Sunday, February 23, 2014
Right now, I am cold. Could be because I am wearing shorts and a tshirt. Maybe I am pushing the day to hurry, get thru the chilly early morning and onto the warm sun shining down.
I am hoping to get an hour on the track today.
And soak up some vitamin d rays that I so badly need.
No coffee today, have decided to cut coffee out at least 2 days a week and I choose days when the weather is going to be nice, walking day.
Drinking coffee and walking dont mix well for me, too much time spent looking for a bathroom.
My neice had her baby yesterday, a healthy boy, almost 8lbs.
In other news, I havent heard from my "friend" since I told them on Wednesday that I cant loan, I cant spend, I cant give, I cant do, anything for them to help them in their life, and that they need to find a way to help themself.
Has not bothered me, I am glad I did it.
I can see that I was only being used, and I am glad I woke up to the game.
Yesterday a high school friend of mine, and his wife, who is also by the way, the second cousin of Honey, were killed in a car accident.
She was a lovely young woman, very quiet and humble person.
They had young children, and its very devastating that they were killed in such a terrible way.
So, for me, today, is going to be a nice day all about me, just enjoy my walk and my time in the warm sun and enjoy the fresh air of the day.
Then come home, get dinner on the table, I am making homemade veggie chili, and then, The Walking Dead tonight.
No drama Sunday!!
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Got all dressed up to have lunch, just because I felt like doing something for me.
Even though we only had salad and water at the local pizza place, it felt good to put on a nice dressy shirt and style my hair.
Got alot of positive feedback and even some good stories from others on a post I made on a message board, concerning friends who cause you more grief than happiness.
I have blogged about this friend who is such a debbie downer. and not only always messaging me complaining about being in pain, or being sad, or wishing they could just end it, but, bumming.
Bumming money, a ride, a babysitter, even eardrops.
I finally had all I could take.
And I had planned to just ease my way out of the friendship, but I just couldnt keep making excuses.
So last night they message me, with yet another down attitude, they dont have the will to go on, life is too hard, they dont have the money for a doctor, etc.
I decided, the only way to get this to stop, is to put a stop to it.
I messaged back and told them, I am not a doctor or a counselor, I dont know what it is they expect me to do.
I told them there are clinics and doctors that can help them find out what is making them feel this way.
I told them I cannot and will not give money or anything else.
I told them I am beginning to feel uncomfortable with some of their requests and that I have been brought down by their bad attitude and that they need to find out a way to help themselves.
I wasnt confrontational, I just told them to have some respect for me, that I have my own issues to deal with and that I dont choose to find it in the bottle of a bottle of alcohol or pills,
I suspect, (thru information i was told by a few other people) that a big part of this persons problem is drugs and that because they live in a nice home, come from a nice hard working wealthy family, and went to college, that others wouldnt believe it of them.
But when you know about addiction, you know it doesnt discriminate based on someones upbringing, religion or wealth.
Maybe this person seen me as someone they could use, because maybe they thought that I didnt know their background, or that their parent had pretty much set them up in their own business and they had nearly lost the whole business, or that others in the neighborhood have warned that this person is a fraud.
Maybe they didnt realize, that while I am not a drug addict, I know all about addiction and consider myself a food addict and know that every day is a struggle to deal with what it is you crave and desire things that are bad for me.
I think a part of me knew all along that the things I had heard were true, but I kept hoping maybe this person really wasnt a fraud, and really was just down on their luck.
I am so glad I got wise before it got too far out of hand.
So, I havent heard back from them and honestly, its been a nice quiet day without my phone going off, dreading to open the text, knowing its going to be some request I cannot fulfill.
So, I went to lunch with another friend, and had a nice salad and some water and wanted to go walking, but the wind is terrible.
Its so swift that my front door nearly blew out of my hand when I opened it.
Looking forward to getting things in my life on track again.
Warmer days, without wind, are right around the corner, and while I need to get busy getting a little more organized, I feel that taking this constant dread of what this person will ask of me out of the equation, I can move on with my own life.
Getting some debts paid down.
Moving closer to having 2 less monthly payments feels pretty good.
Decluttering my house, my debts, my hair, lol, I have to get a cut soon, its getting wild.
But mostly just eliminating people, toxic, bad for me, people from my life is the number one goal.
I think I took a step in the right direction.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Didnt blog yesterday, but wanted to say thanks to all who commented on my little issue I am having with this friend.
I guess I can see they arent really a friend, and better to get out while the getting is good.
I find, going back thru some blogs, and journal entries, that I have for about 2 years now had alot of issues with toxic people in my life.
And seeing that I am part of the problem, I choose these people, I choose them maybe because they are damaged and I can relate.
The difference is, I am trying to heal and repair the damage, my own damage, and they arent.
They, want to drag me back down to where I was, where they still are.
I am learning alot of this from my son, as I read his posts about NA and leaving behind those who arent ready to change.
So, yesterday I had an appointment, that turned into an all day event.
But in between waiting, and thru lunch, I was able to go to the park and enjoy the first really sunny day we have seen in weeks.
I even put the car windows down a little yesterday.
Two of my friends wanted me to join them in Zumba last night, but I was so tired and didnt feel like moving, let alone REALLY moving.
One friend kept insisting I go.
Despite me telling her how bad I felt and yes, I am sure I would have felt better once I started moving, but I am still really concerned about injury.
I dont know where my vitamin d number stands right now, but in December it was only 19.
Very severe deficit.
So, my other friend, who is an RN, told me, dont go if you arent comfortable, she has been doing it awhile and told me that injury is a possibility.
But I did walk yesterday and was so tired.
35 minutes was pushing it for me.
I have alot of people ask to come walking with me. I dont want to offend anyone, or stop them from walking, but my walk, is my alone time.
I have my music, which is a big part of my walk, and just my alone time.
My habits have to change, I have to get back to walking more and eating less, or at least eating less carbs and junk as I have been.
Went to bed at 10 last night, was so exhausted and that meant I woke up at 5am.
So I got up, took a shower, made coffee, and now going to get ready and run some errands, have a salad lunch and come home to clean house.
Pics from yesterday.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Thanks everyone who commented on yesterday's blog. I know deep in my heart what must be done but it still doesnt make it any easier.
I can remember losing a very dear friend Christmas of 2012, and how painful that loss was at that time in my life, with no explanation and just adding to my depression and feelings of inadequecy, and now this.
Oh well, it will work itself out because I will let them know how much it bothers me the next time they do it.
Today has been pretty positive otherwise, except for the bitter cold, the weather man is telling me all day its been close to 50, but I aint buying it!
I have froze all day today.
And now I have the kerosene heater going, and am sitting under a blanket.
But I have eaten healthy, made wise choices in my food selections and can still have some milk and a snack.
I have gotten my vitamin d and have been doing alot of reading online about how and when to take certain vitamins in order to get the maximum results from them.
For example, waiting a few hours in between taking my fish oil and my other vitamins, in order to prevent the fish oil from preventing them from properly absorbing, things I never really thought much about.
I have to be up super duper early in the morning, and out into the cold, but the good news is, that its supposed to get up into the 50s and even 60s later in the week.
I really honestly hope the cold bitter long dark days are on the way out.
I really need sunshine and warmth.
Have a nice night to all. Stay warm friends.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
For some time now I have had these feelings of being used by a certain friend.
This person is someone alot younger than me, and at first it felt almost like they needed me as a friend for advice and to sort of play a role of an older advisor, etc.
But now, I am beginning to see the situation as more of them using me.
I am often asked for favors, and maybe I am to blame partly because I would always tell them "you can depend on me, you can rely on me, I am a true friend, I will be there when no one else is"
So now, I see that they will text me, say hi, start up a normal conversation, and by the 2nd or 3rd text they are asking me for a favor.
Can I babysit, can I give them a ride, and the latest was money.
I am not a lender, I do not have money to lend.
AND I NEVER BORROW what I cannot pay back. So, therefore, I never borrow.
So, when I last talked to them, I had to tell them NO, to yet another favor.
and here is what they did.
Sent a friend to my house to ask me for the SAME exact favor, only to make me think it was for them.
Me knowing full well, these two are also friends, so here I am, having to say no I cant help you out.
But I have no way of proving it.
I can only speculate and I feel I am right.
It is way too much of a coincidence that the two seperate people would ask for the same favor in the same day.
I am not gullible and I am so done playing games.
It is going to hurt, mostly me I assume, to tell this person not to contact me anymore if all they want is what I can do for them or give them or take them or whatever.
I am tired of feeling used and whats worse, I am tired of feeling like they are sitting there thinking they have pulled the wool over my eyes, when indeed, they have not!!!
My grand plan had been to wait til they asked for another favor, and just say to them, if my friendship is only based on what I can provide to you, then we can no longer be friends.
But now I believe they had caught on that I had caught on to them, so they began asking others to contact me on their behalf.
This person is younger than me and so maybe they thought I wanted to be friends with them so badly I would do whatever they asked just to keep them and that isnt the case.
I am just wondering if I should call them out on this or just wait and let them come to me again as I had planned.
I really do not want conflict, but I have to let them know that I am not dumb or gullible or someone who can be bummed to death.
Just wondering what others think?
other than that, I have just had a totally 100 percent OFF and LOST weekend.
Began Friday when honey took me out to eat at a seafood place for Valentines.
Then Saturday, we stayed in and fixed burgers and watched movies all night.
Now today, he had to go back to work on night shift, so I got up early and fixed him gravy and biscuits.
And me too, no need to lie about it.
I have just put sparking and counting and tracking on hold all weekend and now I have to ease my way back in.
Still cold here, the rain came and packed down the frozen ground and snow and made it hard and slick and I havent left the house today.
But a change is coming, we are supposed to see 70 by Thursday and I cannot wait.
Going to clean off my porch, clean up around my yard, clean out my car, bathe and groom my dog and of course, go walking.
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