Thursday, June 20, 2013
""These old bones will tell your story
These old bones will never lie
These old bones will tell you surely
What you can't see with your eye
These old bones, I shake and rattle
These old bones, I toss and roll
And it's all in how they scatter
Tells you what the future holds""....Dolly Parton.
Heat. Its finally arrived. I complained and complained for months that it would never get here.
I am not really complaining.
My reasons have changed slightly. I had so wanted the earlier days and the warmer temps and the dry ground, so that I might walk in the mornings, as I did all last summer and well into the fall.
I didnt walk today. But my plan is to go early in the morning.
The news from the doc yesterday was neither good nor bad. It was pretty much just.......well, I havent figured it out yet.
But after talking last night with an RN friend of mine, she told me about a supplement that alot of doctors recommend now, and it even comes in prescription form, called, Strothium.
Somewhat like calcium.
I ordered some online and plan to speak to my doctor about the prescription strength when I go back to see her.
Walking, he pretty much left up to me to decide what I can and cannot handle.
So, I am going to take it super easy until vacation, maybe 30 minutes at most.
I am sure on vacation I will do quite a bit of walking and in the sand, thats the hardest for me, walking without the support of my insoles and good shoes.
I am sure I will need that ibuprofen.
But once vacation is done and Im home and settled, I am going to see what my foot will allow.
I still harbour the idea and dream of one day running.
My friend didnt exactly advise me to get a second opinion, but, suggested maybe I keep taking the high dose of vitamin d, the strothium and keep wearing the bone stimulator.
Afterall, they told me that when blood flow comes to the area where its broke, I will feel heat, the last 3 nights I wore it, I had to remove it due to such strong heat.
Maybe its just taking me a little longer.
Afteall, I am carrying around more weight than my foot should be bearing.....and my vitamin d only climbed from 20 to 52 in 5 months....but it is up now, and has another 28 or more points to go to be up high as they wanted it to be.
And of course there is the whole age thing.
So, I am not giving up. I am going to keep trying and hoping that the bone strenthens enough so I can walk farther and one day I will run.
Spent the day changing reservations and began the earliest of the packing.
I am really just looking forward to relaxing and I have been trying to psych myself up for the long drive.
Tomorrow I will blog about a fear I have always had that I hope to TRY to conquer on this trip.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
So, I just returned from my ortho appt and lab workup and shopping and returning two items to two different stores and picking up the mail and I am slap wore out!!!
The broken foot--here it is in a nutshell.
The tiny little piece of bone that broke off the rest of the bone, didnt adhere, or grow back to the rest of the bone as it should have.
However it is still forming a soft callus, still in the soft stage, and probably, according to my ortho, is going to heal as much as it ever will.
Surgery wouldnt really make much, if any difference.
The bone stimulator may be helping some, but, as long as I have been using it, should have made much more of a difference.
So, the bone isnt exactly still broken and it isnt exactly healed.
It kinda got into a soft stage and just stuck there.
Maybe, in time, he says, with the increased calcium and vitamin d levels, it might harden more.
But the piece of broken bone is attached to a soft callus attached to the rest of the bone, but it will never grow back to the rest of the bone without that attachement.
So, I guess its like a bondo or something like that.
I can walk, he says, find your pain tolerence level and walk until you feel the pain is getting to much and maybe later in time, I will build up a higher tolerence.
Only come back to see him if the pain gets to be a daily thing or if it gets too unbearable.
In other words...."I have done all I can do, go forth and good luck".
I am still waiting phone call about my labs, but, he is going to call me in more vitamin d and keep taking that and he says find other alternatives to walking for workout.
So, that means I gotta buckle down and make myself learn to like riding my recumbant bike again and lifting weights and he says I can use my stair stepper as long as it doesnt cause me too much pain.
This is the story of my flippin life!!!
Foot pain, headpain, shoulder pain, emotional pain, heart pain, pain in the a$$!!!
But the news wasnt all bad.
My bp was good and I got on the scale this morning to a 1 lb loss.
So, I will just have to learn to suck it up and walk a little less but I will still walk.
I walked 30 mins yesterday and for some reason I was so wide awake last night I slept maybe 2 fitful restless hours and got up before 6 am.
All the running to stores has me killed out and I still have to put my groceries up.
Monday, May 27, 2013
I first want to say thanks to all who have shown concern about me the last few days.
My blogs might have concerned some of you, and if they did, then I guess I did what I set out to do.
Reach down into a dark place. To pour myself and my thoughts out onto paper. (so to speak).
We cant all always be cheery and happy and light as a feather.
Sometimes, we get our minds twisted about the foods we eat, for me, the issue is, I feel guilt over almost every food I eat, every drink I take, and no, I am not an alcoholic.
I hardly ever drink, thats why maybe when I do indulge in a few drinks, I have guilt.
My mind has forgotten how to get back to where I was when I was at my peak.
I went back and searched my food journals to see what I am doing differently now from then.
It is just a part of the sickness.
To be unable to eat normally and see that it is NORMAL.
There is a reason why most of us became overweight or have food issues, etc.
I never really thought of myself as an unhappy person and most of the time, I am not.
But yes, its true, even I get the blues sometimes, get moody, angry, hurt, overwhelmed, frustrated.
Just as my last blog stated, I cant always be the friend who makes everyone laugh or has the witty come back and the witty remarks.
Sometimes I am dark, and I need to get it out.
Put it down, to read it, to have others see...
We have pain.
We have to find out why, where it comes from, what makes it better, worse, etc.
But, dont be too worried about me, I am doing ok.
I sank into a dark place recently, relationships and stress and burdens I carry.
and I carry....on.
Today has been a better day. There was sunshine, and shopping and my friend RG asked me to send a pic and so I did the bathroom pic....best lighting I think.
Walked this morning, then got my shopping out of the way, had an ice cream cone and felt none of that pesky guilt.
Went to see the Hangover 3, and fyi, if you go, make sure to stay to the VERY end, credits rolling.....
I pushed the walk to 40 minutes today and the foot didnt bother me at all and felt good.
So, yes, on occasion, you might read a blog from me that makes you think, thats what writing is supposed to do.
Not everyday is filled with rainbows and lemon drops and butterfly kisses.
Some are filled with angst and anger and dread and guilt and too many thoughts.
But today wasnt.
Today was pretty in pink.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
The bit of news I heard last night, I decided was really good. I decided it was for the best that everything happens for a reason and that it is time to let bygones be gone.
I awoke this morning the sun was shining, I took my vitamins and made coffee, I sat awhile on the porch, but it was still a little cool, so I sat awhile in the chair and it was just right, or I guess it had to be.
I decided to go for a drive, seeing that there wasnt much to eat in the house, I decided to go shopping.
As I drove, I thought and I thought and I ended up not at the store, but at Fishtrap Dam, or trashtrap as locals call it, as it is, well, littered with trash.
I drove slowly around the Dam, and seen the trash, they push it all up into the corner of the lake so to not interfere with the boats....all that trash in one little corner, and I realized, that is my mind....all that trash, its all sitting there, pushed into a corner, trash so thick, it spills over, into my mouth and my throat and my stomach...into my veins and into my blood until my blood boils and..............
Why did I go there.
Only I alone know.
To think, too much time to think, I think.
Too many thoughts, they still follow me as I go.
Release, be it sweet or bitter....came in the form of water, so so so much water.
I drove some more...no place to go, I didnt feel like shopping afterall.
I didnt feel like going to the park or to the walking track, or to anyones house, oh wait, there is no ones house to go to anyway.
I drove, back home....I decided it was the only place to be really...in my kitchen, I made a burger and a sweet potato with butter.
I was hungry.
Now I am full.
As the food goes down, it pushes the guilt up to the top....so much guilt, it spells out in the form of anger, self loathing, the questions, why did you eat a sweet potato with butter????
Why didnt you go walking?
Why are you such a pathetic loser?
Why did you allow yourself to believe for one minute that you deserved happiness?
Why did you allow yourself to think that girl or that girl or that girl wanted to actually be your friend?
Why would they want to hang out with you???
Why did you eat that sweet potato with butter you are already so fat????
I know, I know.
Why did i not listen.....why do I continue to lie to myself, why do I keep thinking tomorrow is going to be any different than today, there is no change in sight, there are no grand plans for life to be any different.
And the thoughts followed me home again.
I couldnt leave them in the trashy water.
and the next 3 days.....this all consuming noise...like a bee buzzing in my ear.
The pain never goes away....the news didnt change anything.
Did you think it would.
You are still to blame for everything, being fat, being too lazy to walk, not eating healthy, gaining back 7 lbs, not having one damn person who wants to be with you or near you/
And yet, you are soooo funny.
You make me laugh, you always have the witty comeback.
You are the life of the party, except.....you didnt get invited to that party, or that one and you wont be invited to the next one either.
You....just sit right there in that chair, alone with the thoughts, they are your friend now.
You make me laugh!!!!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Foot has hurt pretty much all day, I guess I shouldnt have gone to the walking track.
about 4 laps in and it really began to ache, I mighta pushed. Today I really needed it....but I didnt get it.
Walking was the one thing I did have.
And now I dont have that.
All the times when I needed to think, the cry, to laugh, to wonder, to work out ideas or ponder a subject or let go of some steam or some anger or some resentment or anxiety or even just when I was feeling really good and wanted to feel even better....
I would lace up my walking shoes, go to the track, put in my earbuds and listen to the songs that would help me do all of that....and now.....the songs have no meaning, the problems have no place to go....
I sit on the porch looking at the dark clouds moving across...I seen one in the shape of a frog.
I seen a plane flying way off in the distance and I wondered where it might be going...wish I were going somewhere...but i live 3 hours from the nearest airport, I have no passport and I have no money. Besides, I wouldnt know what to do once I got there, I could run as far as the sky allowed, but the thoughts inside my head would insist on coming to, they always do.
you think a day makes a difference...one minute you are texting and joking with a friend and the next, you are told a bit of news that you cant decide if its good or bad.
But, either way....you wish you didnt have to think about it, wonder about it, try to figure it out or try to see where it fits into your own life, or if it does, but people sure want to see the look on your face or hear the tone of your voice to see if it does. So called friends.
And even though you thought the day was getting better....deep down it really wasnt, and the pain rises to the top again and theres no pill to take it away, theres no walk, theres no friend to call, theres nothing to do but live with your thoughts. The thoughts you really dont want to think anymore.
and yet, they come, they linger, even in bed, sleeping, you dream about them, they swim thru your veins like a fish in the sea...whispering... "follow me, everything is alright, i'll be the one to tuck you in at night, and if you want to leave......"....and even though you do want to leave, you follow, cause you have no place else to go.
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