Friday, April 12, 2013
Things didnt go as I had hoped today at the Ortho visit.
It wasnt all bad.
The foot isnt any worse, the bone hasnt seperated anymore than it had.
But, its not growing back, or healing in a timely manner.
It has been a full 3 months. And at this point, the callus or cartiledge should have closed the gap, or filled in between my foot and the broken off piece of bone.
The callus is forming, but its still too soft at this point.
So, the next step is to continue the high doses of vitamin d. And soon, in about a week I will get an appointment made to begin electromagnetic bone stimulation. Bone stimulator as the doctor called it, in the only real positive part of the day, my friends and I shared a good chuckle at that title...(dirty joke inserted here).....
And I am unsure how long that will continue or how often I will have to do this.
I go back to the doctor again in June.
He isnt going to do a repeat lab on my vitamin d until June.
He didnt give me all bad news.
He told me that if I feel that my foot isnt hurting too much, I can try walking.
He said maybe I can start with about 20 minutes once or twice a week. And if my foot isnt hurting then I can continue that until I come back to see him.
If, he says, the foot is bothering me, then I shouldnt walk on it. I can stop wearing the boot unless I begin to feel pain and today, when he touched the area where its broke, there was some pain and thru out the evening its been hurting.
So, I am going to wait to see if the foot is no longer sore on Monday, and I might give that walk a try.
I am feeling defeated, even with that bit of news, due to the fact that I know 20 minutes twice a week, isnt going to give me any kind of calorie burn to help me get back to losing weight.
But, I know it will help me to ease back into my walking.
The doctor didnt seem to optimistic about it and part of me wonders if he simply said yes to my question about walking, because deep down he suspects the bone isnt going to really heal on its own and that surgery will eventually be required!!!
I am just sick of it all!!!
I am sick of the injustice my friend has had to endure and I am sick of my body doing this to me!!!
I was being good to my body, I was eating healthy and walking and drinking water and taking my vitamins, so why wasnt my body absorbing the vitamins?
Why did my body rebel against my attempt to make it healthier???
Why is all of this happening to me and why is it happening during the most stressful time in my life??
I feel so overwhelmed and almost like just going back to being a big fat lazy slug sitting on the couch with a damn cookie in my hand!!!
I mean afterall, why try when the body obviously doesnt care.
Well, I guess that is just stinkin thinkin and the only thing I can do is workout in other ways and walk what little bit I can.
At least I will be outside in the sunshine for 20 mins and maybe if the freakin wind ever dies down around here I can actually get warm and enjoy it!!!
So, I guess thats the update, not much of one.
My body just refuses to heal itself....maybe now that some of the stress is behind me I can focus more on just exercising with my stretch band and recumbant bike and weights.
And maybe 8 weeks will make some difference for the positive.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
As I sit here with my front door open, listening to the birds chirping and feeling a cool breeze blowing past...I see the sun come and go.
I think we are due for some rain showers later tonight.
But its ok.
I am going to enjoy this day as much as I can.
The last 3 days were beautiful...highs in the 80's, bright sunny and hot.
Of course, I spent the better part of those days inside, inside a hot, stuffy courtroom.
Listening to the horror story and waiting with dread the outcome of the trial.
When we would get a break, or the court would recess for lunch...My friend and his family, who almost all smoke, would go to the smoking area, but I would go to the bench in the courtyard and try to enjoy the sun.
Soaking up that vitamin d my body so depserately needs.
My friend walked over to me the other day and said come sit with us, and I told him I cant stand the cigerette smoke, he said..."You sure love that sun dont ya Val"?... and I said "Yes, I love it and want more of it"!!
Yesterday, the day the trial was wrapping up...was another beautiful day....we were sitting inside the hallway of the courthouse and it was hot, the sun was beaming thru the window and I was sitting directly in its light.
He got up and moved to a shadier chair because he had on dress shirt and tie...I said I love this sun....
He was just so content and seemed more relaxed than I had seen him in awhile...
He said "Its gonna be a beautiful summer, try to enjoy it".....
Those words will stay with me thru every hot day.
Every hot car ride I have to endure in my non air conditioned car....
Every time I hear myself beginning to complain about the heat....I will remember he is sitting in a stuffy hot jail cell with all these other convicted felons and he would love to be on the riverbank, fishing pole in hand....shorts and bandanna on.
He is the most cheerful, upbeat man I know.
Takes life in stride.
Why this horrible event happened to him is beyond me.
But its another turning point, a lesson learned in time.
And if he were able, he would be outside, mowing his yard or working on his camper or riding his Harley.
Fishing or just sitting in his pontoon.
So, this is going to be my summer of freedom.
I am going to enjoy my life.
Not sit and worry about how I am going to pay a bill or what I am going to fix for dinner or what I am going to do Saturday night.
I am just going to enjoy being free to do nothing.
And I am going to get back to my exercise, because my friend would want me to to.
He was one of my biggest supporters and came and walked with me and I think mostly he just wanted to talk but he was there.
He always drove around the track to see if I was there walking.
I feel content this morning. I feel like he is at peace and he is resting easy. I can just feel it and I know that his sentence will be light and he will be home before we have time to miss him. Freedom, it really isnt just another word for nothing left to lose. Freedom has come to mean so much more to me and I know I want to be free, not just free as a citizen, but free in my own mind and body!!!
I want to continue to lose weight and get healthy and be free of the fear of getting sick, and to free my self esteem and feel good and free to not feel like everyone is staring at me in a bad way....these are freedoms we dont think about...but I am now...I am glad to be free to eat healthy and work out and drink my water and lose weight and have access to the great outdoors and hiking trails and take advantage of every chance.
Today I am going to just relax at home and not do much of anything but sit on my porch in the sun and even enjoy the wind and rain....
SM at the river in happier times!!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
It was a super long day.
Court began at 9am, and wasnt over til nearly 7pm.
My friends trial is over. He was found guilty of second degree manslaughter.
It could have been much worse I guess, murder was the request of the prosecutor.
The verdict carries a sentence of no less than 5 years and no more than 10 years.
If he is given the lesser, he will be eligible for parole in 1 year.
If he is given the maximum, he will be eligible for parole in 2 years.
Given the fact that my friend, was the legal homeowner, and the legal gun owner and was inside of HIS home, and a threatening person put their body, hands and feet on his doorstep and door knob, he should have been well within the boundaries of the law to protect his home and his life.
The Castle Doctrine says, you do not have to retreat, you have a right to meet force with force.
And this is what my friend did and yet, he was charged, his rights taken away.
Not that it matters in the eyes of the law in my little town, but the man who came to his door, had known that my friend had a large sum of money earlier in the night, as he had lost his wallet and someone returned it to him, with all the money in it, and the story was told where the dead man was residing.
He went there, I believe to try to rob my friend...he was a known drug user and at the time of his death had 5 different controlled substances in his system.
My friend was no saint, he drank at that time, but he was inside his home, at 330am and the home of his 13 year old daughter and his wife.
How was this intruder to know that his wife and daughter werent there????
My friend is also the father of a United States Marine.
I guess this just goes to show you, if someone comes to your home in our town, you had better throw down your guns and let them in and let them rob you, rape you, beat you or kill you, or else!!!!
The laws of the United States Constitution apparently do not apply here.
But, I am feeling peaceful tonight.
I am not worried about my friend, as I know he is a man with God in heart and his family to motivate him.
I do believe he will be alright. Last year he came and walked with me a few times to help motivate me, and once he had on a bandanna with an american flag on it...on my birthday, he said he would buy me a gift, but I told him I dont want you to BUY me anything, I wanted him to GIVE me something that was his, something I could keep.
And he gave me that bandanna,
I will be carrying it when I start back walking.
And since he used to come walk with me some...I felt so motivated on the drive home, to get back to my walking, and if I cannot walk, I will find another way to get my exercise...I am now motivated.
Knowing what my friend faces and what he has to do, I know the little struggles I face are nothing.
I told his wife to tell him he better know I am saving him a spot on the walking track with me.
Just last week he and I talked about going walking as soon as my foot is healed.
And now I have to let my heart heal as well.
I will heal!!!
Me and SM...10/21/2012
Tuesday, April 09, 2013
Actually complained a little about the heat today...but not too much, and only to myself. lol
Well, the trial continued today...and the morning half seemed to go in favor of the defense, but the afternoon was worrisome.
I guess another long day tomorrow.
But, my friend is in good spirits and I got to enjoy sitting outside in the sunlight today for almost an hour.
I go back to the doctor on Friday, and I am just so so so hoping for good news.
I hope my vitamin d is up and I hope the bone is beginning to finally heal.
I really do not want to have surgery...I just want to walk again.
NO, I NEED to walk again.
I am feeling like I am really getting too far away from it.
I miss it, but I am falling back into bad habits and no matter what I try to do, I just cannot make myself want to or like other forms of exercise enough to really feel like I am making a difference.
I am not going to weigh this week...and maybe, well most likely, I will see bad results next week...but, I am ready to get back to it, I just really need to get this week over with...
If my friend is acquitted, I will feel like we can all move on with whats next.
And I can breathe easier and get on with whatever the future holds for me....and maybe get a part time job to give me something to busy myself...and get back to walking, once the doctor finally gives me the thumbs up.
If I do have to have surgery....I fear my depression will overwhelm me and that I will get so far away from walking and so much back into bad habits that I will really do some major damage to my weight loss.
I have gained back 5 pounds and I vowed this morning that was it, that was ENOUGH!!!!
I do not want to gain another pound....I cant afford to, I know how hard it is to lose it.
So, what can I do????
I cant decide which plan will be best for me to jump start again...weight watchers or what???
I know what worked for me before...and try as I might, I cant seem to get back there....its mostly the lack of daily walking that has taken my mind away from healthier eating...
Gosh I am just so sick of feeling this down in a rut!!!!
I have to climb out and soon....
So, Friday isnt that far away, once the doctor gives me the news, be it good or bad, I will know where to go from there....
So, I am just really hoping for sunlight again tomorrow.
And good outcomes for my friend and for myself.
Monday, April 08, 2013
Today, I got up very early and went someplace I wish I never had to go...court.
One of my dearest friends in the world went on trial today for murder.
Nearly one year ago, he shot and killed a man who was trying to illegally and forcibly enter his home.
He shot the man, as he grabbed the front door of his home and jerked it open, after being told to leave....my friend, didnt know if the man was armed or not, so he wasnt willing to take a chance.
He then, along with his mother, who lived right next door, heard the shot and came running over, tried to administer cpr to the man, tried to help ease him, with blankets and comfort and called 911...
However, after talking to the police, my friend, instead of being upheld as a law abiding homeowner, who has a right as an American citizen to bear arms, and who also has a permit to carry concealed weapons, was branded a murderer.
It has been a long 10 months.
Stressful on my friend and his wife and family.
I dread these next days coming...I know I will hear thing about my friend and it will hurt.
Today, after 3 hours of jury selection, I had to leave, I couldnt stay and wait it out to see if the trial would begin, which it did after I had come home.
It pained me that I had to leave, because I have told my friend that I will never leave his side or stop supporting him.
I see fear in his eyes now.
I want to spend as much time with him as I can....just in case!!!
So, I ate a big ol sausage biscuit from one of the quick marts and I ate a turkey sub from Subway and I ate a poptart and I ate a 100 calorie snack pack and I wish like hell I felt like just getting drunk, but I dont!!!
And, besides, it would neither change the situation or make me feel better.
So, I will workout, lift weights, ride my bike and drink my water and try not to snack anymore the rest of the day, eat the other half of my sub for dinner and hopefully relax, maybe take a long bubble bath and wish all these situations with my friends and my home life and my health, such as my broken foot would hurry up and be resolved and done!!!!
More about the foot tomorrow, as I prepare for my ortho visit on Friday....
have a nice healthy evening to everyone/
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