SOFT_VAL67   77,583
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i remembered myself today

Monday, May 27, 2013

I first want to say thanks to all who have shown concern about me the last few days.
My blogs might have concerned some of you, and if they did, then I guess I did what I set out to do.
Reach down into a dark place. To pour myself and my thoughts out onto paper. (so to speak).
We cant all always be cheery and happy and light as a feather.
Sometimes, we get our minds twisted about the foods we eat, for me, the issue is, I feel guilt over almost every food I eat, every drink I take, and no, I am not an alcoholic.
I hardly ever drink, thats why maybe when I do indulge in a few drinks, I have guilt.
My mind has forgotten how to get back to where I was when I was at my peak.
I went back and searched my food journals to see what I am doing differently now from then.
It is just a part of the sickness.
To be unable to eat normally and see that it is NORMAL.
There is a reason why most of us became overweight or have food issues, etc.
I never really thought of myself as an unhappy person and most of the time, I am not.
But yes, its true, even I get the blues sometimes, get moody, angry, hurt, overwhelmed, frustrated.
Just as my last blog stated, I cant always be the friend who makes everyone laugh or has the witty come back and the witty remarks.
Sometimes I am dark, and I need to get it out.
Put it down, to read it, to have others see...
We have pain.
We have to find out why, where it comes from, what makes it better, worse, etc.
But, dont be too worried about me, I am doing ok.
I sank into a dark place recently, relationships and stress and burdens I carry.
and I carry....on.
Today has been a better day. There was sunshine, and shopping and my friend RG asked me to send a pic and so I did the bathroom pic....best lighting I think.

Walked this morning, then got my shopping out of the way, had an ice cream cone and felt none of that pesky guilt.
Went to see the Hangover 3, and fyi, if you go, make sure to stay to the VERY end, credits rolling.....
I pushed the walk to 40 minutes today and the foot didnt bother me at all and felt good.
So, yes, on occasion, you might read a blog from me that makes you think, thats what writing is supposed to do.
Not everyday is filled with rainbows and lemon drops and butterfly kisses.
Some are filled with angst and anger and dread and guilt and too many thoughts.
But today wasnt.
Today was pretty in pink.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAROL_31649731 5/28/2013 8:07PM

    Nice blog . . . I think I "get you" a little better now. You look nice in pink! Have a nice day. emoticon

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LOVINGAFRICA 5/28/2013 11:47AM

    Guilt is a very poisonous, fattening emotion!
I am happy to hear that you are feeling better now. Good for you for being open, honest and sharing.
Bless you


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CAPECODBABE 5/28/2013 10:32AM

    So glad to hear you are doing okay.

Sending butterfly kisses emoticon

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LUCKYPRESENCE 5/28/2013 9:58AM

    I am also consumed with everything that I eat. I sometimes get exhausted stressing out over good choices vs. bad choices and so on. And I have to hang my head in shame and admit that I make bad choices more than I should. But, I have to just move on and give myself credit for the good choices. I hope you feel better soon, and just know we are all here for you emoticon

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KARENE10 5/28/2013 8:24AM

    "not everyday is filled with rainbows,lemon drops and butterfly kisses"~Isn't THAT the truth!!! emoticon on the 40 minute walk! Looking forward to seeing the Hangover 3. Glad that you had a pretty in pink day emoticon

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LADYFROMTHEWOOD 5/28/2013 7:09AM

    Yes, I agree depression comes in waves, but still...
food, alcohol, walking, and even writing are all escape tactics. It will always be there until you go after the cause. I still think you should make an appointment today. Reading back through all your past blogs might convince you of the long-term pattern that I know you want to break free from.
Best wishes for the rest of your journey... t.

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SUNSET09 5/28/2013 7:02AM

  My aunt sopke these words as well and they linger in my ear. Every day won't be peaches of cream however, it's all in out attitude. No ne can be happy everyday so we all have our moments and it's healthy. It's what makes us human. One day at a time, Sweet Jesus! That pink is pretty on you! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ALICIA214 5/28/2013 12:30AM

 

I am happy that today was better for you, we all have our down days and it is very
healthy to get all the darkness out into the open.
You do look pretty in pink!!

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did you hear the news!!!!

Sunday, May 26, 2013

The bit of news I heard last night, I decided was really good. I decided it was for the best that everything happens for a reason and that it is time to let bygones be gone.
I awoke this morning the sun was shining, I took my vitamins and made coffee, I sat awhile on the porch, but it was still a little cool, so I sat awhile in the chair and it was just right, or I guess it had to be.
I decided to go for a drive, seeing that there wasnt much to eat in the house, I decided to go shopping.
As I drove, I thought and I thought and I ended up not at the store, but at Fishtrap Dam, or trashtrap as locals call it, as it is, well, littered with trash.
I drove slowly around the Dam, and seen the trash, they push it all up into the corner of the lake so to not interfere with the boats....all that trash in one little corner, and I realized, that is my mind....all that trash, its all sitting there, pushed into a corner, trash so thick, it spills over, into my mouth and my throat and my stomach...into my veins and into my blood until my blood boils and..............

Why did I go there.
Only I alone know.
To think, too much time to think, I think.
Too many thoughts, they still follow me as I go.
Release, be it sweet or bitter....came in the form of water, so so so much water.
I drove some more...no place to go, I didnt feel like shopping afterall.
I didnt feel like going to the park or to the walking track, or to anyones house, oh wait, there is no ones house to go to anyway.
I drove, back home....I decided it was the only place to be really...in my kitchen, I made a burger and a sweet potato with butter.
I was hungry.
Now I am full.

As the food goes down, it pushes the guilt up to the top....so much guilt, it spells out in the form of anger, self loathing, the questions, why did you eat a sweet potato with butter????
Why didnt you go walking?
Why are you such a pathetic loser?
Why did you allow yourself to believe for one minute that you deserved happiness?
Why did you allow yourself to think that girl or that girl or that girl wanted to actually be your friend?
Why would they want to hang out with you???
Why did you eat that sweet potato with butter you are already so fat????

I know, I know.
Why did i not listen.....why do I continue to lie to myself, why do I keep thinking tomorrow is going to be any different than today, there is no change in sight, there are no grand plans for life to be any different.
And the thoughts followed me home again.
I couldnt leave them in the trashy water.
and the next 3 days.....this all consuming noise...like a bee buzzing in my ear.
The pain never goes away....the news didnt change anything.
Did you think it would.
You are still to blame for everything, being fat, being too lazy to walk, not eating healthy, gaining back 7 lbs, not having one damn person who wants to be with you or near you/
And yet, you are soooo funny.
You make me laugh, you always have the witty comeback.
You are the life of the party, except.....you didnt get invited to that party, or that one and you wont be invited to the next one either.
You....just sit right there in that chair, alone with the thoughts, they are your friend now.
You make me laugh!!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TUDAFD 5/27/2013 11:06AM

    I agree. You do have a talent for writing -- poetry, maybe? I think a sweet potato with butter is a pretty good choice. I have that for lunch many times and I even add brown sugar to it. Now, that might not be the best choice but it tastes delicious.

Take care and have a wonderful Memorial Day.



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AMBERZADE67 5/27/2013 8:45AM

    Yesterday I was jogging with my dog Brownie and I found myself telling myself nice things about myself. .... something about how fabulous I was .... how wonderful I was ..... how happy I was .... what a lovely day it was .....

Anyway, I noticed myself doing this as I was jogging and then I considered all the other sort of chatter that has and sometimes does go on in my head. It's so destructive to tell ourselves that we are ugly, or bad, or that anything we have done is WRONG with a capital W. We all do it at times though.

It can be really difficult to rewrite or redirect the inner dialogue that has been running in our heads for such a long time. You have such a powerful awareness that I just know that once you let a little sunlight in the happiest and most satisfied you will burst forth.

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CAPECODBABE 5/27/2013 8:33AM

    Good Morning Sunshine,

A sweet potato with butter isn't that bad...

You sound lonely. Time to get yourself out there.

You seem to have a talent for writing, why not join a writers group. I belong to one and look forward to our Tuesday night meetings.

Have you tried meditation? That might quiet the mind a little. And hopefully the sun and weather will cheer you up.

Have a wonderful Memorial Day my dear spark friend.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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the here and there and everywhere thinking about stuff blog

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Headache tonight.
Foot has hurt pretty much all day, I guess I shouldnt have gone to the walking track.
about 4 laps in and it really began to ache, I mighta pushed. Today I really needed it....but I didnt get it.
Walking was the one thing I did have.
And now I dont have that.
All the times when I needed to think, the cry, to laugh, to wonder, to work out ideas or ponder a subject or let go of some steam or some anger or some resentment or anxiety or even just when I was feeling really good and wanted to feel even better....
I would lace up my walking shoes, go to the track, put in my earbuds and listen to the songs that would help me do all of that....and now.....the songs have no meaning, the problems have no place to go....
So.....
I sit on the porch looking at the dark clouds moving across...I seen one in the shape of a frog.
I seen a plane flying way off in the distance and I wondered where it might be going...wish I were going somewhere...but i live 3 hours from the nearest airport, I have no passport and I have no money. Besides, I wouldnt know what to do once I got there, I could run as far as the sky allowed, but the thoughts inside my head would insist on coming to, they always do.
you think a day makes a difference...one minute you are texting and joking with a friend and the next, you are told a bit of news that you cant decide if its good or bad.
But, either way....you wish you didnt have to think about it, wonder about it, try to figure it out or try to see where it fits into your own life, or if it does, but people sure want to see the look on your face or hear the tone of your voice to see if it does. So called friends.
And even though you thought the day was getting better....deep down it really wasnt, and the pain rises to the top again and theres no pill to take it away, theres no walk, theres no friend to call, theres nothing to do but live with your thoughts. The thoughts you really dont want to think anymore.
and yet, they come, they linger, even in bed, sleeping, you dream about them, they swim thru your veins like a fish in the sea...whispering... "follow me, everything is alright, i'll be the one to tuck you in at night, and if you want to leave......"....and even though you do want to leave, you follow, cause you have no place else to go.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FRENCHSEAMS 5/26/2013 6:34PM

    I understand what you are saying LADYFROMTHEWOOD! When I had clinical depression, i hauled myself off to a psychiatrist for professional help. There is some good advice in that recommendation.

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LADYFROMTHEWOOD 5/26/2013 10:37AM

    Still here. Still encouraging you to go for help. Waiting to hear that you have. This is bigger than you. Love ya. Praying for you. Wishing I could drag you to a good doctor. Wishing I could make you pick up the phone and call first thing Tuesday morning for an appointment. Lots of art comes from deep, dark places (like writing) but that doesn't fix the problem, it just expresses the pain. The pain in your heart is much worse than the pain in your foot.
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KARENE10 5/26/2013 10:13AM

    emoticon

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AMBERZADE67 5/26/2013 7:15AM

    While this was a little sad to read ... I appreciate the stream of consciousness style of it ... and the reality and truth of it for you .... I'm sorry you were feeling this way when you wrote this and hope the day got better. I have found that I come up with the best ideas/thoughts etc while jogging with my dog so I know what you're saying.

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CAPECODBABE 5/26/2013 5:39AM

    I agree. Writing and journaling can be a great way to work through things.

Write down what is bothering you, then today give yourself a day off from worrying about it.

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FRENCHSEAMS 5/26/2013 3:09AM

    I think you could write your way out of your rut. What happened to your foot? How did it break?

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im the conductor on the crazy train, full speed ahead!!!!!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Last night I attended my sons 2 year celebration/ NA meeting. I sat there listening to some of the stories from these people and thinking, add drugs and this is my life.
F' ed up!!!!
I heard one girl share her story, a story so horrifying that if I had lived it, I would not have survived beyond probably age 18/
And I thought, what is my problem?
These people, one man has been in recovery and clean for 32 years., are doing it.
Some of them overcoming addictions to crack, herion, pain pills, every drug that can be thought of.
I sure wish there was an OA meeting around me.
I felt the way so many of them were describing. Lost, alone, scared, left behind, forgotten, angry, misguided, misjudged, worthless, sick and seeking any outlet to get rid of their feelings.
They chose drugs, I chose food.
And as one man said, they traded one addiction for another, and that addiction for some of them is now NA itself.
Last summer as I began to walk and learn to eat healthy, and quit trying to self destruct at full speed ahead, I traded one addiction for another, maybe more than one.
I became obsessed with walking, and there were other vices, one being alcohol.
I never drank for years, and found myself drinking often, and alot.
I never thought wow I am an alcoholic and I still dont think I am....I was a social drinker at best.
But found myself seeking out occassions to drink, the only set back for me was the calories as it interferred with my diet plan and my sparking, I pretty much quit drinking as I quit really spending social time with those particular friends and I just have the occasional beer, like I say, alcohol wasnt my drug of choice either....Men....? hmmm, the wrong kind of attention from men....I allowed myself to become flirtatious.
I found myself going down dangerous roads with the thoughts I was having,
I know I have blogged about this before, about trading one addiction for another, Oprah did a show about it, people trading their food addicions for gambling, sex, shoplifting, drugs.
I found myself thinking that men were really attracted to me NOW, now that I had lost all this weight and I was feeling confident and healthy and sexy.
I guess I found out I wasnt the hottest thing since warm butter and I learned that I needed to find what was wrong inside of me that made me seek attention, from anyone.
I poured my heart and soul into walking, everyday, I loved it, it kept me off the computer, it kept me out of the house, out of restaurants, away from alcohol, etc...then I broke my foot
no walking the doctor said....
what do I do now...?
Oh I can continue working out, lifting weights, bands, the bike, etc....only I didnt!!!!
I began slowling adding back bread and slices of pizza, the occasional slice of cake, etc....
and I got off my plan, I gained 7 lbs and I hated myself for that, WHEN THERE WERE SO MANY OTHER GOOD REASONS!!!!
Now, the foot is healing, I am walking,,,,, some. But...something is still missing. theres a darkness in my life, I cant find any light.....
I just feel a sense of nothing ness in my life.
I swore I was going to get out and find a job.
I havent.

What is wrong with me?????
i am depressed, I have no sense of direction, I dont really try that hard to stay on track as I once did.
I am bored all the time, there is nothing to do, reading lasts an hour at best and I lay the book down and forget it.
Nothing holds my interest.
I am seeking something and I dont know what.
And therefore have no idea where to find it.
And I am angry at myself to holding on to past hurts, I think that letting go is easy and I dont want anything to be easy in my life.
I know self destruction.
It is famaliar to me as my shoes.
I learned that I enjoy wollering in self pity.
After hearing some of the stories last night, I just think, wow, you have had it easy compared to some of these people and they are at their meeting, staying clean, working, living life, enjoying being alive, greatful for being alive, helping others to learn to live.
And what am I doing?
feeling sorry for my miserable self.
Well, its time for this nonsense to stop.
It wasnt antidepressants that I needed, it wasnt food, it wasnt friends, it wasnt activities, it was the will to change and the knowledge to know what I need to do to make that change happen.
I now know I want to change, I want to walk, and eat healthy and stop abusing myself with pity and negative thoughts and negative people and start living.
Now I know how to eat and work out, I have been doing it for a year now....I have had decent results, all I need to do is remember where I left it.
As for boredom and happiness beyond these walls.....I have no idea, I dont know what it is I seek.
I dont know where to find it....I know where it isnt, in an ice cream container or a bottle of pop or a bottle of pills or a bottle of beer.
I know it isnt hiding inside this computer or in friends who are fake, wolves in sheeps clothing.
But where is it, what is it, how do I find it????

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FRENCHSEAMS 5/23/2013 8:34PM

    Volunteer work perhaps? Finding yourself isn't such an easy task is it? But, that is life's journey. emoticon

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CAPECODBABE 5/23/2013 7:17PM

    You are a wonderful person!!! emoticon

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*RENEAT* 5/23/2013 6:27PM

    I truly know how you feel and sometimes it is so much easier to just wallow...but I have been pushing myself to make more of an effort every day. I was seeing a counselor (who I can't afford now) who told me "sometimes you have to fake it to make it". I've been trying that and you know what? Those days I make the effort I DO feel better. Not always of course but for the most part. Sounds like you have the will, now just make yourself get underway. You can do it! Hope this helps at least a little! Renea

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MARTYJOE 5/23/2013 6:14PM

    Good for you. baby steps will eventually reach your goal


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when am i gonna go forward the way i once did

Monday, May 20, 2013

Something has changed. I just dont think I remember how to do it anymore.
I think all this time that has passed has been too much for me to remember.
How do I get back to where I was?
How do I get my mind to think the way I did in January?
How do I lose weight again?
How do I go to lunch and eat heatlhy?
How do I walk again?
Why did this happen to me and what do I do about it?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SOFT_VAL67 5/20/2013 10:38PM

    Thanks to all of you who responded. My foot is feeling better, but I am still feeling like every walk I take I am pushing it.
My goodness, its been 4 months since I broke it.
I walked this evening for 30 minutes. Now to just lay off the extra calories and get back to burning them off.

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CAPECODBABE 5/20/2013 7:02PM

    It's like riding a bike...

You just need your foot back to normal

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DEVONA8 5/20/2013 6:25PM

    This is how I feel too, it's like being underwater and trying to fight your way up. What I've begun again (just today) is to just start tracking my food. I'm spending 21 days just getting in the habit of tracking meaning I'll just do the best I can but my object is to just track regardless of how I do. Sometimes we just have to start doing something really small that will get us moving. emoticon

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GRAMMY_22 5/20/2013 4:51PM

    Just take one day at a time...you can do it!

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*RENEAT* 5/20/2013 4:23PM

    Slow and steady wins the race....
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SHILOHPIP 5/20/2013 4:16PM

    BABY STEPS! Just try one thing at a time...it WILL get easier! emoticon emoticon

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