Thursday, July 31, 2014
I did it!!!
I ordered a pair of shoes.
This might seem like a whats the big deal moment to some of you.
But I am a very indecisive person. I have been doing some reading about it, and it seems it is a very real disorder associated with anxiety.
I suppose for most, the choice to buy a pair of shoes is as simple as how they look, or how they fit, or even how much they cost.
For me, it is will my orthotics fit in them easily, and still allow my feet room to not be squeezed in.
Will they last awhile as I cannot afford new ones every few months.
Will they support my flat feet and allow me to walk without worry of rubbing and blistering.
So I had narrowed it down to three pairs.
They had recommended Brooks to me at the place where I got my orthotics and the lady let me try on a pair of Brooks Addiction.
I found them to be very similar in fit and material feel as the Asics.
I didnt do the taco test, for those who dont know what that is, I read a blog from an avid runner who has gone thru many different brands of shoes.
The taco test is, when looking at a pair of potential shoes, she will fold the shoe upward, like a taco, and see where the bend is.
The nearer to the ball of the foot the better.
She measured my feet and told me that I am not a 9 but an 8.5 and that while my feet are not overly wide, I would be better off with a wide due to the orthotics and allow for thicker socks while I walk.
I always wear socks that are made for those with diabetes and circulatory problems. So they are a little thicker.
I went with the Asics Gel 1000, which I had tried on in the past, but the only ones they had in my local store was medium, not wide and they were a little on the smaller side, so I went with the 9 wide.
Free shipping and free returns on zappos.
i feel good about the choice and just hope I dont regret it.
So, I had this little girl who is the daughter of a friend. I kept her so that her mom could prepare things for her upcoming birthday party this week, and we always have a blast with her. we took her to the local pizza/playland, and let her play and win prizes, then I took her shoe shopping for school.
It was so easy to find a pair of sneakers for her, she just picked out the pair she liked the best and that was that. Why cant I do that??
I had only had my new orthotics in for about 4 hours, when we took her to the park and where the walking track is, I walked a couple of laps while she played and my feet were so sore.
The arch on my right foot felt like it was becoming blisterd and my left foot, still numb, was even more so.
I just hope that the shoes will make some difference, the docs tell me to wear these orthotics as much as possible, yet I read another blog about someone who chose to go the other way and train his flat feet to adjust and not use unnatural supports.
I dont know which way is better. My foot has been numb for 6 weeks now and wearing my orthotics has made no difference so far.
I go to the Neurologist on Monday for a nerve conduction test and I just hope that they can fnally pinpoint, no pun intended, a reason, a location, what ever this is.
The ortho thinks it is tarsal tunnel syndrome related to my flat feet and the fact that I have bone sprus and arthritis built up around the area where it was broken.
I guess time will tell and hopefully the tests will also and I can get some treatment.
Some relief finally once and for all.
So, tomorrow is the birthday party, Monday the doctors appointment, and I dont plan on doing anything much in between, I have run run run for 3 day and today I have to clean and catch up on some laundry.
Then maybe will come a day of rest.
Now, the shoes are taken care of, next is a new smartphone.
A friend of mine has a Motorola Razr Maxx for sale and I have gone back and forth about buying it.
I do not care for the Iphones, only because of our local towers not being as compatible with them as with android phones.
So to spend that kind of money I need to sure I am getting a phone where I can get a good signal and be able to use the data/internet here at home.
I am tired of decision making, most people would just walk into a store, see somethng they like and say this is the one for me.
I over analyze, read, blog, research, compare, and then after making the decision, I usually still back out at the last minute!!!
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
One thing I have discovered about myself, is that I am not a traditional girl.
Or the stereotypical girl I guess is a better way of putting it.
I despise shoe shopping!!!
So, I am coming to you, spark friends for some much needed advice.
Walking/Running shoes for the overpronator (flat foot)!
Brooks was recommended to me by the people that fitted me for my orthotics.
I understand that they sell this brand and therefore would recommend it, but is it a good shoe?
Is it the best for flat feet?
the best for use with orthotics?
are they worth between 120 and 160 dollars, because every site I have checked this is the standard cost.
Asics is what I currently wear, that and Kswiss tubes, which I do not recommend myself.
The Asics seemed to be a good shoe for walking, but I ordered a replacement pair, in a size 8.5 medium, and I couldnt even get my foot under the tounge.
They fit like a size 6.
New Balance seems to come up on alot of the websites I have checked.
But there are so many to choose from and when I ask for reviews, I get for underpronators or mild pronators.
So, finding the one for OVER pronators has been a hassle.
I went into a shoe store last week and tried on a pair of what they sold, which was Nike, but just to see what is the correct size, then I realize not all shoes are made alike or will fit alike.
I am lost.
We do not have any shoe stores near me that sell Brooks, and very few that sell special shoes, such as stability shoes.
I appreciate any suggestions anyone can give.
I need support for flat feet, and stability and mostly used for pavement, walking track, I dont do trails.
Monday, July 28, 2014
I know the last few blog posts have been somewhat dark, negative nancy. But I have just been dealing with inner demons that seem to show up in the form of over indulgence and they make me feel so bad about myself and the people around me.
But today I can post a happy-ish blog.
I got on the scale to discover a 4 pound weight loss. Now keep in mind, that I had gained 8 pounds the last time I got on the scale, after vacation.
I was a little taken aback by the 4lb loss, I suspect now that the gain I had might have been partially water weight, swelling from too much salty foods and alcohol I took part in a little pina colada action while at the beach.
Not too mention enjoying a smores and a trip to Dunkin Donuts!!
So, I had nothing to blame it on but poor decison making and lack of walking.
The loss on the scale today is a victory, even if I am still 17 pounds over the weight I was before I broke my foot.
So, as of today, wiping the slate clean and starting here, that is my goal to lose these re-gained pounds and get back to that weight.
I dont think my mind is going to accept the victories totally as real victories until I get back to that place.
Yesterday was a good day.
I made one or two very minor slip ups off my planned meals and calories, but not to the point that they sent me into depressed mode.
I had a whole wheat pita pocket and one barbequed rib that were NOT a part of my planned meal.
But I gave up my late evening planned snack of yogurt and peaches and opted for a small box of raisins instead.
I pretty much have an even balance on vitamin d, calcium and protein, but I am needing to increase my daily iron and fiber.
So, the day was good overall.
and PLANNING to stick to THE PLAN again today.
Just sparking, blogging, recording, and private journaling has really helped me stay focused.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
When do you get really serious about your health?
A man I know just died this morning, he was my age, 46. I have known him all his life, since we were little children.
and he has always been overweight, obese, morbidly obese.
I had suspected he had some kind of weight loss surgery in the last few years, as he had lost alot of weight, but he was still very obese.
He had been in and out of the hospital for the last year with heart condition.
He was sent to Jewish Hospital in Louisville, earlier this week for potential heart surgery, but he was too weak and he gave in this morning.
So, I once again find myself sitting here knowing I do not want that to be me.
I do not want to be like my father and have 4 heart attacks, a heart pacemaker and defib.
and still not be healthy,
My father at the age of 74 is now pretty well bedfast, of his own making.
He was offered in hospital physical therapy for 2 weeks to help build up his muscles and get him back up moving with the help of a walker or cane.
Opting instead to come home and crawl into his bed, where he slipped out of last week and my brother had to try to get him out of the floor and back into the bed.
Parents become a medical burden to their children, usually not by choice, and usually after fighting to stay independent.
Not my father, he has given up. The only thing is, the doctors cannot find anything physically wrong with him. Other than the fact that he did work underground in the coalmines most of his life and therefore has breathing problems and wear and tear on his body, bones.
When do you decide to just give up?
When do you choose to fight?
I fought, then I gave IN, NOT UP, BUT IN.
I am the first to admit the last few months, I have been struggling.
I havent been careful about what I eat, mindful, but not careful.
I knowingly have eaten ice cream and burgers and chips and breads.
and every single time afterward, I have felt guilt, I have felt failure.
So, when do I start fighting again?
Proof positive that WLS isnt always the answer, a man I know had the surgery 4 years ago, he has gained back at least half of the 180 pounds he lost, and is now starting the process to have the surgery AGAIN.
He has undergone at least 5 bowel and stomach related surgeries since.
When do I start fighting again?
When do I say no longer will I accept that failure? When will I stop giving in to cravings and thoughts that its ok, now, worry about it later.
Well it is later.
I dont want to go out like them. I might, no one knows the future, even thin and healthy people develop illnesses that they cant overcome, the lady I stayed with last year before she passed, all of her life, she stayed busy, worked, and was in good health, physically.
But a fall and a broken hip and surgery and she never recovered, she went down hill from that day on.
So no one knows what is going to happen.
The healthiest of us, the sickest of us, no one knows how it is going to end.
But I know this, I dont want to struggle anymore.
I am killing myself not only with my food choices, salty and fat and sugary, but I am killng myself with what I am doing to myself mentally, back and forth with the depression over food.
I just dont want to go out like that.
I guess you could say at least those guys tried, right? Some look at it like surgery is the easy way out, well it cant have been easy for them, it cant have been easy for those others I have known who suffered health problems and numerous surgeries after.
I do know a few who have been successful after.
I think those people would have been successful without it if they had chosen that road.
That is one reason why I dont think I would be successful after surgery. Because I had a small success on my own, then I just got tired of trying. Well I have rested long enough, its time to get back to work.
I dont want to be in this place in my mind anymore.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Today I had intended to make cabbage rolls, but instead I ended up just throwing everything into the crcok pot and I ended up with a delicious soup.
Cabbage, ground beef, tomatoes, carrots, mini bell peppers, of all colors, and rice.
Garlic, oregano and ground red pepper.
I dont know what its called, but it is tasty!
In other news. I got my appointment for August 4th to have my nerve conduction study.
Hopefully this will give me some idea of what is going on with my foot.
I know the ortho asked me to wait til Sept, his reasoning being that my foot hasnt been in this condition long enough for them to determine what is going on.
But he isnt the one who has to walk on a numb foot and not be able to walk for exercise, to just walk from the living room to the bedroom, etc, is annoying.
Not so much painful, just the constant feeling of a foot asleep, dead, numb.
I cant wait.
I dread it some too, I have been told these tests can be somewhat painful.
But the thoughts of walking around like this for another two months is more painful.
And in even more news, I have made a personal decision to delete some facebook friends and also, to cut some ties to some so called real friends.
I dont have girlfriends anymore.
Everyone wanted me around when they were single, when they wanted someone to have lunch with, go shopping with, hang out in the bar with.
I always thought, wow, I have such amazing friends, but what I discovered was that I was nothing more to any of them but filling, a wing-man!!
Well, it hurts to finally let that sink in that I wasnt really ever their friend, but just someone to fill a void while they were single, while their husbands were at work, or kids in school.
Now, when Honey is at work, if I go anywhere, I go alone.
I have stopped asking any of them to lunch or dinner, I have stopped asking any of them to go shopping, or to even just ride around with me while I run errands or vice versa.
No, I do not have one single friend out there who I can spend time with.
I dont know what it would feel like to have one of them call me up just to talk and laugh.
Or even Facebook message me,
I always make the move to begin a conversation.
And I know that for a long time, I probably wasnt every much fun to be around.
I went thru a very hard time during the first part of 2013, well, thru most of that year really, up til the fall at least. And another thing I figured out was, once the drama was gone, so were they.
Told me that they were probably just being my friend to hear how bad my life was so they felt good about themselves,
My so called best friend since grade school, who used to ask me to do stuff all the time, even if it was just to come to her house and sit on the porch and chat. she doesnt even speak to me anymore.
On occasion she will comment on something I might post on FB,
But our friendship as it was is gone.
I have no one.
But myself and right now, just staying at home and looking for something to do to kill the boredom of my life since i cant walk, I watch Netflix or read or clean house or SP.
Sometimes I just get out of the house looking for something to do, today I stopped at a few yard sales, but I didnt buy anything. I checked the mail and I came home.
Last week this mood hit me, and I decided to get out of the house and go look for something to do, but all that crossed my mind was places to eat, I went to the store intending to buy a bunch of junk food and get on a bender, but I didnt.
I know I need a job, or a hobby or to volunteer, but with the situation with my foot, I really dont think I can work right now. and besides, theres no jobs around here for me.
We dont have stores or fast food or shopping centers, close by, we are at least 20 to 30 miles from anything of that nature, or offices.
I have over 300 FB friends, and not sure how many SP friends.
But not ONE single real friend.
and believe me people, there is a huge difference between friends and FB friends.
A good many of them only want to be friends with you because they dont really like you, or they want to see your page so they can spy on someone you are friends with, or they want to see what about your life makes them feel better about theirs.
I get that,
I have been guilty of doing the same thing.
But, the way I feel right now, I dont really care and I know we are all just looking for one real friend.
I dont need 300. I need one. Who is real, who is genuine, who is flesh and blood and I dont have them.
I have had to come to terms with the fact that it must be me.
I must be needy or there must be something about my personality or maybe they dont want to be seen with me, or maybe I smell bad.
Whatever it is, I have had to accept it.
I am not depressed over it, I am not really sad, I dont hate them or really even care about them at all anymore.
It has sunk in that this is the way it is and so why hang on to those who dont want to hang onto me.
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