Saturday, December 14, 2013
I never really thought of myself as being OCD, but I am, I really am. Despite the rain.
Today, I went to the store, picked up some household items, toilet paper, etc.
Came home intending to clean a little and wrap gifts and get the kitchen organized for candy making.
I had some pics on my phone I wanted to put on my computer, so I began looking for my card adapter. I keep it on the table next to the couch, but it wasn't there, sometimes for safe keeping I put it in my purse, it wasn't there, I took my couch and chair cushions out and searched down in them, moved the tables, moved the gifts under the tree, looked thru all the bags, and boxes and drawers, and it never turned up.
Now, the importance of finding the card wasn't the issue, it can be replaced, I just go obsessed with finding it/
I did get some cleaning done in the search process, as it usually takes something like that for me to really do a deep clean.
I purged all old newspapers and sales paper and left over wrapping paper, cleaned off the tables and searched and searched and never found it.
I have no idea where it can be, I will go to the store in a few days and buy another one, and then that one will turn up as is almost always the case.
On one good note, I have been selling off some of my stuff to purge the house before the move.
I do not intend to go to the new place packing in the same old junk I have buried in the back of closets for years/
I have a lady interested in my portable hairdryer and another pair of boots.
one day at a time.
My sister in law if very sick, she had surgery a few days ago on her intestine, she had to have I guess what is called a resection of her intestine or colon, and shes bad off, she was moved to ICU tonight because they think she has a blood clot on her lung.
I currently have no home phone because we are moving in a few weeks so I just let it go and the only way I can find anything out is on Facebook.
It puts things into perspective.
She isn't overweight or has had no real health issues, she has worked since she was a teenager and worked hard and this all just came on in the last couple of years, crohns disease.
I want to be healthy, I want to know what its like for once in the last 20 plus years to live in a body that isn't flab!!!
I know I will never be skinney and I don't want to be, I know I will have flab and loose skin with each pound I lose, and I know I am not getting any younger.
I do want to live in a healthy body.
but I want also to lose weight, I can say its about being healthy all I want, but inside my heart and soul, I know I just want to weight less, much less.
I no longer want a 2 in front of my weight on my charts or on my scale.
Friday, December 13, 2013
I was sitting here, waiting, very impatiently.
And it led me to think about how impatient I can really be.
For one, waiting for my vitamin d to increase, I know its going to be months before it raises enough to make any difference.
Waiting for the cold weather to go away, it seems I can no longer tolerate the cold. Walking for me is next to impossible. But not totally impossible. I just hate the cold so much.
Waiting to see the numbers on the scale moving downward again.
At this moment, waiting to hear from a lady about buying some items I have for sale.
It has been 20 minutes since she messaged me and I messaged her back, no response.
I hate that.
I am feeling a little better about one thing, getting my home a little closer to being organized.
I sold almost all of my "fat" clothes.
I sold a bike, and some boots, and some books, and right now, pending a sale on a cabinet.
I am ready to walk out the door, I have errands to run. I need to pick up wrapping paper and get the rest of my gifts wrapped and put away.
But, still I wait.
I will give her until 2pm then I am gone.
It is so cold, as I stated, I hate it, despise it. I could never ever live in Alaska or Canada or any other cold place.
I need heat, and sunlight and soon.
Have decided to start trying to cut back on my caffeine, I do NOT drink soda of any kind whatsoever, but have replaced it with coffee.
I am going to start cutting back to a few cups a week instead of a few cups a day.
I don't know if really does play a role in vitamin d absorption, but just in case, I want to do whatever I can to increase my D.
I have been put back on the high dose pill and I am going to do everything I can to get this lined out and get my weight and exercise back on track.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Had my doctors appointment, wasn't too disappointed, nor surprised by my weight.
Its about the same, same old same old same.
So, she put me on the 50,000iu of vitamin d, once a week for 2 months, then I will go back to her, and I am to take my d3 daily, I am currently taking 7,000iu.
Eating lots of tuna, salmon, mushrooms, drinking way too much milk and fortified orange juice.
And getting whatever sunshine I can manage.
Going to give the tanning bed a try, it might not add too much to my vitamin d, but it might lift my spirits some.
It is so bitter cold here, my car doors have frozen shut two days in a row.
I got out of the doctors office and went to do a little shopping, LITTLE being the word, I was just too tired, I have no energy, the doctor says the low D might be causing it, but I think its a combo of the foods I have been eating, and the cold.
On a happy note, today I sold an armload of my fat clothes, for 75.00 bucks, yeahhhh.
Some of them clothes had been hanging in the closet for several years, a few still had the tags on them.
Now, I am NOT going shopping for fat clothes. I am going to buckle down and soon, I hope to be shopping little by little for littler clothes!!!
Maybe they wont be LITTLE but they will be smaller than now.
These obstacles and tests thrown in my path, will not deter me.
My best friend, SM, often asks me how my walking is coming along, encourages me to walk, offers to come with me and does sometimes.
I heard this song yesterday and it made me think of him, what hes been thru the last 2 years, and how the events in his life, and events in my sons life, also helped shape events in my own life. I sent him these lyrics and told him this was meant for him, as he has walked thru fire and survived, he said the song was meant for me, lol, I guess we really are two peas in a pod. He is my best friend, none has had a friend as he has been to me.
I think people are drawn to others for a reason, he tells me all the time had I not been there to write him letters and visit him when he was going thru his time in jail and his trial, he might not have had the strength and courage to carry on, he sees me as a positive motivator and I was motivated to get healthy and save my life, in order to be there for him, my son, my family and myself.
How I took a look at the pain they were going thru and the hard battles they were fighting and made me want to fight hard too.
I can conquer all these battles. I will win.
I have warriors at my side.
I think as narcissistic as it sounds, WE are OUR OWN TRUE LOVES.
And as you walk through death's dark veil
the cannon's thunder can't prevail
And those who hunt thee down will fail
and you will be my ain true love
and you will be my ain true love
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Tomorrow I go back to the doctor and am going to seriously have to find out what is causing my low vitamin d and how to change that.
Then I am going to the tanning bed, walking if its warm enough and maybe even if it isnt!!
Then finishing up some shopping and get home to a warm house.
The new year is so close now, and I have big big plans for this one.
Yeah yeah, I know, we all say it, I am gonna lose weight this year.
Well by golly I lost weight last year, and I am ready to get back to it.
Maybe evenly numbered years are better for me.
But I do plan to get my goals lined out.
I plan to private journal more, maybe even go back into counseling to work through issues that plague me, but even those are lifting, going farther away from my mind each day.
I really need to focus on my physical health, eating right and taking my vitamins and working out.
These are my goals.
They arent very well organized just yet, but I plan to sit down and get everything lined out and figure out where to begin, AGAIN!!!
I think getting my vitamin d lined out and finding out why it is so low, again, and finding out what to do to get it back up to a much higher number, is the best place to start.
Vitamin d plays a role in so many areas, kidneys, skin, bone.
Time for me to take better care of myself.
Friday, December 06, 2013
Feeling down, but determined today. Got on the scale, against my better judgement and while I havent gained, I havent lost either.
Then I got to thinking, Jan 7th, the day before I broke my foot, I took a pic of me on the scale, It was a day of victory and celebration, as I was down a full 70 lbs from where I had started.
Now, I am only down 56 pounds, I have gained, in 11 months, a full 14 pounds this year.
No loss, so I was determined to lose that, or as much as I could, before next Jan 7th, which is a month away.
Under normal circumstances, losing 14 pounds would be hard for me in a month, but this is the month of cookies and candy and stopping off to eat after shopping, and turkey and dressing and ambrosias galore!!!! oh and of nog and rum drinks and candies made of peanut butter and bourbon!!!
And while I can refrain from over indulging in any of these, I cant guarantee I wont sample.
So, I know, or at least realistically I anticipate, going into 2014 heavier than I went into 2013!!!!
This angers me to the point, that I know I have to buckle down and get serious, again.
I have to do this.
There IS NO OTHER CHOICE!!!
Last night, I replayed in my head the visit to the surgeons office over a year ago and how I was determined when I walked out of her office that I would never return, I would never undergo lap band or bypass for weight loss!!!
And I worked my butt off, literally, my butt is alot smaller.
But I cant seem to lose with that same commitment, I cant seem to find my way back to that place.
So, the best I can do is watch my every bite, walk as much as I can, lift weights, use the bands, and workout at home as much as I can, because today, its in the 30s and pouring rain, pouring, literally, wet wet and wetter!!!
I can only do the best I can and just see where I am when the new year rings in, hopefully it will be alot closer to NORMAL.
Wherever that is.
2014 is going to be a year of renewal, renewal of hard work and commitment.
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