SOFT_VAL67   84,825
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SOFT_VAL67's Recent Blog Entries

the here and there and everywhere thinking about stuff blog

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Headache tonight.
Foot has hurt pretty much all day, I guess I shouldnt have gone to the walking track.
about 4 laps in and it really began to ache, I mighta pushed. Today I really needed it....but I didnt get it.
Walking was the one thing I did have.
And now I dont have that.
All the times when I needed to think, the cry, to laugh, to wonder, to work out ideas or ponder a subject or let go of some steam or some anger or some resentment or anxiety or even just when I was feeling really good and wanted to feel even better....
I would lace up my walking shoes, go to the track, put in my earbuds and listen to the songs that would help me do all of that....and now.....the songs have no meaning, the problems have no place to go....
I sit on the porch looking at the dark clouds moving across...I seen one in the shape of a frog.
I seen a plane flying way off in the distance and I wondered where it might be going...wish I were going somewhere...but i live 3 hours from the nearest airport, I have no passport and I have no money. Besides, I wouldnt know what to do once I got there, I could run as far as the sky allowed, but the thoughts inside my head would insist on coming to, they always do.
you think a day makes a minute you are texting and joking with a friend and the next, you are told a bit of news that you cant decide if its good or bad.
But, either wish you didnt have to think about it, wonder about it, try to figure it out or try to see where it fits into your own life, or if it does, but people sure want to see the look on your face or hear the tone of your voice to see if it does. So called friends.
And even though you thought the day was getting better....deep down it really wasnt, and the pain rises to the top again and theres no pill to take it away, theres no walk, theres no friend to call, theres nothing to do but live with your thoughts. The thoughts you really dont want to think anymore.
and yet, they come, they linger, even in bed, sleeping, you dream about them, they swim thru your veins like a fish in the sea...whispering... "follow me, everything is alright, i'll be the one to tuck you in at night, and if you want to leave......"....and even though you do want to leave, you follow, cause you have no place else to go.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FRENCHSEAMS 5/26/2013 6:34PM

    I understand what you are saying LADYFROMTHEWOOD! When I had clinical depression, i hauled myself off to a psychiatrist for professional help. There is some good advice in that recommendation.

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    Still here. Still encouraging you to go for help. Waiting to hear that you have. This is bigger than you. Love ya. Praying for you. Wishing I could drag you to a good doctor. Wishing I could make you pick up the phone and call first thing Tuesday morning for an appointment. Lots of art comes from deep, dark places (like writing) but that doesn't fix the problem, it just expresses the pain. The pain in your heart is much worse than the pain in your foot.

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KARENE10 5/26/2013 10:13AM


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AMBERZADE67 5/26/2013 7:15AM

    While this was a little sad to read ... I appreciate the stream of consciousness style of it ... and the reality and truth of it for you .... I'm sorry you were feeling this way when you wrote this and hope the day got better. I have found that I come up with the best ideas/thoughts etc while jogging with my dog so I know what you're saying.


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CAPECODBABE 5/26/2013 5:39AM

    I agree. Writing and journaling can be a great way to work through things.

Write down what is bothering you, then today give yourself a day off from worrying about it.

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FRENCHSEAMS 5/26/2013 3:09AM

    I think you could write your way out of your rut. What happened to your foot? How did it break?

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im the conductor on the crazy train, full speed ahead!!!!!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Last night I attended my sons 2 year celebration/ NA meeting. I sat there listening to some of the stories from these people and thinking, add drugs and this is my life.
F' ed up!!!!
I heard one girl share her story, a story so horrifying that if I had lived it, I would not have survived beyond probably age 18/
And I thought, what is my problem?
These people, one man has been in recovery and clean for 32 years., are doing it.
Some of them overcoming addictions to crack, herion, pain pills, every drug that can be thought of.
I sure wish there was an OA meeting around me.
I felt the way so many of them were describing. Lost, alone, scared, left behind, forgotten, angry, misguided, misjudged, worthless, sick and seeking any outlet to get rid of their feelings.
They chose drugs, I chose food.
And as one man said, they traded one addiction for another, and that addiction for some of them is now NA itself.
Last summer as I began to walk and learn to eat healthy, and quit trying to self destruct at full speed ahead, I traded one addiction for another, maybe more than one.
I became obsessed with walking, and there were other vices, one being alcohol.
I never drank for years, and found myself drinking often, and alot.
I never thought wow I am an alcoholic and I still dont think I am....I was a social drinker at best.
But found myself seeking out occassions to drink, the only set back for me was the calories as it interferred with my diet plan and my sparking, I pretty much quit drinking as I quit really spending social time with those particular friends and I just have the occasional beer, like I say, alcohol wasnt my drug of choice either....Men....? hmmm, the wrong kind of attention from men....I allowed myself to become flirtatious.
I found myself going down dangerous roads with the thoughts I was having,
I know I have blogged about this before, about trading one addiction for another, Oprah did a show about it, people trading their food addicions for gambling, sex, shoplifting, drugs.
I found myself thinking that men were really attracted to me NOW, now that I had lost all this weight and I was feeling confident and healthy and sexy.
I guess I found out I wasnt the hottest thing since warm butter and I learned that I needed to find what was wrong inside of me that made me seek attention, from anyone.
I poured my heart and soul into walking, everyday, I loved it, it kept me off the computer, it kept me out of the house, out of restaurants, away from alcohol, etc...then I broke my foot
no walking the doctor said....
what do I do now...?
Oh I can continue working out, lifting weights, bands, the bike, etc....only I didnt!!!!
I began slowling adding back bread and slices of pizza, the occasional slice of cake, etc....
and I got off my plan, I gained 7 lbs and I hated myself for that, WHEN THERE WERE SO MANY OTHER GOOD REASONS!!!!
Now, the foot is healing, I am walking,,,,, some. But...something is still missing. theres a darkness in my life, I cant find any light.....
I just feel a sense of nothing ness in my life.
I swore I was going to get out and find a job.
I havent.

What is wrong with me?????
i am depressed, I have no sense of direction, I dont really try that hard to stay on track as I once did.
I am bored all the time, there is nothing to do, reading lasts an hour at best and I lay the book down and forget it.
Nothing holds my interest.
I am seeking something and I dont know what.
And therefore have no idea where to find it.
And I am angry at myself to holding on to past hurts, I think that letting go is easy and I dont want anything to be easy in my life.
I know self destruction.
It is famaliar to me as my shoes.
I learned that I enjoy wollering in self pity.
After hearing some of the stories last night, I just think, wow, you have had it easy compared to some of these people and they are at their meeting, staying clean, working, living life, enjoying being alive, greatful for being alive, helping others to learn to live.
And what am I doing?
feeling sorry for my miserable self.
Well, its time for this nonsense to stop.
It wasnt antidepressants that I needed, it wasnt food, it wasnt friends, it wasnt activities, it was the will to change and the knowledge to know what I need to do to make that change happen.
I now know I want to change, I want to walk, and eat healthy and stop abusing myself with pity and negative thoughts and negative people and start living.
Now I know how to eat and work out, I have been doing it for a year now....I have had decent results, all I need to do is remember where I left it.
As for boredom and happiness beyond these walls.....I have no idea, I dont know what it is I seek.
I dont know where to find it....I know where it isnt, in an ice cream container or a bottle of pop or a bottle of pills or a bottle of beer.
I know it isnt hiding inside this computer or in friends who are fake, wolves in sheeps clothing.
But where is it, what is it, how do I find it????

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FRENCHSEAMS 5/23/2013 8:34PM

    Volunteer work perhaps? Finding yourself isn't such an easy task is it? But, that is life's journey. emoticon

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CAPECODBABE 5/23/2013 7:17PM

    You are a wonderful person!!! emoticon

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*RENEAT* 5/23/2013 6:27PM

    I truly know how you feel and sometimes it is so much easier to just wallow...but I have been pushing myself to make more of an effort every day. I was seeing a counselor (who I can't afford now) who told me "sometimes you have to fake it to make it". I've been trying that and you know what? Those days I make the effort I DO feel better. Not always of course but for the most part. Sounds like you have the will, now just make yourself get underway. You can do it! Hope this helps at least a little! Renea

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MARTYJOE 5/23/2013 6:14PM

    Good for you. baby steps will eventually reach your goal

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when am i gonna go forward the way i once did

Monday, May 20, 2013

Something has changed. I just dont think I remember how to do it anymore.
I think all this time that has passed has been too much for me to remember.
How do I get back to where I was?
How do I get my mind to think the way I did in January?
How do I lose weight again?
How do I go to lunch and eat heatlhy?
How do I walk again?
Why did this happen to me and what do I do about it?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SOFT_VAL67 5/20/2013 10:38PM

    Thanks to all of you who responded. My foot is feeling better, but I am still feeling like every walk I take I am pushing it.
My goodness, its been 4 months since I broke it.
I walked this evening for 30 minutes. Now to just lay off the extra calories and get back to burning them off.

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CAPECODBABE 5/20/2013 7:02PM

    It's like riding a bike...

You just need your foot back to normal

emoticon emoticon

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DEVONA8 5/20/2013 6:25PM

    This is how I feel too, it's like being underwater and trying to fight your way up. What I've begun again (just today) is to just start tracking my food. I'm spending 21 days just getting in the habit of tracking meaning I'll just do the best I can but my object is to just track regardless of how I do. Sometimes we just have to start doing something really small that will get us moving. emoticon

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GRAMMY_22 5/20/2013 4:51PM

    Just take one day at a can do it!

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*RENEAT* 5/20/2013 4:23PM

    Slow and steady wins the race....

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SHILOHPIP 5/20/2013 4:16PM

    BABY STEPS! Just try one thing at a WILL get easier! emoticon emoticon

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give me sunshine in a pill.....

Monday, May 06, 2013

Todays blog brought to you by rain, dark clouds, dampness and cold!!!
How is ones happy mood supposed to thrive under these conditions?
Where in the hell is Spring?
It sure isnt in Eastern Ky!!! Cold, is an understatement, I have worn sweats and huddled under a blanket for two days.
Zero chance of walking...cant risk a slip on the wet ground on this still healing foot.
At least I hope its healing!
Up early, to more rain....guess I will go grocery shopping today, although I really dont feel like it.
What i really want to do is crawl back into bed and sleep another 5 hours....
Maybe an early bedtime...
So much for getting vitamin d from natural sunlight...I can count on one hand the number of days we have had here so far where you could actually sit outside in the sun.
And those dont include the windy days, wind so bad that any desire to enjoy the sun was ruined and no heat!!!
I am sick sick sick of the cold and darkness.
This weekend, I did nothing, zero, zilch, nada....Sat at home Friday night, sat at home all day Saturday, with the exception of going out for a newspaper, and never left the house all day yesterday.
So, today I am forced to go grocery shopping.
Not that it is going to matter, I am still going to eat like a pig!!!
2 large helpings of spagetti yesterday, with parmasean cheese...
I havent worked out in days, I am starting back on my Wellbutrin this week, which I swore I never would.
But something has to give.
I am sick of always being in a funk and always feeling sick and always feeling angry.
I dont know how it will effect my eating habits, but if I see any signs that it is making me overeat I will stop it again.
I went off all my meds about a year ago or longer, except for zestril for blood pressure and clonidine for blood pressure and to help me sleep.
I stopped Metformin for pcos as I couldnt see one dang thing it was doing for me...I stopped wellbutrin and I stopped the cholesterol pills
and with the exception of more energy and less feelings like I was dragging around a 50 pound wet blanket behnd me...or that I was carrying around a 50 pound cinderblock on my shoulders...I couldnt see one negative effect from stopping these meds.
I became a believer in eating healthy would help more with these issues I had...but now, the depression is getting to be too much.
I think a combo of the broken foot, relationship issues, the bad weather, not losing weight and periomenopause, have brought about this depression.
And since i cannot treat it, by walking, by sitting in the sunlight..or turning back the clock to age 25....I have decided to start back on the wellbutrin...
I will keep the blog going on the results....
But you all just wait, til the day the sun shines continously for a week....I bet ya see a happier sunnier dispostion from me.
I know my blogs have been doom and gloom lately....but I have been in a funk and I cant clim out.
I need to real bad, cause even I miss the old me...
a friend told me recently she misses the old me, I said well, damn I miss the YOUNG ME!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAPECODBABE 5/7/2013 8:32AM

    What a great comeback - I miss the young me!!!

It is amazing how the weather can influence your mood.

I hope the sun heads your way soon!!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GK1963 5/6/2013 10:37AM

    Wish I could send you some of my sunshine. We are lucky here and are in for a gorgeous week. It certainly makes a difference when that wonderful glowing orb is not covered by clouds. Here's to hoping sunshine comes your way soon.

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EVIE4NOW 5/6/2013 9:05AM

  Spring? Spring? What is that? Know it used to be in my vocabulary but for the life of me I can't remember what it means. I do know it doesn't mean 8 inches of snow on May 1 or still wearing a winter coat on May 5. Maybe this week I will remember.

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rock bottom aint no place to be!!! (and i can see it from here)!!!

Friday, May 03, 2013

I give up on trying to figure out how many calories I should be eating daily.
And I also give up on figuring out how to stay under that limit, once I do figure it out!!!
I reset my calories recently, as SP had set them somewhere around 1900, I lowered them to 1600, which I personally still felt was a little high.
But now I find myself even having trouble staying under that.
I just cant seem to stay at that range and I dont really OVEREAT.
Today I didnt really overeat, while I did go over my calories by 300..mostly it was milk, I choose not to drink the super skim milk, and I go for 2 percent.
I am drinking alot of milk right now trying, hopefully succeeding in increasing my vitamin d.
And yes, I know there are foods that contain vitamin d that arent as high in calories.
I just feel defeated.
Woke up early this morning, my plans were to go to the court hearing for my friend to get his bond reinstated, which I kinda knew wasnt really going to happen.
But I didnt go.
Cleaned my house and sat outside in the sun, while it lasted, which wasnt long.
He didnt get out by the way and I wasnt surprised.
Life goes on.
As the day wore on, I felt ok, I went and took care of some mail and visited the market.
Then I came home and got depressed.
Not really sure why, irrational thoughts I guess.
Feeling neglected by friends and wishing I had a hobby or a part time job that would help me take my mind off these endless wandering thoughts that swim thru my veins like a fish in the sea!!!
Feeling the loss.
My best friend is no longer a daily part of my life, in fact, if we speak 2 times a week we are lucky.
But for me right now, the thoughts and depression I am feeling is all internal.
I am just really sick and tired of thinking all the time.
Wondering why I cant lose weight...after having lost 71 pounds, I gained back 8 pounds and havent taken off another pound since and I am sick to death of thinking about it.
Worrying, tearing at it, pulling at the seams and turning it over and over in my head.
Tired of feeling these angry thoughts, sad thoughts, lost thoughts.
I just want to lose weight, that is all I want...once again, to get back to where I was in January and I hate this damn contraption that is strapped to my foot 10 hours a day....
is it doing anything???
is it helping my bone to heal??? am I an idiot for believing the doctor when he says it will?
Will I ever be normal and start losing weight and get over the hurts and stresses I have been thru?
2013 has totally royally and with much fanfare SUCKED!!!!
That is no exaggeration....Since Day 1....the whole year so far has been one big ball of dog excrement on the bottom of my brand new 80 dollar walking shoes, which I have only worn to the walking track 3 times, cause that is all I have walked in 120 days!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HOPEFILL 5/5/2013 9:03PM

    I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful. I have been through depression - and that's certainly what you're describing - and it's terrible to be imprisoned in your own mind!

This suggestion is so small it might actually be infuriating, but it was a key part of my own recovery. I bought a notebook and carried it with me everywhere for a month. Each day, I wrote the date on the page and started a bulleted list that began with "remembered to start the day's happy list." That was the first victory. The second was often "made it to work at a reasonable hour" or "noticed a pretty view" or "wore decent clothes" or "showered before noon" or "enjoyed breakfast". Whatever I could think of - each and every teensy tiny good thing that happened during the day, I wrote it down. Thing is, people love to add to a list...we just naturally start looking for things to put on a list once it gets going. And, in the process, I was ever-so-briefly interrupting the mantra that had taken over my life: "I'm so unhappy. I'm so unhappy. I'm so unhappy."

Depression is a deadly illness, so please please take good care of yourself and consider enlisting professional support. In the meantime, maybe my notebook trick will help a little.

You've been through a lot. It really will get better, though.

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    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    Having dealt with depression for decades, sometimes it just isn't your fault. Sometimes you have to talk to a doctor about meds and counseling. You're doing a great job blogging about it, but do reach out for help when you need it. Life is too short to spend it in misery. Wishing the very best for you.

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CAPECODBABE 5/3/2013 9:00PM

    Wish I could give you a big hug.

Just know things will get better.

Tomorrow is a new day. Give yourself permission, just for tomorrow, not worry about anything. If you have trouble doing that, write all your worries down and put them away. Get back to them another day!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MEBAZI 5/3/2013 8:24PM

    Sounds like you have a lot going on. Good job for blogging about it. It helps process things. Just know you have the strength to get yourself out of this, stressing out about it makes things worse. Try to channel that stress energy into answers to solve the problem. I know easier said than done, but I know if I think less and do what I know instead, it can sometimes help. You have came so far, you know you can do it. Continue the things you know work. Don't give up now, you have accomplished so much! Just breathe, set small goals and take small steps....good luck!

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