Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Having such a hard time dealing with the loss of my friend.
It isnt immediate family, so, I am not constantly hearing all the details and am just a spectator on the outside.
I have gone to the services both nights, tomorrow he will be laid to rest.
What does that even mean, laid to rest?
I know it means, HE will be laid to rest. He will give up his burdens, he has.
He has left behind his pain, his burdens, his memories.
Now they become ours.
The living, they become our memories, our pain to bear.
I am in pain.
This young man meant alot to me, he was that friend who never ever was too busy to talk.
Never showed his bad mood, always laughed with you and told you to stop crying if you did.
I havent felt so deeply down in the my soul the loss of someone in a very long time, the way I have felt this one.
But, as I said, I am not on the inside, I was just a friend, nothing more, so I have to go on each day with my life, sitting here tonight, wathcing Breaking Bad on Netflix.
Just some mundane act to keep my mind occupied.
Laid in tanning bed, fixed a bite to eat, cleaned house, took a shower.
Not so much.
I keep waking up, wondering if this is real, is he gone for real?
Yes, is always the answer.
I hope to sleep tonight. I hope tomorrow once the funeral is over and I come back home, to stay busy, hopefully to walk.
But the wind is whipping something up outside.
Rain maybe. Snow? I hope not.
It is time for spring, time to clean out the old. and renew.
Time to get on with life.
Time to let go of the dead and be glad to be alive.
I hope I can live those words soon.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Saturday night a good friend of mine wrecked on a side by side ATV and was killed.
I was just talking to him a few days before that.
He loved to discuss music and I always shared any new songs I heard with him.
He had a drinking problem and me and him spent many days discussing that issue and how to find ways to stay sober.
He was a calm and gentle person, but he liked to have fun and I suspect wrecking his atv, he was probably whooping it up, going to fast and enjoying his night.
It is sad that it ends that way.
We are definetly not promised another hour or even another minute.
I hate that he is gone. I have felt the loss so deeply. And I havent known what to do with those feelings.
He was only 32 years old. Had two young sons and its just affecting me so much.
Other than that, I have been trying to decide about vacation. Paying down some bills to try to have that extra money.
And I lost 2 pounds since I was last on the scale!!!!
Friday, March 14, 2014
Didnt get to walk today, it was a nice warm day, but the wind just was so swift.
Have I ever blogged about how much I hate the wind?
I am sure I have, as I hate the wind so much I often talk about it.
What is it for anyway?
All I know is, if the wind didnt blow so hard, the sun would feel so wonderful, one could enjoy walking, or sitting outside, or working in the yard.
All I can do is look forward to the coming summer days when there will be more sunny days and less cold rainy windy days.
Back is achy today.
Laid in the tanning bed today.
Went to walmart.
Bought some cream for dry itchy skin.
Came home, watched the walking dead, had a salad, did laundry, watched more walking dead.
Now, gotta fold some clothes, then off to bed,
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Does anyone ever feel like they are trading a good for a bad, or a bad for a good?
In order to try to up my iron, calcium and vitamin d levels, I have found myself eating a little more, drinking more milk, Today for lunch I had a baked potato with some vitamin d and calcium fortified butter.
Before, I wouldnt have touched a potato with a ten foot pole.
When I refer to before, I mean during my weight loss period.
That time between May 2012 and January 2013, when I lost 70 lbs and was walking daily and eating healthier choices than ever before.
I find myself struggling to get back to those food plans.
But today is such a great and beautiful day that I am not going to worry about calories.
I am eating healthy, making good choices for the vitamins and nutrients my body needs right now.
The sun finally made an appearance today and not just peeking out, but really OUT.
I, in my shorts and tshirt, sat out on the lounger for nearly an hour, soaking it up.
I hope it was enough for my body to jumpstart that vitamin d process.
I dont go back for more lab test until May.
So, every day that the sun comes around, I am going to, hopefully take full advantage of.
The weatherman, who I have decided is my arch enemy and the first one I will take out in a zombie apocalypse, lol, is telling me that once again, the sun will leave and be replaced with cold, damp, wind and rain, and possibly even snow.
NOOOOO, I cannot take much more!!!
I walked yesterday evening and was distressed and dissatisfied with my walk, because my foot began hurting me again and I am not sure what is going on.
But I am scared the break isnt healed at all and since I have gained some of my weight back, I am putting more stress on that foot.
I did some reading recently about flat feet and one article suggested that doctors have it all wrong when it comes to telling their patients to wear shoes with orthorpeadic inserts and lifts and arch supports, etc.
Some naturalist type doctor suggested the best solution is to go bare foot as much as possible.
To train the arches and feet to support themselves.
Wonder if anyone out there has an opinion on that.
Going barefoot has never been a problem for me, I have spent many summers barefoot.
But my feet are more tender now and I guess since I am a little older, its expected of me to wear shoes, lol.
Not so much planning, but dreaming and idealizing summer vacation and have my eye on the beach again.
Hoping the taxes come soon so we can sit down and do some planning, figure out the priority on bills and payments and make sure the car is in tip top shape for that 8 hour drive.
Hope all of you are having a good day and that the sun is shining where you are.
Friday, March 07, 2014
Last night was a rough night, all the congestion and soreness had moved down into my chest. I was so raw, every breath hurt, every cough worse.
I was hoarse and could barely talk.
I am feeling some better today, Only the cough is sticking around now.
I really want to try a walk, but wondering if its worth it to drive to the track and maybe walk a lap or two and get a coughing fit or get out of breath.
Besides, my foot has been killing me today, last night I awoke with something like a cramp in my foot, this is the foot that had been broken last year, and it hurt like crazy.
Enough that I was near to crying out!
Only the break happened on the outside of the foot near the little toe, and the pain last night was in the arch, up by my ankle bone.
My theory is, that I havent been wearing my arch supports, and putting too much pressure on my arch, being that I am flat footed.
So, I decided, walk or no walk, I am going to start wearing my walking shoes with arch supports around all the time.
I have been cleaning a little and find after only a few minutes, I begin coughing.
I really hope this is on its way out.
I was reading yet another article on the dangers of low vitamin d and of course, susceptibility to colds, flu, etc is one of the problems.
This is the 2nd or 3rd cold i have had since Christmas.
It is in the stage now where I am coughing up a lung, hard long coughing, til I turn red.
I hate hate hate all cough syrups, it seems there are none that dont contain some awful ingredient to make one sleepy.
I hate Nyquil, I hate all those types of cough syrups.
So, I go for a chest covered in Vicks salve and a vaporizer.
Such a nice day out, would love to be out walking, and soaking up what little rays of sunlight being sent this way.
But I would just cough up a lung on the walking track!!!
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