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this moment

Friday, August 08, 2014

When you realize that your life is spiraling out of control. Out of whose control??? Yours???
Are we ever in control of our own lives???
Arent bill collectors, doctors, parents, teachers, authority figures, children????

I dont know why this is on my mind this morning. Sitting here in the quietness of the house, working on the bills, finally a day alone, and its raining outside, so much so that I can hear it over the sound of the music that plays in my headphones.

Just listening to my own thoughts I suppose. Remembering happy sunny days spent at the walking track. Just me and my thoughts and my music then too, but at least then it was thoughts of good health and weight loss and lunches planned with friends I had back then.
Wondering where those thoughts went, those friends as well???

Wondering why the scale never moves. Wondering why I cant stick to anything for more than the time it takes to plan it out in my mind.
Wondering why my foot is this way. The numbness is less this morning, but that means nothing, it only means I have been sitting about all morning. By bedtime tonight I wont be able to feel my toes at all and the whole bottom of my foot will still be dead.
And this morning I called to see if they had gotten my nerve test results back, and was told they dont read them until after the 18th.
I dont know what thats all about.
But I go back to my own doctor on Monday, so I am going to ask her to send me for an ultrasound on my whole leg. I am seriously worried about DVT and blood clot.
This might just be the beginnings of my mothers hypochondria passing the torch onto me.
But in this case, I am willing to carry it.
I havent lost a single pound, I am to the point now that I no longer even want to get on the scale, so I dont even currently have one in my home.
I know I will find out on Monday at the doctors office that I am stuck or climbing.
So, the cycle that never ends, never ends for me.

I sit here, having had my wheat toast and egg for breakfast, coffee and wondering what is next in my life.
I have been wishing I could find another part time job, just to get out of the house a few days a week.
Living in the boonies as I call it is bad for job hunting.
We are so very very limited in our job market. and defeat the purpose to make money, to drive 40 miles round trip to work a minimum wage job.
By the time one fills their car with gas, they have spent more than they earned.
Right now I might be willing to do it part time just for the purpose of interaction with other human beings, real flesh and blood living creatures.
But, I doubt there is a job out there for me worth the risk of the added weight and time spent on my foot.
So, I sit here, in front of this box, watching bikers deal drugs and cops search for serial killers and my little dog lays next to my good for nothing foot that I can barely feel.
And I read about the excitement, real or imagined or embellished at least, of the Facebook crowd.
And I look over at the elliptical sitting in the corner and wish my spirit would lift my body up and carry it over and use it.
Instead I sit here yawning, after 3 cups of coffee and listening to the rain and the thoughts in my head.
Most of them are negative!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SARAHSTORY23 8/9/2014 11:15AM

    As the saying goes, "Sometimes courage means putting one foot in front of the other." Though I've had some victories lately in terms of my fitness, my son's struggles threaten to tow me under nearly every day. Let's buoy each other up. I identify with living in a rural area and the challenges that brings, but I agree with Gordon66, just take one step outside when weather permits. One thing I have realized is that the people who love me want me to take care of myself; they want to see me happy and successful. Take care, and may the sun shine on you soon.

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CAPECODBABE 8/8/2014 5:49PM

    Maybe you could find an on-line job. There are legit ones out there but I hear you have to do your homework. Part of your mood sounds like boredom.

I hope you get good news on Monday.

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GORDON66 8/8/2014 2:37PM

  You're cacooning yourself. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. I live in a major metropolitan area, and it's still hard to connect with other human beings. For me, part of the appeal of going to the gym is interacting with others.

Once the weather gets better, try getting outside. I actually find weeding to be very soothing. Take care!!!

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the from head to toe blog

Tuesday, August 05, 2014

Normally I pay around 80 dollars to have my hair cut and colored.
Money has been a little tight lately so, I decided to do my own color.
Box colors dont work real well for me, as I have hard to color gray. sssshhhh, thats our little secret!!!
However, I decided to take my chance, and I think it turned out pretty good.
A little brassy, but I had no toner to put on it, I have some natural reddish undertones anyway.
I know I will probably have to touch up my roots or do another color in about 2 weeks, my hair grows fast.
But I am happy I did it.
I figure since I had it cut in early July, I should be able to save myself the expense until at least October!!!
One win and one loss.
I received my shoes today, the pair of shoes that took me weeks and weeks of debate and research and rethinking to finally settle upon.
And I am sadly disappointed. I ordered a 9 wide, since I was told by the woman who fitted me for my orthotics, that I would benefit from a wide shoe, since they are better suited for flat feet and orthotics.
I ordered from Zappos and thank goodness they have free shipping and free returns.
They sent me a size 9 medium width.
I can wear them, and if I chose to not use my orthotics, I would probably enjoy them.
But right now with the continued issue with my foot, I cant risk that.
I need the support.
So, the shoes were way to narrow and tight.
Back they go and back I go to the research board.
Next time I am going to go for the New Balance or Brooks. I wonder if anyone here has tried the Saucony brand???? I keep seeing those and wonder if they would work well for my foot needs/
Also, next time I am going to phone in the order and make sure the person on the phone understands and reads back to me my order.
I wish I had more access to real shoe stores so I could try them on in a wide in the brand I want.
But my access is limited, mostly all we have are Nike or Skechers in medium sizes.
So, I will start again.
Disappointed to say the least, and just glad I didnt order the more expensive pair and get a size I didnt order.
I have had a long day and tomorrow if grocery shopping and going with honey to renew his license.
I believe I will turn in earlier than usual tonight.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SARAHSTORY23 8/6/2014 7:45PM

    Hair looks great! Hope you get the right shoe soon. I can only spring for Walmart generics right now, so all I can do is NOT recommend those. :) Still hoping for good news/ solid answers on your foot.

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JADASDRAGON 8/5/2014 9:48PM

    LOVE! your new hair! so did you use a box colour because it turned out grea!

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the dread was warranted, but im glad its over, now answers.

Monday, August 04, 2014

All I can say is, if you have never had EMG or NCV tests done. Hope you dont!!
I hated it, I asked the tech if it was going to hurt and that b10tch lied!!!
It hurt like a cowbite, no, make that 16 cows biting your in unison for like 30 minutes!!!
If you have ever used a tens unit for pain, imagine turning it up on high and times that by at least 4.
Some parts of it wasnt so bad, they did the muscle tests which I had imagined would be the worst but no the nerve conduction was much more painful.

I know how Ol Frankenstein must have felt.
But I dont want to discourage anyone, if you are having muscle or nerve issues and the doctor wants you to have these tests, by all means do it, I waited 6 weeks and I regret not going sooner. I might have found out the problem and gotten started with treatment by now.

But anyway its over and done with now. Now just to wait for the results to come back and find out what is going on and what my next step is.
I still go back to the ortho in Sept to find out what he thinks.

Then I went to Walmart. Wow, huge misjudgement on my part. Monday of check day, 3 days before school goes back. Well, I had to have some calcium and some coffee, so it had to be done. Now I am home, with the ac on high and fixing me a nice little spinach salad with some grilled chicken and strawberries for supper, then going to do the elliptical and weights.
I got to the post office too late to pick up my new shoes, so tomorrow I am going to get them and wear them inside the house to break them in before I head back to the walking track this week.
It is time. My foot is still numb and that means I have to be more careful and cautious of my steps and not overdo it. But I have to get back to walking.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SARAHSTORY23 8/4/2014 9:02PM

    I'm glad that pain of testing is behind you, and may healing be headed your way soon!

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getting my ducks and piggies in a row

Sunday, August 03, 2014

I am still stuck in struggle mode.
I wake up daily with the best intentions and for the most part I do pretty good, but I am finding myself back to late night snacking, mindless grazing.
I havent gotten on the scale in about a week. I have no desire to do that right now either.
But when I woke up this morning, I knew something had to change.
I have only been to the walking track once in 6 weeks. Tomorrow is my appointment with the Neurologist so I am really hoping these tests will show what is going on and get some help.
I got the new orthotics on Wednesday and so far I cant tell a big difference in them from the other pair.
However, yesterday I wore my kswiss without the orthotics, which are in the asics. and I could tell a big difference.
Softer and more cushion under my feet without the orthotics.
I understand thats what they are for, to give a firm support to my arches. But they dont offer too much comfort.
Maybe the new shoes will be here soon and make some difference.
I just want to get beyond these set backs, its been one right after another for over a year.
It is now time for healing.
It is now time for focus. I am tired and I shouldnt be. I am taking my vitamins, drinkng my water and getting my fresh fruit and vegetables.
But I am being lazy.
I am not working out and I am giving in to cravings for junk and sweets.
Baby steps. and getting all my priorities in order, starting with the physical health of my foot and going from there.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SARAHSTORY23 8/3/2014 6:09PM

    I hope your appointment will provide solid answers. I know that I'm discovering that a weight loss journey has many more steps than I had supposed. Best wishes, and let us know how the appointment goes.

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CAPECODBABE 8/3/2014 2:32PM

    I hope your appointment tomorrow goes well and you get the answers you need.

My journey has become more spiritual, getting to know myself with baby steps towards my dreams, wishes, happiness, etc has made all the difference in my journey and energy level. I find myself humming the song - slow down you move too fast - all the time.

Good Luck tomorrow

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miss indecisive made a decision!! alert the press!!!

Thursday, July 31, 2014

I did it!!!
I ordered a pair of shoes.
This might seem like a whats the big deal moment to some of you.
But I am a very indecisive person. I have been doing some reading about it, and it seems it is a very real disorder associated with anxiety.
I suppose for most, the choice to buy a pair of shoes is as simple as how they look, or how they fit, or even how much they cost.
For me, it is will my orthotics fit in them easily, and still allow my feet room to not be squeezed in.
Will they last awhile as I cannot afford new ones every few months.
Will they support my flat feet and allow me to walk without worry of rubbing and blistering.
So I had narrowed it down to three pairs.
They had recommended Brooks to me at the place where I got my orthotics and the lady let me try on a pair of Brooks Addiction.

I found them to be very similar in fit and material feel as the Asics.
I didnt do the taco test, for those who dont know what that is, I read a blog from an avid runner who has gone thru many different brands of shoes.
The taco test is, when looking at a pair of potential shoes, she will fold the shoe upward, like a taco, and see where the bend is.
The nearer to the ball of the foot the better.


She measured my feet and told me that I am not a 9 but an 8.5 and that while my feet are not overly wide, I would be better off with a wide due to the orthotics and allow for thicker socks while I walk.
I always wear socks that are made for those with diabetes and circulatory problems. So they are a little thicker.
I went with the Asics Gel 1000, which I had tried on in the past, but the only ones they had in my local store was medium, not wide and they were a little on the smaller side, so I went with the 9 wide.
Free shipping and free returns on zappos.

i feel good about the choice and just hope I dont regret it.
So, I had this little girl who is the daughter of a friend. I kept her so that her mom could prepare things for her upcoming birthday party this week, and we always have a blast with her. we took her to the local pizza/playland, and let her play and win prizes, then I took her shoe shopping for school.
It was so easy to find a pair of sneakers for her, she just picked out the pair she liked the best and that was that. Why cant I do that??
I had only had my new orthotics in for about 4 hours, when we took her to the park and where the walking track is, I walked a couple of laps while she played and my feet were so sore.
The arch on my right foot felt like it was becoming blisterd and my left foot, still numb, was even more so.
I just hope that the shoes will make some difference, the docs tell me to wear these orthotics as much as possible, yet I read another blog about someone who chose to go the other way and train his flat feet to adjust and not use unnatural supports.
I dont know which way is better. My foot has been numb for 6 weeks now and wearing my orthotics has made no difference so far.
I go to the Neurologist on Monday for a nerve conduction test and I just hope that they can fnally pinpoint, no pun intended, a reason, a location, what ever this is.
The ortho thinks it is tarsal tunnel syndrome related to my flat feet and the fact that I have bone sprus and arthritis built up around the area where it was broken.
I guess time will tell and hopefully the tests will also and I can get some treatment.
Some relief finally once and for all.
So, tomorrow is the birthday party, Monday the doctors appointment, and I dont plan on doing anything much in between, I have run run run for 3 day and today I have to clean and catch up on some laundry.
Then maybe will come a day of rest.
Now, the shoes are taken care of, next is a new smartphone.
A friend of mine has a Motorola Razr Maxx for sale and I have gone back and forth about buying it.
I do not care for the Iphones, only because of our local towers not being as compatible with them as with android phones.
So to spend that kind of money I need to sure I am getting a phone where I can get a good signal and be able to use the data/internet here at home.
I am tired of decision making, most people would just walk into a store, see somethng they like and say this is the one for me.
I over analyze, read, blog, research, compare, and then after making the decision, I usually still back out at the last minute!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ONTHEPATH2 8/1/2014 11:20AM

    Ohhhh I can relate to the sore feet! But congrats on those new shoes! Hopefully they will help! A good pair of workout shoes is a must. I just bought a pair yesterday. I tend to stick with the Saucony brand - they fit my crazy feet the best. Last time I fell for the Adidas Boost shoes because they were so light weight - but they didn't support my feet enough and I found them aching after long walks. Back to my old standby!

I think it is awesome that you overanalyze! I wish I did that a bit more! Enjoy those shoes!!! emoticon

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GORDON66 7/31/2014 11:26PM

  Having someone fit your feet to the shoes is a wise choice. Being able to walk without pain is a joy!!!!

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GREEN-EYED-LADY 7/31/2014 6:11PM

    I think it is actually a GOOD thing that you shop around, do your research, think about it for awhile, etc. THAT is SO MUCH BETTER than being an impulsive shopaholic. Many people get "manic" and spend money wildly. That can be very dangerous financially ! ( I'm more like you - I check things out. ) So don't be so hard on yourself. (And I LOVE the dragonflies too !) I hope your feet get better ! Pain in your feet is the WORST !

Comment edited on: 7/31/2014 6:12:51 PM

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FITMARY 7/31/2014 5:29PM

    I'm so sorry your feet hurt. That must be excruciating! But I'm glad you were able to find a new pair of shoes that you think will fit.
Over-analyzing is a big problem, made worse, I think, by all the choices we have. I have a friend who has that problem, and it is so difficult for her. She's chosen an area of her life to "go crazy" and just try things without analyzing, and that actually seems to be helping her in other areas too. She and her husband eat out quite a bit and she decided to try all kinds of things on the menu without thinking about it. Surprisingly enough, that has helped free her up a bit over all. Maybe there's a place in your life where you could give up "control"? Just a thought....
p.s. I love the dragonfly!

Comment edited on: 7/31/2014 5:30:21 PM

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