Monday, May 27, 2013
I first want to say thanks to all who have shown concern about me the last few days.
My blogs might have concerned some of you, and if they did, then I guess I did what I set out to do.
Reach down into a dark place. To pour myself and my thoughts out onto paper. (so to speak).
We cant all always be cheery and happy and light as a feather.
Sometimes, we get our minds twisted about the foods we eat, for me, the issue is, I feel guilt over almost every food I eat, every drink I take, and no, I am not an alcoholic.
I hardly ever drink, thats why maybe when I do indulge in a few drinks, I have guilt.
My mind has forgotten how to get back to where I was when I was at my peak.
I went back and searched my food journals to see what I am doing differently now from then.
It is just a part of the sickness.
To be unable to eat normally and see that it is NORMAL.
There is a reason why most of us became overweight or have food issues, etc.
I never really thought of myself as an unhappy person and most of the time, I am not.
But yes, its true, even I get the blues sometimes, get moody, angry, hurt, overwhelmed, frustrated.
Just as my last blog stated, I cant always be the friend who makes everyone laugh or has the witty come back and the witty remarks.
Sometimes I am dark, and I need to get it out.
Put it down, to read it, to have others see...
We have pain.
We have to find out why, where it comes from, what makes it better, worse, etc.
But, dont be too worried about me, I am doing ok.
I sank into a dark place recently, relationships and stress and burdens I carry.
and I carry....on.
Today has been a better day. There was sunshine, and shopping and my friend RG asked me to send a pic and so I did the bathroom pic....best lighting I think.
Walked this morning, then got my shopping out of the way, had an ice cream cone and felt none of that pesky guilt.
Went to see the Hangover 3, and fyi, if you go, make sure to stay to the VERY end, credits rolling.....
I pushed the walk to 40 minutes today and the foot didnt bother me at all and felt good.
So, yes, on occasion, you might read a blog from me that makes you think, thats what writing is supposed to do.
Not everyday is filled with rainbows and lemon drops and butterfly kisses.
Some are filled with angst and anger and dread and guilt and too many thoughts.
But today wasnt.
Today was pretty in pink.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
The bit of news I heard last night, I decided was really good. I decided it was for the best that everything happens for a reason and that it is time to let bygones be gone.
I awoke this morning the sun was shining, I took my vitamins and made coffee, I sat awhile on the porch, but it was still a little cool, so I sat awhile in the chair and it was just right, or I guess it had to be.
I decided to go for a drive, seeing that there wasnt much to eat in the house, I decided to go shopping.
As I drove, I thought and I thought and I ended up not at the store, but at Fishtrap Dam, or trashtrap as locals call it, as it is, well, littered with trash.
I drove slowly around the Dam, and seen the trash, they push it all up into the corner of the lake so to not interfere with the boats....all that trash in one little corner, and I realized, that is my mind....all that trash, its all sitting there, pushed into a corner, trash so thick, it spills over, into my mouth and my throat and my stomach...into my veins and into my blood until my blood boils and..............
Why did I go there.
Only I alone know.
To think, too much time to think, I think.
Too many thoughts, they still follow me as I go.
Release, be it sweet or bitter....came in the form of water, so so so much water.
I drove some more...no place to go, I didnt feel like shopping afterall.
I didnt feel like going to the park or to the walking track, or to anyones house, oh wait, there is no ones house to go to anyway.
I drove, back home....I decided it was the only place to be really...in my kitchen, I made a burger and a sweet potato with butter.
I was hungry.
Now I am full.
As the food goes down, it pushes the guilt up to the top....so much guilt, it spells out in the form of anger, self loathing, the questions, why did you eat a sweet potato with butter????
Why didnt you go walking?
Why are you such a pathetic loser?
Why did you allow yourself to believe for one minute that you deserved happiness?
Why did you allow yourself to think that girl or that girl or that girl wanted to actually be your friend?
Why would they want to hang out with you???
Why did you eat that sweet potato with butter you are already so fat????
I know, I know.
Why did i not listen.....why do I continue to lie to myself, why do I keep thinking tomorrow is going to be any different than today, there is no change in sight, there are no grand plans for life to be any different.
And the thoughts followed me home again.
I couldnt leave them in the trashy water.
and the next 3 days.....this all consuming noise...like a bee buzzing in my ear.
The pain never goes away....the news didnt change anything.
Did you think it would.
You are still to blame for everything, being fat, being too lazy to walk, not eating healthy, gaining back 7 lbs, not having one damn person who wants to be with you or near you/
And yet, you are soooo funny.
You make me laugh, you always have the witty comeback.
You are the life of the party, except.....you didnt get invited to that party, or that one and you wont be invited to the next one either.
You....just sit right there in that chair, alone with the thoughts, they are your friend now.
You make me laugh!!!!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Foot has hurt pretty much all day, I guess I shouldnt have gone to the walking track.
about 4 laps in and it really began to ache, I mighta pushed. Today I really needed it....but I didnt get it.
Walking was the one thing I did have.
And now I dont have that.
All the times when I needed to think, the cry, to laugh, to wonder, to work out ideas or ponder a subject or let go of some steam or some anger or some resentment or anxiety or even just when I was feeling really good and wanted to feel even better....
I would lace up my walking shoes, go to the track, put in my earbuds and listen to the songs that would help me do all of that....and now.....the songs have no meaning, the problems have no place to go....
I sit on the porch looking at the dark clouds moving across...I seen one in the shape of a frog.
I seen a plane flying way off in the distance and I wondered where it might be going...wish I were going somewhere...but i live 3 hours from the nearest airport, I have no passport and I have no money. Besides, I wouldnt know what to do once I got there, I could run as far as the sky allowed, but the thoughts inside my head would insist on coming to, they always do.
you think a day makes a difference...one minute you are texting and joking with a friend and the next, you are told a bit of news that you cant decide if its good or bad.
But, either way....you wish you didnt have to think about it, wonder about it, try to figure it out or try to see where it fits into your own life, or if it does, but people sure want to see the look on your face or hear the tone of your voice to see if it does. So called friends.
And even though you thought the day was getting better....deep down it really wasnt, and the pain rises to the top again and theres no pill to take it away, theres no walk, theres no friend to call, theres nothing to do but live with your thoughts. The thoughts you really dont want to think anymore.
and yet, they come, they linger, even in bed, sleeping, you dream about them, they swim thru your veins like a fish in the sea...whispering... "follow me, everything is alright, i'll be the one to tuck you in at night, and if you want to leave......"....and even though you do want to leave, you follow, cause you have no place else to go.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Last night I attended my sons 2 year celebration/ NA meeting. I sat there listening to some of the stories from these people and thinking, add drugs and this is my life.
F' ed up!!!!
I heard one girl share her story, a story so horrifying that if I had lived it, I would not have survived beyond probably age 18/
And I thought, what is my problem?
These people, one man has been in recovery and clean for 32 years., are doing it.
Some of them overcoming addictions to crack, herion, pain pills, every drug that can be thought of.
I sure wish there was an OA meeting around me.
I felt the way so many of them were describing. Lost, alone, scared, left behind, forgotten, angry, misguided, misjudged, worthless, sick and seeking any outlet to get rid of their feelings.
They chose drugs, I chose food.
And as one man said, they traded one addiction for another, and that addiction for some of them is now NA itself.
Last summer as I began to walk and learn to eat healthy, and quit trying to self destruct at full speed ahead, I traded one addiction for another, maybe more than one.
I became obsessed with walking, and there were other vices, one being alcohol.
I never drank for years, and found myself drinking often, and alot.
I never thought wow I am an alcoholic and I still dont think I am....I was a social drinker at best.
But found myself seeking out occassions to drink, the only set back for me was the calories as it interferred with my diet plan and my sparking, I pretty much quit drinking as I quit really spending social time with those particular friends and I just have the occasional beer, like I say, alcohol wasnt my drug of choice either....Men....? hmmm, the wrong kind of attention from men....I allowed myself to become flirtatious.
I found myself going down dangerous roads with the thoughts I was having,
I know I have blogged about this before, about trading one addiction for another, Oprah did a show about it, people trading their food addicions for gambling, sex, shoplifting, drugs.
I found myself thinking that men were really attracted to me NOW, now that I had lost all this weight and I was feeling confident and healthy and sexy.
I guess I found out I wasnt the hottest thing since warm butter and I learned that I needed to find what was wrong inside of me that made me seek attention, from anyone.
I poured my heart and soul into walking, everyday, I loved it, it kept me off the computer, it kept me out of the house, out of restaurants, away from alcohol, etc...then I broke my foot
no walking the doctor said....
what do I do now...?
Oh I can continue working out, lifting weights, bands, the bike, etc....only I didnt!!!!
I began slowling adding back bread and slices of pizza, the occasional slice of cake, etc....
and I got off my plan, I gained 7 lbs and I hated myself for that, WHEN THERE WERE SO MANY OTHER GOOD REASONS!!!!
Now, the foot is healing, I am walking,,,,, some. But...something is still missing. theres a darkness in my life, I cant find any light.....
I just feel a sense of nothing ness in my life.
I swore I was going to get out and find a job.
What is wrong with me?????
i am depressed, I have no sense of direction, I dont really try that hard to stay on track as I once did.
I am bored all the time, there is nothing to do, reading lasts an hour at best and I lay the book down and forget it.
Nothing holds my interest.
I am seeking something and I dont know what.
And therefore have no idea where to find it.
And I am angry at myself to holding on to past hurts, I think that letting go is easy and I dont want anything to be easy in my life.
I know self destruction.
It is famaliar to me as my shoes.
I learned that I enjoy wollering in self pity.
After hearing some of the stories last night, I just think, wow, you have had it easy compared to some of these people and they are at their meeting, staying clean, working, living life, enjoying being alive, greatful for being alive, helping others to learn to live.
And what am I doing?
feeling sorry for my miserable self.
Well, its time for this nonsense to stop.
It wasnt antidepressants that I needed, it wasnt food, it wasnt friends, it wasnt activities, it was the will to change and the knowledge to know what I need to do to make that change happen.
I now know I want to change, I want to walk, and eat healthy and stop abusing myself with pity and negative thoughts and negative people and start living.
Now I know how to eat and work out, I have been doing it for a year now....I have had decent results, all I need to do is remember where I left it.
As for boredom and happiness beyond these walls.....I have no idea, I dont know what it is I seek.
I dont know where to find it....I know where it isnt, in an ice cream container or a bottle of pop or a bottle of pills or a bottle of beer.
I know it isnt hiding inside this computer or in friends who are fake, wolves in sheeps clothing.
But where is it, what is it, how do I find it????
Monday, May 20, 2013
Something has changed. I just dont think I remember how to do it anymore.
I think all this time that has passed has been too much for me to remember.
How do I get back to where I was?
How do I get my mind to think the way I did in January?
How do I lose weight again?
How do I go to lunch and eat heatlhy?
How do I walk again?
Why did this happen to me and what do I do about it?
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