Tuesday, December 17, 2013
I got up this morning, and started listening to music, sitting here with my earbuds on, listenng to some of my walking songs.
I hear them like I never really heard them before, when I am on the walking track.
A song comes to me, gets into my mind, I hear the words, I feel the emotion, I find where it fits in my life at the moment.
Today, I have a stressful situation to deal with. I have stressed to the point that my hair is dry and breaking.
I considered getting drunk, I considered eating junk, I considered crying.
Then I said, to Hades with all of that!!!
After talking to a good friend last night, I just understood, nothing I can do will change what has already happened, I can only move on from here, make the necessary changes that will end this situation and go into the next day a little clearer.
I wont go into details, alot of it is financial and I have been alot poorer in my past than I am now, I will figure it out.
But I feel better about it right at this moment.
By 2pm today, I might be in full melt down mode, I am sure hoping not, but my friend told me, whatever happens is going to happen and you just have to see that it isnt as bad as it could be.
So, I spent last night making candy, for friends and relatives, and I didnt eat any, and I didnt drink any of the bourbon that I used to make it.
I did it to keep myself busy and not dwell on things I have no control over.
The whole year of 2013, I have said was one of the worst years of my life and it didnt fail to live up to that title.
Only weeks away from the end of the year and this hits me, but like I said, it happened in this horrible year, the lost year, the year of pain, the year of loss, job loss, the year of emotional upheaval and desperation and broken bones and medication and devices to help bones heal.
And it was beginning to ease, but it made sure to get one last jab in on me before it bid adieu!!!
The one positive, the one comfort, the one in your face, straighten up and fly right was SP.
all of you who commented on blogs, sent private messages, helped me thru the pain, sent words of encouragement, kept me grounded.
Just reading your blogs and message boards, showed me I wasnt alone.
We all deal with what comes our way, "this thing of ours"/
I seen others dealing with much worse than I.
and I got words of encouragement, and others told me to suck it up and deal with it.
Thanks to all of you, and I just hope these words, of Metallica, the song I never fail to listen to on the walking track, will help you see what I feel about SP and how comforting it is to come here each day. Losing weight, eating right, walking, drinking water, taking my vitamins, not drinking alcohol, victories and losses and depths of despair and rises to glory, I share with each of you.
""""Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters
So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters""""
Monday, December 16, 2013
Stressed out to the max. I have a very important meeting tomorrow that could change the course of my life and could be very bad for me if it goes the wrong way.
There is nothing I can really do about it, but just go and deal with what needs to be dealt with.
I see people saying, pray on it, I see people saying God doesnt give us more than we can handle, I see people saying you cant change what is or something like that, I am unsure, but all in all, it means, theres not a darn thing I can do about it.
I can make a few changes that might help, but overall, it will probably not help.
So, I sit here stressing, not knowing how bad it might be, or if I am just stressing and worrying over nothing.
I doubt it is nothing.
But what can I do, like I said, it is going to go my way or its not.
I have to accept it and live with it.
Doesnt stop me from stressing out over it.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
I found my micro card adaptor today, laying in my hallway floor, outside the laundry room door, I am thinking it was in my pocket and fell out, oh well, at least it wasnt laundered.
I got my desktop fixed, thats one thing off my list.
Got a few more gifts to wrap, honey is off the next two days, tomorrow is do nothing outside of the house day.
Get those gifts wrapped, the house in order to start making candy.
Tuesday I have an appointment and we are going to see Madea, and maybe get some of our grocery shopping lined out and then home to try to breathe a few days before the holiday go go go.
Today was a much more relaxing day than yesterday and didnt overeat or eat junk.
Feeling a little more organized.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
I never really thought of myself as being OCD, but I am, I really am. Despite the rain.
Today, I went to the store, picked up some household items, toilet paper, etc.
Came home intending to clean a little and wrap gifts and get the kitchen organized for candy making.
I had some pics on my phone I wanted to put on my computer, so I began looking for my card adapter. I keep it on the table next to the couch, but it wasn't there, sometimes for safe keeping I put it in my purse, it wasn't there, I took my couch and chair cushions out and searched down in them, moved the tables, moved the gifts under the tree, looked thru all the bags, and boxes and drawers, and it never turned up.
Now, the importance of finding the card wasn't the issue, it can be replaced, I just go obsessed with finding it/
I did get some cleaning done in the search process, as it usually takes something like that for me to really do a deep clean.
I purged all old newspapers and sales paper and left over wrapping paper, cleaned off the tables and searched and searched and never found it.
I have no idea where it can be, I will go to the store in a few days and buy another one, and then that one will turn up as is almost always the case.
On one good note, I have been selling off some of my stuff to purge the house before the move.
I do not intend to go to the new place packing in the same old junk I have buried in the back of closets for years/
I have a lady interested in my portable hairdryer and another pair of boots.
one day at a time.
My sister in law if very sick, she had surgery a few days ago on her intestine, she had to have I guess what is called a resection of her intestine or colon, and shes bad off, she was moved to ICU tonight because they think she has a blood clot on her lung.
I currently have no home phone because we are moving in a few weeks so I just let it go and the only way I can find anything out is on Facebook.
It puts things into perspective.
She isn't overweight or has had no real health issues, she has worked since she was a teenager and worked hard and this all just came on in the last couple of years, crohns disease.
I want to be healthy, I want to know what its like for once in the last 20 plus years to live in a body that isn't flab!!!
I know I will never be skinney and I don't want to be, I know I will have flab and loose skin with each pound I lose, and I know I am not getting any younger.
I do want to live in a healthy body.
but I want also to lose weight, I can say its about being healthy all I want, but inside my heart and soul, I know I just want to weight less, much less.
I no longer want a 2 in front of my weight on my charts or on my scale.
Friday, December 13, 2013
I was sitting here, waiting, very impatiently.
And it led me to think about how impatient I can really be.
For one, waiting for my vitamin d to increase, I know its going to be months before it raises enough to make any difference.
Waiting for the cold weather to go away, it seems I can no longer tolerate the cold. Walking for me is next to impossible. But not totally impossible. I just hate the cold so much.
Waiting to see the numbers on the scale moving downward again.
At this moment, waiting to hear from a lady about buying some items I have for sale.
It has been 20 minutes since she messaged me and I messaged her back, no response.
I hate that.
I am feeling a little better about one thing, getting my home a little closer to being organized.
I sold almost all of my "fat" clothes.
I sold a bike, and some boots, and some books, and right now, pending a sale on a cabinet.
I am ready to walk out the door, I have errands to run. I need to pick up wrapping paper and get the rest of my gifts wrapped and put away.
But, still I wait.
I will give her until 2pm then I am gone.
It is so cold, as I stated, I hate it, despise it. I could never ever live in Alaska or Canada or any other cold place.
I need heat, and sunlight and soon.
Have decided to start trying to cut back on my caffeine, I do NOT drink soda of any kind whatsoever, but have replaced it with coffee.
I am going to start cutting back to a few cups a week instead of a few cups a day.
I don't know if really does play a role in vitamin d absorption, but just in case, I want to do whatever I can to increase my D.
I have been put back on the high dose pill and I am going to do everything I can to get this lined out and get my weight and exercise back on track.
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