Sunday, September 01, 2013
""""Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain
In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end
Now it all seems so clear, there's nothing left to fear
So we made our way by finding what was real
Now the days are so long that summer's moving on
We reach for something that's already gone"""
September begins anew, a new year for me. September holds many memories for me and dates...my birth, my parents anniversary, the anniversary of my brothers death. a friend I made and lost. September is my NEW YEARS DAY!!!
I have been planning for some time to do a year in review blog. So today is as good as anytime.
The last year.
Hmmm, well, let me go back to the beginning, Now I have been using SP for around 4 to 5 years now.
But it was last May when I really got serious about "this thang". Having planned to have LB surgery, I had gone to see my surgeon and she wanted me to do the gastric surgery instead. I disagreed with her that it would be better for me.
She suggested I go try to lose as much weight on my own first in order to get my weight down some first. I lost 25 pounds between May and Sept.
How I did so I cannot recall, as this was before I got serious about walking.
In June of 2012 as I have blogged about, my best friend shot and killed a man who had come to his house trying to get inside, etc. You might find more about that if intereted in my blogs from that time.
So, after this, I seen how fragile life is.
I buckled down and got serious, On July 4th, I stopped drinking pop. I went back to the surgeon one final time In August and she still insisted lap band wasnt the right option for me, and so I bid her farewell and set out to prove her wrong and prove to myself I did have the ability to lose weight on my own.
I started walking everyday I could and at first I was lucky to go 20 minutes but I turned it into an hour and sometimes two.
I began losing weight at the fastest rate I had ever lost and between July and Sept I had lost 40 pounds.
Sept on thru Jan was the best time of my life, well, weight loss wise.
I had a very active social life and struggled with drinking alcohol and still walking and sticking to my weight loss plan.
I wasnt a raging alcoholic by any means, but I was going out to bars with my friends alot and found myself having to factor in those calories not to mention sodium, etc.
But I kept on.
I walked as much as possible, usually 2 times a day, no less than 5 days a week and was eating more protein and veggies and really feeling good health in my body for the first time in years.
I began to lose more weight, and lost a total of 71 lbs overall.
Now, around November me and Honey began having relationship issues.
There is alot that went on there that I will not go into. But we just had come to a crossroads, or at least I had and made the decision to leave the relationship.
However, financailly things werent up to par and I ended up staying and over the months we have tried to tough it out.
I am still undecided on this issue and dont really feel like going to deeply into the details just yet.
But around this time I had met and thought I had made one of the best friends I would ever have.
We were fast friends and I was glad to have met them and known them for the short period of time they were in my life.
Then abruptly, after Christmas, I got a message saying they no longer felt they could be my friend and just thought it best if we didnt hang out anymore.
I was dumbfounded and so, to deal with this I poured myself even more intensely into my walking. To this day I havent put that behind me, what did I do wrong, what was the problem, had someone told them something about me that made them want to not be around me, did they really find me a bother???? i still dont know because I havent spoken to them since January and I have no idea. This has been an albatross to me for months and despite knowing in my heart this was about them, it still bothers me.
I used walking as a way to get out frustrations, anger, sadness, emptiness, whatever it was I had to work thru, I did it on the walking track.
And despite feeling the first twangs of depression, I continued to eat right and lose weight.
By Jan 8th I was dealing with this loss and dealing with my other issues, and I was walking, losing and looking forward to a healthy life.
But as I have blogged, On Jan 8th, I broke my foot.
Was at the walking track, had walked about 40 minutes and it just cracked.
Not too much pain, but just couldnt walk on it. To the doc I went, and found out it was a stress fracture.
Seen an orthopaedic surgeon and he said, it was a clean break and didnt require surgery, they gave me a boot and sent me on my way.
However, it was due to this I also discovered I had very low vitamin d.
The doc said this will make healing slower and he put me on a very high dose, I was in a deep depression by now, the sun was never out, it was cold and dark all the time and relationship issues once again had gotten worse.
they had me start wearing a bone growth stimulator to help speed up the healing process and it did work. Still it was slow going.
I felt like I was living in a constant state of limbo.
And the doc was right. healing was super slow. Over 5 months I went for xrays only to be told my foot just wasnt healing and surgery wasnt really an option due to how the bone was broken.
A pin wouldnt have really helped.
So, I was left to wait it out. No walking.
I sunk deeper into depression. And all my friends ran for the door.
No one wanted to hang out with me and hear about my foot and my sorry life.
I had no one, no friends.
So, unable to walk, I tried to find other things, lifting weights, riding my bike, but even that the doctor warned was putting too much weight and pressure on my foot.
Chair exercises held no interest for me, my mind was all over the place. Reading, I used to sit and read for hours, now I cant concentrate on a book for more than 10 minutes at a time.
I feel like climbing the walls.
Around May I decided screw it, I am gonna walk anyway. So I started out slowly, about 20 minutes about 2 times a week.
You know, like most junkies, I thought I just need a little to get me thru.
But I couldnt stop. By June when I seen the doc the last time, I was walking up to 45 minutes.
I was wearing the bgs to bed at night and taking high doses of vitamin d. and thought that had to be helping.
Go ahead and walk if you arent in pain, is what the doc told me at my last visit.
And so I did.
But something had been lost along the way.
All the days of sitting around depressed I allowed those old cravings to creep back in, I wasnt drinking pop, and I was still counting and tracking and sparking,
But I gained, I gained back about 12 pounds in total.
And the scale has been stuck for months.
I havent gained since about June, but havent lost either.
I am right back in that state of limbo. Going no where and going there fast.
Honey works so many long hours, weekends I mostly spend alone.
Working didnt help, because I got a job as a caregiver and I am still inside a home with access to food.
Not junk food, but alot of carbs, poptarts have become my go to comfort now.
I still try to spark and watch my levels, stick to low sodium and get as much protein as I can.
But I rarely work out at all and am not walking like I should be.
2 days a week at best.
Depression is taking over my life and I have no friends to talk to now, except all of you here, SP friends have been a God send to me.
Even those who tell me to wise up and stop being a pain in the butt.
I havent lost sight of my goals but I just need a push or a slap or a hand up or something to get back to where I was this time last year.
Last September was one of the best months of my entire life.
I was losing more weight than I had in my life, my friend was out of jail, we were hanging out alot, the other friend I had made was a constant in my life, daily chats and hanging out and I was feeling more self confidence than I had in my life and it exuded from me.
People were drawn to me.
I was always being invited to hang out, go places, people wanted me in their life.
Now, I cant find a real friend to spend more than 2 mintues of my life with to save my life.
So, Today being the first day of Sept, I set out to change that.
I am setting some goals for myself this month.
1. No more snacking on junk food. including poptarts
2. Back to my tracking daily of my calories and protein, etc.
3. Walking, no less than 4 days a week, 1 hour a day. More if possible.
4. Blood work to check my iron, vitamin d and other levels.
5. getting back to counseling and talking to my doctor about changing my anti-depressant.
6. This is my most lofty goal of all---to walk a 5k walk for Paint it Pink for breast cancer on Sept 21st. the 16 year anniversary of the death of my brother.
7. read more and spend less time online.
8. Find things to do outside of the house when I have no one to do it with, just go and get involved in activiites, maybe I will make a new friend.
9. lift weights, ride my bike and do other in home workouts as often as possible, at least one of these daily.
10. Lose 10 lbs by my birthday, the last day of Sept.
Now that one is lofty as well, but, I had set the goal to lose 20 lbs back in July and it isnt going to happen. So, I will actually at this point be happy with a 5 lb loss.
And finally, find myself again. Stop depending on others to be there for me because they have proven they will not be.
Find what works for me once again. And finally buckle down and make a decision about my future with relationship and try to see the bigger picture.
And continue to spark and thank Sp friends for always being there to read my long boring blogs and offer kind words and encouragement.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Trying to be positive. But its been a negative minus a negative day.
Went to run some errands, thinking I might go on to the festival, hot hot day, sun beaming down.
I stop for gas and decide to ride around the ballpark where I walk, just maybe out of habit, when across the sky comes some of the blackest clouds..rain, wind, lightening.
I sat in my car to wait it out and it passed pretty quickly, but driving back out the same road I drove in on, there were downed tree limbs, still falling branches.
I just drove home in defeat.
And I cleaned out the refridgerator, hoping to go grocery shopping tonight, no such luck.
Honey was too tired after working all day.
Story of my life.
The day has just been depressing and lonely and tomorrow will be as well.
I accept it.
I havent overdone it as for eating today, but the choices once again were not the best, peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch and dinner.
That is all I have had today, and a bowl of chicken noodle soup.
No fruits, no veggies and no walking.
I am sick of being depressed and making horrible food choices.
I am just tired.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Today begins a new experiment for me. I wont go into detail about it right now, but I will post my findings later on.
I will just say it involves matters concerning self truths and finding out if my hunches are right.
Today was another bad food day for me.
I start out good, but the evening wears on and I find myself snacking and making unhealthy choices.
As stated in my last blog, I need so badly to cut out these terrible habits and get myself lined out.
I havent gotten on the scale in about a week, and I dont want to.
At last weigh in I was still holding steady, no gain, but this week I am almost expecting a gain.
If there is no gain it will be a mystery to me.
Well no need in dwelling on what went wrong today, and focus on how to make better choices from this point on.
I send out best wishes to all for a happy, healthy and safe weekend.
It is the saddest time for me, the weekend.
I anticipate another lonely one and have made no plans to do anything, despite the area having many events going on.
Thats just become another bad habit, sitting home alone feeling sorry for myself.
There is always walking.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
I am in a rather blue mood, again. So, I hope this blog isnt riddled with sadness or depressing.
Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me. It is this time of year.
A year ago, I was riding high, losing weight like a boss, hanging out with friends every weekend, and had met one of the coolest friends I will ever know.
A year later, yesterday I seen that friend, passed by my house, was driving pretty slow.
I sat on my front porch and watched as they drove by and wondered what was on their mind?
Did they also remember it was this time last year we met and became fast friends, hung out, walked together? Talked and chatted for hours and hours??
And then.....At Christmas it all changed, no returned calls, no returned texts, no returned messages.
No hanging out.
Just one day I am told "I can no longer be your friend and please just dont contact me".
And so, i never did and never did learn what I had done or what wrong had occurred or if it was just them.
But honestly that wasnt even what had me feeling blue yesterday at all, that occurred much later in the afternoon.
I was already in a funk.
See, I am what is known as the "class clown"...or the funny girl, the one who sends out quirky texts and posts amusing memes on her Facebook and the walls of friends.
I woke up yesterday realizing, its Saturday, its in the 80's and its beautiful late summer day.
And I couldnt have bought a friend with a winning lottery ticket.
All my friends, and the so called ones as well, were off doing other things with other people.
As is always the case.
Bristol for the races.
I understand they have lives and I wasnt even angry at them about going out and enjoying themselves.
I just feel like Im tired of being the Monday thru Friday friend and on weekends spending all my time alone.
Honey had to work, as usual, and even if he hadnt, we would not have gone anywhere.
We do not go out and have fun. He has no concept of how to have fun or unwind or relax.
We would have done exactly what I did alone, sat, in the same room, watching tv, alone.
This is the case.
I decided to go for a drive and thought about a walk, but even though I was all alone and no one to hang out with and nothing to do, I didnt walk, because...."i spent an hour straightening my hair and didnt want to mess it up"!!!
What an idiotic excuse.
Had I walked I probably would have released and let go of some of the resentment and anger and confusion and whatever else it was that was eating my insides out yesterday.
Maybe I will get that walk in today.
At Lowes and Walmart most likely.
I really really really need a life. I really need a job. That was my goal and here I am still not working.
This so called job, sitting with the elderly lady. It is no job. For the first 3 weeks, I was working 4 days a week, and in the last 4 weeks, I have worked 3 times.
I thought about going back to school, but honestly, I cannot concentrate on anything long enough to stick with it.
Reading books, I used to be happy to sit and read for hours and hours, now I start the first chapter and I lose interest immediately.
Even reading every part of the newspaper is trying for me.
I really need to take a break from social networking, sorry SP. But I do.
I did finally however connect with my friend S....he has it really hard right now too.
He is out on bond, ok, for those who dont know that story, all I can suggest is read some of my blogs from around june of last year or may to june of this year.
His dad is bad off in the hospital, was just taken off of the ventilator a few days ago and is just now beginning to be able to walk around.
But even with all that going on, his neice told him I had called looking for him earlier and he called me, driving on his way to the hospital to see his dad, and we talked about 20 minutes.
My mood lifted a little and I felt like there is at least one person out there who does want me in their life and want me to be in good health.
I have to learn that these so called friends arent really friends afterall, I mean, I am ok for a lunch once or twice a month, for 35 minutes, then its FB or the occasional text.
I am going to make a goal right now.
1. Spend less time on social media.
2. walk more
3. dont count on anyone else to provide me with entertainment or activities
4. read more
5. find a part time, hopefully NIGHT TIME job where I will stay busy
6. spend more time on my mental/emotional health, ie. get back into counseling
And, put the past behind me. I know that is impossible to do, I know we all say we will or can but it is impossible.
It is just not feasible that we can just forget, people or places or conversations or feelings.
I have had friends come and go from my life many times over the last 30 plus years.
Why is this one so different? I think, because there was no reasoning, there was one day, talking, hanging out everything is cool.
And the next, just flatline..................................
But as you can see, I am dealing with it quite well, lol, Its been 8 months since I have physically spoken to this person and yet, I cannot set fire to this and end it and just stop feeling like there is more to it than meets the eye.
But I am going to try, I really am.
I am going to be doing a year in review blog soon, yes I know it is August, but, I want to do a year in review because it was around a year ago I was really at the height of my weight loss and I want to take a look back at how much has changed or stayed the same.
While its early in the day, I am starting this day out in a blue mood as well, maybe its just the coming on of Autumn, maybe its the Nyquil I am still having to take to sleep thru this coughing.
Maybe its age, I will be turning 46 next month and I am depressed as hell over it!!!!
Or maybe I need more fiber in my diet.
Hoping to get out of the house some today and see the sunlight and try to find some happiness.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Coming around the last curve of the walking track headed to my car tonight, I heard a voice say "You better speed it up a little". I turned to see my friend Scotty, on his bike.
I explained I was finishing up my final lap after an hour.
We exchanged the normal pleasantries, the weather, etc.
And I got into my car to drive away.
I sat there taking off my pedometer and getting ready to leave and I started thinking about how things have sure been different for myself and for Scotty this past year.
A year ago I was well on my way to losing weight for the first time in my many years of trying.
I had only lost like 35 pounds, but I knew this time was different.
I knew this time it meant life or death. I had chosen twice not to have weight loss surgery and I knew this was it.
I pushed myself hard from May til January and my self esteem was at an all time high a year ago.
I felt better about myself, I wasnt ashamed to go out with friends. I knew people were notIcing my weight loss and were really congratulating me.
Then in January, of course, things changed, I broke my foot and couldnt walk, which was my choice of exercise and not only for physical health but mental and emotional and just getting outside, finding time for myself.
Depression set in, relationship issues came to a boiling point, decisions were put on hold.
I allowed myself to slowly, and only ever so slightly fall back into some bad eating habits.
And I gained some of my weight, not alot, but some of it back.
That was nearly 8 months ago.
It sure doesnt seem that way. It was a long recovery as I have written about before.
Slow healing and slow climbing back up out of the blue state I was in and getting back into the right frame of mind.
For Scotty, 8 months ago he was dating my best friend and we all went to the mall together on New Years Day, a little trip out of town, I can remember us going out to eat, Golden Corral.
I hadnt broke my foot then and I was very much in lose, stay in control mode, so I was eating protein and salad and veggies.
Poor Scotty couldnt eat the piece of corn on the cob he had chosen, because he had lost most of his teeth.
See, about a year earlier, Scotty was having alot of pain, he got to the point he could barely move.
Went to the doc to see if he had pulled a muscle in his back, only to be diagnosed with advanced cancer of the spine.
He, a once healthy road construction/steel worker, lost down to skin and bones.
He went thru painful surgeries and spent about 50 days straight in Markee Cancer Center at UK.
My best friend stayed by his side thru his illness, paying his bills, doing his banking and doing whatever business he wasnt able to attend to.
After alot of chemo and home health care and stem cell injections...he was in remission.
He and my friend began having relationship issues and broke up not long after I broke my foot. He went back and forth with her thru break ups with another man she was seeing and he kept going back, only to get hurt again. I always wanted to shake him and say "cant you see that you are going to be hurt again, walk away".
But I never felt like it was my place to get involved in my friends relationships.
Scotty, trying to get his strength back, was told to begin riding a bike and now he is in better health.
He rides almost daily and has gained alot of his muscle back.
He still has some weakness and has developed high blood sugar.
But he is out there, pushing, and it was good to see him and gave me courage and enlightenment.
I always think of him as one of my role models when I feel like giving up.
He always encourages me and tells me to keep going.
I sure hope his cancer never returns and he gets much healthier and finds a good companion to be with.
He loves photography and going into the mountains and loves traveling around the southern USA.
I was feeling the endorphins coursing thru my body after a good sweaty one hour walk.
But I drove away feeling even better than I had.
Because my foot is healing.
Scotty is healing.
And we are both still going.
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