Friday, April 11, 2014
I wasnt sure I should share, for fear of "THE BIG JINX", but today, I got on the scale, to find a whopping 4 lb loss.
I am not sure which one of you snuck into my bathroom and changed my scale, but thanks.
I have been wondering for some time, why oh why my scale wasnt moving downward. Broken maybe?
Because my body is saying, "Hey, look here, your skin is looser here, your skin is looser here, your pants fit better here".
So the numbers werent reflecting that.
So according to my plan to get a pedicure as a reward for a 10 pound weight loss, I am down to just 6 toes left to go.
I wonder how much toes weigh anyway???
Rain on the way here today, I have to give my son a ride to his meeting tonight since his girlfriend has their car, maybe if it isnt pouring rain and not too dark, I might be able to squeeze in a quick walk. I was thinking of doing a power walk inside, we have no mall here so mall walking is out.
I wonder if people would find it funny to see a woman power walking around the grocery store on a Friday evening?
Naw, they would probably just think its a mom on her way home from work running late, grabbing up dinner items.
Speaking of work--I need a job!!!!
Happy Weekend sparkers.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Feeling a little better today.
Not stressing over the lack of weight loss. Feeling like I am doing everything I can. Well, to be honest, yes, I could be working out harder and I will.
I have been in the middle of cleaning, is it spring? cleaning? well, maybe, its discarding junk I no longer need.
Have gotten puppy a play yard, in which she spends a lot of time on the front porch, she has lots of room to run and play and is safe there.
However, when I bring her back inside, she must want to mark her places, because the pads are often overlooked, this is becoming a problem.
I just dont know what to do about it anymore.
Today was a decent day overall, I walked, only 35 minutes, I was lucky to do that, the wind was whipping my hair so hard, I couldnt stand it and of course I had taken my hair bands out of my car.
Anyway, I have stayed inside calorie range today, walked, cleaned, sat outside and tried to enjoy the spring day.
If I could just get puppy straightened out with the pad use it would be a much better day.
A little back and neck pain, but I am dealing with it.
Have been getting plenty of sleep this week, going to bed at at least 11 and sleeping, and sleeping, seems my body is on overload for catching up.
Ridding the bedroom of some unneeded junk seems to have helped some.
Wednesday, April 09, 2014
I have a friend who posted that she has lost 30 pounds.
I have a friend who has posted that he has lost 13 pounds, in 2 weeks.
All around me, i see people sharing their fortune, and happiness about their weight loss.
and I sit here, asking, why not me?
Why can I NOT lose a single pound?
What am I not doing, what am I doing wrong, what can I do differently?
I am counting calories.
Eating zero junk food.
Eating very little bread.
No deep fried foods.
I am getting my protein.
Drinking my water.
What is going on? I wonder if my body has gone into some kind of protective mode and is hanging on to fat.
I just dont understand this.
If it were a month or two I could see it and say I just need to work a little harder and eat a little less.
But I havent lost a single pound in a year.
I gained 16 last year.
After having lost 70 in 2012.
Now, well into 2014 and I am right where I was a year ago.
No harm no foul?????
No, that isnt true, its very harmful to my mind, to my self esteem, to my ability to keep trying.
I sometimes sit here and just feel like getting in my car and going to the nearest fast food place and eating burgers and fries and chocolate cake and shakes and then going to buy a case of beer.
I mean, whats the point in counting calories and watching every morsel and walking and living in this constant state of why why why.
When its getting me no where.
I have only tried prescription diet pills once.
A doctor put me on phentermine and of course I didnt lose a single pound then either.
I dont want to go that route, with supplements and such.
Whey protein is about as close to a supplement as I try.
Vitamins, fish oil, vitamin d and calcium and iron tablets and fiber.
So, what is going on, I have to go back to my doctor in May and am going to ask her to please do some advanced testing on me, hormones, and such to see if there is something I am missing.
I honestly just dont know what else to do.
Adding some more weights to see if that might help, trying to get outdoors more and be a little more active.
Cutting back on coffee.
Trying to add more walking, since the weather is improving, I have been walking a little more.
I am at a loss, but not for pounds!!!!
I dread getting on the scale and so I havent really been tracking my weight on here.
When I do see a pound gone, it is always back before the next weigh in.
I fluctuate 2 to 3 pounds every week or two.
with no real results, the scale just isnt going down.
I am going to cut another 100 calories per day out of my diet and see if that shows any results and add more veggies.
I started this week with a chard, kale, spinahch spring mix and peppers.
So tonight I am going to make myself a healthy spring salad with some tuna.
Yes, I do know HOW to eat healthy, and exercise.
Weight loss is just hiding from me right now for some reason, I have got to get it back!!
I promised myself a pedicure when I lost 10 pounds, at this rate I will never get it.
Sunday, April 06, 2014
Does anyone remember that sketch from SNL, with Chris Kattan and Will Ferrell, where they are in a bar dancing, trying to pick up women???
And that song, "what is love, dont hurt me dont hurt me, no more"
When someone judges every word you say, when someone puts you down and says you are stupid and cant even figure out how to use a remote control. When someone tells you you should be happy you dont have any grandchildren, because you are so crazy, you would probably stab them with a knife. When they count every penny you spend and tell you that they dont trust you, that is NOT love.
When you are at your lowest and weakest and hurting and feel like your very heart is going to pound out of your body, and they tell you they love you, that IS NOT love.
No one will hurt you, or abuse you emotionally or psychologically, if they love you.
They will not scream at you, cuss you, and throw reminders of past wrongs in your face if they love you.
And if you do this to yourself, then you are also only hurting yourself.
Forgiveness has to be first and foremost before moving on.
But when someone says, I am sorry, it wont happen again and lets work it out and move on FROM HERE.
And a month or a year later, they start saying the same things, hurtful, mean, cruel words to wound your heart, and to belittle you, and to take away from your spirit as a human being, and to make you feel less than human, less than zero.
That is not love.
Love yourself above anyone, even your own parents, even your own children.
Put yourself first, it isnt SELF ISH, its SELF PRESERVATION.
When someone bitches you out and screams at you and calls you a liar, and a thief and says you are taking away from them, they do not love you.
When they go and spent 1200 dollars on an item, and say they did it for you, even when you tell them not to and say you dont want it or need it, and then they throw it in your face every day, that is not love.
They did not buy you that item to see happiness in your eyes, or a smile on your face, or love in your heart, to make you feel good about yourself, they did it, in order to have more fodder to add to their fire.
To say, SEE WHAT YOU HAVE TAKEN FROM ME!!!
Take nothing from no one.
Do not ask for anything, do not expect anything, do not wish for anything.
Just do for yourself.
Just preserve your own emotions, and heart and mind and psyche.
Do not allow yourself to be put thru hell here on this earth by someone who proclaims to love you and then treats you as if you were a dog they could tie to a tree and feed when they wish to.
Kick you when you are down and already hurting and already wishing you were dead!!!!
One day, you may know love again, but you do not know self love, you have to love yourself before anyone else can or will.
You must find light inside you.
Do not depend on others for love, or for kindness or for friendship or for a roof over your head or food in your belly or anything.
There comes a time when you have to decide if its worth someone wounding you daily with the sharpness of a serpents tounge just to eat.
I think when you get to that point, you really have become a dog tied to a tree.
Begging for a few scraps and a little love.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Saturday, April 05, 2014
Last night I just couldnt sleep. Yesterday started out good then went down hill very fast.
Bad rainy windy weather didnt help to lift my mood very much.
Seems the old saying is true, when it rains it pours, and I aint just talking about the weather.
But, there is nothing one can do.
I used to be a very bad worrier, sit and stress over the situation, or in this case, several bad situations all at once.
And while its only human nature to worry and wonder some, I cant do one damn thing to change it so why worry so much.
It is what it is and it aint what it aint, its life and its love and it aint gonna change!!!
So, last night I was wired up and had so much adrenaline running thru me from all the events of the day that I just couldnt sleep, I had the ceiling fan on, due to it being just a tad warm, woke up to find it damp and chilly.
So, dressed in a hoodie and sweats, I lit the kerosene heater, was hoping that was behind me along with the winter.
But as the day warmed some, I went walking, in my walking capris and tshirt.
I walked for an hour and ran into my best friend, he and his family were at the park, so he walked 2 laps with me.
So, now I am home and took puppy out to play, soon its gonna be bath time, I am gonna try out my great new shampoo and then watch Netflix all night and hopefully sleep will come easier tonight and stress will leave faster.
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