Tuesday, November 19, 2013
So, I got on the scale today, it is afterall, Tuesday. No gain, no loss. Even Steven, given that last week I went to the doctor and was up 3lbs.
But I will take even steven over a gain anyday.
I am taking steps toward seeing a lower number next time, and by steps, I mean walking.
I got my hour in on the cold cold track this morning, and if nothing happens, I will be back at least the next 2 mornings, will have to check the weather after that.
And get a little more prepared, like gloves, head cover, thicker socks, and maybe walking pants instead of capris!!!
The city is in the midst of repairs and they have two places they are tearing up and replacing on my track, so I may have to wait for those repairs, find another track to walk on.
Last night, feeling stressed and irrationally angry, I decided to work it off, so I did some squats, crunches, upper body dumbbell workout and some wall pushups.
While it was only about a 15 minute mini workout, it was pretty nice to find a way to relieve some pent up frustrations, other than dwelling on it.
I am considering going back into counseling, I know I should have long before now, and I know it may or may not help me resolve all these, or especially ONE big issue, it might help me figure out why it still hangs around in my mind.
But it isnt so bad today, I am learning that when others say hurtful things or remind you of hurtful issues, maybe they are hurting inside and want the company to wallow in their self pity, afterall, I have done that to friends and maybe thats why a few of them dont talk to me so much.
I am doing alot better in that regard, I no longer feel the need to share all my issues with anyone but my blogs, my private journal and my self.
I actually feel better, going to the track really helps.
Todays song of the day was not a black, painful deep soul searching song, it was light and fun.
Teenage Dream, Katy Perry.
If we have to have memories, lets try to have some good ones, the walking track is right by my old high school football field and the old swimming pool, where I spent so many days in my youth,
Hearing that song really brought back some good memories of a time when life might have seemed stressful at times, but oh if I had to choose a time in my history to revisit, it would have to be the days of hanging out at the pool, when I had a bikini body, lol.
I loved those days, but like everything else, they came to an end and this too must come to an end, but will live in my mind, as long as they remain good memories, the bad ones have to go... these harboured resentments and anger and unresolved questions, unanswered,
Sometimes you have to just sit it down and walk away,
Feeling so much better!!!!
Monday, November 18, 2013
Today has been a better day.
I have not let other peoples behavior get to me. I also have not spoken to the person who caused me stress.
I wonder if she knows what the issue is, she has to, because she has made no effort to contact me and that isnt like her.
I am clear headed and thinking straight about my life, I cant say everything is sunshine, roses and kittens.
But its better today.
Now, here I am near dinner time, I sat here and tracked my food and I will go over my calories today if I eat what I have planned for dinner.
In my only effort at defending this I will say, I had a bigger lunch because I really wanted to increase my protein today.
So, I had an apple, with some peanut butter and a weight watchers cheese stick.
Doesnt seem like I am eating all that much, but my calories seem to linger right on the edge or fall all the way over.
But I am not going to get all out of sorts over it, I have eaten healthy foods today, got my protein and my veggies and my water.
There are days if i went over, I would be really sad and upset and feeling defeated, but not today.
Today is ok.
Time to finish up the housework, close the door, put on some warm jammies, and watch The Voice.
No stress welcome here tonight.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
How do you deal with someone who is a saboteur????
Not only of your sobriety, or your diet, but of your emotional and mental health as well????
Yesterday was a decent day.
I stayed within calorie range and my car got fixed, I was feeling ok.
Then this person texts me and sends me a reminder of a past issue that I have hoped and longed to put behind me.
I went thru alot of pain and alot of indecision and alot of stress over this issue.
And I have been doing really well the last few months.
I have moved past it, and while I know its never going away, it is going on a back shelf in my mind.
But this so called friend is just hell bent on reminding me every chance she gets.
So last night, I went from being around a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10 of feeling good, to a super low of zero!!
I was literally near tears driving in my car to the dollar store.
I am sick of it.
I had a conversation with another friend about how to handle it, and she advised me to either confront my friend and tell her if she continues this behavior I can no longer talk to her.
Or, to just stop talking to her and stop responding to her and maybe she will get the hint.
But for my own peace of mind, i need to let her know that this is not something a friend would do. Of course, a part of me just says, be the bigger person and DO NOT let her know or see that it even bothers you, because that just gives her ammuntion to work with. I feel like I am beating my demons and maybe she is one of them, and maybe I just have to put her behind me as well. That for me is being the bigger person.
Of course all of you who follow my blogs or follow my posts on CDTB team, know that it is the same friend.
I really feel that she has for so long seen me as the one with the issues and the one who turned to her for advice, etc.
And now, I am a much stronger person, moving on from my issues and working thru them.
Losing weight, getting healthy and not living that lifestyle that she wants me to.
And I feel she finds ways to jab me when she can in order to try to get me back down to her level.
Why are there people in our lives who try to sabotage us?
Why do we keep them in our lives?
When do we just walk away?
And I see that is really my only option at this point.
In order to keep my own peace of mind, my own sobriety, my own struggle toward a healthier life, I have to step away from people who want to throw up roadblocks.
I guess I am answering my own question.
Can I ever just have a calm day, with no serious emotional issues to deal with????
I am going to sip my coffee, listen to the wind outside and hope I find the strength inside me to just walk away.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Feeling a little better today, woke up with a new attitude, tried out a new coffee, Folgers Gourmet Caramel Drizzle. And a new cereal, Raisin Bran omega 3, with flaxseed.
Both were decent.
Got a little housework done today and have been trying to stay positive.
It isnt easy to do, looking outside at the cold bleak, gray day, and my cold bleak gray car sitting out there broke down as well.
Was hoping they would start working on it today, but no one has shown up so far.
So, I am stuck at home, no shopping, no walking, no going anywhere, so I sit here watching Days of our Lives and cleaning and working out inside and trying oh so hard to stay in my calorie range and stay in my positive frame of mind.
For friends of my group Cutting down the Booze, be on the lookout for a new post on the message board.
It is all about how my friend, who just broke up with her boyfriend, AGAIN, wants me to go out drinking and well, I will save it for another time.
Today I am not going to get down and not going to let anyone make me feel bad or low.
I know I need some sun and some fun in my life, but no alcohol or sodium is going to give me that.
I need to exercise and eat healthy and stay focused on me.
I have been listening to upbeat positive music and just living for this day, this hour, not overthinking the future or whatever issues might arise.
I hope all of you are feeling well and eating healthy as well.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
On January 7th of this year, I took a pic of myself standing on the scale, at the lowest weight I had been in probably 10 years at least.
As most of you know, if you have ready my blogs, on Jan 8th, the very next day, I was on the walking track, about 45 minutes into my daily walk, when I suffered a broken foot.
5 to 6 months of high doses of vitamin d and alot of depression and I just lost sight of what I needed to be doing, finding another way to exercise, I lost confidence in myself and I lost motivation and determination. and today, I found out I am 15 pounds heavier than I was then.
So, as blogged about before, Today I had a dreaded doctors appointment.
It was pretty much as I suspected, the scale was pretty right on with my own.
So, here it is in a nutshell.
I have gained 15 pounds since Jan. 7th.
So, pretty much a pound a month, a little more.
I know it could be worse, but it shouldnt be this bad at all.
If nothing else, I should at least be down 15 pounds, if for the whole year!!!
So, I have been pretty disgusted with myself today, but I am too tired to beat myself up too much.
After the doc, I went to Lowes, then Walmart, then Food City, then Dollar store, then gas station, then drug store, then Subway, then post office, then came home and unloaded the car, packed it all inside, put it away.
And I am beat!!!!
How many weeks left in 2013??
I am not even going to set any kind of goal as far as pounds go.
I am however, going to set a goal, to walk as much as I possibly can.
Work out here at home, get myself and my home organized.
And just do the best I can to stay positive, count calories, spark my food, fitness and stay with my groups, take advice from all of you.
And go into 2014 with a whole new positive outlook and hopefully start losing weight again.
I am going to re-do some of what I spark/track and I am going to change my calories, etc.
And that is all I know to do.
I am trying to get things organized around here for an upcoming, and very much dreaded move.
And for the upcoming holidays, I had planned to make and give out homemade candy, but I am not going to do that.
I dont eat it, and I dont want to put it off on others who might be struggling.
As discussed with my doctor today, I know that alot of what is going on with me is depression, perhaps hormonal, but what ever it is, its just one more excuse to allow myself to slide and slip and hide and lie and cover up and fall.
And I might be down, but I am not out!!!!
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