past 2 weeks, and to not be in acute pain is such a gift! I've never experienced anything like this, even though I've herniated this disc before. It gives me a new appreciation for my patients in chronic pain.
I am still focusing on what is healthy for me each day. Yesterday I actually ate in my calorie range!! I am glad that I have not been hard on myself about my calories, but also a little bummed at how much I needed to use food again during my infirmity. Not terribly, but not great. But to be hard on myself seems worse, so I am focusing on the present and not the past. It worked great yesterday, and I plan on having another healthy day today. I can't try working out again until I am pretty pain free for a week, so I'm still more than a week out from real exercise, but hopefully in a few days I can resume walking around with the dogs or something like that.
It's been kind of nice, in a way--the past 2 days at least. Sitting in front of the fire, working on projects that I haven't had time to do that require the computer or writing, the dogs next to me. There is a peace in it that I am welcoming.
Have a good Wednesday!
Sunday, November 04, 2012
As I wrote yesterday in my blog, I am redefining what daily health looks like through the scope of the injuries I currently have. As part of that, I have written a letter to myself for those days in the (hopefully not too distant) future when I don't feel like working out. Right now, I can't imagine ever feeling that way again, but we all know I will at some point. I want to remember the feeling I have today when I don't feel like working out. Enjoy:
I know that you have been working out very hard. I know that you have been hard core and on top of your game recently.
Or maybe itís the opposite, maybe things have been a little hard in your life; a little stressful. Maybe it just feels like too much to make the decision to work out today. Either way, you feel either like you need a break or you just REALLY donít feeling like getting out there and pounding out some pounds.
Itís natural and normal to not want to work out. It is perfectly understandable that everything in your mind, body, and heart is telling you itís OK, just for today, to not work out. What can one day off do, anyway?
I am here to remind you of how desperate you were recently, as you write this letter.
You have not been able to run for 5 months. 5 FREAKING MONTHS!!! Running is your passion, and you have been unable to do it because of your stress fracture and accompanying cyst in your foot.
So you started doing the elliptical trainer instead, but after a few weeks you had to admit that even that was hurting your foot.
Same with biking when you tried that next.
You were left only with swimming which you did (and liked) until you herniated the disc in your back.
During that whole time, you were STing like nobodyís business.
It would have been easy to throw in the towel at any one of the points, but you DIDN'T. You stayed strong and positive and kept trying. People who know you well remarked on your resilience and perseverance. And you felt those things. Do you remember?
Now you have been layed up with a herniated disc for 2 weeks. There has been a lot of couch time, a lot of pain, and icing and stretching, etc.
You got a green light to run and jump and play again regarding your foot, but you are still immobilized by your back pain.
And this is the most important part of this letter---
Today, November 4, 2012, I would do anything....ANYTHING to be able to work out in whatever way I could. I am desperate for it. I would happily put on my running shoes and go, or my suit and swim. Whatever. But I canít. The severity of feeling I have right now, wanting so badly to be able to do anything, is what I want you to know about and remember.
If you can physically get up and run today (or whatever exercise you have planned), then you are far luckier than me today, so you better get out there and do it.
Not only that, but do it with a SMILE on your face, a SONG in your heart, and GRATITUDE in every cell.
And remember that you were only laid up for 2 weeks. Some people can never run. A lot of people go without food. Certainly most canít afford the home elliptical and treadmill you have in your house.
So STOP WHINING and realize how lucky you are. And donít embed gratitude with a bunch of negativity about how could you be so ungrateful, etc. Just shut that negative voice up, put on your workout clothes and go. Because you can. And to not do it when you can feels like you are disrespecting yourself; the you that on November 4th is so desperate.
So do it for her. But do it for you too. Because you know deep down you do, actually want to. And while you do it, with each panting breath, breath in gratitude that you can move your body this way. And breath out compassion for all of those that can not.
Get out there.
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