Sunday, May 11, 2014
So, it is Mother's Day, sooooo?
I know this isnt going to be a popular blog, but, not everyone has a mother they can be close to. Not everyone has a mother who they can spend time with, without strife and conflict and feeling depressed later.
I wish my mother and I were closer. Yes, I called her, and yes I had planned to spend some time with her today, but my sister and I have an unspoken pact, that we each have to be there to act as a buffer or at least so each of us doesnt have to hear about how awful the other sister is.
So, I got to hear about all the aches and pains and my dad in the back ground with his comments and input. And I should do this and I should do that, and oh by the way, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, I learned that they were both well aware of that one.
How they found it out, hmmm, who knows.
Doctors are a big thing in their lives and they apparently want to keep track of everyone elses appointments as well.
There is nothing I can say except, it is what it is.
There have been horrible feuds between myself and them at times, and between my sister and them as well. and my brother, well, you get the point.
They are aging and yes, they both have health issues, but I wonder sometimes how much of it is real and how much is improvised.
So anyway, no loving family dinners or going out to a nice restaurant for me today.
I have been doing laundry and cleaning up from last nights supper, I was just way too tired to do it last night.
Having run nonstop for 3 days and have to go again tomorrow, so now the laundry is finished and I am going to spend the rest of the day watching Netflix, lay in the tanning bed and treat myself to a nice mani/pedi, courtesy of myself.
Where is my son today you might ask, well, he works night shift and gets home at 7 am, so he messaged me on FB this morning when he got off work and told me HMD and he loved me and was going to bed.
I really am not that bothered by not doing up a big family gathering or cooking or going out.
I guess it should bother me, and people would say, spend time with your mother while you can, etc, but like I said, not all families have this tight knit loving bond.
Some are just lucky to tolerate each other and for me personally, maybe it is a personal issue, I am not a lovey dovey person who is given to nostalgia and moments of deepness.
In fact, maybe its a personal problem, but I dread these days, I dread birthdays and anniversaries and MD/FD, any time I am expected to call and give well wishes.
I just cant wait to get it over with.
Maybe I have some kind of anti-social personality or maybe I am just a loner.
Have been taking care of puppy, she is doing pretty good, so far, she wants to try to lick but I had to put the cone on her, it isnt 100 percent preventing her from licking and I am concerned shes going to start scratching at the stitches.
Well, I am tired from all the running, but I keep waking up super early, Sunday morning and I wake up at 7 am!!!
And right back out to the doctor tomorrow, I know my weight is up and I have got my hormone test results to discuss with her and get this appointment behind me, and then hopefully I can rest for a few days.
Friday, May 09, 2014
The famous final scene!!!
The song by Bob Seger, has been in my head all day. I woke up very early, again, and depressed.
I have been really tired today and knowing I have to get up again early tomorrow and go get my dog from her surgery.
Monday back to the doctor, and at least I got my lab results back so I can go over them with her. Still no results of the ultrasound. I guess I am in menopause. That is really the only thing I can figure out by reading these hormone level results. Yes, PCOS can mess up your hormone levels as well.
But I am sure this is what they are going to tell me, based on my hormone levels.
It doesnt really bother me that much. Yes there is this feeling of finality. Like, ok, that phase of my life is over and yet I feel this longing, not that I ever ever wanted more children.
But I guess its the fact of knowing I couldnt even if I wanted and taking my dog to be spayed all in the same day of getting these results, makes me feel a little like I have taken something from her as well.
What is bothering me the most is my sense deep down inside of the last link to my girlhood.
Not childhood, but being a GIRL. My friend had an older boyfriend many years ago and every time we seen him, he would say " Here's the girls".
I am no longer a girl.
When you are young all you want is to be a woman. To be grown, to grow up.
Now, I have this feeling of just wishing I could be a girl again.
I have known for some time that this was coming and with the last few months of my cycle being messed up, dry skin, dry hair, my vitamin d being messed up, etc. I am not at all surprised or taken aback that my hormone levels are what they are.
Out of all of it, what is bothering me the most is knowing that this is really messing with my ability to lose weight.
This overall is the biggest factor in my weight loss stopping. I cannot get my hormones leveled out and I cannot find the right balance.
All I think about from daylight to dark is what I eat. Am I walking, did I eat too many calories, drink my water, getting the right vitamins. Will this morsel of food put me over my calories, how many grams of fat is in this, what about protein?????
It has become an never ending job to count calories, and feel depressed and sad and messed up and failing because I didnt eat as healthy as I should.
I shouldnt have had that snack.
I should have walked longer, I should have lost a pound by now, why am I not losing a pound, even one little pound?????
I am feeling so seriously depressed. I am 46 and what happens next?
I have a small glimmer of hope in my life, and while I wont go into detail, I dont want to get my hopes up too high, because the fall is way too far and my bones are getting old and when they break, they take much longer to heal.
I just want the 20th to come and go so I can get it behind me and be done.
Then will come the wait and see. More fear, more stress, more what ifs.
And I dont want to have to have surgery to lose weight, so I am to the point now that I either have to work 3 times harder and maybe fail and not lose any weight, or just be satisfied with where I am and how much I weigh and be done with all of this.
But I feel like I am up against a wall.
This is what is bothering me.
I dont wanna grow up!!!!
Thursday, May 08, 2014
Early blog this morning. No walk today, my feet have been killing me so I decided to take a break today.
Yesterday after my walk, we got some work done.
Got the dishwasher taken out, it wasnt draining properly and the standing water was a health hazard, not to mention, stinky.
I dont miss it, I never used it.
So, now I get to replace it with a cabinet or some much needed drawer space.
Got the hot water heated checked and yes indeed, it was set to the lowest energy saving setting. Well, I am sorry, but I have to have some hot water. So we turned it up about 30 degrees. And that was part of the problem.
We have good water pressure in the sinks now, but not the showers so much, I believe its the shower heads, so today I am going to buy a cheap, one setting only shower head and see if the water pressure increases.
Didnt get the outdoor cooling unit wired up, but we did get a window ac to do for now.
Tore one small section of the carpet back to see that the kitchen flooring continued on thru and began the process of pulling up carpet. Only to discover about 2 foot in, that it did not go all the way thru.
So, back down went the carpet.
As much hard work as I know its going to be, now I will get to put down the floating hardwood laminate that I wanted to begin with, and will continue it down the hall to the bedroom!!!
Yeah, for Victory!!
Might be next spring before we do this, but it will be done the way I wanted.
So, we did accomplish a little.
Many more jobs to do, but its all good, the sun is here and gives me incentive to get outside in the early mornings. I need some items for the place, a microwave and a microwave cart. Some storage to serve as a pantry.
I am still waiting to see if my morning glories are going to bloom soon.
Hoping to have a nice healthy lunch with honey today. As this weekend is going to be a stressful one.
Whatever possessed me to schedule my dogs spay surgery the same weekend as Mothers Day???
So she has to be at the vet at 9 am tomorrow and pick up on Saturday.
Alot done, alot more to do and I just hope I can stay on the right track with my eating and walking. It was such good news about my vitamin d that I do not plan on ever letting it get that low again.
I am sure it will drop some when the sun is no longer a daily option, because the problem seemed to be in the absorption in my intestines.
Doc thinks its probably related to the removal of my gallbladder some years ago and that my body speeds up the process of digestion, not allowing the vitamins time to properly absorb.
You would think I would be super skinney if that is the case.
Well, I hope you all have a nice day and hope the sun is shining where you are.
Wednesday, May 07, 2014
I got some good news today. It was so good in fact, that I am almost scared to believe it, my lab work came back and my vitamin d is up to 72.3!!!
This is such fantastic news, its so hard for me to believe it, because in December it was only 19.
I guess taking high doses of D3 daily, and drinking lots of milk, eating fish and mushrooms and getting outside in the sun, now that we have sun, has been working.
I wonder if the tanning bed helped any?
Well either way, its up and I hope it stays up. I got so excited about it that I forgot to ask about all my other levels. The tech just said all was normal, but I like to have the actual number.
So, I am going tomorrow to get a copy of all the levels and a report on my ultrasound.
I got a tiny bit of other good news, well, right now its still in the planning stages and I dont want to jinx it by sharing too much too soon.
I will just say, if it works out the way I pray it does, I will be one happy person!!!
I will keep the rest under wraps for now.
But anyway, its a nice day here, the sun is shining and its supposed to be in the 90s. The fact that my outside cooling unit isnt hooked up or serviced yet doesnt even bother me that much. I will go to the old house where I still have window ac's and cool off.
I was on the walking track at 830 this morning and my bones just werent cooperating. I was stiff and sore and achy.
But I pushed on thru an hour, after stretching and sitting in the sun awhile.
Early morning walks are once again required with the hot days ahead, but I dont mind the sun to much now.
I know what good it does for my bones.
Have a nice day to all and stay the course!!!
Tuesday, May 06, 2014
ok for some reason the link keeps going to the bottom, try this one and see if it works. thanks.
Has anyone read this? See, this is my love hate relationship with the Biggest Loser and any of the other "weight loss quick" shows.
You all know, well most of you, who have lost a significant amount of weight, and especially if you are over a certain age, that your body doesnt miraculously get tight and toned such as they want us to think it does on the BL.
While I know they work out alot, like training for the Olympics workout, they still arent going to go from 450 pounds to 180 and not have some skin and some other visible signs of the loss.
I know I have blogged about this before, but this isnt a crapshoot show, they DO NOT pick people at random.
This is how they are able to bring us the heart wrenching back stories of some of the contestants.
They are examined, etc long before the show.
They have experts who pick and choose the contestants they believe they can show as fit and toned and not the ones who are going to be jiggly.
At any rate, they need to stop pretending to the home viewers that they too can look this way and not ever have to have surgery to help remove skin and that their bodies will be prefectly toned and no scars and life will be sunshine and roses.
They have past contestants come on to encourage and you can see that some of them have gained some of their weight back, which is typical especially if you lose it so quickly.
The girl they had on this past season who lost so much weight, that was scary.
The biggest incentive for them to lose the weight is money.
That is not a good reason in my opinion, yes, we all need money and some way more than others, but when she went home and came back, she looked sickly, almost anorexic.
This is not a good way for her to have lost the weight, and probably she has gained some back.
Anyway, this story is inspiring and sad all at once, that this woman lost all this weight on her own, and then her pic was rejected because who wants to see the truth right??
No one wants to admit that this is what happens to our bodies after a significant amount of weight loss.
This is probably one reason that holds alot of people back from really going for it.
Fear of having loose hanging skin.
Fear of having to have plastic surgery and even bigger fear of not getting approval for it.
There is a plastic surgeon here in my town, and he only really does surgeries on patients who have the WLS at the hospital he works from. In fact, they only brought him here once they started doing alot of WLS here, to keep people from going elsewhere for the surgery.
I recall when I made the choice not to have WLS, the surgeon told me that if I was lucky enough to lose any weight on my own that my insurance wouldnt cover my reconstructive surgery since it wasnt related to WLS.
I said oh well, and left her office and never looked back and I am happy with that decision.
I am often left shaking my head at the decision of some and most insurance companies not to pay for these surgeries.
Well any way that is my rant for the day.
I have so many other things I could rant about but I will save it for tomorrow, its so hot in here.
That is one of my rants, the heat and lack of having my a/c unit fixed yet!!!
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