Sunday, May 13, 2012
4 days ago I sat here in this very chair and wrote out a bunch of goals and felt all good and excited. Then I ate over my range for 3 days while not exercising due to a back injury.
I feel a little like I am at a crossroads and am unsure how to proceed. I reread some of my initial blogs. How full of life I was! How energized I was even though the going was rough! I have now been at about the same weight for the past year and a half (plus a few pounds added in the past stressful 6 months). I know what to do--track and exercise. It's not brain surgery or rocket science. But in the actual execution of that plan, I am having a very difficult time, and I'm not sure why. I just read a thread on one of my teams discussing what is your set back. I know I'm at a set back, but what it is--that information is eluding me.
Is it a motivation issue?
Is it that I've reverted back to bad habits that need to be broken again?
Is there some emotional demon of which I'm not aware at play here?
Am I not as successful at recognizing/facing my negative, self-sabotaging behaviors as I used to be?
I'm really not sure.
I see lots of you on SP going along your path further. I love reading blogs of people who have lost the weight amount I started out wanting to lose. There is no magic thing about 185 pounds where I got stuck. People who started bigger and smaller than me have gotten through that.
I feel like I need a revamping, but a revamp looks a lot like just getting back into the same behaviors that I started with 4 years ago, but those had me stuck at 185. At least I think they did. Maybe once I got to 185 I started to slide on my behaviors. I've never stopped tracking (for long any way). I've never stopped exercising (again for long).
I feel more bewildered than frustrated. Bewildered at figuring out what is keeping my spirit from diving into this; keeping myself from believing in myself and really buying into it again.
I know I am really bummed that I have been unable (due to injury and whatever this issue is) to keep the goals I set up for myself on Wed. I feel hesitant to make more, even though I really believe in goals.
Perhaps some goals-light:
Track every day
Plan food for the coming day
eat in range
plan out alcohol at the start of the day
I am really hesitant to make any exercise goals. I ran 3 miles on Friday and 1.5 miles today, but stopped early today b/c my calf got really tight. (as an aside rant, I am so thrilled not to be having any foot pain with my vibram 5-fingers, but it is taking my calves a LONG time to get used to them, and it really impedes my running).
I'm really going to try to do my daily check in with my 3 questions (from my spiritual director) this week (how do I feel deep down, what am I grateful for, how do I want to be in the world today?)
and I'm going to try to be gentle with myself.
Hopefully my next blog won't be a discussion of how none of those goals came to pass.
The good news is that yesterday I ate within range and biked. Today I ran and it looks like I'll be eating in range again. that's a good start. You know, I don't even want to call it a start, b/c that implies I'm finished when I don't make good choices. Right this second, I am taking care of myself. How's that.
Monday, May 07, 2012
It has been a long time since I have had the energy to think about goals. Since the end of last year, it has been enough to get by.
But, for right now, I feel done with that. I knew the time would come when I would feel the energy to revitalize begin to flow into my veins again, and I think it's here. For the first weeks of April I was really on track, but in a kind of white knuckle way. I felt deprived, and it was hard. Granted it's never easy, but for a long time there it felt natural most days. I felt more like a healthy person who messed up at times than a mess up that was healthy at times (like I've felt the past months). I also know from all the years of practice that to get it to feel natural again, I have to get through the first hard pressed weeks of it feeling very unnatural. Act as if, fake it till you make it--all those kinds of things. I was getting there in April and then Florida happened, and I've had a hard time coming back to myself again. But I am feeling motivated and good, I've had a few healthy days under my belt, and I thought some goals would help (novel idea, no?).
So I just did a goal brainstorm of all of the things I could see having a goal towards, and here are the big winners for this week and May:
For the next week I will:
have a fast break to eat in range every single day
Exercise--Run 3x, do Turbo Fire 2x, and do ST 3x. I will do lower back stretching every day ( as it is currently giving me some trouble)
Spirit--every day I will ask myself how I feel, what blessings are around me, and how I want to be in the world. I will be aware of what negative forces are working in me (negative thoughts, etc)
--on Wednesdays I will journal, blog, spend time on SP
--every other day I will update my status on SP
by the end of May I will:
make a visual image of the 40 pounds I have to lose
have a plan to help with flexibility
have a plan for training for a run
go to one outside fitness event (a zumba class, kayaking, or rock climbing)
keep up with weekly goals
My reward for my week 1 fast break: a movie
My reward for completing my May goals: either a new pair of earrings or a bracelet
I'm going to make a paper chart with these goals on it. Having it in front of me always helps.
This feels like a lot, because it's not a lot I've been doing. But to feel hard core again. That would be good. That would feel great!
I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
3 weeks back in to tracking. My goal was to track, not even to be within my calorie range (which is newer and more restrictive since I reset my goals). But 3 weeks in and I have been very consistent. More so during the week then on the weekends, but still. I didn't expect to come out of the gate so strongly. I'm pleased. After one week I lost 4 pounds. Not a surprise--I had probably been eating 2200 to 2500 calories a day and exercising somewhat inconsistently. The 2nd week I stayed at 194, but I feel good about that. Exercising is going great as well. I am exercising most days, and am running again after a minor injury. For several weeks I was only doing upper extremity ST b/c my back had a pull and my calf was hurting. I am still babying my back, but running again is SUCH a HUGE boost to me. It is such a good feeling to run. I really, really love it. I had hoped to do Go St.Louis this month, but I won't be ready for it. Training is going very slowly. I started wearing minimalist shoes exclusively (I read Born to Run and got hooked on the notion--I did barefoot running for a while, but I like running in my 5 fingers best). I wear some other minimalist shoes from this amazing company in Oregon (Softstar shoes) the rest of the time. I really have to baby my calves through this process (it's been since December), but my foot pain is GONE. I have lived with that pain for years and it just vanished--POOF! So a little calf tenderness and slow training are definitely worth it to me.
My Dad's health has been OK the past 2 weeks--he's been out of the hospital. It's been really good to have some breathing room and time to recompose myself in this new normal we have before us. It is helpful to realize there is no going back to normal, this is the new normal.
And I am trying to work on positive thinking. My self-annihilating thoughts, as I mentioned in my last blog, have really been unchecked in the past months. So I'm trying gently to realize they don't help anyway, and rein them in. I wish I had some kind of magic mantra or easy behavioral modification technique. It usually takes me a while to realize that I'm doing it.
So for now I'm acting as if, and it seems to be working. Running is very good for my positive thinking. I listen to these cheesy feel good songs (Born This Way by Gaga, Perfect by Pink), songs I would not otherwise listen to, but while I'm running, they are inspiring!
Have a great week!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Itís been a while. Iím not even sure what to write, so Iíll keep it simple. The last 8 months have been rough. My Dad continues to struggle with illness, and Jenny and I struggling with having him and Mom live with us a good deal of the time as we help care for them. In February we had 5 days between the homeless family moving out (who stayed with us for 4 1/2 years) and my folks moving in. It has been a difficult time.
And I wish SO much that I could tell you about how I managed to retain hope, see the bright side, keep my goals in sight, eyes on the prize, blah, blah, blah. But the truth is I managed to barely scrape by.
I am a very positive person. I normally have a LOT of energy and enthusiasm. Hope is not usually a stranger to me, I am a Ďlook on the bright sideí kind of gal. This past year has been too much, though. And Iím still kind of pissed off about it. Not a reaction Iím proud to report, but still.
And getting on SP has been hard (the few times Iíve done it). This site is so beautifully filled with energy and light and life and positivity and success. I have not been able to relate the past year, so Iíve kind of just kept my head down and kept trying to do the best I could. The same site and stories that have been my lifeline for the previous 3+ years were just kind ofÖdepressing to me while I was working so hard to try to take care of myself in the midst of so much despair.
You might guess that the worst of it is that I regained 15 pounds or so, but you would be wrong. The worst of it is that my negative voices, my Gollum side, my own worst enemyóit came back with a vengeance and still has a pretty strong foothold. It found new ways to creep inótelling me I wasnít caring well enough for my parents, telling me I wasnít doing enough in the other areas of my life (I have had to let go of a lot of responsibilities to help my folks out and just recover from the stress and grief of it all), and on and on with the negativity. It has been devastating to have the negativity back so strongly.
But I feel done with it. SP has taught me so much about this, and I am now beginning to get a little bit of my life back (Mom and Dad are back in their own home for the time being) to want things to be better. Thatís a nice change, for such a long time I just wanted them to suck a little less!
Iím going to kind of reclaim a few things, including my Spark page. I never wanted to change my ticker, b/c I felt like every one of those pounds from 265 on down were medals that I didnít want to not get credit for. But now I want to redefine. I am not the person that was recently almost 300 pounds, that was a long time ago. Now I am a woman with 40 pounds to lose, who loves to run and be active, and has a lot of tools under her belt to utilize.
I am going to try to be more active. My goals for this week are so simple, tracking, not drinking my weight in wine, drinking water, exercising most days. I have the plan laid out on paper for me to see everyday. I know itís going to be a slow recovery, but I feel ready to not feel so crappy, you know? I feel ready to feel hope again.
Iím going to try to figure out a way to be on the SP site more often, checking peopleís pages, writing down my goals, etc. I havenít figured out in what way, but in some way.
Thanks for reading all of this.
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
It is always so nice to have people checking in on me even when I'm not really participating. Thanks!
Things here are moving along. It has still been rough. My dad is now entering an experimental study in hopes that it will cause some difference in his prognosis.
We have asked the family who has lived with us for 4+ years to move on. It was such a hard decision, but a healthy one for us; a necessary one for us to be sure.
These things are SO stressful and take so much out of me. And I struuuuuuugle (to put it mildly) to keep on track. And I'm tired of feeling like I'm just barely hanging on in my good choices. And I'm tired of writing downer blogs.
But that's how it is right now, right?
It's taking energy to keep my mood up, keep my spirit positive at work for my patients and all the other areas of my life. I feel like I'm taking good care of myself in most ways, trying so hard to be gentle with myself. It's a good place to be, but at the same time some of my more fitted clothes are getting a little tight and it causes me to panic and then shut down.
But no despair. I will survive and I will stay healthy.
In other news, I did run the warrior dash (although ironically I had to walk most of it b/c the people I was running with were not conditioned!). It was an awesome test of strength for me. I approached many of the obstacles unsure if I could do them, but just jumped onto all of them to give it a try, and I did all of them! It was a lot of fun. I highly recommend it!
Thanks again for the support. I've been checking all of your web pages and blogs, too (like a thief in the night it feels like). It is so helpful.
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