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My Reward Day

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Last Wednesday I had my reward day for reaching overweight on the BMI. I got to that point a week before, and had a week to plan they day.

It was perfect! I had decided that for this goal, no 'item' (no matter how much I wanted it) was appropriate. I thought about shoes, books, etc, but nothing seemed to fit. I realized it is because I was looking for something more celebratory; more reflective. I have spent my life as obese. I wanted some time to really ponder the changes of the last 2+ years. I wanted a chance to really let the gratitude and pride set in. And I wanted to treat my body well.

So, I started with coffee with Jenny. Every day starts that way, but it was a particularly lovely time. Then I worked in the garden for about 2 hours, which was lovely (I planted the ginger that has been staring forlornly at me from their pots for a few weeks). I got cleaned up and had a lovely lunch (again with Jenny).

Then I took myself out to a coffee shop, and for 2 hours I sat and drank ice coffee and wrote in my journal about this process and how amazing it has been. What a nice 2 hours. Of course every day I think about how my life is different. It was nice to really spend some intentional time on it, though. NOT thinking about things that need tweaking, or things that I could improve on---just celebrating where I've been and how far I've come. It was awesome! Then I went to a ritzy gym and spa. I'm not too much of a ritzy kind of person. I don't wear make up, my wardrobe is entirely made up of thrift store wares, etc. I have gotten my nails done once (a gift before my wedding). But I walked in like I owned the place!
First I got the tour, then I went for a swim in the lap pool. It was great! It was nice to have a work out in my day of pampering. Then a bit in the hot tub, a bit in the steam room, and a bit in the sauna.
Then a luxurious shower and on to....
my massage! All I can tell you is that Aziz is my new favorite person. He was phenomenal!
I felt like melted butter after.
Then on to my mani/pedi (I now sport deep burgundy nails which are already chipping because I'm not really sure how not to chip them).

The day finished off with Jenny and I going out to our favorite wine bar and having a celebratory dinner.

It was the perfect day.
And it should be after everything the past 2 years has been.

The journaling part brought some new reflections, but I'll write about them later.

For now I'll end how I ended my journaling that day. The first time I wrote it I felt embarrassed or funny, so I wrote it a few times until it felt comfortable:

I am proud of myself.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAMIEHORN20 6/26/2010 4:51PM

    That sounds like a perfect day. I am so happy you found such a unique and amazing way to celebrate your accomplishments. Because it's not just one's many! So a full day of celebration is only appropriate.

Good for you!!

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MEREMOM 6/21/2010 6:59AM

    Sounds like you had a wonderful day. Keep it up!

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ROYALETBONE 6/21/2010 1:43AM

    What a perfect day! Good on you.

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TRIGFROST 6/20/2010 4:31PM

    Glad to see you are Rewarding your self...Keep up the good-work.

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Learning to Love My Body starting NOW

Sunday, June 13, 2010

I talked to another SPer today, and we were talking about how strange it is to look at our bodies in a disgruntled way after losing so much weight.
Had you told me, after 37 years and weighing 270+pounds that I would not be completely flabbergasted and joy-filled every single minute if I weighed 185, I would have laughed. How could life be anything but stupidly joyful at 185 pounds?

But here I am (in good company) wishing my arms weren't so flabby, belly wasn't so big, etc. JamieHorn's recommendation, I'm going to start to try to love my body right now, as it is. So my first step is to focus on one thing I love about my body; one gratitude every day for a physical feature or feat of my body.

It starts tomorrow. I won't bore you with them, but I'll let you know if I'm keeping up the practice.

Let's say June 14th to July 14th.
Anyone else wanna come along?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CASSIES 7/12/2010 8:37AM

    I am so on board with this. I see myself doing the same thing and want to stop this aggression towards myself.

I also do not allow myself to criticize or condemn myself for eating. I realize that I have a lot of critical thoughts after I put food into mybody. So, whatever it is I want to lovingly accept it.

I have been and will continue to focus on loving myself through this process....through this life starting right now.

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ROYALETBONE 6/19/2010 2:16PM

    A-yup. We only take care of what we value- so we have to value ourselves from the git. That's my take on the subject.

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PLATINUM755 6/13/2010 11:54PM

    It's a great lesson that is being shared, you have to learn to love yourself at whatever level you are at. Be sure to pamper you skin with moisturizer and oils, your skin will start to tighten up and if you're strength training, added muscle will also help. I've heard it said for finances, but it applies here too, PAY YOURSELF FIRST--give yourself a daily hug, kudoes, a high goes a long way! emoticon

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JODIE2105 6/13/2010 9:59PM

    What a fabulous idea! My body isn't new (yet!), I have a long way to go. But I think learning to love my body the way it is would go a long way in helping me on my journey. Thanks!

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JAMIEHORN20 6/13/2010 9:54PM

    Oh, I love the way you've decided to go about it. I know we can both find 30 (or is it 31?) things we love about our new bodies.

Great seeing you today. :)

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I am officially overweight!!!!

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

BMI is losing some of its popularity as a measure of health.
But today, I don't care.

I work in healthcare, and everyday I calculate with patients their BMI in the assessment of their health--I have for years.
And for years, every time I have calculated my patients, I have silently considered by own. And many times, I would recalculate mine. My weight wasn't changing much at all--I was staying steady at 260-275 as I had since I was in high school. Still, I calculated over and over, as if by some magic my BMI would be better even though my weight was not. So my BMI stayed right around 43, and my hope stayed hidden.

That was until 2 years and 2 months ago when I started on SP. For the first time in my life, I knew it would be different. I have NEVER lost weight. I have always been obese.

Until yesterday, when I hit 184.4 pounds, and my BMI hit 29.8. Officially overweight.
Do you know what this means? I know a lot of you do. It means that I was right. This is different.

I weight 184 pounds. Normal people weigh that.

I made myself look into my own eyes in the mirror and say, "you did this. You did it."

And I did.

And it feels....


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAMIEHORN20 6/11/2010 7:52AM

    You are awesome! I can't wait to celebrate this success with you!

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ROYALETBONE 6/10/2010 3:31AM

    Oh frabjous day! Callow, callay! i'm jealous... but down 150 pounds ain't too shabby- I'll get to that magic 'overweight' spot... I will. You go on, lead the way, you winner!

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FITFRANNIEK 6/9/2010 8:21PM

    I'm SO proud of you! this is SUCH an accomplishment! Congratulations!!!

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AIDRICSMOMMY2 6/9/2010 3:55PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MEREMOM 6/9/2010 12:53PM

    emoticon & emoticon

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HLEIGHH 6/9/2010 12:36PM

    Congratulations!! Becoming officially overweight is my goal, too... 30 pounds away ;-)

It feels so subversive to have "overweight" as a fitness goal. I love it.

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SQUISSHY1 6/9/2010 12:25PM

    Awesome news! Thank you for sharing! Great job on making healthy changes and decisions for youself! woo!!!!

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JULIEIRENE 6/9/2010 11:24AM

    That is incredible. I am so happy for you, and can't wait to join you! What an accomplishment! Make sure you reward yourself with something extra special!!!!

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KRO-BAR 6/9/2010 10:20AM


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    That is fantastic! My SW was 270 so this blog post has given me special hope. I was down to 236 last fall so I'm not really celebrating anything until I'm back down to that weight. This morning I was t 247, getting there!

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7KG6DA7 6/9/2010 10:07AM

    Keep up that weight loss and continue to aim at your goals ! God Bless You ! Rev. Mike

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FANORONHA_14 6/9/2010 10:06AM


You are emoticon

You are emoticon

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Wednesday, June 02, 2010

A quick check in. I like lists, so here I go.

Some stressors:
1. my injury is in itís 3rd week now. I have been trying to slowly get back to my 5K training, but today I guess I overdid it (even though I was being SO careful NOT to overdo it, I swear) and it really hurts now. My 5K is postponed indefinitely, and I miss running. Getting my cardio in has been somewhat challenging with this injury.

2. I have poison ivy and it really, really itches.

3. I guess thatís really it for the stressor list.

Now, things to be positive about:

1. I feel a lot more calm about the scale not moving (and admittedly, it has moved. Iím still not down to where I was (185.6) but I am back down to 187.8, so that is good. But the better thing is really focusing on letting go of that particular measure with so attachment. Itís a daily challenge, but Iím OK with it for now.

2. In my 2 years here at SP, I have really let injuries derail me emotionally. Thoughts like, ďsee, you knew you wouldnít keep exercising and now here comes that weight againĒ. Or, ďyouíre not really injured, youíre just lazy (hello, childhood issues). But this time, I am really trying to see this as a minor setback in a much longer path. And itís working this time, which is cool. Not to say my thoughts are totally positive, but for the most part, they are!

3. Seeing people with so much more against them than me at SP makes me realize that I can keep up with my healthy ways, and see this as an opportunity for creativity. A lot of folks with a lot more against them physically are moving their bodies and getting healthy. Who am I to cry over a muscle strain or use it as an excuse to not do cardio?

4. I got poison ivy after a GREAT hiking and camping trip. Well worth it.

5. I started reading ĎThe Sparkí (I know, Iím behind the times). I feel like it is going to really help invigorate me. It hadnít really occurred to me to loop back to Level One with different goals and different streaks to get me started again in a new way. There is a lot of really good, positive, motivating stuff in that book, and Iím really enjoying reading it.
2 things in particular I want to focus on are: 1) the idea of putting a list together of personality traits that I admire, and thinking of how I can inspire those in myself, and 2) restarting with level one and refocusing.

6. My camping trip really helped meóI really needed a break, and it felt like a perfect one.

All very exciting.

I hope everyone else is in the middle of a good week.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STATE70 6/4/2010 10:48AM

    I had not thought about restarting with new goals. Great idea! I got through half of the Spark and have not finished it. I think I will take a look at it again and set some new goals.
Thanks for sharing your list and thoughts.

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JAMIEHORN20 6/4/2010 10:10AM

    Great stuff. I haven't read The Spark yet either (shame on me!), but you've encouraged me to check it out!

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ROYALETBONE 6/3/2010 5:32PM

    Woot, woot, you are so getting in the groove... yes, yes, yes.
Take care of you- and you can have lots of new adventures.
Slow can be good.

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PLATINUM755 6/2/2010 10:25PM

    Excellent job finding the silver lining!...It really is out there! emoticon

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STLKINGHORNS 6/2/2010 4:55PM

    I love that you have more positive things listed than negative! Keeping positive can really help the big picture some times!

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Any help here would be appreciated.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

However, I am really, really hoping itís true today. Because yesterday I weighed 191.6. What a load of crap.
This Saturday was SUPPOSED to be my reward day for getting to 185 (or overweight BMI status). I planned it for this Sat. 2 weeks ago because I was SURE Iíd be there by then.

But the scale is moving in the wrong direction. And the scale is moving in the wrong direction AFTER several great food weeks and 2 months of kicking my exercise into high gear. Iíve been running, doing strength training 2x a week, and being extra active besides. Through the winter I worked out 4 or 5 times a week, but now itís 3 days of running (injury aside this week), 2 days of kick boxing, 2 days of ST, and lots of other things like biking to work, digging in the garden, tennis, etc. Whatís up with weight gain? AND it comes right after my difficult trip to Nebraska and eating broccoli out of the trunk (see previous blog if you are confused by that comment).

But Iím staying calm, or at least trying. Yesterday I was in tears. I had a bad 5 minutes where I was sobbing and just kept repeating, ďbut Iím trying so hardĒ. It was pretty pathetic. I am not usually so pathetic, but I still feel a little wrung out after the funeral and my trip.

So after calmer reflection this morning, I present my thoughts (in no particular order):

1. maybe Iím getting buff and thatís why I gained. But I donít want to gain, so hmmm. This is a little embarrassing, since I am a medical professional AND Iíve been on SP for over 2 years, but I really thought that whole, Ďmuscle weighs more than fatí thing was a crock
2. I need to stop focusing so much on the scale. So Iíve decided to stop planning my 100% trip and stop thinking Iíll definitively be to my goal weight by age 40 (next March). I WILL be at my goal weight, just probably not by March.
3. This is LIFE, not a diet. I need to celebrate the process successes, not just the weight related goals. So I am going to come up with new rewards, like for 2 weeks on target with calorie goals, one month of steady strength training, etc.
4. Iím not in maintenance mode, but Iíve been here for over 2 years almost every day, so I need a new mode. One that doesnít imply short term or even suggest a finish line, but more of a process. Letís call the new mode Ďcruising altitudeí so I can get the finish line out of my system.
5. I weight myself once a week, but I am finding that it is really affecting my moods (manic joy when itís good news, sadness when itís not). So what if I got a scale and just weighed myself every day to take the ceremony out of the whole thing and make it less dramatic? Would it have the reverse effect?

I realized, too, today, that I lost 60 pounds my first year on SP and have lost 20 or so in my 2nd year. Thatís kind of depressing too. BUTÖ

as my partner pointed out, I feel better every day for the choices I am making. Itís not a race, and I am not suffering (well, not too much, I do miss nachos). It is a great thing to know that I am doing almost everything I can to be healthy every day. And the good food and exercise gives me SO much more energy and calm. So I wouldnít change it even if I stay at 191 the rest of my life.

(but I want to get to my goal and I wish it would go faster).

How to remedy all of these things?

Does the cessation of thinking about my goal weight work against me?
Should I weigh myself every day?

Any ideas?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FUNNINFIT 5/23/2010 12:16PM

    Ditto what so many have added here! Mixing up the routine/or eating-calories will confuse your body and help it to 'jump start'...more muscle mass means more weight-initially, but then the muscle will burn calories're doing all the right things-just like on BL, when some of the contestants posted a minimal loss or even a gain-they knew they'd work their tails off/eaten right, but the scale is just one measure of your success-how you feel, look/muscle definition/engergy levels all contribute as well...I've been 'stuck' for over a year now-some of it's mental on my part, and some of it's because I have the same routine-I gotta mix it up this summer...hang in there-don't do what I did and gain 10# out of depression!!!

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FITFRANNIEK 5/20/2010 7:01PM

    I'll admit I didn't take the time to read everyone else's comments, so if mine are an echo, hopefully you can just smile and know I'm on the same page.
1. Buy a scale. Weigh yourself whenever you want to. You will see the way your body fluctuates on a daily basis. If you start getting crazy and weighing yourself 5-??? times a day, ask your partner or a friend to take the scale for a week. This may help ease the scale anxiety.
2. keep track of every single thing you eat for a week. I mean every lick and nibble! See exactly what you're putting in. Is there too much starchy carbs? Too much salt? Not enough protein? Not enough food? Too much sugar? Making a change in the eating habits may kickstart your metabolism some. Increasing protein is a great option, along with decreasing starchy carbs. See whats going on in your week and try something new.
3. Make goals that have nothing to do with a scale number and reward yourself adequately!!!
4. If you're still having a lot of trouble, consider consulting a nutritionist or even a personal trainer- just for even a month or so to give it a jump!

Have fun and Good Luck- you are doing SO well and your outlook is great! Don't let something like the scale battle your mind.

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ROYALETBONE 5/20/2010 1:49AM

    Thoughts- Spark did a series on being stuck on a weight- I'd read up on it if I were you. You may be eating too low on the caloric side, which means your body metabolisim slows to protect your body- have you entered your current burn and weight lately? Try doing that with a 1 pound a week goal, and it may be that upping your intake will allow your metabolism to rise and lose weight again...
Scale? What about a food scale? I know I have to get out the food scale and measuring cups again, and again, and again, when I'm really ready for a shred. Those tablespoon fulls can add up.... oh, and one bud 'forgot' the sunflower seed....
In re calorie cycling- you can get to the Spark team on calorie cycling off my Spark page. It's complex- eat more the days your exercise, eat less on the days you don't kind of thing, but kind of fun to read up on.
And... all of that is just thoughts...
Main impulse- is YES! You are awesome, you are doing this, and no, it doesn't end! It's a 're-frame' of your relationship to food, and the couch!
And sometimes, sometimes, being 150 down with 50 to go gets... frustrating. Mostly NOT, though. I love being so much more healthy!

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CASSIES 5/19/2010 8:58PM

    I don't have any ideas, but I really appreciate this blog. Itoo lost 60lbs the first year and have really slowed down.
I also find myself getting really jealous of people who are just beginning and losing lots of weight. that is such a euphoric time of the process.

But, this actually a grat time becasue it feels like me.

Actually, here are my thoughts. I do weigh myself everyday and it does take out the angst. You will see how there is a natural ebb and flow. You are working incredibly hard and I think I would be very disappointed too. But, as they say the muscle weighs more than fat and you do seem buff.

And I have a new image I am working with. Geneen roth mentioned this myth of Sisyphus......

"A symptom of this craziness is the endless cycle of bingeing and dieting. Roth calls it "the Sisyphus syndrome," after the king in Greek mythology who was cursed to forever push a boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down."

So, I have been imagining myself climbing up a hill or mountain with pebbles in my hand or pocket. I place them down and then do it again. So unlike pushing a boulder..or wanting a specific "big" result (like a particular weight) I just imagine my beautiful pebbles piling up as a symbol of the long term success I will have in the end, and not a big, exhausting boulder I am pushing that will just roll back down again.

This is the kind of stuff that helps me. Also, I am working really hard at not mentally criticizing myself for eating. I am accepting my choices and myself.


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62NVON 5/19/2010 7:48PM

    I'll add to the "me too" comments. Read my blog for the last two Wednesdays and see that you are not alone. I like your parting thoughts. After two "bad" WIs, I had a great one today.

Focus on the long term, not the weekly number. Your trend is down... WAY down... and you have come so far. You are healthier and fitter which is way more important than the number on the scale. The scale *will* catch up to all your hard work.


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MRS.CARLY 5/19/2010 6:56PM

    I just posted a blog complaining about the very same thing yesterday! I've always been great about getting in my exercise...I never reach my goals because of my diet. How many calories do you eat per day? How much protein do you eat? It could be that you have lost quite a bit of weight and your body is comfortable at this weight. Have you "shocked" it...what about taking your bodyfat %? You might think your weight is high but then be pleasantly surprised by your body fat %!

Comment edited on: 5/19/2010 6:56:37 PM

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JAMIEHORN20 5/19/2010 5:17PM

    Oh, I have SO been here! The weights and the running can both slow weight loss. Time of the month can affect the scale. So many things can affect the scale! All the more frustrating because I know how hard you've been trying. Does your scale have a good battery? It might be time to change it. I had a breakdown once before I realized I just needed a new scale. So believe me, I know how much the scale can affect your day.

I think you (and Jenny) recognize some important things, though. This is a process, a life-long process, and in that regard you are successful every day! You are really doing this, and even if it takes a while to see the number on the scale, some days that's a blessing. You have more time to let your mind catch up with your body.

One other thing. Have you ever tried calorie cycling? It's regimented calorie counting (varies every day to confuse your body). I haven't done it for a while, but every time I do it (usually 1 week at a time), I've seen the scale go down. Just a thought as trying something different can be a good thing sometimes.

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STATE70 5/19/2010 12:10PM

    I hear your pain. I have been slower than I hoped on my weight loss also. I used to let the scale determine my mood, also. The thing I found that helps me is: TAKE MEASUREMENTS. The scale has alot of factors impacting the weight. But measurements: arms, chest, waist, legs tend to show results. I try and measure every month and I weigh every week. The scale does not always cooperate but the lost inches in my measurements show my hard work is paying-off.
Keep your head up and stuck with the plan
You are doing great!

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TIGGERRD 5/19/2010 12:09PM

    Some days it's helpful to recognize and treat yourself well for the non-scale achievements, such as you listed above...having more energy and feeling more calm.

Hang in there, maybe mix up your routine (even changing the order you do exercises) and be patient with yourself. It's ok to have tears as it sounds like you had quite an emotionally heavy time lately (travel, funeral).

As far as responding your final questions, trust that you'll find the answer within yourself. Know that you are on the right path with healthy choices and behaviors. I don't weigh myself daily, though I think it would be more important in maintenance mode rather than weight loss mode just for the sake of staying on track more readily.

Also, I had a recent 6 pound gain in my weight over one weekend--but all related to my monthly cycle. I just kept focus on my fitness and exercise without letting the emotions send me to the pantry or fridge and surely enough, my body got back on track the next week. Hormones sure can be a doozy to bear!

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