Thursday, May 29, 2014
I spent all day Tuesday depressed and down. I really dont know why other than SAD, the sunny days we had disappeared and were replaced with doom and gloom and dark clouds and rain.
The place where I live is surrounded by trees, its very wooded and while we get alot of evening sun, the day is usually spent searching out the sun.
Yesterday was better, I spent the day getting my hair done, stopped off at the grocery store and made it back to my car with seconds to spare before the rain hit hard. Thankfully my doo was spared.
I sat in my car for probably 20 minutes, allowing the downpour to soften then I came home and made a frozen pizza.
Yes, I know, not the best choice, but I have cooked every night for a week or more and I was just tired.
Now today, its rainy and overcast again and I am not depressed, but just very unmotivated for the task I had planned to tackle today.
I had really hoped to wake to see the sun peaking thru and the clouds passing on so I could go and get a good morning walk in and then come back to start cleaning and organizing.
It is only 5 weeks til vacation and I cannot wait to be on the beach, I just hope we see sun all the while.
Last year our whole first night and day there it poured, the lifeguards had put out the warning flags so no one could go in the water.
I am really struggling with my mind and how to eat.
I have gotten to the point that every bite I take I instantly regret, this morning I ate 1 piece of deli sliced ham and I thought I was cheating, why not an orange, why not a healthy meal??
I was just hungry and grabbed the ham from the fridge and while I know it isnt calorie laden or full of sugar, etc, my brain wants to convince me that I was wrong for eating it.
I have been getting my wires and signals crossed alot here lately when it comes to eating.
My mind is telling me to go for the honey bun and who has time to chop up spinach or slice tomatoes.
But a slice of ham is bad!!!
I feel I am falling into a bad pattern for eating and forgetting what is healthy and just going for the easy.
I know better and I have the healthy food here.
I have veggies and lean meats and chicken and fish, so why do I feel like every morsel I eat is wrong and that eating at all is bad????
When did this way of thinking suddenly slip into my brain again???
I wonder if the SAD is playing a role in this, as we eat when we are down and depressed, but I am NOT eating intentionally because every bite I eat makes me mad at myself, I have to find a happy medium and stop beating myself up over eating.
I was having a conversation last night with a friend about WLS and I told her sometimes I feel like going ahead with the band, even though I swore 2 years ago I wouldnt go back to that.
She told me about a cousin they had just lost this week, he had gastric bypass 2 weeks ago and died from complications.
I dont even want to consider that as an alternative, I made that hard choice 2 years ago and I was doing so good, now I am lost again and dont know how to get back on track.
And its all mental.
I wonder if this isnt how bulimics feel???
So, I am going to jump off this computer, do my dishes and laundry and hopefully by afternoon I will be out of this slump and onto the task I had scheduled for today, moving some boxes and organizing some stuff out of two bedrooms and maybe, hopefully bringing myself to dump some of it for the trash truck.
Right after I find myself something healthy to eat.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
I am feeling accomplished and pretty good this day, I have the exercise endorphins going and I am ready to tackle my house work!!
I got on the scale today and I have lost 3 pounds!!!
I am only 15.3 lbs away from being back down to the weight I was before I started gaining again.
This is a good thing. I found that pic I thought I had lost, of my standing on the scale, with that great number taken the day before I broke my foot.
I long for the day when I can take another snapshot of me on the scale with an even lower number.
People say, dont lose weight too fast or you wont keep it off, hmm, I wonder if they would consider 16 months too fast, lol.
But all joking aside, I keep setting small goals, and I am realistic when I set them. I dont imagine or envision myself as a super skinney model, but I imagine myself healthy and happy in my body.
I imagine myself shopping for clothes where my number one goal isnt to cover my belly, but to feel good in how I look.
That day is coming people, for me and for you too!!!
I have been going back to the track early of the mornings, I find that putting it off til later in the day usually leaves me checking the weather forecast too much and seeing it as more of a chore than a fun activity.
I have even been walking some of the steeper hills again, slowly adding that back into my walking routine.
I know I really need to amp up my calorie burn.
But I am feeling good about the number on the scale, people will tell you that numbers on the scale arent that important, but believe me, once you begin to lose weight and once you have gone so long in between losses such as I have, you really appreciate the numbers.
For me it is incentive to work harder, to make sure I do every thing I can, eat healthy, drink my water, sleep, take my vitamins and work out, just to see a lower number again.
This is my ultimate goal, to see lower and even lower numbers on the scale.
I started this whole process in May 2012, with a number in my head. And while I am still a long way from that number, and maybe I will never get there, I can see it a little more clearly from here.
Goals====hard work, alot of time, patience, prayer if you believe that helps, meditation and relaxation, not beating yourself up too much, inspirational people and thoughts.
And really one step at a time.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
I have been going back thru some old emails and sparkmail and cannot believe that I have some going back as far as 2010. Must have just started using SP.
I was just sitting here thinking, as I was deleting old junk, DELETE!!!
Wouldnt life be so much easier, if we could just take a look at some event in our lives and then hit delete and its gone????
Wouldnt our hearts ache less for those who we have loved and lost, those who have passed away.
Some painful event, just hit delete.
It reminds me of that movie with Jim Carrey, where he wants to stop hurting, so he is programmed to slowly begin forgetting, and as his memories fade, he realizes, he wants them back.
As painful as some things in our lives are, we cannot delete them, we can never really forget them.
Maybe the people with dementia and Alzheimers dont really forget them either.
Maybe they just keep them silently locked away inside the mind.
Last night I accidently clicked on an old email, not knowing what it was and there was a pic of an old friend who I no longer see or speak to and I asked myself. "If you could go back and change things, would you"?
I have asked myself that countless times and the answer is yes and no.
As bad as I have hurt in my life over the loss of people, I wouldnt change knowing them, I wouldnt change sharing a small part of my life with them.
I also ask myself that about my weight, if I could go back to my 20s when I was still at a reasonable weight, what would I do differntly.
Of course, diet and exercise and not drinking and making wiser choices then would have made my life alot easier.
But life isnt easy.
There is no EASY button!!!
And dwelling on the past and hanging on to things and words from the past doesnt change the past.
We are who we are because of the decisions we make, we are who we are because of what we are able to hold on to or let go of.
Driving yesterday, this same old friend crossed my mind and I wondered why this one person, out of all the people I have known, wont go away???
Well, they did go away, I mean, why cant I let them go?
Our friendship at that time meant no more to me than any other friendship I have had.
I have had friends who I was much closer to and moved on from without much fanfare.
i wonder if its because this person was there for me during the time of my biggest weight loss, they were a positive influence, always listening to me and encouraging me and telling me how great I was doing.
It wasnt until they stopped speaking to me, responding to calls, or texts that I realized how much I had enjoyed being friends with them, and I think what has bothered me isnt the loss of them so much as the fact I have had to ask myself why and I turned it inward, had to be something I did.
Something I said.
But in the long run, its a gone friendship and in the end I know I am better off, seeing them from the outside looking in, I see the flaws I missed.
The condescending attitude and the careless way they treated others.
They were too materialistic and had no respect for their own family, so what made me think I was so special.
Well anyway, it is time to realize, with memories, you cant just hit the delete button.
Time to move on ahead.
But try as I might I cant let go for some reason, so I have to live my life with the memory of them, and hope that sooner or later their light fades.
Today my son celebrates 3 years of being clean and drug free and its a good day.
If the rain stays away, I plan to go walking later and be happy to be alive and able bodied enough to walk and eat healthy, as yesterday was a good day, so I will strive for today to be good also.
No more saving things I dont need, or people who dont need me!!!
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Today, as of 7:19pm, has been a really good healthy day!!!
I just finished dinner and sparking my food and still have my snack for later, and walked an hour and feel really good.
The only problem I am seeing is that I seem to be going over my calcium, by alot.
I just noticed this high HIGH number of calcium and am wondering why in all the time I have been drinking alot of milk, the calcium number was never ever this high and if this number is correct. I went back thru my food trackers and on days when I had 3 glasses of milk, my calcium was showing as around 125, now, its showing as well over 500.
Yes, I had some beans and spinach, but.....really, 546 calcium???
I guess, maybe its correct now and wasnt then, but it just doesnt sound right that it changed that much.
Anyway....got my walk in, and feeling pretty good. Got on the scale this morning and of course....even steven strikes again, but I guess I would rather see even than gain.
But I am beginning to get a little tired of not seeing a loss, I hadnt even planned to get on the scale today, but it was right there by my foot, lol.
Yes, today so far has been pretty good, I havent snacked, I havent cheated, I have just eaten healthy and I am full.
and a little sweaty and looking forward to a nice bath!!!
Sunday, May 18, 2014
After confessing my sins, (eating alot of junk food) yesterday, I decided to revamp my SP program.
So, I weighed and for the first time in a while, I updated my weight and my goals.
I set the next goal for vacation, and while I have no outrageous goal of losing super amounts of weight before vacation, I do hope to just continue eating healthy and working out as much as I can before vacation and during and after.
For those who are thinking along those lines, set a goal for a date, vacation, birthday, etc, and then thinking once they meet that goal they can just go back to the way they ate before. FORGET IT!!!
It doesnt work that way, it is a never-ending lifetime committment, and I am not saying that to try to make it sound scary, its no different than smoking or drinking or any other lifestyle change, it is just a new way of viewing food and what and how and when we eat.
I make mistakes, so will you, everyone does.
But for today, I havent made any mistakes. I did go over my calories, (the new calorie setting SP set for me) today, but, its ok, all the foods I have eaten are healthy and full of vitamins and the minerals my body needs.
I have gotten in a minimal amount of exercise today, but I have been very productive, cleaning and doing some much needed organizing around here.
Yes, today has been a successful day.
I only set the vacation date goal, as to have a day to work toward. I really just want to be healthy and have more stamina during vacation, 2 years ago I was so big and fat during a very very hot weekend trip to the Smokies, I mostly stayed in the car or the hotel.
Walking in that heat nearly did me in, it was not long after that I decided to buckle down and get real.
Last summer, while I was basically 50 pounds lighter and basically the same weight I am currently, I was healthier and would probably have been able to walk alot more, but due to my broken foot earlier in the year.......etc.
This summer vacation, I just really want to be able to enjoy walking and seeing some sights and hopefully healthy enough that I dont hold the others back.
I know its only 8 weeks away, I know I am not going to lose a HUGE lot of weight by then.
I will be happy to lose any amount, because I havent been lately.
It is just time to buckle down and get real again.
Time to stop living in the past and looking ahead to the future.
AND THE BEACH!!!!
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