Monday, December 16, 2013
Stressed out to the max. I have a very important meeting tomorrow that could change the course of my life and could be very bad for me if it goes the wrong way.
There is nothing I can really do about it, but just go and deal with what needs to be dealt with.
I see people saying, pray on it, I see people saying God doesnt give us more than we can handle, I see people saying you cant change what is or something like that, I am unsure, but all in all, it means, theres not a darn thing I can do about it.
I can make a few changes that might help, but overall, it will probably not help.
So, I sit here stressing, not knowing how bad it might be, or if I am just stressing and worrying over nothing.
I doubt it is nothing.
But what can I do, like I said, it is going to go my way or its not.
I have to accept it and live with it.
Doesnt stop me from stressing out over it.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
I found my micro card adaptor today, laying in my hallway floor, outside the laundry room door, I am thinking it was in my pocket and fell out, oh well, at least it wasnt laundered.
I got my desktop fixed, thats one thing off my list.
Got a few more gifts to wrap, honey is off the next two days, tomorrow is do nothing outside of the house day.
Get those gifts wrapped, the house in order to start making candy.
Tuesday I have an appointment and we are going to see Madea, and maybe get some of our grocery shopping lined out and then home to try to breathe a few days before the holiday go go go.
Today was a much more relaxing day than yesterday and didnt overeat or eat junk.
Feeling a little more organized.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
I never really thought of myself as being OCD, but I am, I really am. Despite the rain.
Today, I went to the store, picked up some household items, toilet paper, etc.
Came home intending to clean a little and wrap gifts and get the kitchen organized for candy making.
I had some pics on my phone I wanted to put on my computer, so I began looking for my card adapter. I keep it on the table next to the couch, but it wasn't there, sometimes for safe keeping I put it in my purse, it wasn't there, I took my couch and chair cushions out and searched down in them, moved the tables, moved the gifts under the tree, looked thru all the bags, and boxes and drawers, and it never turned up.
Now, the importance of finding the card wasn't the issue, it can be replaced, I just go obsessed with finding it/
I did get some cleaning done in the search process, as it usually takes something like that for me to really do a deep clean.
I purged all old newspapers and sales paper and left over wrapping paper, cleaned off the tables and searched and searched and never found it.
I have no idea where it can be, I will go to the store in a few days and buy another one, and then that one will turn up as is almost always the case.
On one good note, I have been selling off some of my stuff to purge the house before the move.
I do not intend to go to the new place packing in the same old junk I have buried in the back of closets for years/
I have a lady interested in my portable hairdryer and another pair of boots.
one day at a time.
My sister in law if very sick, she had surgery a few days ago on her intestine, she had to have I guess what is called a resection of her intestine or colon, and shes bad off, she was moved to ICU tonight because they think she has a blood clot on her lung.
I currently have no home phone because we are moving in a few weeks so I just let it go and the only way I can find anything out is on Facebook.
It puts things into perspective.
She isn't overweight or has had no real health issues, she has worked since she was a teenager and worked hard and this all just came on in the last couple of years, crohns disease.
I want to be healthy, I want to know what its like for once in the last 20 plus years to live in a body that isn't flab!!!
I know I will never be skinney and I don't want to be, I know I will have flab and loose skin with each pound I lose, and I know I am not getting any younger.
I do want to live in a healthy body.
but I want also to lose weight, I can say its about being healthy all I want, but inside my heart and soul, I know I just want to weight less, much less.
I no longer want a 2 in front of my weight on my charts or on my scale.
Friday, December 13, 2013
I was sitting here, waiting, very impatiently.
And it led me to think about how impatient I can really be.
For one, waiting for my vitamin d to increase, I know its going to be months before it raises enough to make any difference.
Waiting for the cold weather to go away, it seems I can no longer tolerate the cold. Walking for me is next to impossible. But not totally impossible. I just hate the cold so much.
Waiting to see the numbers on the scale moving downward again.
At this moment, waiting to hear from a lady about buying some items I have for sale.
It has been 20 minutes since she messaged me and I messaged her back, no response.
I hate that.
I am feeling a little better about one thing, getting my home a little closer to being organized.
I sold almost all of my "fat" clothes.
I sold a bike, and some boots, and some books, and right now, pending a sale on a cabinet.
I am ready to walk out the door, I have errands to run. I need to pick up wrapping paper and get the rest of my gifts wrapped and put away.
But, still I wait.
I will give her until 2pm then I am gone.
It is so cold, as I stated, I hate it, despise it. I could never ever live in Alaska or Canada or any other cold place.
I need heat, and sunlight and soon.
Have decided to start trying to cut back on my caffeine, I do NOT drink soda of any kind whatsoever, but have replaced it with coffee.
I am going to start cutting back to a few cups a week instead of a few cups a day.
I don't know if really does play a role in vitamin d absorption, but just in case, I want to do whatever I can to increase my D.
I have been put back on the high dose pill and I am going to do everything I can to get this lined out and get my weight and exercise back on track.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Had my doctors appointment, wasn't too disappointed, nor surprised by my weight.
Its about the same, same old same old same.
So, she put me on the 50,000iu of vitamin d, once a week for 2 months, then I will go back to her, and I am to take my d3 daily, I am currently taking 7,000iu.
Eating lots of tuna, salmon, mushrooms, drinking way too much milk and fortified orange juice.
And getting whatever sunshine I can manage.
Going to give the tanning bed a try, it might not add too much to my vitamin d, but it might lift my spirits some.
It is so bitter cold here, my car doors have frozen shut two days in a row.
I got out of the doctors office and went to do a little shopping, LITTLE being the word, I was just too tired, I have no energy, the doctor says the low D might be causing it, but I think its a combo of the foods I have been eating, and the cold.
On a happy note, today I sold an armload of my fat clothes, for 75.00 bucks, yeahhhh.
Some of them clothes had been hanging in the closet for several years, a few still had the tags on them.
Now, I am NOT going shopping for fat clothes. I am going to buckle down and soon, I hope to be shopping little by little for littler clothes!!!
Maybe they wont be LITTLE but they will be smaller than now.
These obstacles and tests thrown in my path, will not deter me.
My best friend, SM, often asks me how my walking is coming along, encourages me to walk, offers to come with me and does sometimes.
I heard this song yesterday and it made me think of him, what hes been thru the last 2 years, and how the events in his life, and events in my sons life, also helped shape events in my own life. I sent him these lyrics and told him this was meant for him, as he has walked thru fire and survived, he said the song was meant for me, lol, I guess we really are two peas in a pod. He is my best friend, none has had a friend as he has been to me.
I think people are drawn to others for a reason, he tells me all the time had I not been there to write him letters and visit him when he was going thru his time in jail and his trial, he might not have had the strength and courage to carry on, he sees me as a positive motivator and I was motivated to get healthy and save my life, in order to be there for him, my son, my family and myself.
How I took a look at the pain they were going thru and the hard battles they were fighting and made me want to fight hard too.
I can conquer all these battles. I will win.
I have warriors at my side.
I think as narcissistic as it sounds, WE are OUR OWN TRUE LOVES.
And as you walk through death's dark veil
the cannon's thunder can't prevail
And those who hunt thee down will fail
and you will be my ain true love
and you will be my ain true love
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