Sunday, December 22, 2013
No word today on my SIL, my brother hasn't called or messaged me and no one else in the family has either. I talked to him yesterday and cant seem to make him understand the seriousness of the mistake that was made in the treatment by the hospital staff.
Cant seem to make him understand that HE needs to stand up and voice his concern and insist on talking to the doctor and finding out why this happened and who is responsible and maybe even getting her moved for better treatment.
Also cant seem to make him see that praying isn't the only decision to be made here and that he needs to see that he has a leg to stand on, he acts as though he is at the mercy of the hospital workers and has to go along with them.
I would have already contacted an attorney and be making it known to them that I intended to hold someone responsible, I would also already be asking for nursing notes, etc.
Only a few days to go. And all the planning, prepping, spending, buying, wrapping, etc will come to be.
Seems pretty crazy when I sit and look at it. My mom cooks this huge meal, my sister and I both cook huge amounts of food. We convene and we eat, and we get so full we get sick, then we eat more later, then we have tons of food still left over.
I say every year I will not take part, and last year, I didn't. Last year was the smartest I ever played it.
I ate very little and the foods I did eat, were mostly of the turkey and veggie kind.
I didn't indulge in desserts and starches galore.
I can only hope to try hard to do the same this year.
So far, I haven't been able to stay out of the candy. While I haven't over indulged, I have sampled, and sampled some more.
But today it will all be gone. It will all be delivered and out of the house and I will be happy about that.
I haven't gotten on the scale in close to 2 weeks, I don't have to because I know I have gained, I can tell by my clothes.
I can feel it and see it.
and still have a week to deal with, getting thru the cooking and eating and leftovers, etc.
and forget walking, I haven't been in over a week. Rain and wind, I just cant deal with.
But things cannot continue on down this same path.
I have to get back to that place, that RIGHT place, that place in my head and in my body, in my recovery of myself.
As for the alcohol I purchased on Friday night, I called the store and they will let me return it with the receipt.
both are unopened and both are going back tomorrow.
I decided this while beating myself up for buying it.
It is wrong of me to give alcohol as a gift to someone who might also be dealing with some issues, just as its wrong of me to make and give out candy and cookies to others, when I, myself tell everyone how bad sugar is for the body.
I have made some big mistakes and some bad decisions lately, regarding food. and I can and will return the alcohol. What possessed me to buy it in the first place?
I had not had a drink in around a month.
the desire to have a good time or to release some pent up frustrations of not having had a good time, or stress from over eating, lack of exercise, a momentary lapse in judgement?
I don't know, but I know this, its going back, those two bottles alone are well over 30 dollars,
So, tomorrow I am off to the liquor store to return the unopened and un wanted bottles.
I will be glad to rid my home of them and move on.
Why is it, I often wonder, we set dates to BEGIN new lifestyles or diets or exercise programs or whatever other life changes we decide to make.
Why do we say, Monday, I am going to begin this, or I will have one last hooray and then I will start.
I think the time to do something is the moment it enters the mind to do it.
I would take the liquor back today if they were open on Sunday.
But the choice is made, its going back, I will NOT indulge in those calories, and I will not offer that choice to anyone else.
Yes, I see the errors I have made, the poor decisions. I stumbled, but luckily I caught myself before I fell.
So, decision made, today, I will get rid of the candy, and this time next year, I will with any luck, be candy free, alcohol free, and hopefully back on the right path to good health, weight loss and hopefully these added pounds will once again find their way OFF my body and more will follow.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Some of you may recall I blogged about my sister in law, being so sick and needing surgery for her bowel.
Well, we went to visit her in the hospital yesterday and she was doing ok.
She had developed pneumonia and was having to use oxygen mask to be able to get a good breath.
We left the hospital at 12 noon and went shopping, and around 6pm, my brother in law calls my sister and tells her that Val, her name as well, had taken a turn for the worst and her iv came out and they couldnt get it in because her veins are so broken down and they were trying to do a pic line, and for some reason, they nicked her lung and caused her lung to collapse.
Her already labored breathing was made worse and she had to have a chest tube.
Now shes in ICU with a chest tube and a collapsed lung and pneumonia.
I am not big on asking anyone for prayer, I believe people do what they want or pray or not.
I dont consider myself a religious person, I am more spiritual.
But if you are a praying person, I ask that you would send one her way, for the sake of her 8 year old son.
So, other than that whole fiasco.
Yesterday I got all my shopping done.
Came home intending to clean and finish bagging up all the cookies and candy and I was just too beat to do anything.
I came home and set here watching tv and was in bed by 11pm and dead to the world.
Today, I will clean and deliver some candy and cookies to friends.
and wrap all the presents that are still unwrapped.
Get everything taken to my moms for the Christmas party and get it out of my house so I can acutally move around.
My family seems to be multiplying, what was once a family gathering of 6 or 7, is now a gathering of about 20.
and growing, my niece will have a little one here by next Christmas.
Next year, I have decided, its too much to buy gifts for everyone, or make candy and cookies for so many.
I am going to enjoy this one tradition one last year and next year, everyone is getting a gift card.
In holding with honesty and coming clean and confessions and admissions, I will share this, especially with those of you on my CDTB team, yesterday, I purchased a bottle of evan williams bourbon eggnog.
and a bottle of skinney girl cosmo which is cranberry vodka.
Why did I do this????
I am still asking myself this.
Especially since, not only is it high on the calorie list, and a no no in staying away from alcohol which I had done for probably 28 days or longer.
It was costly. The two bottles together were 30 dollars!!!!
30 dollars I could have used for so many other more important things.
But, I was weak. I was just thinking about myself in that moment, tired, sore and achy from walking and shopping and riding in the car all day.
I wonder if the liquor store takes unopened returns?
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Not much success with the bank today. I have to check back in tomorrow and I am going to a different branch to see if anyone there knows more than the nimcompoops I have been dealing with.
What upsets me the most about it, is that they know they made a mistake, and yet, they make it so that myself and the others involved are the ones who have to be put out, we are the ones who have to change pin numbers, account numbers, etc and go thru all these channels to make sure that everything is fixed.
They say theres no other way, well, in my opinion, there should be at least an apology for making this mess and an attempt to help iron it out.
Spent today by myself, just got up, got in the car and headed out to finish up my shopping and it was so nice outside today.
The stores werent as crowded as you might think.
I came home and finished up the last of my candy and cookie making and got that all packaged up for distributing out.
I really have decided to not make this candy next year. It is too messy, expensive and time consuming and besides, I myself do not like eating it, so I feel wrong inflicting it on others who might also be dealing with food issues.
The next two days are going to be spent getting this bank stuff taken care of, waiting on the last of the Christmas to arrive and wrapping the last of the gifts and hopefully by Sunday, I will be totally finished and can breath for one whole day before beginning the cooking and family visits, etc.
All I really want to do is walk. I guess I did quite a bit today in the stores, but I want to be on the track.
I want warmer weather and I want to put all these issues behind me and just go walking.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Things I learned today. I have the worst luck and the shortest fuse!!!
I lose things easily, and no matter how organized I try to be, I never am.
I am always under Murphy's Law, if something can go wrong, it will. and if I try to print pics, my ink will run out.
And I think my friend uses me for a wing man.
I get invited to lunch, when she wants flirt with a local worker who comes into the same place to eat.
I think they discuss it and when he is going to be in the area, she wants to meet him for lunch, and uses me as an excuse.
Today, one thing she learned was that I dont have time for her games.
I was in the midst of dealing with these financial problems, which the bank created by their own incompetence, stupidity and laziness.
and she messages me wanting me to meet for lunch.
She didnt respond earlier, when I asked her if she wanted to have lunch with ME.
But she knew just where he was having lunch, because she texted me and asked me if I wanted to go there. not knowing I had just seen his work truck.
I told her to go have lunch with the man because she didnt want or need me there.
and she learned that I am not going to play games like that anymore. She didnt ask me to go out drinking with her tonight as she had said she was going to and its a good thing, because the mood I was in, I might have said something harsh and regretful, but I dont regret showing her that I was onto her nonsense and she needs to get a new excuse.
I also learned that when I let my guard down and begin to believe people around me and my own thoughts, that things will work out for the best and wont be all that bad, that I find out just how wrong I was and how I should have kept my guard up.
I also learned that I am not that good at making buckeyes. or chocolate covered peanut butter balls.
But I made them anyway. and I only ate maybe 2, or 3.
I learned that if I order someone lotion from Victoria's Secret, I shouldnt open it to see how it smells, because I am going to want to keep it for myself.
I also learned that sometimes, when you think a situation or a person or a thought is behind you, it never really is because it will find you and one day you might walk around a corner and see it standing there and what can you do, the town is small and they arent going any farther than you are.
So, you keep on walking, and push that back down on the bottom of your list of things to worry about.
And I learned that just because someone works in a professional job, like for example, in a bank, doesnt mean they have any sense and that they will cut corners and take shortcuts to save themselves a little work and screw with peoples lives and then they will deny that they did anything wrong.
And the customer is the one who ends up having to run here and there to try to get this situation straightened out and hopefully save any future problems.
Never mind the fact that this incompetent persons costly mistake, made 3 people have to go and totally close out their accounts and re-do the whole thing, new account numbers, new pin numbers, contacting every business that does automatic payments, such as your car insurance, etc.
and they sit in their office laughing it up on the phone, and they got the job becasue their uncle was once the mayor of the town.
Yes, i know it sounds crazy, but it is all true and its what you deal with in a small town and you have to deal with people who have no concept of what the situation they created has done to your life.
But, I also learned that I still have to live life and cook and clean house and wrap gifts and try to not go crazy, waiting to see if things are going to go from bad to worse.
And if they do, what can I do.
and one last thing I learned today, I cant walk at the track I love and have walked at for 2 years because the town began doing work, laying water lines and drains and repaving it, weeks and weeks ago, put up yellow tape and left it.
And water is standing on the ground. So, this means, going to the next track, and getting my walk and hoping to do so tomorrow, and be done with Christmas candy making and get my house cleaned up, just in time to start cooking holiday dinner.
and thus went my day.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
I got up this morning, and started listening to music, sitting here with my earbuds on, listenng to some of my walking songs.
I hear them like I never really heard them before, when I am on the walking track.
A song comes to me, gets into my mind, I hear the words, I feel the emotion, I find where it fits in my life at the moment.
Today, I have a stressful situation to deal with. I have stressed to the point that my hair is dry and breaking.
I considered getting drunk, I considered eating junk, I considered crying.
Then I said, to Hades with all of that!!!
After talking to a good friend last night, I just understood, nothing I can do will change what has already happened, I can only move on from here, make the necessary changes that will end this situation and go into the next day a little clearer.
I wont go into details, alot of it is financial and I have been alot poorer in my past than I am now, I will figure it out.
But I feel better about it right at this moment.
By 2pm today, I might be in full melt down mode, I am sure hoping not, but my friend told me, whatever happens is going to happen and you just have to see that it isnt as bad as it could be.
So, I spent last night making candy, for friends and relatives, and I didnt eat any, and I didnt drink any of the bourbon that I used to make it.
I did it to keep myself busy and not dwell on things I have no control over.
The whole year of 2013, I have said was one of the worst years of my life and it didnt fail to live up to that title.
Only weeks away from the end of the year and this hits me, but like I said, it happened in this horrible year, the lost year, the year of pain, the year of loss, job loss, the year of emotional upheaval and desperation and broken bones and medication and devices to help bones heal.
And it was beginning to ease, but it made sure to get one last jab in on me before it bid adieu!!!
The one positive, the one comfort, the one in your face, straighten up and fly right was SP.
all of you who commented on blogs, sent private messages, helped me thru the pain, sent words of encouragement, kept me grounded.
Just reading your blogs and message boards, showed me I wasnt alone.
We all deal with what comes our way, "this thing of ours"/
I seen others dealing with much worse than I.
and I got words of encouragement, and others told me to suck it up and deal with it.
Thanks to all of you, and I just hope these words, of Metallica, the song I never fail to listen to on the walking track, will help you see what I feel about SP and how comforting it is to come here each day. Losing weight, eating right, walking, drinking water, taking my vitamins, not drinking alcohol, victories and losses and depths of despair and rises to glory, I share with each of you.
""""Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters
So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters""""
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