Thursday, March 27, 2014
You all should hear the wind outside my door!
I did walk today, for about 20 minutes, but the wind became too swift and I had to quit.
Besides, I was about to pee!!
I had a very very light salad lunch with my friend and drank alot of water, and peed before leaving the restaurant and by the time I drove 5 miles to the track and walked 20 minutes, I had to go again!!
Maybe its alot of water, or, vitamin d???
or that I had 3 cups of coffee before lunch.
Anyway, the wind here has been awful, I am beginning to wonder if spring is going to be blown away and if we will ever see it.
Tonight, I had cravings, I wanted chocolate, any kind of chocolate.
Well, I know I didnt really want chocolate, I wanted something.
But I didnt give in.
Even with a very light lunch today, I know I still pushed the seams of my calories today.
My friend was telling me today about the diet center shes going to and how shes getting some bio diet style who knows what hormone and b12 and b6 injections and she feels so good.
I am happy for her.
But that isnt for me, no quick fix diets have ever worked for me.
I know that these cravings are psychological and that I have to find out why I want food and what is going on, and what I need to do to stop them.
I know that eventually they will stop and not giving in to them is the thing I have to do.
Not take a pill or get a shot or whatever else.
I really am looking forward to seeing some pounds drop off the scale.
It has been way too long and I know that I have to get back to exercising, since its obvious the weather isnt going to allow me to walk enough to really matter.
But to each his own.
I am glad its working for her, and I wont say it wont work, but for me, I know I have to dig deep and find what makes me want to eat the foods that are bad for me.
I am working on it.
Walking on it!!
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
I am jealous!!!!
Yes, it is true. This week, I have read posts by at least 3 friends who have lost 2 to 4 pounds in the last week.
One friend posted that she has lost 67 pounds in 9 months since having her baby.
So, I am sitting here wondering what am I doing wrong??????
Or, the better question is, what I am NOT DOING!!!
Exercise is the number one answer.
Other than the handful of times I have actually gotten to walk this year, due to one snowfall right after another, I have done very very little exercise and I am beginning to feel it.
I have been waking up every morning with a pain in my hip.
I am not sure if its the mattress, the way I am laying, or just overall aging, I know what has to happen. WEIGHT LOSS!!!
I have got to get back to losing weight.
On with it.
Today I committed to sticking to my calorie range no matter what. And to cut back on carbs and get back to a higher protein diet.
I even considered doing the all liquid diet for a few weeks just to jumpstart things.
For now I will hold off on that and stick to the high protein diet that helped me so much before.
turkey -in all forms.
This is what I basically ate for a year, along with salads, low fat dressings and berries. a typical meal for me was yogurt and a shake in the morning, tuna pouch or a salad for lunch, yogurt for snack and grilled chicken breast and beans for dinner.
Lots of water.
I have to get back to eating right and get some pounds off!!!
I have gained 16 pounds back since the first of 2013.
No weight loss success at all during the whole year.
and now pushing into spring of 2014 and here I am......still not losing.
So, it snowed all day again yesterday, and last night, temps dipped down into the low 20s and we are only days away from April.
I wonder if this is Mother Natures April Fools joke on us????
In other news--I got puppy a play yard, she has plenty of room to run around and play and still is contained so she isnt into everything.
Hoping this helps cut down on chewing cords, etc.
She is scheduled to be spayed in May. As I have been told, this cuts down excitable behavior in male dogs, wonder if its the same for females????
And my electric bill dropped a whopping 100 dollars, amazing. this means I might actually have a few extra dollars in the next few weeks to do something nice for myself.
I am in terrible need of a pedicure, with such a long winter we have had.
Maybe if I can lose 4 lbs or better yet 8....I will treat myself.
Yeah, thats the incentive....10 pounds gone=a pedicure!!! I hope I can do this before flip flop weather!!!!
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Havent blogged in a few days.
Last night I was invited out to dinner by a good friend, and we went to the chinese buffet.
I had a nice salad and was hoping for some sushi, there was no sushi.
But I enjoyed some coconut chicken and orange chicken and all the other kinds of chicken.
I only had one small potato and one small nearly bite size piece of cake, peanut butter.
Mostly I stuck to the meats, two spareribs on a stick.
I guess this food was high in salt content or something, because the back of my mouth, past the gum in the main back, has been so sore, raw, painful even.
But it was worth it, I would walk back there today for some more of that coconut chicken!!
and even though I said I wasnt going to, I did drink 1 beer.
After dinner we went to a neighbors house where they had a backyard bonfire going and drinking beer, I had one, out of courtesy to the host.
I am glad I didnt have more.
So yesterday I went to the park, even though it was somewhat windy, I decided it was way too pretty out to waste the day and not walk.
The park was full of people, more than I have seen there.
Walking was great, until this one group of younger women walkers showed up.
Maybe I am just not used to sharing the track with so many people, but, these girls, ranging in age from maybe 14 to early 20s, dressed in cowboy boots, tight jeans and flip flops and not walking, but more like strolling.
I was courteous and stepped to the side when they strolled around, but the perfume was so overwhelming, I had to go sit down and allow them to go on around and get way ahead of me.
Maybe all of them were wearing perfumes that we co-mingling and making the stink, or one of them had on a ton of the most cheap, P U stinking perfume I have smelled.
And there I am, the wind blowing it back on me, and me trying to breathe as it was, had to stop and get tissues out of my car to blow my nose.
But I got my one hour walk in and enjoyed the sun.
At about 40 minutes the wind got more intense and I thought maybe I would stop.
But I pushed on, and it actually felt kind of good, I just kept reminding myself, shorts weather is only weeks away.
My shirts are all too tight.
I havent seen a big loss on the scale in a long time.
Then I came home and tanned and my friend had texted me wanting to go out to eat.
I had planned to fix an omelet as I was home alone last night, but was glad to get the invite, I really needed a night out of the house.
There was a young man at the bonfire playing the guitar and telling jokes and it was a really nice evening.
Took my mind off of alot.
Now, today is Sunday and its walking dead night.
and once again, the sun has hidden and gone way off to some other town. the sky is gray and cloudy and its cold outside.
Snow??? So I have heard.
This has been one long winter.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Someone suggested I write a poem about my friend, it might help me to write, to get out my feelings, and so I did, at least I tried.
I am feeling a little better.
And I did actually sleep last night, was sleeping so deeply when honey came in from work around 4 am, I neither heard him, nor understood what he was asking me.
Something about the tanning bed....
I guess it felt good to sleep and not wake every hour with him on my mind.
Sitting thru a little bit of the funeral, I had hoped to get some spiritual moment where it all dawned on me, life and death and such.
But the kind of funeral his family chose brought nothing but more pain.
Have any of you heard of "old regular baptist"???
If not, you are missing a great time, hell fire and damnation is our lot.
God is a vengeful God.
Woe is you who doesnt believe or kneel at the cross every Sunday, and so on and so on and boogie boogie boogie!!!
I know my friend would not have chosen such a funeral.
Had to be his family I guess.
To each his own.
I told my friend Amy last night that I want none of that when my time comes.
If there is to be any "preaching", I want it to be a biker minister, with a long braid and beard to his belly, with tattooes, and lots of piercings!!!
And I want him to say some sweet words about love and life and enjoying time here on this earth.
Then someone sing some Johnny Cash and everybody dance!!!
Lol....well, at least I didnt lose my sense of humor.
Here is the poem, such as it is that I wrote, I did it as a way of just releasing some of the pain inside, and put it in my writers workshop group feed.....
"An Ode to RDHJ"
""" We talked all the time...about nothing.
Sometimes, just to kill the time, or kill the silence of the time.
Sometimes he made me laugh, sometimes, he made me mad.
Most of the time, he made me happy, happy to have the friend I had.
Today he will be laid on a hill within the hills.....
No more will he message me to say did you hear that song?
No more will he ride his side by side all night long. Coveralls covered in all, dirt, mud, grass and sweat.
I have had many friends, but he was the best one yet!!!
and I watch you go....I watch my tears stream down, dripping onto my own shirt.
I watch a piece of my heart go with you as they lay you in that dirt.
and I whisper goodbye friend, and its picked up and carried away on the wind.
Maybe in time, it will come back around again.
I love you RDHJ, and I will never forget you young friend, I will stay behind and maybe one day I will see you again!"""""
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Having such a hard time dealing with the loss of my friend.
It isnt immediate family, so, I am not constantly hearing all the details and am just a spectator on the outside.
I have gone to the services both nights, tomorrow he will be laid to rest.
What does that even mean, laid to rest?
I know it means, HE will be laid to rest. He will give up his burdens, he has.
He has left behind his pain, his burdens, his memories.
Now they become ours.
The living, they become our memories, our pain to bear.
I am in pain.
This young man meant alot to me, he was that friend who never ever was too busy to talk.
Never showed his bad mood, always laughed with you and told you to stop crying if you did.
I havent felt so deeply down in the my soul the loss of someone in a very long time, the way I have felt this one.
But, as I said, I am not on the inside, I was just a friend, nothing more, so I have to go on each day with my life, sitting here tonight, wathcing Breaking Bad on Netflix.
Just some mundane act to keep my mind occupied.
Laid in tanning bed, fixed a bite to eat, cleaned house, took a shower.
Not so much.
I keep waking up, wondering if this is real, is he gone for real?
Yes, is always the answer.
I hope to sleep tonight. I hope tomorrow once the funeral is over and I come back home, to stay busy, hopefully to walk.
But the wind is whipping something up outside.
Rain maybe. Snow? I hope not.
It is time for spring, time to clean out the old. and renew.
Time to get on with life.
Time to let go of the dead and be glad to be alive.
I hope I can live those words soon.
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