Wednesday, December 04, 2013
I woke up this morning, really early and stayed up. I was feeling kinda of melancholy, or something.
Watching a video had me near tears, I asked myself, what is up with that?
Then I looked at the date, and realized it is the anniversary of a happy day I had, once, in days gone by.
I knew the day was coming, and I wondered how I would feel, but the funny thing is, I didnt even remember it, before I remembered it, understand?
If I hadnt looked at the calender, I wouldnt have known.
But, I think I handled it pretty well.
The memory of it, I mean, because the day, oh so long ago was a happy one, and I was happy then, and if I had known, what I know now, I would have tried to have enjoyed it more.
Or something like that.
But we cant foresee the future.
I was feeling kinda melancholy, but then I watched a funny movie and I was over it.
The past is the past.
I went to have my lab work done, to check my vitamin d and cholesterol and whatever else, and then I went to the store and bought some of the ingredients I will need to start my Christmas candy, I will probably begin making it around the 12th. Then I went to the walking track, then I came home, with plans to clean, because my house needs it.
But for some reason, I got started on the wrapping and now the house is an even bigger mess!!!
Maybe I will at least get the dishes washed and maybe vacuum, the one patch of carpet in the living room you can actually see.
The weather here today was fantastic and I went for a one hour walk, even though its somewhat windy and we are supposed to see rain.
I am kinda hoping for a white Christmas and hoping to get organized and decorated before the actual day arrives.
Hope everyone had a good day.
Monday, December 02, 2013
So the decision was made today, to put off the move til after Christmas.
I cant say I am sad about it, lol.
I wish I never ever had to move. But, alas, it will happen.
So for the time being, I am going to be packing up little things that can be moved to the new place.
And Christmas will be spent "at home" for one last time.
I am very sad, its going to be a very bittersweet Christmas.
I really really need a job. and maybe some new hobbies, some things to keep me occupied and busy after this move, to keep me from becoming so very depressed about living in the boonies!!!
I honestly dont know how I am going to make it thru this transistion, and if I will be able to stand it up there.
So isolated from the rest of the world.
Sure there are neighbors, but no one I want to spend time with or be around.
Right now where I live is next to the highway and one of my favorite things is sitting out on my porch in the warm weather and seeing the harley's go by and seeing people, some I know and they will honk as they go by, once in awhile someone will stop by.
But the new place is so far from the highway, and I just get so sad and depressed thinking about it.
What can I do????
I have said in the past I would rather die than move there, and I almost feel like a part of me will die, because I feel like I am going to lose my mind.
I guess I am just going to try to enjoy the next few weeks and make the most of the holiday, knowing in the back of my mind that I am so sad and filled with dread.
I keep telling myself maybe it wont be so bad. Maybe it will be ok.
The new house is alot nicer and warmer and I can fix it the way I want it.
Doing a little shopping for things, lamps, rugs, etc has made me feel a little better, but overall, there are times I tell myself I would rather be alone and broke and have nothing than to move there.
I feel like a part of me is dying.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
So, I got on the scale today, it is afterall, Tuesday. No gain, no loss. Even Steven, given that last week I went to the doctor and was up 3lbs.
But I will take even steven over a gain anyday.
I am taking steps toward seeing a lower number next time, and by steps, I mean walking.
I got my hour in on the cold cold track this morning, and if nothing happens, I will be back at least the next 2 mornings, will have to check the weather after that.
And get a little more prepared, like gloves, head cover, thicker socks, and maybe walking pants instead of capris!!!
The city is in the midst of repairs and they have two places they are tearing up and replacing on my track, so I may have to wait for those repairs, find another track to walk on.
Last night, feeling stressed and irrationally angry, I decided to work it off, so I did some squats, crunches, upper body dumbbell workout and some wall pushups.
While it was only about a 15 minute mini workout, it was pretty nice to find a way to relieve some pent up frustrations, other than dwelling on it.
I am considering going back into counseling, I know I should have long before now, and I know it may or may not help me resolve all these, or especially ONE big issue, it might help me figure out why it still hangs around in my mind.
But it isnt so bad today, I am learning that when others say hurtful things or remind you of hurtful issues, maybe they are hurting inside and want the company to wallow in their self pity, afterall, I have done that to friends and maybe thats why a few of them dont talk to me so much.
I am doing alot better in that regard, I no longer feel the need to share all my issues with anyone but my blogs, my private journal and my self.
I actually feel better, going to the track really helps.
Todays song of the day was not a black, painful deep soul searching song, it was light and fun.
Teenage Dream, Katy Perry.
If we have to have memories, lets try to have some good ones, the walking track is right by my old high school football field and the old swimming pool, where I spent so many days in my youth,
Hearing that song really brought back some good memories of a time when life might have seemed stressful at times, but oh if I had to choose a time in my history to revisit, it would have to be the days of hanging out at the pool, when I had a bikini body, lol.
I loved those days, but like everything else, they came to an end and this too must come to an end, but will live in my mind, as long as they remain good memories, the bad ones have to go... these harboured resentments and anger and unresolved questions, unanswered,
Sometimes you have to just sit it down and walk away,
Feeling so much better!!!!
Monday, November 18, 2013
Today has been a better day.
I have not let other peoples behavior get to me. I also have not spoken to the person who caused me stress.
I wonder if she knows what the issue is, she has to, because she has made no effort to contact me and that isnt like her.
I am clear headed and thinking straight about my life, I cant say everything is sunshine, roses and kittens.
But its better today.
Now, here I am near dinner time, I sat here and tracked my food and I will go over my calories today if I eat what I have planned for dinner.
In my only effort at defending this I will say, I had a bigger lunch because I really wanted to increase my protein today.
So, I had an apple, with some peanut butter and a weight watchers cheese stick.
Doesnt seem like I am eating all that much, but my calories seem to linger right on the edge or fall all the way over.
But I am not going to get all out of sorts over it, I have eaten healthy foods today, got my protein and my veggies and my water.
There are days if i went over, I would be really sad and upset and feeling defeated, but not today.
Today is ok.
Time to finish up the housework, close the door, put on some warm jammies, and watch The Voice.
No stress welcome here tonight.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
How do you deal with someone who is a saboteur????
Not only of your sobriety, or your diet, but of your emotional and mental health as well????
Yesterday was a decent day.
I stayed within calorie range and my car got fixed, I was feeling ok.
Then this person texts me and sends me a reminder of a past issue that I have hoped and longed to put behind me.
I went thru alot of pain and alot of indecision and alot of stress over this issue.
And I have been doing really well the last few months.
I have moved past it, and while I know its never going away, it is going on a back shelf in my mind.
But this so called friend is just hell bent on reminding me every chance she gets.
So last night, I went from being around a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10 of feeling good, to a super low of zero!!
I was literally near tears driving in my car to the dollar store.
I am sick of it.
I had a conversation with another friend about how to handle it, and she advised me to either confront my friend and tell her if she continues this behavior I can no longer talk to her.
Or, to just stop talking to her and stop responding to her and maybe she will get the hint.
But for my own peace of mind, i need to let her know that this is not something a friend would do. Of course, a part of me just says, be the bigger person and DO NOT let her know or see that it even bothers you, because that just gives her ammuntion to work with. I feel like I am beating my demons and maybe she is one of them, and maybe I just have to put her behind me as well. That for me is being the bigger person.
Of course all of you who follow my blogs or follow my posts on CDTB team, know that it is the same friend.
I really feel that she has for so long seen me as the one with the issues and the one who turned to her for advice, etc.
And now, I am a much stronger person, moving on from my issues and working thru them.
Losing weight, getting healthy and not living that lifestyle that she wants me to.
And I feel she finds ways to jab me when she can in order to try to get me back down to her level.
Why are there people in our lives who try to sabotage us?
Why do we keep them in our lives?
When do we just walk away?
And I see that is really my only option at this point.
In order to keep my own peace of mind, my own sobriety, my own struggle toward a healthier life, I have to step away from people who want to throw up roadblocks.
I guess I am answering my own question.
Can I ever just have a calm day, with no serious emotional issues to deal with????
I am going to sip my coffee, listen to the wind outside and hope I find the strength inside me to just walk away.
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