Thursday, July 12, 2012
OK, so it's only 9pm, but my brain mostly shuts down at 8pm or so. I am not a night owl. I wake up mostly raring to go every morning.
But I'll attempt a blog anyway.
I don't have anything deep to say, but I want to be writing more, and I missed my normal Wednesday blog date with myself.
Things are going very well. My motivation is not as perfect as it was the last several weeks, but this new voice inside of me speaks calmly and lovingly to me and reminds me I can decide. I am the driver here, and I can make good choices despite moods, despite wants, despite boredom or tiredness. It feels revolutionary kind of. It's nice.
I feel pretty self-inspired.
The bummer is that I have not done any aerobic exercise in the past week aside from one day of bike riding. I've been hitting strength training hard! I think I might have a stress fracture from running. I get an x-ray tomorrow to diagnose it. That would be a big bummer, so I've been doing some mental prep work to handle it well. Biking is possible, but I rode to work on Tuesday and some kids tried to steal my bike and they really jacked it all up, so it's going to be a bit before I can work that out. I may get a new bike out of the whole thing. We'll see
We leave for vacation in 6 days!!! Lake Michigan cabin with our 2 dogs. I can't wait. I'm bummed b/c usually there we run and play tennis and play paddle tennis on the beach. It will be swimming and more strength training for me. But I feel VERY resolved to have a 5% vacation still, and eat and drink only what I have chosen and planned to eat and drink. It's an exciting challenge. Remind me of that when I really want a beer and fries on vacation!
I did get my blue nail polish. It was everything I'd dreamed it would be, except it chipped after the first day. Oh well.
Oh and we still have the 3rd foster dog. I am using the term 'foster' more and more loosely!
Have a great weekend!
Sunday, July 01, 2012
It's been a week and a half since putting myself in the driver's seat again, and I am still feeling very good. The past 2 days were a little tricky, those first days of want being a little stronger than it had been. It is always so true that I will feel better about an INTENTIONAL 1900 calorie day than a SNEAKY, WANTING 1500 calorie day. Yesterday I stayed on track, ate what I had planned and stayed on track. But there was the extra sip or 2 of wine, the extra lick of goat cheese after measuring (we all know the drill, right?). I tracked and accounted for those little things but I HATE that feeling. I call it the octopus, where all of a sudden it seems like I have 8 arms and they are all reaching for whatever crumbs are around.
But given how I felt, I did great! And I have really been on track for a bit now, which only helps everything really. But after such a rock-solid emotionally strong week, it was a little sad to remember that, as my mantra goes, "it's hard to want". The want was not in front of me for the past week. So it was here for the past 2 days. I tell myself it's hard to want and I move on. I still feel solid, so I am grateful for that.
And on Wed, I get new nail polish if I keep up living the 5% (see previous blog). It's essentially living the dream, being in the driver's seat, and living exceptionally.
It feels GOOD.
Meanwhile we are in our 3rd week of having a 3rd dog. Someone dumped a pit bull in our neighborhood after she had her puppies. She was living in an overgrown area of north st. louis for a few weeks. She was very skittish and scared, has obviously not been treated well. We brought her in to our house until we could get her adopted and figured we would take her to a no kill shelter if that failed. We had the PERFECT house lined up for her, but now that may be falling through. Also falling through is our ability to take her to a shelter. She's just so sweet and finally trusts us, I am pretty sure we won't be able to do that to her. But we are definitely a 2 dog house, so I don't feel like we can keep her. She is just SO SWEET. We'll see what happens to the pup. She's only 2 years old. We've been calling her Daisy. She is a great running partner. Although running with all 3 dogs is definitely cross training!
Have a great Sunday everybody!!
Here's a little picture of Daisy for you!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
I read a great blog the other day, the timing of which was perfect for me:
In the blog, TINASWEEP talks about how the process of regaining lost weight creeps up on you. None of us would stand for suddenly regaining 50% of our weight back. But it doesn't happen suddenly, and 1 or 2 pounds at a time is a lot easier to deal with than 50. But the 1 to 2 get to 50 SO quickly, right?
I have had some really difficult things happen in the past year. Could I have done 'better' with my decision making about my priorities? I don't want to say yes too easily, because I was trying to be very intentional during a very rough period of time.
Here's what I decided during that time:
--I have done amazing things, seen 100 lbs go (from my highest weight, 80 from my start weight when I started SP), and that was great
--These things I was going through required me to focus my attention and priorities on them, not on health.
--Heath would stay important for me, but it would have to be #2 or #3 on the list
--I could go a little easier on myself, even though I wasn't at my goal weight I could afford to be easier and gain a few pounds back, knowing that when things cleared up a little bit, I could re-lose them.
--It was too hard in the midst of turmoil to be too focused and hard core.
--It was too hard in the midst of turmoil to restrict my drinking and eating out
--I would be careful, but not hard core
--I would exercise when I could, track when I could, and do the best I could
I do not want to be hard on the me that made that decision for about a year. I remember how hard it was, how devastated and depressed I was.
Also true is that the hard times are not over. I mean, they never are for too long, are they? My Dad is still terminal, and this few month reprieve we are experiencing will end. So how will I deal then?
Because what the blog reminded me of is that this is how the backslide happens. People who regain their weight don't decide to--life happens and it's a slow creep down the long, dark hall. The light changes gradually, though, so we don't realize it's getting so dark.
I've been living as a 95%er--and I'm not even at my goal weight yet. I have not made it to my goal weight, and yet have crept back up.
But jenny and I had a great talk a week ago. I told her how scared I was, how much I saw of myself in TINASWEEP's blog. How I wanted to STOP deciding to try to do my best, and start actually doing my best. Planning out what my best is, and living it.
She is on board, so we've dubbed this the 5% plan. And it involves so much. The basic things that I always have to come home to--tracking, planning alcohol, planning exercise, and turning on that filter that has been off for so long. I forgot what it was like to have a mindset of health being the priority. Having the filter turned ON so that when I see a pastry at work, I barely even have to think about resisting it b/c that kind of thing isn't what I do now. It took me a LONG time to create that filter, and it is so fabulous to have it back!
It is so fabulous to plan my days and think about what would be best and then execute that plan!
It is so fabulous to feel so on target and send my negative voices packing with my feelings of enthusiasm. I am feeling more on than I've felt in a long time.
I feel the resolve that I used to feel. And it feels GOOD!
Lots of people get to their goal weights. I was stuck around 185 for about a year before I started gaining some weight back. I don't want to just get back, I want to move forward.
And I feel like I am on track to.
Have a great week!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
A quick check in.
Things have been pretty calm around here, which is GREAT! We had a community retreat over the weekend. It was nice to get away and have some time for thought and prayer.
What came to me again this weekend was that at this point in my life it is really time to continue digging into my negative voice / esteem issues and have them get my attention in a positive way. I've been taking about this for a while now. I think the way to start doing it is to take more quiet time each week to just listen to what is going on inside of me. That will help light the dark corners where those negative voices like to live.
Eating has been going pretty well. The retreat went fairly well food-wise. Not great as a lot of folks had a LOT of chips, cookies, drinks, etc just laying around all weekend, but I made it out alive with nothing more than a few handfuls of chex-mex and 1/2 a cookie I hadn't planned on eating. Not hard core like I wanted to be, but given all that food, not bad.
Exercising has been pretty good. I haven't strength trained as much, but my running is consistently 3 days a week or more. I did 4 last week. And for the first time I took it back to the streets, and my calf has been pain free! I did just the final 3/4 of my 2 mile run outside on Sat, and on Sunday when I was out in the country I did the whole thing outside with the hills and all. It was a beautiful run.
Mood wise has been pretty good too. I've been busier than I want to be. My parents were also in for 2 days of the week for an oncology appt. which was a little stressful. Today has been mostly restful and this weekend looks pretty good (aside from a family get together on Saturday). My need for rest these days is high, but after the months I've had, I am reveling in it!
Goals for next week:
eat in range 6 days
run 3 days
other cardio 1 day
ST 2 days
quiet reflection time 3 days
eat in range at family gathering
Sounds simple, doesn't it?
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
The French Open is on, so we've been starting to spend some time watching. I LOVE tennis. We haven't played yet this year b/c of my partner's ankle injury, but I can't wait. I'm not sure how to adapt the 5 fingers to play, so that should be interesting! I am so sad Serena Williams already lost, but my boy Roger Federer is looking good!
I had a little bit of a slow 4 day weekend. We had a wedding, a friend in town, and I hurt my neck. All of these things = not great eating (although pretty good), not great drinking (cocktails will get your calories above goal every time!), and little exercise (insert how painful being injured is to your motivation and program here..). But it was a laid back and fun 4 days, so I am grateful for that.
And grateful now that the week is here that I am back on track and feeling motivated. I had a GREAT run this morning on the treadmill. I have been so frustrated with calf pain with my 5 fingers---it seems like I am just getting up to my previous mileage (slowly) and then my calf starts screaming again. This time I am going to stay on the treadmill longer to help my calf adjust b/f taking it to the streets. That seems like a good plan. Mostly I am just so happy to be running at all! I downloaded some new music to my MP3 (after spending 2 hours going through what other people liked. That whole exercise made me feel the opposite of hip, I'll tell you that!). New music helps a lot!
And my eating is on track (meaning I'm not drinking any gin). We went to Taste by Niche in the central west end (for those of you from StL) b/c they have won national awards for their cocktails--and they deserve them! It was so fun!
I had gotten down tao 191, which I was way pleased about. I don't think the scale will be too kind to me come Monday (as I was not kind to it), but it feels good to feel good today and be making good choices.
I also talked to someone (my spiritual director) about negativity the other day, and countering my negative voice. She asked me to consider that the voice is a part of me, a part of every me I've ever been. She wondered what would happen instead of just demanding that the voice be quiet and trying to shut it out, that I welcome it and ask it what it wants to tell me. And if it's helpful, great! If it seems unhelpful, treat it like a misbehaving, cranky child who's lashing out--gently but with no real connection to the content of what is being said. So I'm going to work on that and see how it goes.
Have a great week!
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