Wednesday, July 02, 2014
As some of you know by now, I have been having an issue with my foot for going on 2 weeks now.
Today, while doing some research I happened across a condition called tarsal tunnel syndrome.
Similar to Carpal tunnel of the hands. but this is in the feet.
After reading, I came to the conclusion, without medical support mind you, that this is what is wrong with my foot and the cause for my numbness.
One of the causes is an injury that doesnt heal right, such as I had with my broken metatarsal bone last year.
And pressure from a pinched nerve, or it could be the build up of the callus where the bone tried to heal itself without surgery.
One of the suggestions of the article is to stay off the foot and use ice and anti-inflammatories.
That is easier said than done.
But it does seem to be worse today. Yesteday it felt like my shoe was on the wrong foot and today it feels like a dead tree trunk in my shoe.
I fear falling more than life itself as I have fallen several times in the past.
Falling is a real fear for me and so I will stay off the foot as much as possible.
Hopefully I can speak with my doctor tomorrow and ask if she can arrange an appointment for some nerve tests soon.
But vacation is still on for this coming week and so that means I will have to limit my sight seeing by foot and hopefully just enjoy the sun from the beach chair.
I broke down and had my unruly frizzy hair cut today and I think it turned out pretty good.
short and sassy and manageable!!!
Here is hoping everyone has an enjoyable and healthy and safe holiday, I probably wont be on here alot the next week as tonight is Honey's last night and tomorrow begins vacation.
Much love to all!!!
Wednesday, July 02, 2014
I thought I had done poorly yesterday. I was feeling discouraged, but when I sat down and sparked all my food for the day, I found out I had eaten below my calorie level and still could have a snack, so I had a white chocolate strawberry yogurt and a cup of milk.
I think the reason I am feeling so discouraged is because I havent been able to walk. I wake up daily with the best intentions, but the fear of worsening the condition of my foot keeps me home.
Yesterday I walked a little going to and from car into stores. Have you ever accidently put your shoe on the wrong foot??
Well that is the only way I can explain how it feels, it feels off, like something foreign.
I know I should have gone to the doctor over this by now, it has been this way for 10 days now.
Numb in my toes.
Just a constant numbness,
In other news, the tropical storm/possible hurricane moving up the east coast, should be moved out of the Carolinas by Friday night. We arrive Sunday.
Here is hoping it takes its rain with it and we can enjoy this trip.
I should have known!!!
Fourth of July will be spent here at home, hopefully get to have a cookout, probably not with family though, seems my family are content to stay away from each other and stay indoors, cant blame them right now though, it was around 90 in the shade yesterday.
I need a haircut, I missed my chance with my girl, shes busy now and with the holiday approaching, I will probably end up having to go to Cost Cutters, where they dont know my hair and dont take the time to get to know it, they just wack on it and you leave feeling ripped off and ugly!!! lol.
Such is life, going to the beach with bushy bushy hair during a hurricane with a bum foot!!!
I will try to find some positive today.
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
By now I had hoped to be celebrating a minor loss and be psyched for vacation.
But I am not.
I am not prepared, I need to start packing and organizing, I am a firm believer in making lists and so far, I havent even done that.
Went shopping yesterday and just wasnt into it, couldnt think of anything I needed.
My mind is in a fog and my body is in a funk!!!
I had thought and hoped that the numbness in my foot was lessening. But I now think I am just getting used to it.
I have an appt with the ortho who treated my broken foot but it isnt until July 14.
So, I have this vacation coming in 5 days and I am torn, looking forward to seeing the ocean and relaxing on the beach.
But really dreading the packing, unpacking, repacking, unpacking again, the spending too much and eating too much and abbibing too much.
And then knowing that all that walking might lead to more problems.
Hopefully not, I havent walked in a week and it is bothering me both physically and emotionally.
When I dont walk and someone asks if I am walking, I feel like I am failing, them and myself.
But it isnt all dire.
I havent gained.
So that is something, right?!
Had such weird dreams last night, woke up to my phone going off at 630am, and got up, went to the bathroom and had all my walking gear laid out, then I heard that old famailiar sound, of rain hitting outside.
Where has all this rain come from???
Last year on our very first day at the beach, it began downpouring, rained all night and the next morning.
I got so down, here we had drove 8 hours, spent out the ying yang for our room, and were sitting inside watching rain.
But by the middle of the second day it stopped and we did enjoy ourselves.
I want to enjoy this trip, I hope the rain stays away while we are there.
I know this might be the last time we get to make this trip for a few years.
We have agreed, if Honey's job is still here, so many men around here being laid off, jobs being ripped away from men.
Well we agreed we will put as much into savings as we can and use what we have surplus to have our road paved.
Pay off as many bills as we can and get our debt down in order to have the road paved and that is very important for winter driving.
So, I want to enjoy this trip.
But I am so discouraged over my foot and worry.
Maybe by Sunday I will be in better spirits.
I just wish I could regain my focus.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
No matter what I do, I never feel like I am doing enough.
Or, I never feel like I am doing the right thing.
I have two good days then a bad day. the day after a bad day, I say ok, today is a new day, but is it really???
Can you really undo the damage of two bad days in four good days??
Other than making you feel better physically, but the emotional damage is still there.
I had a conversation today with a young man, my sons age, who is a nurse, and a fine young man, rides motorcycles and walks and enjoys life.
Yet he is so unhappy with his physical appearance, that he is comtemplating wls and I dont think he needs it.
Of course, I would not discourage him, I merely just told him of my own struggle with weight loss and how wls isnt an end to a problem.
it is just a beginning.
i just advised him to really work hard leading up to his surgery and make sure he works on the mental first.
now if only i could take my own advice.
i dont know how to do the physical most of the time.
i havent walked all week due to my foot, its still numb.
i am still wearing the bone growth stimulator at night, hoping to make it thru vacation with no worse problems.
not really knowing what caused it, pinched nerve???
no pain elsewhere.
my life is a daily uphill climb, always digging in and clawing to hang on.
lately i find every meal, every snack an emotional uphill climb.
as the days got close toward vacation and i realized i had slacked, and wasnt really going to catch up or lose any significant amount of weight, i guess i just decided not to stress over it.
but rather, to just put it on the back burner, but i never really do.
its always right there.
right in my face, in the mirror, in the refridge, in my numb foot, and in my clothes, in here, on sp, everywhere.
sometimes i wonder if i made the right decision or if my young friend knows more than i ???
Friday, June 27, 2014
A whole week without blogging!!!
That was a little much needed break for me from sparking. It becomes overwhelming for me from time to time.
Counting every bite and calorie.
Well needless to say, my big 5 pound loss two weeks ago has probably been forgotten.
I have been afraid to get back on the scale.
Stress eating and snacking mostly.
Spending the entire day at the hospital with my dad, trying to convince him to have the ct scan to try to find out what is causing his pain.
Only to have him refuse, the doctor stops his 2 hour intervals of morphine shots due to non-compliance, and my dad decides in the middle of the night hes coming home.
So, no one goes to get him, the next morning when the nurses come in, hes up sitting in a chair, fully dressed, including his shoes, which he swears he cannot put on by himself and makes my mother do this for him.
This from a man who only hours earlier, couldnt even move in his bed due to pain, screaming out and begging for someone to pull the sheets off his legs because he was in too much pain to reach down with his hand to do so!!!!
His biggest problem, giving up!!
He has decided at the age of 73 that he is done living and waiting for death, only thing is, they cant find anything actually wrong with him, so he has to live a while longer, laying in the hospital bed that my mother, the enabler, had delivered for him.
Next thing you know he will be wearing adult diapers, simply to save himself the annoyance of walking the 10 feet to the bathroom.
It has to be a sad life to not be dying but trying to convince the rest of the world that you are in such extreme pain that you cannot lay flat on a table for 8 minutes to have a ct scan.
On the drive home, with my little casears hot and ready by my side, all I could think about was, I dont want to live that way, and I dont want to die that way.
So, while I did eat a few slices and allowed my stress to get the better of me, I also had a salad and water and knew in my mind that I wasnt going down that way.
I do not want my son to have to feel obligated to sit in a hospital room all day long, staring at me while I lay there screaming in pain, real or imagined.
We cannot help real health battles such as cancer and other ailments that often occur in older age.
But we can make it less likely to happen by proper nutrition and exercise.
My parents idea of a healthy walk is to walk from the front door to the car and into the doctors office or pharmacy to get their grocery bag full of pills every month.
I have to say, I have also carried a bag of pills that size out of the drug store and felt like an idiot, praying no one passed by that knew me.
Pills for high blood pressure, swelling, pills for heartburn, which I could have cured by not eating junk late at night.
Pills for pain, pills for headaches, backaches, bone aches, which I was able to lessen by walking everyday and lifting weights.
Pills for stress, anxiety and depression.
on and on it goes.
Now I am down to one pill for pain.
one pill for depression. NONE for anxiety.
I find my stress is best relieved when I exercise. Which I havent been doing much of this week.
Sunday night, after a long soak in the tub, I get out to find my foot is asleep. Thinking it had to be from the way I was sitting for so long, but my foot never woke up.
So for the last 5 days, its been pretty much numb, tingling, pins and needles, up to my knee and the area around my knee as well.
I have an appointment with the ortho who treated my broken foot last year, not that I think theres anything he can do.
Maybe an MRI or some other tests will help to show if there is nerve damage, related to the broken foot???
I have been wearing the bone growth stimulator all week at night, and tens unit for 30 minutes in the evening.
Hoping to increase the blood flow to my leg.
Not really knowing if that is helping or not. So, I havent walked, not that it hurts, but I have been scared to walk with less feeling in my foot, afraid I might twist it or step wrong and end up worse off.
This is killing me!!! Mentally I mean. It doesnt hurt at all, just feels asleep all the time. I am sure its a pinched nerve.
My doctor had set up physical therapy for me over a month ago, but my stupid insurance had to get paperwork signed saying it wasnt an accident or injury that someone else might be responsible for.
So, no PT thus far. I am going to find out this week if they are going to approve it or not.
It sucks that I find myself in this predicament when I have tried so hard for 2 years or more to lose weight and walk and exercise.
That I end up having to change my program due to this whatever it is.
When people like my parents are content to sit on the couch eating junk food and popping pills for everything from high glucose to pain to heartburn to headache to rumble stomach!!!
I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THEM.
It bothers me every time I have to go to the doctor or have some tests done, I envision myself 20 years from now in the boat they are in and I vow I will not be there.
I will keep fighting til I have nothing left to fight with!!!!
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