Saturday, August 31, 2013
Trying to be positive. But its been a negative minus a negative day.
Went to run some errands, thinking I might go on to the festival, hot hot day, sun beaming down.
I stop for gas and decide to ride around the ballpark where I walk, just maybe out of habit, when across the sky comes some of the blackest clouds..rain, wind, lightening.
I sat in my car to wait it out and it passed pretty quickly, but driving back out the same road I drove in on, there were downed tree limbs, still falling branches.
I just drove home in defeat.
And I cleaned out the refridgerator, hoping to go grocery shopping tonight, no such luck.
Honey was too tired after working all day.
Story of my life.
The day has just been depressing and lonely and tomorrow will be as well.
I accept it.
I havent overdone it as for eating today, but the choices once again were not the best, peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch and dinner.
That is all I have had today, and a bowl of chicken noodle soup.
No fruits, no veggies and no walking.
I am sick of being depressed and making horrible food choices.
I am just tired.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Today begins a new experiment for me. I wont go into detail about it right now, but I will post my findings later on.
I will just say it involves matters concerning self truths and finding out if my hunches are right.
Today was another bad food day for me.
I start out good, but the evening wears on and I find myself snacking and making unhealthy choices.
As stated in my last blog, I need so badly to cut out these terrible habits and get myself lined out.
I havent gotten on the scale in about a week, and I dont want to.
At last weigh in I was still holding steady, no gain, but this week I am almost expecting a gain.
If there is no gain it will be a mystery to me.
Well no need in dwelling on what went wrong today, and focus on how to make better choices from this point on.
I send out best wishes to all for a happy, healthy and safe weekend.
It is the saddest time for me, the weekend.
I anticipate another lonely one and have made no plans to do anything, despite the area having many events going on.
Thats just become another bad habit, sitting home alone feeling sorry for myself.
There is always walking.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
I am in a rather blue mood, again. So, I hope this blog isnt riddled with sadness or depressing.
Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me. It is this time of year.
A year ago, I was riding high, losing weight like a boss, hanging out with friends every weekend, and had met one of the coolest friends I will ever know.
A year later, yesterday I seen that friend, passed by my house, was driving pretty slow.
I sat on my front porch and watched as they drove by and wondered what was on their mind?
Did they also remember it was this time last year we met and became fast friends, hung out, walked together? Talked and chatted for hours and hours??
And then.....At Christmas it all changed, no returned calls, no returned texts, no returned messages.
No hanging out.
Just one day I am told "I can no longer be your friend and please just dont contact me".
And so, i never did and never did learn what I had done or what wrong had occurred or if it was just them.
But honestly that wasnt even what had me feeling blue yesterday at all, that occurred much later in the afternoon.
I was already in a funk.
See, I am what is known as the "class clown"...or the funny girl, the one who sends out quirky texts and posts amusing memes on her Facebook and the walls of friends.
I woke up yesterday realizing, its Saturday, its in the 80's and its beautiful late summer day.
And I couldnt have bought a friend with a winning lottery ticket.
All my friends, and the so called ones as well, were off doing other things with other people.
As is always the case.
Bristol for the races.
I understand they have lives and I wasnt even angry at them about going out and enjoying themselves.
I just feel like Im tired of being the Monday thru Friday friend and on weekends spending all my time alone.
Honey had to work, as usual, and even if he hadnt, we would not have gone anywhere.
We do not go out and have fun. He has no concept of how to have fun or unwind or relax.
We would have done exactly what I did alone, sat, in the same room, watching tv, alone.
This is the case.
I decided to go for a drive and thought about a walk, but even though I was all alone and no one to hang out with and nothing to do, I didnt walk, because...."i spent an hour straightening my hair and didnt want to mess it up"!!!
What an idiotic excuse.
Had I walked I probably would have released and let go of some of the resentment and anger and confusion and whatever else it was that was eating my insides out yesterday.
Maybe I will get that walk in today.
At Lowes and Walmart most likely.
I really really really need a life. I really need a job. That was my goal and here I am still not working.
This so called job, sitting with the elderly lady. It is no job. For the first 3 weeks, I was working 4 days a week, and in the last 4 weeks, I have worked 3 times.
I thought about going back to school, but honestly, I cannot concentrate on anything long enough to stick with it.
Reading books, I used to be happy to sit and read for hours and hours, now I start the first chapter and I lose interest immediately.
Even reading every part of the newspaper is trying for me.
I really need to take a break from social networking, sorry SP. But I do.
I did finally however connect with my friend S....he has it really hard right now too.
He is out on bond, ok, for those who dont know that story, all I can suggest is read some of my blogs from around june of last year or may to june of this year.
His dad is bad off in the hospital, was just taken off of the ventilator a few days ago and is just now beginning to be able to walk around.
But even with all that going on, his neice told him I had called looking for him earlier and he called me, driving on his way to the hospital to see his dad, and we talked about 20 minutes.
My mood lifted a little and I felt like there is at least one person out there who does want me in their life and want me to be in good health.
I have to learn that these so called friends arent really friends afterall, I mean, I am ok for a lunch once or twice a month, for 35 minutes, then its FB or the occasional text.
I am going to make a goal right now.
1. Spend less time on social media.
2. walk more
3. dont count on anyone else to provide me with entertainment or activities
4. read more
5. find a part time, hopefully NIGHT TIME job where I will stay busy
6. spend more time on my mental/emotional health, ie. get back into counseling
And, put the past behind me. I know that is impossible to do, I know we all say we will or can but it is impossible.
It is just not feasible that we can just forget, people or places or conversations or feelings.
I have had friends come and go from my life many times over the last 30 plus years.
Why is this one so different? I think, because there was no reasoning, there was one day, talking, hanging out everything is cool.
And the next, just flatline..................................
But as you can see, I am dealing with it quite well, lol, Its been 8 months since I have physically spoken to this person and yet, I cannot set fire to this and end it and just stop feeling like there is more to it than meets the eye.
But I am going to try, I really am.
I am going to be doing a year in review blog soon, yes I know it is August, but, I want to do a year in review because it was around a year ago I was really at the height of my weight loss and I want to take a look back at how much has changed or stayed the same.
While its early in the day, I am starting this day out in a blue mood as well, maybe its just the coming on of Autumn, maybe its the Nyquil I am still having to take to sleep thru this coughing.
Maybe its age, I will be turning 46 next month and I am depressed as hell over it!!!!
Or maybe I need more fiber in my diet.
Hoping to get out of the house some today and see the sunlight and try to find some happiness.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Coming around the last curve of the walking track headed to my car tonight, I heard a voice say "You better speed it up a little". I turned to see my friend Scotty, on his bike.
I explained I was finishing up my final lap after an hour.
We exchanged the normal pleasantries, the weather, etc.
And I got into my car to drive away.
I sat there taking off my pedometer and getting ready to leave and I started thinking about how things have sure been different for myself and for Scotty this past year.
A year ago I was well on my way to losing weight for the first time in my many years of trying.
I had only lost like 35 pounds, but I knew this time was different.
I knew this time it meant life or death. I had chosen twice not to have weight loss surgery and I knew this was it.
I pushed myself hard from May til January and my self esteem was at an all time high a year ago.
I felt better about myself, I wasnt ashamed to go out with friends. I knew people were notIcing my weight loss and were really congratulating me.
Then in January, of course, things changed, I broke my foot and couldnt walk, which was my choice of exercise and not only for physical health but mental and emotional and just getting outside, finding time for myself.
Depression set in, relationship issues came to a boiling point, decisions were put on hold.
I allowed myself to slowly, and only ever so slightly fall back into some bad eating habits.
And I gained some of my weight, not alot, but some of it back.
That was nearly 8 months ago.
It sure doesnt seem that way. It was a long recovery as I have written about before.
Slow healing and slow climbing back up out of the blue state I was in and getting back into the right frame of mind.
For Scotty, 8 months ago he was dating my best friend and we all went to the mall together on New Years Day, a little trip out of town, I can remember us going out to eat, Golden Corral.
I hadnt broke my foot then and I was very much in lose, stay in control mode, so I was eating protein and salad and veggies.
Poor Scotty couldnt eat the piece of corn on the cob he had chosen, because he had lost most of his teeth.
See, about a year earlier, Scotty was having alot of pain, he got to the point he could barely move.
Went to the doc to see if he had pulled a muscle in his back, only to be diagnosed with advanced cancer of the spine.
He, a once healthy road construction/steel worker, lost down to skin and bones.
He went thru painful surgeries and spent about 50 days straight in Markee Cancer Center at UK.
My best friend stayed by his side thru his illness, paying his bills, doing his banking and doing whatever business he wasnt able to attend to.
After alot of chemo and home health care and stem cell injections...he was in remission.
He and my friend began having relationship issues and broke up not long after I broke my foot. He went back and forth with her thru break ups with another man she was seeing and he kept going back, only to get hurt again. I always wanted to shake him and say "cant you see that you are going to be hurt again, walk away".
But I never felt like it was my place to get involved in my friends relationships.
Scotty, trying to get his strength back, was told to begin riding a bike and now he is in better health.
He rides almost daily and has gained alot of his muscle back.
He still has some weakness and has developed high blood sugar.
But he is out there, pushing, and it was good to see him and gave me courage and enlightenment.
I always think of him as one of my role models when I feel like giving up.
He always encourages me and tells me to keep going.
I sure hope his cancer never returns and he gets much healthier and finds a good companion to be with.
He loves photography and going into the mountains and loves traveling around the southern USA.
I was feeling the endorphins coursing thru my body after a good sweaty one hour walk.
But I drove away feeling even better than I had.
Because my foot is healing.
Scotty is healing.
And we are both still going.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Was feeling better today. Had planned to go for an evening walk, but as the evening wore on, I keep getting more and more congested. It seemed to be really breaking up this morning.
Well anyway, the coughing fits have all but ended. I have had the humidifier on in the living room and the vaporizer on in the bedroom.
Just trying to get some air, steam, something to help me breathe a little easier.
And yes I do plan to walk and walk soon!
It seems as if I have just put everything on hold, when in fact I really havent.
In fact as of right now today, i am on point with my calories and all other nutrients fell into line pretty well also.
Except the iron and fiber.
Keep on tweaking this til I figure it out.
And still taking supplements.
Other than that, I have very little to report. Havent "worked" all week, this is ridiculous,
One day I need you, the next day I dont and then not for a week....its crazy.
Very soon I am going to begin looking for something much more stable and steady.
But for now, I am drinking my oj and taking my mucinex and hoping the scale doesnt climb since I havent walked this week.
Just holding on by my fingernails, but still holding on and hanging in there.
For this moment in time, I am home alone and loving it.
I should have this peaceful solitude until around 10pm.
Nothing to do,
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