Monday, April 14, 2014
I'm not sure what to write, but I want to blog, so let's see what comes.
My motivation and energy around Sparking has been lower for the past week than when I started being on the website again. I haven't found a good way to be on SP when I'm not feeling motivated or successful. I'm not sure how to do that.
There are a lot of other places taking my energy these days, neither good nor bad, just present for me. I am still reading Daring Greatly (slowly) and loving it. I am thinking a lot about shame and bravery in my life--I am thinking about it every day, and am glad my energy is moving in that direction.
It is also a few weeks (3) shy of the 1st anniversary of my Dad's death. Not surprisingly, it is taking a lot out of me. I am trying each day not to judge it--I am trying to greet the grief, joy, fatigue, variable moods, and lower motivation without judgement. It pains me how much I have judged my grief in the past year. So I want to meet it where it is, take the time and energy it requires, and know that this is my reality today. It may not be tomorrow, but meeting it with silence and gratitude seems right on to me. But it takes a lot of energy.
I also find out this week if I am going to get surgery on my knee (torn meniscus and loose cartilage bodies in the joint space). My doc is altering my thyroid medicine, and I feel a bit sick. Oh, and a beetle crawled into my ear the other night while I was sleeping and set up camp. It's actually a good story I'll tell sometime. :)
Today, in the cold and sleet (it was 70 yesterday!!!), I made a trellis for my clematis, and covered the berry bushes for the frost. I arranged flowers I got out of a dumpster, and I sang my heart out to Melissa Etheridge. These are the ways I care for myself. It is so easy to get into the mindset that everything (meaning me) sucks if I am not tracking. But I want to lose that all or nothing thinking. And that is why I can't figure out SP right now very easily. But I am going to keep blogging, keep reading your blogs, and keep on keeping on.
Wednesday, April 02, 2014
Most of the time this day would not count for my perfect day, but after a busy 2 weeks, it is just what I needed! The skies have been pouring down rain all day, it is SO dark outside. I walked the dogs (all 3!) early before the weather got too bad. I also got to and from the library before the downpour. But since then, I've been chilling, doing little things around the house, watching Brene Brown TED videos (I'm a bit obsessed), and reading. In a bit we're going to have some popcorn, watch an episode of LOST (I know, I'm about 5 years behind), and then I'm going to break down/cook 2 chickens. What a great day!!! It has been restful and delightful!
And I'm so happy that I have been AWARE of how delightful it's been. There has not been enough delight-awareness in my life lately, but I have it today!
Brene Brown uses an image of an arena to describe any time we are going into a situation which requires vulnerability, bravery, and talking down your negativity and shame. On a day like today, I feel like I'm outside of the arena, sitting in the shade, eating grapes, and napping; preparing for the next battle in the arena by just being and resting. No battles for me today!
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
I am reading a great book called, 'Daring Greatly' by Brene Brown. It is really, really good. It discussed what the author has learned in her years of research on shame and vulnerability. At one point, she describes a tactic of what to do when shame hits. Or when you realize that your negative voice is speaking in your ear. She says to repeat the word, PAIN, over and over again until there is some measure of being able to confront the voice or shame instead of letting it take root.
Today I went to the thrift store to go shopping. What 2 years ago was (for the first time in my life) a delight has turned more devastating than ever. I am buying new clothes again, because the clothes I bought several months ago (the clothes that were supposed to get me through the 'bigger' months I found myself in, are TOO SMALL now.
I didn't have much luck at the thrift stores, except that I kept that voice at bay that was telling me, "ah, a size 22 huh, you thought you left that behind. You knew, though, didn't you, that you wouldn't pull it off. Here you are, fat again" blah blah blah. So YAY for me that I kept that mostly away.
As I drove away, I thought to myself, 'well that sucked'. And I imagined how good a drink would be, or stopping at the Taco Bell that was RIGHT there. Instead, I found myself driving and yelling, "PAIN PAIN PAIN OUCH OUCH OUCH" over and over again. I pulled over when the tears came and just kept yelling those words. Cause you know what? It sucks, and it does hurt. All of it--what I've been through, what I've done to get through it, what it has cost me in the form of pounds and tight clothes and shame. After a few minutes I drove away and you know what???? I felt better. It kind of worked. I was able to come home, do what I had planned to do today instead of letting the grief of failure and loss get a hold of me.
So there you go. A success. It really is a great book. :)
Thursday, September 12, 2013
I was here in June and tracked for the first time in months. And the demons over tracking my 2300 calorie day were too hard to suppress after. So I decided that, for then, I wasn't going to consider tracking. I had enough on my plate and was having too hard a time not feeling bad about myself to add that. Denial? Maybe. But it was too hard and too soon.
So I try again now. It is made easier by the fact that my calories yesterday were in range. I want to see if I can, gently, add a few changes to my health. Grief's sharp edges are very slightly blunted. There is a little more space.
Here is the good:
exercise has come back to me. It has been made more difficult by 2 injuries: tennis elbow and a pulled calf muscle from running. But those are active injuries! The calf is good--I got back, minimally on the treadmill and elliptical today. But the elbow...PT starts next week. But the desire to try to exercise is there, where it had been gone for so long.
eating everything in site has changed. For a while--a long while--it was bad. The 24 pounds I wrote I had gained in June has become closer to 30. But my eating is better now. I am considering it (myself) more.
I am spending more time on me. Writing in my journal, praying, walking the shelter dogs as a volunteer, reading. As I have increased my life responsibilities, I have tried to balance it with being gentler on myself when I do not have responsibilities. My garden watering has become a meditative time for me. I am moving slower and more gently--in a good way.
I am trying on this new reality day by day. As my spouse put it, the world is colder and less inviting without my dad. And learning how to function without him or his illness as the center of my gravity is difficult. I am trying to see it eventually becoming a renaissance for my life. I hope to get to do things and experience hope that I have missed the past 6 years. But it requires me to continue to trudge through the grief. But mostly the trudging is less. The depression has eased. I am very grateful for these things.
I continue to struggle with wanting to separate my self esteem from my behaviors. I KNOW that I am not my weight, what I eat, how I work out, my mood. But its a difficult place to get to. It is all so tied up. I wonder how other people separate them?
I hope it's not another 3 months before I write again.
day by day, right?
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