Saturday, June 28, 2008
I've had this issue from the beginning (3 months ago) that I didn't want to tell anyone what I was doing here on Sparkpeople. It's one thing to tell YOU all, you are doing the same things (in both struggles and joys).
But to tell other people? Absolutely not. No way, no how.
Why, you ask?
Let me tell you:
1. I have spent a lifetime listening to my Mom tell me that THIS TIME IT'S FOR REAL! And watched her continue to gain more weight each year.
This closely resembles #2...
2. I have spent a lifetime telling people that THIS TIME IT'S FOR REAL. Now I'm dealing with my own inner voice of negativity, but to actually tell anyone else? I'm just giving them the opportunity to laugh and me or pity me when I FAIL AGAIN. No thanks
3. I have spent my whole life trying to get people to see anything besides my size. I'm I'm just funny, outrageous, smart, hard working enough, they won't notice that I'm obese and disgusting. It's worked well (OK, it hasn't really, but anyway...). If I start telling people what I'm doing, it's like pointing at my body and saying, 'HEY, DID YOU NOTICE I'M FAT???'
OK, now reasons why the above reasons are not cutting it anymore.
1. People are starting to notice that I'm changing. And when someone asks you in a supportive way if you are losing weight, you have to say something (amidst the inner anxiety). Especially when they are super praising you and all good feeling about it.
2. I'm am at war with that negative inner voice. I think I'm getting that it is the reason that I have failed in the past. It is becoming increasingly more important for me to tell that voice to GO AWAY because I don't need it anymore. So it's hard to fight that voice off completely if I'm still letting part of the shame dictate my behavior (by avoiding telling anyone about what I'm doing).
3. I am starting to be proud of what I'm doing. Which is crazy. For real. But I feel good, and fighting that negative voice has meant intentionally putting on a loud, cheerful, positive voice that yells 'look at what you're doing! You worked out again today!!! You ate within your calorie range again today!!! You rock!!! All those positive messages are trying to find ears besides mine and my partners to hear them. So there's this little tiny light of pride that wants some public recognition.
4. I've been able to ignore the things I've seen on SP about not hiding your efforts, but low and behold, in week 3 of Stage 3, they are really hitting me over the head with it. Everything I read in this stage is screaming TELL PEOPLE!.
So there you go.
Looks like I'm going public.
That scares the hell out of me. It's so very vulnerable.
But I can do anything, can't I?
And that voice of negativity and shame will recede even further back into the much where it belongs.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
For the world, I am mostly enthusiastic and optimistic. I am really finding out a lot about this dark, gollum side of me ( lord of the rings reference); this voice that constantly tells me I'm not doing well, and in fact am totally failing and why bother trying. The same voice that tells me NOT to post encouragement to other people on sparkspeople b/c i have not proven myself yet (only 15 pounds lost).
The truth is, I have made very, very few mistakes in the past months in terms of my food and exercise. I've doing it nearly perfectly. Yet I look at myself in the mirror or look down at my stomach, hips, etc. (or sit in the damn tiny theatre seats last night) and I think, "god why don't you DO something, you are disgusting, you will always be disgusting b/c you're lazy and slothful and not doing anything about how gross you are!"
but I AM doing something, I say in a small voice. the true, small strong part of me tries to fight the long standing dark overwhelming voice that i need to excise, but i'm far from the point of separation right now. Right now I am just realizing there are 2 sides to me, and in a distant kind of way it's very interesting to see this. B/c i know i am doing so well, it's just fascinating to hear the voice. and to be able to see it as NOT accurate. fascinating.
the bummer is that that feeling stays with me, even if i can quell the voice and realize it's not accurate. the self-disgust stays with me. but it's early in the game, i think. the first step is recognition. and i am starting to recognize the voice for what it is--false! it is totally false. but it is so, so strong.
So I try to 'act as if'. act as if i am doing everything i can. act as if i am the strong person i want to be. act as if i am a positive person interiorly. a variation on that quote is in the quote section of sparkspeople, something like, "act like the person you want to be seen as".
I want to be seen as a strong, healthy, happy woman.
And I am all of those things, for real, today.
These thoughts are false. It is not truth. If I can put light on them, they will not be able to grow in the darkness anymore, and my feelings will eventually match my actions.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
I've written about my frustration regarding the sloooowness of the scale, but that I'm OK with it. So I was WAY excited to start measuring myself. THAT, I said to myself, is where I'll see my real progress.
While I have weighed myself on all of my efforts-of--weight-loss-past, I don't think I've ever measured myself.
But it wouldn't be hard, right? I mean why would I be depressed about my measurements when I have no idea what they ever have been or even should be.
That's why I was so surprised to have an incredibly emotional reaction to the whole thing.
First off, my partner had to help me, because i couldn't get the damn thing all the way around me. Welcome shame.
Next, it is just a very visceral, vulnerable thing to put a measuring tape around all of these parts of my body that I have worked hard my whole life to HIDE and now am MEASURING. I felt crazy just exposing these parts, let alone measuring them.
Then, when my arm measurement was bigger than my neck, I just lost it. Who has arms bigger than their neck??? Well, I do. It just made me feel like a freak. I was full of shame and embarrassment, despite the amazing 3 months I've had on Sparkpeople. I sobbed and sobbed (with an audience nonetheless, but she was very, very kind a sweet to me).
Has anyone else experienced this?
I weigh myself, for better or worse, every 2 weeks. I'm not sure when I'll be able to measure myself again.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
I had my weigh in this week. I've decided to weigh myself every 2 weeks. This helps me see progress but also keeps me from obsessing too much.
So my goal, with 110 pounds to lose is 1-2 pounds a week. We all know that slow is better, more permanent, etc. And I really want to do this in a sustainable, healthy way.
So before weighing this week I gave myself this pep talk, "If I weigh 245, that's good--that is one pound per week and that's what I want to happen."
(but what i really thought was, 'it will be way under 245 because I am still at the beginning and people lose more in the beginning, so I will probably be amazed and weigh 240 or something like that and it will be great!') And I've just been working SO hard and doing SO well that I just couldn't imagine I'd only lose a pound a week.
Well...of course it said 245 and instead of being happy and excited, I felt frustrated. I know intellectually that this is good, but... well, probably you understand.
It just seems like such hard work for 2 little pounds.
And I know I'm not doing this exclusively to lose weight. Even if I lost NO pounds, eating healthily and working out most days is great for my heart and health.
i know all this but still.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
I know that at some point I'll have a crash and burn time, but for now I just feel great! May has been good--I feel like all of my goals lined up well and I've just been living in them for the past 2 1/2 weeks. It feels good. Even though I've only lost a tiny bit of my total weight, I feel like my life is so much more under control than it was just 2 months ago. Knowing what is going in my mouth, and exercising makes me feel strong and healthy, and it's great! I feel like I am walking taller these days, feeling prouder.
It's a good feeling!
I still crave nachos like there's no tomorrow, but I plan for things like baked fries to get that salty need met.
I'm not thinking of the whole BIG picture, just enjoying the feeling of making good choices today. Enough todays will take care of the rest.
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