Friday, January 31, 2014
I dont mean to wish my life away.
I just want to say I am happy the first month of the year is done.
Tomorrow is the baby shower for my neice, I havent sat down all day, two trips to the store for supplies, my car is loaded and so is the fridge.
Gotta get up in the morning and make sandwiches and frost cupcakes and head to the center to decorate.
Not to mention, take a shower and do my hair, and find something, SOME THING????, to wear.
I dont seem to have any clothes these days!!
Then after this is done, time to start on getting my own issues lined out and getting things back on track for MY life.
Maybe even do a little job hunting.
I was asked if I wanted to work by a neighbor in her pawn/flower shop a few evenings a week.
Well, of course I said yes, but that was a week ago and so far, no call.
I cant understand people like that.
Why offer if you have no need or no intention of actually following thru.
I really need to add that to my list of things to organize, people who I want in my life, people who need to go.
No weight loss at all for the whole first month.
I need to move that to the TOP of the list!!!
Thursday, January 30, 2014
A friend of mine was talking recently about how hes been having the same odd dream, not so much scary, just the same dream, that he is being chased by a bear. And sometimes he can see it and sometimes he cant, and sometimes he thinks it isnt a bear, but some other large animal or unseen predator.
I told him I feel this dream means he is running from something he has left unfinished.
Or some mistake he knows he needs to go back and fix.
Something he thought he left behind him but maybe its undone and that is why it chases him.
I told him to sit and think of things he might have left unsaid, undone, some debt he owes, someone he might have wronged.
I can dispense this advice easily but why cant I follow advice I so readily give others?
I have been running, hiding, denying for so so long and putting off the inevitable.
Just wishing and hoping it can be fixed or repaired or at least duct taped until it at least holds a little longer.
But I know it cant be.
I am just scared, just like my friend is scared of what chases behind him in his dream, I am scared of what lies hidden in dark corners and ahead of me down dark unexplored roads.
I know I need to make so many changes in my life.
and I know that baby steps right now has to be the way for me.
I dont seem to have really strange or scary dreams, I often dream I cant find the phone or that I find the phone and need to make an important call, and the phone is broken, or I keep missing the numbers.
Lately I have noticed my sleep interrupted, not by dreams, but by me and the fact that I need to dust off the old cpap machine and start using it again.
I hadnt used it in probably 6 to 8 months, but maybe its the heat on in the house and my sinus' being dried out or maybe its the foods I am eating and the fact I get very little exercise lately.
But I am going to clean it good tonight before bed and back to using it again.
Back to the changes I need to make....
I am starting with this Sunday, after my neices babyshower is finished Saturday and I am able to get that commitment over.
I am going to begin getting my life organized.
I am going to begin with cleaning out the little things, like reducing my monthly outgoing payments, I am going to have my cable tv either fully turned off or reduced to the most basic bare channels.
The fact that I never turn my tv on, except to check the weather, watch Days of our Lives, if I am home, and maybe the evening news.
I have sat here since about 6pm with the tv off and have no desire to turn it on.
I love Game of Thrones on HBO and the Walking Dead.
I can watch these online or go to my sons or a friends.
This alone with save me between 35 and 75 per month.
Next I am going to pay off store credit cards. I have one that I only owe 26 dollars on, that one is easy, the next is 102, that one will be next and then the bigger one of 460, this one will take a few payments to get lined out but no more charging.
Next after that, I currently have vonage at a rate of 18 per month, that will go up to 29 in a few months, I am going to look into Magic Jack, where I might even be able to get a payment of around 10 dollars a month or less for home phone service. And the only reason I have home phone service at all, is because I live in a very poorly serviced area for cell service, yes I can get a signal at my home, but I have to go outside to send a text and I can get a call on my phone but it is dropped the minute I pick up my cell.
So therefore, as long as I live in this home, I will have to have a home phone.
And that is another issue, my electric bill sky rocketed his month, doubled in 2 months and I am seriously going to have to watch how much kilowatt hours I use.
Honestly I just think the power company gave us such a huge rate increase that it wont matter.
Then I am going to start organizing my home.
I clean out rooms repeatedly and seem to never really get anywhere.
I have sold several larger items and a whole shelf of books and a laundry basket full of my old clothes.
Next is going to be sorting thru what I absolutely need and cannot live without and the items that I havent touched and or looked at in years.
Then and not lastly its time to focus on ME.
My physical health is NOT going to improve as long as I stay stressed out emotionally.
I know I have to make a hard decision and I know I have to do it soon.
But lately, it doesnt seem all that hard.
And like I said, tonight I sit here alone, no tv and just the dog for company and it isnt all that bad.
The fear isnt what lies behind me, its what lies ahead.
And that isnt just the thoughts what I might be giving up, but what I might find.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Thanks to friends who commented on my blog yesterday.
I am doing much better today.
I know I make the new place sound horrid, but its really not. It has a big scrawling yard and its a nice place, it is just located at the top of a steep road and in winter, it is this way for many people around here.
Icy hilsides that see little to no sunlight and I know many others who are in the same situation, if they dont drive their cars to the road the night before, and it snows, they are stranded.
I just hate the thoughts of it so much, I live right by the main highway now and I have gotten used to being able to go when I want and not having to worry about such nonsense.
I dont know what I am going to do about the situation, but for now, I am keeping my mouth shut and staying right where I am and he hasnt made much more comment about it.
Spring and summer might be a different story but then I know winter will come again.
I have done better today, cleaned house a little and went to the tanning bed, ate some subway and took my vitamins, had some healthy orange juice and milk and now I am just catching up on SP.
I feel better today, not as cold, but the wind is still bitter and punishing.
Tonight we are supposed to get another round of this artic blast of cold and I dont honestly know how much more I can stand.
I dread opening the door.
Maybe I will just stay indoors.
Saturday we were to have a baby shower for my neice, but the cold and snow made us reschedule, and I am hoping this Saturday will be alot better.
I weigh tomorrow and I already know, because I cheated and got on the scale today, that there is no good news to report.
No bad either, still even steven.
Maybe when it gets so hot I can sweat off some calories, I promise not to complain about the heat!
Sunday, January 26, 2014
“Nothing burns like the cold. But only for a while. Then it gets inside you and starts to fill you up, and after a while you don't have the strength to fight it.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
“In winter this town is freezing. You step out your door in the morning and the whole place looks like one of those nature specials in which a guy brings a camcorder to the North Pole and then the camera cuts out and you hear on the news that he got eaten by a bear”
― Flynn Meaney, The Boy Recession
I wonder lately if it would be better to be eaten by a bear? than to endure the winter we are now.
I must confess, I havent been Sparking much the last few days. I havent been doing much of anything really.
Freezing seems to take up quiet a bit of my time.
Huddled under a blanket, with thick socks and a hoodie at times.
Trying to conserve, and yet my electric bill was still over 300 dollars.
We went to go to the new place but the hill was a solid sheet of ice and my heart sank deeper and I knew I couldnt endure this.
I cannot and will not be made a prisoner on a hillside deep in a cold dark holler.
Having to bring my car off in the event of every snow that comes so that I might not be stranded there.
And still knowing that if I do, it means walking off the snowy icy covered road and that in itself is a danger I do not want to face.
I just dont think I can do this.
I think the best move for me is to go and try to get into some kind of rental assisted apartment, I know I cannot stay in my own home and I cannot go to a home that is as cold to me as the wind that cuts thru me everytime I open the front door.
Depression and desperation have taken over the last few days and I am sinking.
I havent been watching what I eat or caring to take the time to track it.
I feel so lost and indecisive. I think the biggest fear for me is knowing that deep down I have made my choice and he has made his and that means no more compromise, because I was the only one who was compromising at all, defeated and surrendering to a life in a place I had no desire to be.
I guess there are worse things, like actually being there.
My body aches all over, I went to bed last night shivering and shaking from cold, and I feel my throat is getting sore, my ears have been infected for days.
I know that the stress is taking a toll on my life, on my health, on the food choices that I make, on every aspect of my being.
I feel broken, but I am not, no one can ever break me and that is the part he cant stand, he doesnt see the problem with my being stuck in a place that to me is isolated and dark and alone and ungiving, and I cant make him see that the very thought of it depresses me to the worst possible feeling of all.
I am very much at a crossroads.
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