Thursday, March 21, 2013
Today I heard my best friend cry over the man shes chosen to be with. Her pain told me what I have suspected all along, shes so unhappy with her life, that maybe hanging on to him lets her focus her pain on him, and the problems he brings into her life, and off of her own personal issues.
The fact that her biological dad just died and left her his estate, such as it was, to deal with and his funeral to pay for.
A man who had never had anything to do with her or her sister for her whole life.
She has obvious self esteem problems, referring to herself as not pretty and not thin...which bugs the pure hell out of me, cause shes at least 60 pounds thinner than myself.
and in all my years, thin, heavy, and the last year, not as heavy.....never once did I ever refer to myself as not pretty.
It pains me to see her feeling the way she does about herself, while at the same time encouraging me and telling everyone how proud she is of me.
And, yes she is the same friend I had recently chose not to spend time with, while HE is around.
I just wish she could find her own self worth.
Tomorrow my other best friend has to go to court for his pre-trial hearing, some of you may recall reading my past blogs about said friend, having shot and killed a man trying to come into his home, uninvited and threatening.
The courts will not allow his lawyers to argue the Castle law....but instead tried to make it out to be a love triangle or some such....
This was not the case, and my friend, as his trial draws near, in April, is beginning to feel the stress and worry.
Even as he deals with this issue, maybe being sent to prison, he has been there for me to lean on in my own time of struggle, he has listened to me and given me words of encouragment and has always helped me to see the best in myself. I will be going to court with him and supporting him thru this...even if it means sneaking into the ladies room to cry silently for the pain I feel over the way he is being treated and talked about.
It makes me feel that my own issues, while as stressful and worrisome to me personally, arent nearly as bad as some people have.
I love my friends and they love me...why cant we learn to love ourselves???
I have had an otherwise decent day.
Went to the tanning bed, on this oooohhhhh soooooo collldddd day.
I aint too sure about that.
But I stayed on calories and aside from aches and pains, and my foot hurting me....I am doing ok today.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Tired again tonight.
But resolved. To get back into it, my plan that is. Today, I just went ahead and made a cheat day...unintentionally, as is usually the case.
But, after the first cheesestick with lunch, I just said ok, this is how its gonna be???
And so, I had two more slices of pizza, and a burger and fries for dinner.
But that was all....I didnt do dessert, or go ALL OUT.
Of course, I still went over my calories and I am not beating myself up over it.
But I am resolved not to let it happen again...at least not for a good long while.
I look at it with ease.
I am ready.
While I still cannot walk...for exercise, I can ride my bike, and other forms and I will get it in and I will spark it when I do.
I feel good.
Going to turn in early again tonight and feel good about that as well.
It is time to get back to the way things were in January, before the injury and time to start seeing the numbers get lower on the scale.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Tired tonight, dont really know why. Havent done too much today, maybe that is why!!
Thinking after the Biggest Loser, and drying my hair, that I will turn in.
Maybe the rain from today, will continue on thru the night...and make for some dang good sleeping weather.
No deep indepth issues to discuss tonight. Only that I have decided Poltergeists or Gremlins must have stolen a whole bag of Tide Pods, as they are no where in my house to be found and I have looked high and low....
Have a good night.
Friday, March 15, 2013
So I went and had my blood work done Tuesday...and I find out that my vitamin d level had been 20.4.....yesterday it was 24...it should be at least 30, and higher....
So my doctor has once again put me on the vitamin d....50,000 units once a week, besides I am taking the one a day and a 400mg vitamin d daily.
And of course theres the milk, orange juice...and so on.
I sure do hope this helps my foot heal.
Even if I messed up last night and was on it for 5 hours, without the boot....I had it wrapped tightly and it didnt hurt so bad...and to be honest, I wasnt on it the whole 5 hours....
Today the sun is peaking thru....but rain is on the way.
Tomorrow I am cleaning house.
Really really cleaning house....
and I do look forward to days coming...sunny ones...hot, sweaty, tan legs...
I am so beyond ready for winter to be gone.
I havent been back on the scale...but just trying to stick with my calories and trying to get my water....
Exercise is still fleeting...but more than I have done in awhile and yes, I did dig my stretch bands out...chair exercises,,,,,
Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Today, I reset my goals. So to speak. I went in and changed my weight. As according to the scale, I have gained a few pounds.
This isnt a shock to me, but still disturbing on so many levels.
I finally woke up to the fact that I have been in self destruct mode for weeks now.
It has been 8 weeks since I broke my foot and slowly, I allowed it to creep into my psyche that I can slack...and use the foot as an excuse.
"Well, I cant walk afterall, and that is the only thing that worked for me"....this was my daily mantra....or....
"I have lost 70 lbs, eating this one snack cake/cheeseburger/beer/ice cream/so on and so on...cant hurt me that much"
I used phrases like this to justify my actions.
But that all stops today.
Gone are the nights going out for A BEER....that leads to six. and A BITE to eat, that leads to a loaded cheeseburger and waffle fries....Gone are the nights sitting on the couch thinking, ok, I can ride the bike and lift weights, etc, in a little while....and then it never happens.
These days are gone and I am thankful for the break thru.
I worked out two nights in a row and rode my bike for the first time, in awhile.
And it wasnt so bad....I had set it in my mind that walking was the only way for me to lose or maintain my weight loss...but I know that isnt true.
I can find other ways to lose....not just maintain, because apparently that is no longer working as I have gained.
So, today, as so many have been, is a new day...and its really a new start for me.
I have revamped my food, calories, etc...and I am going to start journaling again, daily.
These things I have allowed to slip away from me.
I cannot tell you how much I look forward to just water, protein, working out and staying home, to really reconnect with myself and YESSSSS I am going back to therapy.
I do need a good counselor, I just hope I can find one.
But this is something I have allowed to go for too long.
I have had so many bad days in the last 2 months....and really, even from September things have slowly been sliding in my life, walking really was the only thing that I could turn to...and when that was ripped away from me so abruptly, it was like what is left....?
But, I am climbing back up....
I am looking for positive affirmations and positive people in my life.
But mostly I am just looking forward.....
and I added some pics, in purple is one year ago and in pink was taken yesterday
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