Monday, March 25, 2013
So, old man winter and Mother Nature must be having a battle of wills or maybe they are in cahoots to play April Fools Day jokes on us all!!!
The snow is continuing here and reported to get heavier into the night, its miserably cold and makes me feel even more dark and depressed.
But I did fix a nice healthy veggie laden dinner for myself, and get in a workout.
Did some laundry and cleaned a little.
Seems theres just not much to do anymore.
I am very bored in my life.
I am struggling with this personal issue...of overcoming boredom and lonliness and depression.
I am usually pretty upbeat, but lately I cant find the humor in much.
I keep hoping once summer gets here, I will feel better, or differently, but I am unsure at this point.
Wondering if antidepressants are in order....
I know more exercise will help, and once I am able to walk again, I will have that at least.
So, overall, this day is pretty miserable....cold, wet, snowy, dark, no tanning bed, no sunlight, not much to do at all.
Wollow in self pity I suppose.
And keep searching for answers....and a laugh or two.
I dont really feel bad...I feel ok...just really wishing there was something to do.
or that this dark cloud would finally lift and move on....
Tuesdays are usually weigh in day for me, although I think I will skip tomorrow.
I really see no point in it, I know I havent lost since last week and I sure dont want to see it if I have gained.
Maybe one more full week of healthier food choices and exercise will make some bit of difference.
I really want to start losing weight again.
I am pretty sick and tired of being stuck in a rut.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Today, despite the heavy rain and impending snow...has been alot better than yesterday...I was so down last night and feeling lost and angry.
Today, I realized I have to let this all go.
The past is lingering in my mind and it is just that, the past.
There is no going back, there is no finding a way to fix things. I can only fix things from right here, and maybe not even fix all things.
But I can try to fix my calories and exercise...today I got in a workout...could have been better, more calories could have been burned.
But it felt good to get back to it.
And so now, I sit on the couch, under an electric blanket, getting ready to watch The Walking Dead and reading and nursing a sore foot.
But feeling pretty good.
I know I will have more days like yesterday and I know I will try to have even more better days like today. I look forward to going back to the doctor to have my xrays on my foot and to get my vitamin d level checked...only 18 days to go and I feel confident that my vitamin d is gonna be up.
I have been very watchful of the amount of vitamin d I am taking in supplement and the amount I am getting in food.
And while I did go over my calories a little today and my carbs...which is a little upsetting, I know I am getting back into my high protein....and protein is going to really help me when I get more heavily back into my workouts!!!!
So, rain on....I am snug as a bug in a rug and staying in.
And as a friend pointed out in her blog....its good for the seeds in the ground.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Sometimes the best laid plans dont always work out. and sometimes we are reminded of things we would rather forget..but know that we never can or ever will forget.
Today my good friend, the one who had court yesterday, asked me to come to the walking track where he had brought his daughter and her friend to play at the playground nearby.
He said we can walk awhile...the way we used to.
But I had to tell him that I am still unable to walk.
But, I drove up by there, he wasnt there by the time I got there. But even just the drive up there was bittersweet.
The memories of better days...not just the walking days, but him coming to walk with me...even as he was dealing with his own demons and problems.
Coming to encourage me to keep at it, and even now, yesterday was his hearing and he thought of me today.
Then on the drive home, I was in such a good mood, despite the fact that I had to decline the walk, as I passed by my best friends house I seen her and her boyfriend, the cad, sitting on her front porch, drinking beer, which they had to raise into the air as I passed, as though they were toasting, maybe they were.
It angered me, recalling his recent hateful words about me and all of her friends, her son and herself, and yet there she sat with him..as though nothing had happened...and so I passed on by with a courtesy toot of the horn and was still determined to come home and get ready for a night out with friends...and was almost to the turnoff to my road, when I passed another old friend.
A friend I havent seen or spoken to since December...a friend who invokes painful thoughts and memories in my mind and tears at my heart.
A friend who I cherished and who lives so very close by and yet I cannot see them or talk to them or them to me....or they will not I guess.
For their own reasons, whatever they are.
But my mood changed on a dime.
I felt the feelings I had been letting go of, come rushing back and wondered why am I not good enough.
Why do I allow them still all these months later to make me feel like I am not good enough to even speak to???
I know its crazy to hang on to such feelings, and I hate that I do....if I had gotten home maybe 2 minutes earlier I would not have seen them and my night would have been as planned, happy.
But, I ended up feeling depressed and angry and wishing I could go back to December and see what I could have done differently.
And wishing I could walk.
Because after I got home and decided not to go out with my friends for the evening, I found myself very bored and lonely and wishing there was something to do. And I found myself wanting to eat!!! I wanted to eat junk and I was able to reason with myself enough not to binge...although I did drink two beers and even that made me feel worse, so I stopped at two, knowing all I was doing was digging myself deeper into a state of self loathing.
I didnt overeat....but I could have made better choices. White bread and bacon with mayo sandwich...wasnt exactly a healthy dinner.
The logical thing would have been to clean house, workout, read my book...but instead, I sat on my front porch, wondering if I would see them drive back by and wondering if they would see me and wondering why I give a damn!!!!
But, I let it go, came inside and watched a movie.
The nostaglia I think I felt from driving up to the walking track and the invitation from my friend to come walking...it all just took me back to a better time and made me realize, I cannot walk, I dont know when I will be able to walk and it pains me and then why did that chance passing on the roadway occur while all those painful thoughts were already inside me????
Why does anything happen?
People say they happen for a reason, crossing paths, whatever....
I wish I knew the answers to all the questions and I wish I didnt let little things like someone elses dislike for me ingrain itself into my heart and mind.
I wish I had an outlet for my anger and sadness and I wish even more that I didnt feel the anger or sadness.
But I sat here all evening, feeling this building up inside me and knowing I have to find a way to deal with it.
I have to let it go....
I want so badly to just let it go.....
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Today I heard my best friend cry over the man shes chosen to be with. Her pain told me what I have suspected all along, shes so unhappy with her life, that maybe hanging on to him lets her focus her pain on him, and the problems he brings into her life, and off of her own personal issues.
The fact that her biological dad just died and left her his estate, such as it was, to deal with and his funeral to pay for.
A man who had never had anything to do with her or her sister for her whole life.
She has obvious self esteem problems, referring to herself as not pretty and not thin...which bugs the pure hell out of me, cause shes at least 60 pounds thinner than myself.
and in all my years, thin, heavy, and the last year, not as heavy.....never once did I ever refer to myself as not pretty.
It pains me to see her feeling the way she does about herself, while at the same time encouraging me and telling everyone how proud she is of me.
And, yes she is the same friend I had recently chose not to spend time with, while HE is around.
I just wish she could find her own self worth.
Tomorrow my other best friend has to go to court for his pre-trial hearing, some of you may recall reading my past blogs about said friend, having shot and killed a man trying to come into his home, uninvited and threatening.
The courts will not allow his lawyers to argue the Castle law....but instead tried to make it out to be a love triangle or some such....
This was not the case, and my friend, as his trial draws near, in April, is beginning to feel the stress and worry.
Even as he deals with this issue, maybe being sent to prison, he has been there for me to lean on in my own time of struggle, he has listened to me and given me words of encouragment and has always helped me to see the best in myself. I will be going to court with him and supporting him thru this...even if it means sneaking into the ladies room to cry silently for the pain I feel over the way he is being treated and talked about.
It makes me feel that my own issues, while as stressful and worrisome to me personally, arent nearly as bad as some people have.
I love my friends and they love me...why cant we learn to love ourselves???
I have had an otherwise decent day.
Went to the tanning bed, on this oooohhhhh soooooo collldddd day.
I aint too sure about that.
But I stayed on calories and aside from aches and pains, and my foot hurting me....I am doing ok today.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Tired again tonight.
But resolved. To get back into it, my plan that is. Today, I just went ahead and made a cheat day...unintentionally, as is usually the case.
But, after the first cheesestick with lunch, I just said ok, this is how its gonna be???
And so, I had two more slices of pizza, and a burger and fries for dinner.
But that was all....I didnt do dessert, or go ALL OUT.
Of course, I still went over my calories and I am not beating myself up over it.
But I am resolved not to let it happen again...at least not for a good long while.
I look at it with ease.
I am ready.
While I still cannot walk...for exercise, I can ride my bike, and other forms and I will get it in and I will spark it when I do.
I feel good.
Going to turn in early again tonight and feel good about that as well.
It is time to get back to the way things were in January, before the injury and time to start seeing the numbers get lower on the scale.
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