30,000-39,999 SparkPoints
SONGBUDDHA's Recent Blog Entries

The Straw that Broke my Back

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

If you've read my blogs before, you know that staying positive is a big deal for me. And I've really been able to channel that positivity through some challenging things in the past months. But it is getting ridiculous, and my positivity, while not gone, is not around.

June 27th: I recommit to making SP and my health my #1 priority. I decide to deal with the negative voice and my plateau and really get into it.

July: Diagnosed with a stress fracture, have to give up running

August: vacation on the beach with a boot on my foot (but I did stay in range 10 of the 14 days of vacation with a LOT of planning, tracking, and determination).

Sep 1-14: sure I have a stress fracture in my foot. Sure I'm in pain and still wearing the boot, but I can still ride my bike and eliptical like crazy!

Sep 14-30: First I stop the elliptical as I realize it is making my foot injury worse. A week later I realize the bike is also hurting my foot, so I get off the bike too. But I keep STing like a crazy person!

This whole time--every time I got knocked down I gave myself a pep talk and stayed positive and focused. I kept my goals in sight and did not get down.

October: I get an MRI and find out it's not a stress fracture, it's a ganglion cyst hidden in the middle of my foot. A BIG ganglion cyst. It will probably require surgery.

Do I let that throw me? NO! I buy a swimsuit, goggles, and a membership to the YMCA, cause that's the kind of resilient gal I am!

October 15: My tooth breaks where a filling came loose. I get it refilled and am in pretty severe pain for 7 days before I get a root canal. But I'm still swimming!

October 24: My tooth is temporarily done (still needs to be crowned). It hurts the tooth a little to swim, but I'm still swimming like a champ! Until the 24th, when I bend over to get my shoes off the floor, and my old herniated disc slips, causing pretty severe pain and has continued every since.

I'm done, people. That did it. I wasn't able to do anything but lay on the couch. My resilience is at an end. I would like to tell you that I kept my head up and kept on keeping on, but I didn't. I'm not binging or going crazy, but I am eating out of range and drinking wine like it's going out of style (yes, even with my muscle relaxant!). I am whiney, irritable, depressive, and probably weigh more than I did last week. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of all of this. I feel like it has all been just a bit too much to ask of me.

At the same time, writing this humbles me, b/c most of the world has it WAY harder than I do. WAY harder.

But that doesn't change the fact that it is pretty damn hard right here right now.

So waaahhhhhhhhh.

Friday I got to the foot surgeon to find out what we need to do about my cyst, which is still pretty painful.

meanwhile I am trying to figure out how NOT to let the negative voices win as I am still stuck on the couch.

So my big goal for today is to track, pure and simple, even if I'm out of range. I've not been on SP at all. I've had this experience before when injured that it just pisses me off more to read upbeat, energetic stories while I'm down. Sad, but true.
I'm also going to try to have no more than 2 glasses of wine tonight.

On the bright side, which I can still see despite my bad attitude, is that I am sitting in front of a fire, surrounded by my 3 cute, cuddly dogs, while my wife is making me coffee in the kitchen.
So don't feel too sorry for me.
But feel a little bit sorry for me, cause this sucks. And it just helps to say it.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RDGISME 10/31/2012 5:31PM

    Man, your life is hard right now!! I can't help but be glad for you that you have realized that you need to return to some sort of reality: tracking is an amazing place to do this! I am sorry that you have been knocked back down each time you have begun to get up, but I am just a bit jealous of your evening by the fire with your own 'cuddle brigade'!!

Comment edited on: 10/31/2012 5:32:31 PM

Report Inappropriate Comment
LVMAMAW 10/31/2012 3:37PM

    Awwwww, Man! So sorry! emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/31/2012 3:39:43 PM

Report Inappropriate Comment
JAMIEHORN20 10/31/2012 2:32PM

    You're right, it does suck! Annjie, you can't catch a break and you can wallow in that for a while. Just not too long.

While you can't read other people's positivity right now (and I TOTALLY get that), maybe you can keep writing your story? I imagine that will be pretty cathartic, and you might even be thankful later that you wrote it all down!

I hope things start looking up soon!

Report Inappropriate Comment
DDOORN 10/31/2012 2:18PM

    Tracking is HUGE! Especially in the face of all your trials & tribs! But hey, enjoying a fire with your dogs & partner sounds like it goes a long way to "distract" in good ways! :-)


Report Inappropriate Comment

Successful Stay-Cation!

Monday, October 22, 2012

The bad news is, real life begins again tomorrow.
The good news is, my stay-cation was AWESOME. And it was not without challenges. My foot is hurting pretty much every day (11 days and counting until my specialist appointment). And I need a root canal, which I'm getting in 2 days, but that tooth is pretty painful as well. It's making my whole face hurt, and the pressure when I swim makes it a little worse. And you may recall that I was pretty anxious about this stay-cation in terms of making good, healthy decisions.

Despite all that, here I am 6 days later--well rested, feeling peaceful and grateful, with 6 healthy days behind me! I ate in range every day except once (a planned over day as we went out for cocktails and dinner/movie). And most days were in my lower range even. I swam 4 times as planned last week, and did ST the other days. I am very, very proud of myself. It gives me more hope for Thanksgiving, which I've also been anxious about since we are hosting.

So I am pretty fired up about the whole thing. We have done a lot of cooking, which has been fun, romantic, and also helped me stay in range so successfully.

so....GO ME!!!!!

There's also been some space for interior work, which I am pretty happy about. We're starting this weekly prayer/meditation/deepening practice (joyce rupp's book, Open The Door). I'm pretty excited about that too. I feel like it is a good time in my life to do some evaluation for next steps, and I think the next steps are mostly inside growth.

Anyway, a great week, and more to come!!

Hope you have a great Monday and a great week!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DDOORN 10/22/2012 4:13PM

    You BET, go you! :-)

I'm so impressed how well you are really WORKING IT!

Speaking of which, have been working with my therapist on a new workbook he is developing, incorporating breathing, meditative exercises with archaeological digs of bad-old-lessons and re-inventing myself. Still floundering, but have much confidence in our work.


Report Inappropriate Comment

Here we go--a week of stay-cation!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I have been a little anxious about this stay-cation that starts NOW. Worried that I have been having a much easier time choosing healthy behaviors when I am in my work schedule, not so much on the weekends. So now I have a 6 day weekend. Makes a girl nervous.

So I started it with a great swim at the Y, and a breakfast of egg whites and kale. I don't normally eat that for breakfast, but we are also celebrating our stay-cation by going out to brunch later. I already picked out what I'm going to eat (eggs and veggie hash). It sounds delicious, and my breakfast was so healthy! I am feeling on board for this day, at least.

I think that is my goal, to really plan each day--figure out food first thing. That will help me be less anxious and more focused.

Swimming is going well. It's actually kind of fun to be doing something new and that I don't have the swing of. When I pay attention to my kicking, I lose focus on my core and arms and breathing. When I focus on my breathing, my kicking turns to crap. It requires focus, which is good for me. I miss music SO much though. For real!

My foot is hurting a lot, but I think that is because I'm out of the boot and walking on it a lot. I don't think it's because of the swimming. I really hope not.
My appointment isn't until November 2nd, so I'm just biding my time until then.

I am so happy to feel so good this morning, really ready for my week off. I need it, and I'm glad to face it with such enthusiasm, not fear.



  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DDOORN 10/22/2012 4:09PM

    As a kid I LOVED swimming...used to drive the lifeguards CRAZY on the shores of Lake Michigan as I'd swim way, WAY beyond any buoy of demarcation...wasn't going to let that hold me back! After getting chastised enough by the lifeguards I learned to swim downshore where they couldn't be bothered to chase after me and wag their fingers. I was fearless! One of the PLUSES to my weight was buoyancy. I could swim till I was tuckered and then float around to rest up... :-)

As an adult, however, I too really miss not having the music while swimming and no longer live near Lake Michigan where I was spoiled by the sandy bottom. I swim once in a while, but not too much these days.


Report Inappropriate Comment
KALANTHA 10/17/2012 8:30PM

    Glad you're feeling so good, Annjie! Enjoy your time off!

Report Inappropriate Comment
DAISYBELL6 10/17/2012 1:23PM

    Your plan sounds good for your staycation. I swim a little too and use a SwimP3 player to listen to my music in the water. If you have an iphone or ipod there are waterproof protectors for using it while swimming. I know I wouldn't enjoy my swimming as much without my music! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
THOMS1 10/17/2012 10:55AM

    emoticon a week off from work! Enjoy and try to get plenty of exercise. Watch the foot as you are still recovering. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment

Motivation Behind the Desire to lose weight

Sunday, October 14, 2012

On SparkCoach today, I was challenged to think about the reason why I have been doing this for almost 5 years now. Why do I want to be fit? Why do I want to keep working toward this goal weight.

I was on my way to blog about my injury (still there and still very frustrating), my purchase of a swimsuit for 'serious swimming' yesterday (I know that the swim suit store workers are not there to help me with my emotional needs but throw a not-emaciated girl a bone here! I did finally find one that isn't too awful), and my fear of upcoming events and keeping my calories on track (a week stay-cation and Thanksgiving which doesn't usually stress me out but we are doing a lot of hosting this year).
But anyway, the sparkcoach question got me thinking, so I think I'll write about that.

It seems timely, this question. I have doing a lot of thinking about my 'true self' recently. I have found that a LOT of things that build my identity and feelings of integrity and self-worth have gone away--either stripped away by the world or changed by me. So when you decide as a young person that THESE things are what make me valuable, hard core, awesome, and worthy, what happens when THESE things go away?

All my life I've touted the proper message about what you DO not equaling who you ARE. And I thought I believed that and lived that, so am surprised to see that I am having a crisis of confidence of sorts not that a lot has been removed. Things like, after 20 years I'm eating meat so no longer a vegetarian, I moved out of the homeless shelter where I lived as a volunteer my entire adult life, and now just live in a house with my partner and our 3 dogs--who am I if I'm not doing hospitality? These are just 2 examples, but there's a big list of stuff I used to be/do that now I don't. And I think it's really good. I am in a time of healing (after 5 tough years with the homeless family that lived with us and my dad's illness), and I want to respect myself with that. But it's caused a bit of a crisis that I am decided to delve into more deeply.

So as part of that it makes sense to ask why I keep working so hard at the health stuff. And it has felt like work recently. Mostly because of my foot injury.

I think my biggest motivator is wanting to live longer than I was on my way to--I am not sure how much my life expectancy has increased by being healthier, but I would guess it's a lot. I already have 37 years of weighing nearly 300 pounds I can never get back. But now it's been a few years under 200 pounds. And that's pretty cool!

Not only do I want to live longer, I want to live better. I don't want to dread stairs or getting in and out of cars and the like. But more than that fear and dread of everyday things, I want to be ACTIVE. I want to hike when I'm in my 80s. I want to be running 5Ks in my 70s! I want to be the energetic and positive person that I know I am deep down. I want to do what I want to do, move my body how I want to move it. And I want to do that for a long time. That feels removed from me given my injuries, but I believe it's still out there. I LOVE being an active, fit person.

I want to keep feeling the feeling of being 'normal'. After a life of daily struggles and knowing that everyone was looking at my weight and not me, I LOVE feeling like I'm not a freak. It's a long time coming.

I want to feel good, both physically and mentally. There is nothing like the feeling of strength I am capable of now. And I am learning that it is the activity and my inner work that brings the feeling, not my weight. I had days at 290 that I felt sexy and strong and awesome just like I have a lot of days at 190 now where I feel as big as I've every been, with just as much self-loathing. It's about the daily work, not the weight. If only I could remember that when I weigh myself!

I want to look good and fit into smaller clothes. I want to go into a store and not have to shop in the plus size section.

I want to show other people that it is possible. That they don't have to stay stuck in the shame and humiliation, the daily struggle of being uncomfortable physically and afraid of what situations they might get into that will be difficult and embarrassing.

I want, desperately, to be able to say I did it. I got to my goal weight. I really, really did it.

That's what I can think of right now.

What is your inner motivation on this journey?

have a good weekend,


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DDOORN 10/22/2012 4:04PM

    I can relate to most of what you list as your motivations...but for too long lately it has mostly been to avoid having "bad stuff" happen, health-wise, clothes-wise. I haven't yet reclaimed that "celebrating life" kind of attitude I once had. Still working on it though...


Report Inappropriate Comment
LILLEAN 10/14/2012 4:40PM

    Anything is possible; you will reach your goal weight just emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
JAMIEHORN20 10/14/2012 4:08PM

    That's really interesting, Annjie. I wonder why it is hard for us to describe ourselves in terms NOT related to what we do. It is not hard for us to describe our loved ones in those terms. I suspect if you asked the people closest to you who they think you are, they would not describe you as a carnivore, a runner, a dog owner, etc. They would describe you as a strong individual with a big heart. At least I would. :)

Great motivators for why we do what we do. I too vow to be that active old lady who can't wait for the next adventure!

Report Inappropriate Comment
SENIMMO 10/14/2012 3:31PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment

Work Out Rage

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Has it ever happened to you? Doing cardio and the rage just builds until you feel like you're going to blow?
It's only happened to me twice. Once was this morning.

I am just so frustrated at my foot, my lack of being able to do anything but seated cardio, and blah, blah, blah.

So this AM I'm trying to do my seated cardio. I do it like interval training: 5 min. of seated cardio, 5 minutes of ST, etc, etc. But this AM it just got to be too much. I feel SILLY doing seated cardio, which is not good. First of all, I can get my heart rate up doing it, it's just a lot harder. Second, how dare I complain about doing seated cardio when the only problem is an ortho injury that will one day be better? Talk about lack of gratitude.

But that is where I was this AM and I finally just blew. It wasn't pretty.

The good news is, I have a plan. Plans always help. Now that the diagnosis is definitive (occult ganglion cyst deep within my foot), I think that I can swim.

So I am choosing to forget the needless 10 weeks in the boot. I am choosing to forget the thousands of dollars I am going to have to pay by the end of this whole process (with no insurance). I am forgetting that I just bought an elliptical, I already have a treadmill, and how I'm going to pay $60/month to go to a gym for pool access. I'm forgetting all of that (see how well I'm forgetting it???).

I am going to try to focus on keeping the faith and keep on keeping on. My calories are great today. My mood is pretty good. I'm going to try to swim tomorrow and see if it hurts my foot (before committing to the gym membership). So there you go.

I also ate at at Mexican restaurant last night (don't ask), but managed to not go crazy. Yay for me (said with only the slightest amount of disdain).

Positivity will be back. It is just kind of sucky right now. You know?


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLYNNK821 10/11/2012 3:36PM

    i know. i definitely know. chronic knee pain here :) I should do my PT regularly, but it's boring and slow and takes up so much time and it's not like i can get my heart rate up. Argh!!! i know. Sometimes it just helps to vent, and it ALWAYS helps to have a plan. a series of actions that will be taken until you're out of the boot and back on dry land.
Swimming is EXCELLENT exercise though. works practically the entire body and it's low impact.

Report Inappropriate Comment
JAMIEHORN20 10/10/2012 3:19PM

    I'd say you deserve a bit of venting. Go with it!
I hope you're able to swim...good luck!!

Report Inappropriate Comment

First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 Last Page