Monday, December 10, 2012
Time to act as if, even though I am so not feeling it. But I am not going to get anywhere waiting to feel it, so here we go.
The good news is my time for interior work is increasing. I have struggled with this for a while (finding the time, investing the energy, etc). That is going well. The eating is still what I call octopus eating--because it seems like I have 8 arms for as much as I'm picking at food and putting it in my mouth. And still drinking a bit too much.
I am doing my PT exercises at least once daily, mostly twice a day. They are going variably for me. Physically they aren't too hard, but they do seem to set my negative voices going. And i'm up to 7 minutes on the elliptical (my PT gave me a minute increase every other day).
So here are the goals. Talk about getting back to basics, but that's OK:
drink 64 oz water a day
track every day
pep talk every morning to remind myself I am the driver here, no one else is. I'm not a victim, even though things have not been going my way.
plan out meals for the next 3 days and track ahead of time
PT exercises with elliptical every single day
remind myself every day, as often as I can, that the world is not served by my fear or shame. It is served by me acknowledging and sharing my beauty.
There we go. Keep it simple. And hold my head up and act as if I'm someone who doesn't graze on ginger bread cake with frosting when I DON'T EVEN LIKE GINGER FLAVORED ANYTHING!!. But that's the octopus crazies for you.
To a good week!!
Saturday, December 08, 2012
Not sure what the opposite is, and I'm not at the opposite of sparking my way along. But I would say my Spark motivation is and has been low for a while. I am still trying (with some success) to eat well everyday. The long time of not being able to exercise has taken its toll. I just haven't felt like tracking or being on SP while my motivation is a little lower. It's not terrible-- to quote one of my favorite songs by Girlyman, "I'm not on fire, not burned out, just somewhere different now".
I am hoping that in the next weeks I will be able to report that I am doing the following:
doing my daily lists of challenges and successes
eating in range
doing my PT exercises consistently
feeling a little more spark
I am highly motivated to do my PT exercises for my back and foot. They are kind of hard, kind of boring. I go back to the PT in 2 weeks. The good news is she released me to do the elliptical, so I am able to get my heart rate up a bit. Unfortunately, she released me for 5 minutes a day, increasing by one minute every other day. It's not a lot, but it is more than I've done in 7 weeks. My pain is also a lot better, so I am very grateful for that.
I've written about using this time to heal not only my body, but also my sense of who I am equaling what I do (ie, exercising and eating in range, etc). I have been doing more reflecting and writing. Can't say that I've made any new discoveries in this area, but keep on keeping on, right?
Life overall is really good. Thanksgiving was wonderful. I am really looking forward to a lot of fun stuff this month.
But the spark? It's in there, I know, and will get brighter. Sorry for my absence, though.
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
The good news about not being able to work out for 2 full weeks is that I am finally out of the phase of not working out where it kills me every morning. It doesn't bother me that I'm getting used to not working out b/c I know how forward I am looking to restarting. But the kind of depressive fog that happens when I don't work out for a few days, that has lifted.
As has my back pain. It's not nearly normal or perfect, but I've been in some serious pain for the past 2 weeks, and to not be in acute pain is such a gift! I've never experienced anything like this, even though I've herniated this disc before. It gives me a new appreciation for my patients in chronic pain.
I am still focusing on what is healthy for me each day. Yesterday I actually ate in my calorie range!! I am glad that I have not been hard on myself about my calories, but also a little bummed at how much I needed to use food again during my infirmity. Not terribly, but not great. But to be hard on myself seems worse, so I am focusing on the present and not the past. It worked great yesterday, and I plan on having another healthy day today. I can't try working out again until I am pretty pain free for a week, so I'm still more than a week out from real exercise, but hopefully in a few days I can resume walking around with the dogs or something like that.
It's been kind of nice, in a way--the past 2 days at least. Sitting in front of the fire, working on projects that I haven't had time to do that require the computer or writing, the dogs next to me. There is a peace in it that I am welcoming.
Have a good Wednesday!
Sunday, November 04, 2012
As I wrote yesterday in my blog, I am redefining what daily health looks like through the scope of the injuries I currently have. As part of that, I have written a letter to myself for those days in the (hopefully not too distant) future when I don't feel like working out. Right now, I can't imagine ever feeling that way again, but we all know I will at some point. I want to remember the feeling I have today when I don't feel like working out. Enjoy:
I know that you have been working out very hard. I know that you have been hard core and on top of your game recently.
Or maybe itís the opposite, maybe things have been a little hard in your life; a little stressful. Maybe it just feels like too much to make the decision to work out today. Either way, you feel either like you need a break or you just REALLY donít feeling like getting out there and pounding out some pounds.
Itís natural and normal to not want to work out. It is perfectly understandable that everything in your mind, body, and heart is telling you itís OK, just for today, to not work out. What can one day off do, anyway?
I am here to remind you of how desperate you were recently, as you write this letter.
You have not been able to run for 5 months. 5 FREAKING MONTHS!!! Running is your passion, and you have been unable to do it because of your stress fracture and accompanying cyst in your foot.
So you started doing the elliptical trainer instead, but after a few weeks you had to admit that even that was hurting your foot.
Same with biking when you tried that next.
You were left only with swimming which you did (and liked) until you herniated the disc in your back.
During that whole time, you were STing like nobodyís business.
It would have been easy to throw in the towel at any one of the points, but you DIDN'T. You stayed strong and positive and kept trying. People who know you well remarked on your resilience and perseverance. And you felt those things. Do you remember?
Now you have been layed up with a herniated disc for 2 weeks. There has been a lot of couch time, a lot of pain, and icing and stretching, etc.
You got a green light to run and jump and play again regarding your foot, but you are still immobilized by your back pain.
And this is the most important part of this letter---
Today, November 4, 2012, I would do anything....ANYTHING to be able to work out in whatever way I could. I am desperate for it. I would happily put on my running shoes and go, or my suit and swim. Whatever. But I canít. The severity of feeling I have right now, wanting so badly to be able to do anything, is what I want you to know about and remember.
If you can physically get up and run today (or whatever exercise you have planned), then you are far luckier than me today, so you better get out there and do it.
Not only that, but do it with a SMILE on your face, a SONG in your heart, and GRATITUDE in every cell.
And remember that you were only laid up for 2 weeks. Some people can never run. A lot of people go without food. Certainly most canít afford the home elliptical and treadmill you have in your house.
So STOP WHINING and realize how lucky you are. And donít embed gratitude with a bunch of negativity about how could you be so ungrateful, etc. Just shut that negative voice up, put on your workout clothes and go. Because you can. And to not do it when you can feels like you are disrespecting yourself; the you that on November 4th is so desperate.
So do it for her. But do it for you too. Because you know deep down you do, actually want to. And while you do it, with each panting breath, breath in gratitude that you can move your body this way. And breath out compassion for all of those that can not.
Get out there.
Saturday, November 03, 2012
The problem is inflexibility. And I don't mean yoga poses, I mean my own internal ability to accept change and realign my priorities and self. Through my foot injury since May I have been adapting pretty well. I've been handling the new set backs with my attitude of acting like the person I want to be: positive despite setbacks, encountering each difficulty with a feeling of enthusiastic, OK, time to change the game plan, what will it be?
My last blog described that whole attitude going to shi**. It was all just too much (and I don't even think I mentioned the spider bite in that blog).
But yesterday I started to get my feet underneath myself, and today a little bit more so.
I am realizing that I have a fixed vision of what the 'good, positive, healthy' me is, and I don't divert from it. So unless I'm eating in range, getting cardio, feeling positive, etc--I am not the best me. I am either in that state or trying to get back to that state.
But I woke up today thinking about goals for my day. So my goal can't be 30 minutes of cardio. And maybe it can't be eating in range. But there is a way to take best care of my body, and I started wondering what that would be.
So here it is:
doing my stretching exercises once an hour or so for my herniated disc
icing once and hour
spending time on SP reading inspiring things, even though I can't do them right now
drink a lot of water to detoxify the steroids and other meds I am on for my back and tooth (post root canal pending crowning).
planning my food (both for calories and because I can't eat anything hard or sticky)
doing other good things for myself--sitting in front of the fire, watering the plants as I am able, and writing/doing some research that I needed to do.
SO that looks way different from how I want it to look, but that is my reality right now.
And I can pretend it's not, but that will just make me miserable. What healthy looks like today is different from what it will look like in a month. Be flexible. And tell that negative voice (who is having an easy time with my herniated disc--so easy to be destructive with my thoughts) that I am caring for myself, just like always.
In other great news, the foot surgeon yesterday gave me permission to run, bike, ANYTHING on my foot. He does not want to do surgery to remove the cyst right now, but did give me a steroid injection to reduce the inflammation. He confirmed that I did, in fact, also have a stress fracture.
And the spider bite is healing nicely
And I slept most of the past 2 nights without having to get up in pain (with my back).
And my crowning is in 3 weeks.
So things are shaping up.
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