Monday, January 27, 2014
Thanks to friends who commented on my blog yesterday.
I am doing much better today.
I know I make the new place sound horrid, but its really not. It has a big scrawling yard and its a nice place, it is just located at the top of a steep road and in winter, it is this way for many people around here.
Icy hilsides that see little to no sunlight and I know many others who are in the same situation, if they dont drive their cars to the road the night before, and it snows, they are stranded.
I just hate the thoughts of it so much, I live right by the main highway now and I have gotten used to being able to go when I want and not having to worry about such nonsense.
I dont know what I am going to do about the situation, but for now, I am keeping my mouth shut and staying right where I am and he hasnt made much more comment about it.
Spring and summer might be a different story but then I know winter will come again.
I have done better today, cleaned house a little and went to the tanning bed, ate some subway and took my vitamins, had some healthy orange juice and milk and now I am just catching up on SP.
I feel better today, not as cold, but the wind is still bitter and punishing.
Tonight we are supposed to get another round of this artic blast of cold and I dont honestly know how much more I can stand.
I dread opening the door.
Maybe I will just stay indoors.
Saturday we were to have a baby shower for my neice, but the cold and snow made us reschedule, and I am hoping this Saturday will be alot better.
I weigh tomorrow and I already know, because I cheated and got on the scale today, that there is no good news to report.
No bad either, still even steven.
Maybe when it gets so hot I can sweat off some calories, I promise not to complain about the heat!
Sunday, January 26, 2014
“Nothing burns like the cold. But only for a while. Then it gets inside you and starts to fill you up, and after a while you don't have the strength to fight it.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
“In winter this town is freezing. You step out your door in the morning and the whole place looks like one of those nature specials in which a guy brings a camcorder to the North Pole and then the camera cuts out and you hear on the news that he got eaten by a bear”
― Flynn Meaney, The Boy Recession
I wonder lately if it would be better to be eaten by a bear? than to endure the winter we are now.
I must confess, I havent been Sparking much the last few days. I havent been doing much of anything really.
Freezing seems to take up quiet a bit of my time.
Huddled under a blanket, with thick socks and a hoodie at times.
Trying to conserve, and yet my electric bill was still over 300 dollars.
We went to go to the new place but the hill was a solid sheet of ice and my heart sank deeper and I knew I couldnt endure this.
I cannot and will not be made a prisoner on a hillside deep in a cold dark holler.
Having to bring my car off in the event of every snow that comes so that I might not be stranded there.
And still knowing that if I do, it means walking off the snowy icy covered road and that in itself is a danger I do not want to face.
I just dont think I can do this.
I think the best move for me is to go and try to get into some kind of rental assisted apartment, I know I cannot stay in my own home and I cannot go to a home that is as cold to me as the wind that cuts thru me everytime I open the front door.
Depression and desperation have taken over the last few days and I am sinking.
I havent been watching what I eat or caring to take the time to track it.
I feel so lost and indecisive. I think the biggest fear for me is knowing that deep down I have made my choice and he has made his and that means no more compromise, because I was the only one who was compromising at all, defeated and surrendering to a life in a place I had no desire to be.
I guess there are worse things, like actually being there.
My body aches all over, I went to bed last night shivering and shaking from cold, and I feel my throat is getting sore, my ears have been infected for days.
I know that the stress is taking a toll on my life, on my health, on the food choices that I make, on every aspect of my being.
I feel broken, but I am not, no one can ever break me and that is the part he cant stand, he doesnt see the problem with my being stuck in a place that to me is isolated and dark and alone and ungiving, and I cant make him see that the very thought of it depresses me to the worst possible feeling of all.
I am very much at a crossroads.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Last night, just after dark, which was actually only around 6pm, I took puppy out to TRY to go, she on the other hand prefers to pretend shes a squirrel and gather walnuts off the ground.
Being that there was already several inches of snow on the ground, her smelling sense was off and all she wanted to do was run and play in the snow.
It was after about 5 minutes of being out in the dark snow that I realized, there was a mini-van sitting on the bank by the highway, it was somewhat lodged between the bank off the highway and a tree inside the yard.
I walked down to it and felt the hood to see if it was still warm, wondering how long this had happened and why I had heard nothing.
I tapped on the window and looked inside, just to make sure no one was inside, cold or injured.
I was afraid to try the handle on the door, the way the van was just somewhat hovering over a ditch.
No one was inside and the van remains there this morning.
The roads got really bad here last night. Yet people were still out traveling.
What is it about cold and icy roads and snow that makes us want to roam?
Where we live is in the hills, all around us, are hills and roads and trails.
All hours of the night, atv's ran the roads coming and going.
Other than taking the puppy out, I opted to stay inside and well, EAT.
I got on a late night snack binge.
I dont know why, or what force was behind it.
But I snacked, on a beef sausage stick and 4 mini white donuts and crackers.
Now this morning, I am back on track, lol. lol lol.
I read somewhere on here, or maybe it was a comment to me, that each day is new, whatever we do the day before is no reflection of the new day.
Put the past behind you and move on, get back on track each day????
Is this what I am to understand???
Well, I am not going to follow that advice anymore because here is what happens, I allow myself to snack and eat junk and not exercise, etc. Then I tell myself its ok, you messed up yesterday but today is all new.
Well if I continue to follow that motto, I will mess up every day.
I dont know if its the cold weather, staying inside, what is going on with me.
As I blogged recently, going to bed at 6 pm seems to be my only real defense against eating late in the evening.
Because I do so well in the day.
I need a new motto and a new willpower and some appetite and self control.
and I need the snow and ice to melt and the sun to come back and I need to walk.
And I need to stop being so excuse making and just get off my butt and do what needs to be done.
Monday, January 20, 2014
First of all, thanks to everyone who commented on my blog yesteday.
The day got away from me, it was a hard struggle filled day, mostly of my own making.
But as for food, the only slip up I had was the chips and my son finally come and got his birthday cake out of my house, UNCUT!!!
The Broncos are Superbowl bound, and that is a good thing.
While I was mostly distracted during the game. After my blog yesterday I decided to do something, so I cleaned, I put puppy in her crate, and I vacuumed and dusted and pulled out furniture and cleaned, then I swept the kitchen and mopped.
Washed up all the dishes and had a healthy supper of chicken patty and peas and carrots.
And I felt alot better.
Puppy went out to potty at 5pm and again at 8 and she played so much that at around 10 pm she went to her crate all on her own.
and she did go once on her pad.
It was a better night.
She really didnt fall fully asleep until midnight so she slept later this morning and I didnt have to get up til 8am!!!
The sun is out today and while the wind is still cold and swift, the ice is frozen in the water pail sitting by the front porch, it feels better out there.
Puppy and I have been out 2 times this morning and I have been enjoying the feel of the sun on my face.
No pee pee or dog poo accidents so far inside today.
Going to clean up and go to my friends dads service tonight and then come home and wait for the snow we are due.
I am feeling better today.
A little headachy but not down and blue and depressed like yesterday.
I know there will be puppy accidents and I know there will be arguments and I know there will be cold dark days to come.
and I know I will even slip up and eat things I am not supposed to.
But not today!!!
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