Wednesday, April 09, 2014
I have a friend who posted that she has lost 30 pounds.
I have a friend who has posted that he has lost 13 pounds, in 2 weeks.
All around me, i see people sharing their fortune, and happiness about their weight loss.
and I sit here, asking, why not me?
Why can I NOT lose a single pound?
What am I not doing, what am I doing wrong, what can I do differently?
I am counting calories.
Eating zero junk food.
Eating very little bread.
No deep fried foods.
I am getting my protein.
Drinking my water.
What is going on? I wonder if my body has gone into some kind of protective mode and is hanging on to fat.
I just dont understand this.
If it were a month or two I could see it and say I just need to work a little harder and eat a little less.
But I havent lost a single pound in a year.
I gained 16 last year.
After having lost 70 in 2012.
Now, well into 2014 and I am right where I was a year ago.
No harm no foul?????
No, that isnt true, its very harmful to my mind, to my self esteem, to my ability to keep trying.
I sometimes sit here and just feel like getting in my car and going to the nearest fast food place and eating burgers and fries and chocolate cake and shakes and then going to buy a case of beer.
I mean, whats the point in counting calories and watching every morsel and walking and living in this constant state of why why why.
When its getting me no where.
I have only tried prescription diet pills once.
A doctor put me on phentermine and of course I didnt lose a single pound then either.
I dont want to go that route, with supplements and such.
Whey protein is about as close to a supplement as I try.
Vitamins, fish oil, vitamin d and calcium and iron tablets and fiber.
So, what is going on, I have to go back to my doctor in May and am going to ask her to please do some advanced testing on me, hormones, and such to see if there is something I am missing.
I honestly just dont know what else to do.
Adding some more weights to see if that might help, trying to get outdoors more and be a little more active.
Cutting back on coffee.
Trying to add more walking, since the weather is improving, I have been walking a little more.
I am at a loss, but not for pounds!!!!
I dread getting on the scale and so I havent really been tracking my weight on here.
When I do see a pound gone, it is always back before the next weigh in.
I fluctuate 2 to 3 pounds every week or two.
with no real results, the scale just isnt going down.
I am going to cut another 100 calories per day out of my diet and see if that shows any results and add more veggies.
I started this week with a chard, kale, spinahch spring mix and peppers.
So tonight I am going to make myself a healthy spring salad with some tuna.
Yes, I do know HOW to eat healthy, and exercise.
Weight loss is just hiding from me right now for some reason, I have got to get it back!!
I promised myself a pedicure when I lost 10 pounds, at this rate I will never get it.
Sunday, April 06, 2014
Does anyone remember that sketch from SNL, with Chris Kattan and Will Ferrell, where they are in a bar dancing, trying to pick up women???
And that song, "what is love, dont hurt me dont hurt me, no more"
When someone judges every word you say, when someone puts you down and says you are stupid and cant even figure out how to use a remote control. When someone tells you you should be happy you dont have any grandchildren, because you are so crazy, you would probably stab them with a knife. When they count every penny you spend and tell you that they dont trust you, that is NOT love.
When you are at your lowest and weakest and hurting and feel like your very heart is going to pound out of your body, and they tell you they love you, that IS NOT love.
No one will hurt you, or abuse you emotionally or psychologically, if they love you.
They will not scream at you, cuss you, and throw reminders of past wrongs in your face if they love you.
And if you do this to yourself, then you are also only hurting yourself.
Forgiveness has to be first and foremost before moving on.
But when someone says, I am sorry, it wont happen again and lets work it out and move on FROM HERE.
And a month or a year later, they start saying the same things, hurtful, mean, cruel words to wound your heart, and to belittle you, and to take away from your spirit as a human being, and to make you feel less than human, less than zero.
That is not love.
Love yourself above anyone, even your own parents, even your own children.
Put yourself first, it isnt SELF ISH, its SELF PRESERVATION.
When someone bitches you out and screams at you and calls you a liar, and a thief and says you are taking away from them, they do not love you.
When they go and spent 1200 dollars on an item, and say they did it for you, even when you tell them not to and say you dont want it or need it, and then they throw it in your face every day, that is not love.
They did not buy you that item to see happiness in your eyes, or a smile on your face, or love in your heart, to make you feel good about yourself, they did it, in order to have more fodder to add to their fire.
To say, SEE WHAT YOU HAVE TAKEN FROM ME!!!
Take nothing from no one.
Do not ask for anything, do not expect anything, do not wish for anything.
Just do for yourself.
Just preserve your own emotions, and heart and mind and psyche.
Do not allow yourself to be put thru hell here on this earth by someone who proclaims to love you and then treats you as if you were a dog they could tie to a tree and feed when they wish to.
Kick you when you are down and already hurting and already wishing you were dead!!!!
One day, you may know love again, but you do not know self love, you have to love yourself before anyone else can or will.
You must find light inside you.
Do not depend on others for love, or for kindness or for friendship or for a roof over your head or food in your belly or anything.
There comes a time when you have to decide if its worth someone wounding you daily with the sharpness of a serpents tounge just to eat.
I think when you get to that point, you really have become a dog tied to a tree.
Begging for a few scraps and a little love.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Saturday, April 05, 2014
Last night I just couldnt sleep. Yesterday started out good then went down hill very fast.
Bad rainy windy weather didnt help to lift my mood very much.
Seems the old saying is true, when it rains it pours, and I aint just talking about the weather.
But, there is nothing one can do.
I used to be a very bad worrier, sit and stress over the situation, or in this case, several bad situations all at once.
And while its only human nature to worry and wonder some, I cant do one damn thing to change it so why worry so much.
It is what it is and it aint what it aint, its life and its love and it aint gonna change!!!
So, last night I was wired up and had so much adrenaline running thru me from all the events of the day that I just couldnt sleep, I had the ceiling fan on, due to it being just a tad warm, woke up to find it damp and chilly.
So, dressed in a hoodie and sweats, I lit the kerosene heater, was hoping that was behind me along with the winter.
But as the day warmed some, I went walking, in my walking capris and tshirt.
I walked for an hour and ran into my best friend, he and his family were at the park, so he walked 2 laps with me.
So, now I am home and took puppy out to play, soon its gonna be bath time, I am gonna try out my great new shampoo and then watch Netflix all night and hopefully sleep will come easier tonight and stress will leave faster.
Friday, April 04, 2014
Yesterday I got my doo done. Why is this a big deal you may ask?
Well.....I had this fantastic stylist/colorist. I had been going to for around 2 years and I loved the work she did.
I never feared how my hair would turn out, I always knew it would be right on.
So she changed shops on me, and I followed her to the new place, and then, she changed on me again.
Only the second time, she went to a big chain salon, that charges 25 more for a color and cut than I was paying her elsewhere.
As much as I loved her, I just could not allow myself to pay that much extra. I just felt that was a rip off to customers.
Afterall, my hair was going to look the same.
So, I had to find someone new, and after 2 colors and cuts, I just wasnt satisfied, the first was too dark and didnt crop my hair in back the way I like it, the second, was too brassy, she didnt use a toner.
So, back to my girl I went yesterday, because she informed me that with my store card, I could get a discount and with her employee discount, I ended up paying exactly the amount I would have paid before, yeahhhhh.
And, on top of that, she had hair products on sale for as little as 10.99, I got this great big bottle of shampoo and a big container of conditioning balm, with a coupon, for like 9 dollars, whooooo.
Almost too much happiness.
Even the hail storm we had here last night and the windy, rainy day we are having today can not bring my mood down.
Dealing with this money situation, student loan people, and the bank, now that is just putting a slight damper on it, but I am 100 percent determined not to let it bring me down.
Sitting here, waiting for a phone call, that I have a feeling isnt coming, and knowing this person knows I need to get some matters resolved, is digging a little deeper.
But I have had a good healthy morning, so far, I have eaten healthy protein and coffee.
And I am going to try to start the weekend off right and hope for nothing but internal sunshine, since I dang sure aint getting it outside.
I am thinking one way to get total bliss, is to bust my bathroom scale upside a tree, or maybe run over it with a tractor.
Thursday, April 03, 2014
When I was first diagnosed with low vitamin d, around this time last year, (((I had broken my foot on Jan 8th and it took just over a month to get an appt with the ortho, so I was wearing the boot all that time)) I was being monitored by telephone by a nurse with my insurance company.
It was really more of a womens health study, and I was one of the guinea pigs I guess.
Anyway, I was discussing with her my low vitamin d and she recommended a supplement called strontium citrate, she told me its more of a bone builder, and works well with calcium. she was telling me how good I was going to feel once my vitamin d increased, she told me how much healthier my hair, skin and nails would be.
Well, I am still waiting. Still waiting, hey, I am still waiting!!
My nails are in the worst shape of my life, I had planned to treat myself to a pedicure and throw in a manicure, when I lose 10 lbs, well, still waiting on that too!!!
People used to ask me, where did I get my nails done, and I always said, no where, they are natural and they are, I have always had very nice, healthy nails.
When I broke my foot, I took a pic of my foot while wearing the bone growth stimulator and posted it on facebook and one of my friends asked where I had gotten my pedicure, lol, well I hadnt had one. My nails were always just white tipped and looked like I had.
But now, they are jagged and torn and one is longer then the other and my skin is dry and ashy, let me take a minute here to recommend a product....Palmers cocoa butter formula with vitamin e/alpha hydroxy and shea butter. for dry and ashy skin.
I happened upon a bottle at WM once and bought it and loved loved loved it and of course, WM never had it again.
Searched all the local drug stores and Kmart, etc and no one had it, well about a month ago I was at a local flea market and this man had lots of drug store products, and lo and behold, there was the lotion, that I had paid 6 dollars for, 15 oz bottles and here he had it for 2 dollars a bottle.
I bought 2, and yet, everyday I kick myself for not buying 4 or 6 or all that he had lol, but I figured they were probably already pushing maxium shelf life and so I stuck with 2, and I love this lotion.
If you have dry, very dry skin, such as I do, you will love it.
You can also find it online at drugstore.com and ebonyline. com, and this is a great lotion.
Anyway, I love it.
I am just tired of this fight I am in.
It is bad enough I cannot for the life of me lose a single pound, but my vitamin d issues and dry skin, nails looking like I have been rock climbing and my hair is in the worst shape of my life.
The cost to get my hair cut and colored has, like everything else, gone up and my cash flow, has gone down.
And this nurse was always calling me to see how I was doing, at least once a month, asking if I had seen the doc, she was very friendly, and always discussed ways to improve my health, but she was adamant that once my vitamin d level increased to a normal range, I would lose weight like mad.
She told me it has so much more effect on our bodies than we realize.
So mine went from 20 to 52, which was still way below the normal range, I needed it to reach the high 70s.
But then it dropped back down to 19, and so I was told that I might need some tests to find out why my body doesnt absorb it in my intestines. And I might need to take shots to get it straight into the blood, I am just really hoping all the supplements, the use of the tanning bed, the milk I drink like crazy and what little bit of sunshine I have been able to get are working.
So far, I dont think its very high, measuring from the lack of weight loss, and the hair/skin issues.
Time will tell, but there will be no sunshine to absorb today.
Rain, overcast and high winds, yet again.
Last night I was viciously attacked and stung by a big red wasp, in my bedroom, I was sitting on my bed, filing my nails in fact and from out of no where this big red wasp, swarps across the room and I didnt see where it went, so I go to stand up and whammmmm, right on my wrist, it was the worst pain I have felt in decades, the damn thing flew up to the ceiling light, so I smacked it with a fly swatter and sent it flying.
Couldnt find it, so I swore I wouldnt be going to bed last night, but later it was bouncing off the ceiling so I hit it again, and missed of course, and made it mad, then I opened the front door and I hope it flew out. Because I never seen it the rest of the night and I checked my bed real well, behind the blinds, and all around the room before laying down.
The bite or sting, was vicious, it was mad at me for some reason, but it swelled up all the way up my arm, and was a red line, like a burn, red and pain all night.
It is some better today, but now I am deathly afraid there is a nest somewhere and plan to search all the windows and eaves of the house and get rid of any and all bees, its bad enough the ladybugs have taken over, I cannot lay in the tanning bed for them, they crawl out and are attracted to the light, someone suggested I buy a black light zapper, it attracts them and apparently theres some kind of lure/attractant you can buy. I know there are people who say they are not harmful, but if you are laying in the tanning bed and they are crawling on you, and yes, they do bite, I have been bitten by them, they are all pains in the butt!!! I hate them now!!!
I am on a mission to get rid of them.
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