Saturday, June 28, 2014
No matter what I do, I never feel like I am doing enough.
Or, I never feel like I am doing the right thing.
I have two good days then a bad day. the day after a bad day, I say ok, today is a new day, but is it really???
Can you really undo the damage of two bad days in four good days??
Other than making you feel better physically, but the emotional damage is still there.
I had a conversation today with a young man, my sons age, who is a nurse, and a fine young man, rides motorcycles and walks and enjoys life.
Yet he is so unhappy with his physical appearance, that he is comtemplating wls and I dont think he needs it.
Of course, I would not discourage him, I merely just told him of my own struggle with weight loss and how wls isnt an end to a problem.
it is just a beginning.
i just advised him to really work hard leading up to his surgery and make sure he works on the mental first.
now if only i could take my own advice.
i dont know how to do the physical most of the time.
i havent walked all week due to my foot, its still numb.
i am still wearing the bone growth stimulator at night, hoping to make it thru vacation with no worse problems.
not really knowing what caused it, pinched nerve???
no pain elsewhere.
my life is a daily uphill climb, always digging in and clawing to hang on.
lately i find every meal, every snack an emotional uphill climb.
as the days got close toward vacation and i realized i had slacked, and wasnt really going to catch up or lose any significant amount of weight, i guess i just decided not to stress over it.
but rather, to just put it on the back burner, but i never really do.
its always right there.
right in my face, in the mirror, in the refridge, in my numb foot, and in my clothes, in here, on sp, everywhere.
sometimes i wonder if i made the right decision or if my young friend knows more than i ???
Friday, June 27, 2014
A whole week without blogging!!!
That was a little much needed break for me from sparking. It becomes overwhelming for me from time to time.
Counting every bite and calorie.
Well needless to say, my big 5 pound loss two weeks ago has probably been forgotten.
I have been afraid to get back on the scale.
Stress eating and snacking mostly.
Spending the entire day at the hospital with my dad, trying to convince him to have the ct scan to try to find out what is causing his pain.
Only to have him refuse, the doctor stops his 2 hour intervals of morphine shots due to non-compliance, and my dad decides in the middle of the night hes coming home.
So, no one goes to get him, the next morning when the nurses come in, hes up sitting in a chair, fully dressed, including his shoes, which he swears he cannot put on by himself and makes my mother do this for him.
This from a man who only hours earlier, couldnt even move in his bed due to pain, screaming out and begging for someone to pull the sheets off his legs because he was in too much pain to reach down with his hand to do so!!!!
His biggest problem, giving up!!
He has decided at the age of 73 that he is done living and waiting for death, only thing is, they cant find anything actually wrong with him, so he has to live a while longer, laying in the hospital bed that my mother, the enabler, had delivered for him.
Next thing you know he will be wearing adult diapers, simply to save himself the annoyance of walking the 10 feet to the bathroom.
It has to be a sad life to not be dying but trying to convince the rest of the world that you are in such extreme pain that you cannot lay flat on a table for 8 minutes to have a ct scan.
On the drive home, with my little casears hot and ready by my side, all I could think about was, I dont want to live that way, and I dont want to die that way.
So, while I did eat a few slices and allowed my stress to get the better of me, I also had a salad and water and knew in my mind that I wasnt going down that way.
I do not want my son to have to feel obligated to sit in a hospital room all day long, staring at me while I lay there screaming in pain, real or imagined.
We cannot help real health battles such as cancer and other ailments that often occur in older age.
But we can make it less likely to happen by proper nutrition and exercise.
My parents idea of a healthy walk is to walk from the front door to the car and into the doctors office or pharmacy to get their grocery bag full of pills every month.
I have to say, I have also carried a bag of pills that size out of the drug store and felt like an idiot, praying no one passed by that knew me.
Pills for high blood pressure, swelling, pills for heartburn, which I could have cured by not eating junk late at night.
Pills for pain, pills for headaches, backaches, bone aches, which I was able to lessen by walking everyday and lifting weights.
Pills for stress, anxiety and depression.
on and on it goes.
Now I am down to one pill for pain.
one pill for depression. NONE for anxiety.
I find my stress is best relieved when I exercise. Which I havent been doing much of this week.
Sunday night, after a long soak in the tub, I get out to find my foot is asleep. Thinking it had to be from the way I was sitting for so long, but my foot never woke up.
So for the last 5 days, its been pretty much numb, tingling, pins and needles, up to my knee and the area around my knee as well.
I have an appointment with the ortho who treated my broken foot last year, not that I think theres anything he can do.
Maybe an MRI or some other tests will help to show if there is nerve damage, related to the broken foot???
I have been wearing the bone growth stimulator all week at night, and tens unit for 30 minutes in the evening.
Hoping to increase the blood flow to my leg.
Not really knowing if that is helping or not. So, I havent walked, not that it hurts, but I have been scared to walk with less feeling in my foot, afraid I might twist it or step wrong and end up worse off.
This is killing me!!! Mentally I mean. It doesnt hurt at all, just feels asleep all the time. I am sure its a pinched nerve.
My doctor had set up physical therapy for me over a month ago, but my stupid insurance had to get paperwork signed saying it wasnt an accident or injury that someone else might be responsible for.
So, no PT thus far. I am going to find out this week if they are going to approve it or not.
It sucks that I find myself in this predicament when I have tried so hard for 2 years or more to lose weight and walk and exercise.
That I end up having to change my program due to this whatever it is.
When people like my parents are content to sit on the couch eating junk food and popping pills for everything from high glucose to pain to heartburn to headache to rumble stomach!!!
I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THEM.
It bothers me every time I have to go to the doctor or have some tests done, I envision myself 20 years from now in the boat they are in and I vow I will not be there.
I will keep fighting til I have nothing left to fight with!!!!
Friday, June 20, 2014
I have been watiing til late night to blog. But today I decided to go for it early, maybe it will help me to stay motivated.
I havent walked now for 2 days and I am really beating myself up about it.
I knew rain was coming last night and today so why I didnt walk yesterday morning, was the threat of rain.
Let me explain a little. Rain does not bother me, I dont mind rain and wouldnt even mind walking in a light drizzle. But the track where I walk, for some reason, is slippery when wet.
To the point of scary slick.
It must be the paint they coated it with. It is slick like slime. But all that aside, I will find time today to get in a workout, weights and bands and the machine I have come to loathe!!!
I decided to have some eggs this morning to get some protein to start the day.
I am going to focus on protein today.
I get so overwhelmed. This has happened to me before to the point that I stopped sparking for weeks.
JUST TOO MUCH. Constantly focusing on what I eat, how it tracks, how many nutrients does it have, etc.
It consumes me.
So from time to time I have to just step back and take a short break from tracking my food and fitness points.
I just have to focus on my health and not on points and calories.
Walking is my thing, I go there not only for weight and fitness, but for my peace of mind. My ME time.
Listen to my music and just forget everything else. That doesnt always work because we carry everything inside us, we carry out stresses and emotions with us and there are so many that come out of me when I am walking.
I find answers and sometimes I find more questions.
Speaking of walking NO ONE gave me any suggestions for some new music to add.
Sometimes I feel like just not blogging either because I get one or two comments, makes me feel like a waste of time when no one is reading.
I am guilty of not always taking the time to read blogs. I cant judge anyone else.
I just sometimes feel all alone over here.
Today I guess the rain will keep me inside, I have a new book to read, was going to save it for the beach, but with the little one going with us, I am sure I will be too busy having fun.
Hope everyone has a great day.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
To begin, just get it over with. I went over my calories today.
But I didnt eat any junk. I just had finished my food for the day, then I wasnt finished, so I had more food and sent me over by 300 calories.
I could make excuses and say I did this or that, but truth is, I was just straight up hungry.
I wondered earlier in the day if it might be my supplements making me hungry. I was fine before I took them, then I got really hungry.
Anyone else have this???
I took iron--vitamin d---womens one a day---calcium---fish oil---aldactone---and metformin.
I just flat out got hungry and I had a good lunch, a good dinner, then a little more dinner.
So, this is how the day went.
No walk and too many calories.
Other than that, it was just a little stress.
A big rain storm.
Not stressing out over what I cant change.
Maybe tomorrow will be totally different.
Thats all for now.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Ok, three quick things before I get onto the blog.
1. I need new music for my playlists for when I walk. I am not really so much into the poppy stuff that gets air time, so if anyone has any suggestions for some good upbeat music please let me know.
2. I am quickly approaching my points limit and wondering what happens once you reach the top??? I suppose I will reset my whole program, and will let everyone know if I make a new account.
3. I finally solved the mystery as to why my calcium was so high on my tracker, When I manually added my whey protein shake mix, I put the calcium content as 280 when it was really 150!!!
Got that straightened out.
Ok, now the blog-----
After a stressful night...(((broken tanning bed acrylic....that I have only had 3 months!!!)))
I was just falling down into a stress filled depression, anger, feeling like a big fat fatty!!!
I guess it was probably scratched up some, maybe even a slight crack under the surface that I just couldnt see or feel.
But it made me feel like a failure, like I was too fat to lay in a tanning bed!!!
I felt better today. Got up and went for my morning walk and it was a good one, the best walks for me are the ones where I can work out a solution to a problem or at least work it out that I have done my best and not to dwell on things I cant change, or at least cant change overnight.....then I came home and have eaten pretty healthy and pretty close to on track all day.
And after thinking it thru, I decided NOT to get on the scale this week.
Last week I lost 5 pounds and I was just scared to face a possible gain.
While I have done OK this week, I havent done great.
So, I am going to buckle down this week and work harder and wait til next week to check my weight.
Supposed to get rain tomorrow so I am probably going to just have to stick to the elliptical and weights.
I am noticing a pattern, late evening or late night hunger.
Now, be it real hunger or something else????
Trying to get ready for vacation???
So the countdown continues.....
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