Sunday, June 20, 2010
Last Wednesday I had my reward day for reaching overweight on the BMI. I got to that point a week before, and had a week to plan they day.
It was perfect! I had decided that for this goal, no 'item' (no matter how much I wanted it) was appropriate. I thought about shoes, books, etc, but nothing seemed to fit. I realized it is because I was looking for something more celebratory; more reflective. I have spent my life as obese. I wanted some time to really ponder the changes of the last 2+ years. I wanted a chance to really let the gratitude and pride set in. And I wanted to treat my body well.
So, I started with coffee with Jenny. Every day starts that way, but it was a particularly lovely time. Then I worked in the garden for about 2 hours, which was lovely (I planted the ginger that has been staring forlornly at me from their pots for a few weeks). I got cleaned up and had a lovely lunch (again with Jenny).
Then I took myself out to a coffee shop, and for 2 hours I sat and drank ice coffee and wrote in my journal about this process and how amazing it has been. What a nice 2 hours. Of course every day I think about how my life is different. It was nice to really spend some intentional time on it, though. NOT thinking about things that need tweaking, or things that I could improve on---just celebrating where I've been and how far I've come. It was awesome! Then I went to a ritzy gym and spa. I'm not too much of a ritzy kind of person. I don't wear make up, my wardrobe is entirely made up of thrift store wares, etc. I have gotten my nails done once (a gift before my wedding). But I walked in like I owned the place!
First I got the tour, then I went for a swim in the lap pool. It was great! It was nice to have a work out in my day of pampering. Then a bit in the hot tub, a bit in the steam room, and a bit in the sauna.
Then a luxurious shower and on to....
my massage! All I can tell you is that Aziz is my new favorite person. He was phenomenal!
I felt like melted butter after.
Then on to my mani/pedi (I now sport deep burgundy nails which are already chipping because I'm not really sure how not to chip them).
The day finished off with Jenny and I going out to our favorite wine bar and having a celebratory dinner.
It was the perfect day.
And it should be after everything the past 2 years has been.
The journaling part brought some new reflections, but I'll write about them later.
For now I'll end how I ended my journaling that day. The first time I wrote it I felt embarrassed or funny, so I wrote it a few times until it felt comfortable:
I am proud of myself.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I talked to another SPer today, and we were talking about how strange it is to look at our bodies in a disgruntled way after losing so much weight.
Had you told me, after 37 years and weighing 270+pounds that I would not be completely flabbergasted and joy-filled every single minute if I weighed 185, I would have laughed. How could life be anything but stupidly joyful at 185 pounds?
But here I am (in good company) wishing my arms weren't so flabby, belly wasn't so big, etc.
So...at JamieHorn's recommendation, I'm going to start to try to love my body right now, as it is. So my first step is to focus on one thing I love about my body; one gratitude every day for a physical feature or feat of my body.
It starts tomorrow. I won't bore you with them, but I'll let you know if I'm keeping up the practice.
Let's say June 14th to July 14th.
Anyone else wanna come along?
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
BMI is losing some of its popularity as a measure of health.
But today, I don't care.
I work in healthcare, and everyday I calculate with patients their BMI in the assessment of their health--I have for years.
And for years, every time I have calculated my patients, I have silently considered by own. And many times, I would recalculate mine. My weight wasn't changing much at all--I was staying steady at 260-275 as I had since I was in high school. Still, I calculated over and over, as if by some magic my BMI would be better even though my weight was not. So my BMI stayed right around 43, and my hope stayed hidden.
That was until 2 years and 2 months ago when I started on SP. For the first time in my life, I knew it would be different. I have NEVER lost weight. I have always been obese.
Until yesterday, when I hit 184.4 pounds, and my BMI hit 29.8. Officially overweight.
Do you know what this means? I know a lot of you do. It means that I was right. This is different.
I weight 184 pounds. Normal people weigh that.
I made myself look into my own eyes in the mirror and say, "you did this. You did it."
And I did.
And it feels....
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
A quick check in. I like lists, so here I go.
1. my injury is in itís 3rd week now. I have been trying to slowly get back to my 5K training, but today I guess I overdid it (even though I was being SO careful NOT to overdo it, I swear) and it really hurts now. My 5K is postponed indefinitely, and I miss running. Getting my cardio in has been somewhat challenging with this injury.
2. I have poison ivy and it really, really itches.
3. I guess thatís really it for the stressor list.
Now, things to be positive about:
1. I feel a lot more calm about the scale not moving (and admittedly, it has moved. Iím still not down to where I was (185.6) but I am back down to 187.8, so that is good. But the better thing is really focusing on letting go of that particular measure with so attachment. Itís a daily challenge, but Iím OK with it for now.
2. In my 2 years here at SP, I have really let injuries derail me emotionally. Thoughts like, ďsee, you knew you wouldnít keep exercising and now here comes that weight againĒ. Or, ďyouíre not really injured, youíre just lazy (hello, childhood issues). But this time, I am really trying to see this as a minor setback in a much longer path. And itís working this time, which is cool. Not to say my thoughts are totally positive, but for the most part, they are!
3. Seeing people with so much more against them than me at SP makes me realize that I can keep up with my healthy ways, and see this as an opportunity for creativity. A lot of folks with a lot more against them physically are moving their bodies and getting healthy. Who am I to cry over a muscle strain or use it as an excuse to not do cardio?
4. I got poison ivy after a GREAT hiking and camping trip. Well worth it.
5. I started reading ĎThe Sparkí (I know, Iím behind the times). I feel like it is going to really help invigorate me. It hadnít really occurred to me to loop back to Level One with different goals and different streaks to get me started again in a new way. There is a lot of really good, positive, motivating stuff in that book, and Iím really enjoying reading it.
2 things in particular I want to focus on are: 1) the idea of putting a list together of personality traits that I admire, and thinking of how I can inspire those in myself, and 2) restarting with level one and refocusing.
6. My camping trip really helped meóI really needed a break, and it felt like a perfect one.
All very exciting.
I hope everyone else is in the middle of a good week.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
However, I am really, really hoping itís true today. Because yesterday I weighed 191.6. What a load of crap.
This Saturday was SUPPOSED to be my reward day for getting to 185 (or overweight BMI status). I planned it for this Sat. 2 weeks ago because I was SURE Iíd be there by then.
But the scale is moving in the wrong direction. And the scale is moving in the wrong direction AFTER several great food weeks and 2 months of kicking my exercise into high gear. Iíve been running, doing strength training 2x a week, and being extra active besides. Through the winter I worked out 4 or 5 times a week, but now itís 3 days of running (injury aside this week), 2 days of kick boxing, 2 days of ST, and lots of other things like biking to work, digging in the garden, tennis, etc. Whatís up with weight gain? AND it comes right after my difficult trip to Nebraska and eating broccoli out of the trunk (see previous blog if you are confused by that comment).
But Iím staying calm, or at least trying. Yesterday I was in tears. I had a bad 5 minutes where I was sobbing and just kept repeating, ďbut Iím trying so hardĒ. It was pretty pathetic. I am not usually so pathetic, but I still feel a little wrung out after the funeral and my trip.
So after calmer reflection this morning, I present my thoughts (in no particular order):
1. maybe Iím getting buff and thatís why I gained. But I donít want to gain, so hmmm. This is a little embarrassing, since I am a medical professional AND Iíve been on SP for over 2 years, but I really thought that whole, Ďmuscle weighs more than fatí thing was a crock
2. I need to stop focusing so much on the scale. So Iíve decided to stop planning my 100% trip and stop thinking Iíll definitively be to my goal weight by age 40 (next March). I WILL be at my goal weight, just probably not by March.
3. This is LIFE, not a diet. I need to celebrate the process successes, not just the weight related goals. So I am going to come up with new rewards, like for 2 weeks on target with calorie goals, one month of steady strength training, etc.
4. Iím not in maintenance mode, but Iíve been here for over 2 years almost every day, so I need a new mode. One that doesnít imply short term or even suggest a finish line, but more of a process. Letís call the new mode Ďcruising altitudeí so I can get the finish line out of my system.
5. I weight myself once a week, but I am finding that it is really affecting my moods (manic joy when itís good news, sadness when itís not). So what if I got a scale and just weighed myself every day to take the ceremony out of the whole thing and make it less dramatic? Would it have the reverse effect?
I realized, too, today, that I lost 60 pounds my first year on SP and have lost 20 or so in my 2nd year. Thatís kind of depressing too. BUTÖ
as my partner pointed out, I feel better every day for the choices I am making. Itís not a race, and I am not suffering (well, not too much, I do miss nachos). It is a great thing to know that I am doing almost everything I can to be healthy every day. And the good food and exercise gives me SO much more energy and calm. So I wouldnít change it even if I stay at 191 the rest of my life.
(but I want to get to my goal and I wish it would go faster).
How to remedy all of these things?
Does the cessation of thinking about my goal weight work against me?
Should I weigh myself every day?
Get An Email Alert Each Time SONGBUDDHA Posts