SOFT_VAL67   80,330
SparkPoints
80,000-99,999 SparkPoints
 
 
SOFT_VAL67's Recent Blog Entries

hanging on and letting go

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Sometimes the best laid plans dont always work out. and sometimes we are reminded of things we would rather forget..but know that we never can or ever will forget.
Today my good friend, the one who had court yesterday, asked me to come to the walking track where he had brought his daughter and her friend to play at the playground nearby.
He said we can walk awhile...the way we used to.
But I had to tell him that I am still unable to walk.
But, I drove up by there, he wasnt there by the time I got there. But even just the drive up there was bittersweet.
The memories of better days...not just the walking days, but him coming to walk with me...even as he was dealing with his own demons and problems.
Coming to encourage me to keep at it, and even now, yesterday was his hearing and he thought of me today.
Then on the drive home, I was in such a good mood, despite the fact that I had to decline the walk, as I passed by my best friends house I seen her and her boyfriend, the cad, sitting on her front porch, drinking beer, which they had to raise into the air as I passed, as though they were toasting, maybe they were.
It angered me, recalling his recent hateful words about me and all of her friends, her son and herself, and yet there she sat with him..as though nothing had happened...and so I passed on by with a courtesy toot of the horn and was still determined to come home and get ready for a night out with friends...and was almost to the turnoff to my road, when I passed another old friend.
A friend I havent seen or spoken to since December...a friend who invokes painful thoughts and memories in my mind and tears at my heart.
A friend who I cherished and who lives so very close by and yet I cannot see them or talk to them or them to me....or they will not I guess.
For their own reasons, whatever they are.
But my mood changed on a dime.
I felt the feelings I had been letting go of, come rushing back and wondered why am I not good enough.
Why do I allow them still all these months later to make me feel like I am not good enough to even speak to???
I know its crazy to hang on to such feelings, and I hate that I do....if I had gotten home maybe 2 minutes earlier I would not have seen them and my night would have been as planned, happy.
But, I ended up feeling depressed and angry and wishing I could go back to December and see what I could have done differently.
And wishing I could walk.
Because after I got home and decided not to go out with my friends for the evening, I found myself very bored and lonely and wishing there was something to do. And I found myself wanting to eat!!! I wanted to eat junk and I was able to reason with myself enough not to binge...although I did drink two beers and even that made me feel worse, so I stopped at two, knowing all I was doing was digging myself deeper into a state of self loathing.
I didnt overeat....but I could have made better choices. White bread and bacon with mayo sandwich...wasnt exactly a healthy dinner.

The logical thing would have been to clean house, workout, read my book...but instead, I sat on my front porch, wondering if I would see them drive back by and wondering if they would see me and wondering why I give a damn!!!!
But, I let it go, came inside and watched a movie.
The nostaglia I think I felt from driving up to the walking track and the invitation from my friend to come walking...it all just took me back to a better time and made me realize, I cannot walk, I dont know when I will be able to walk and it pains me and then why did that chance passing on the roadway occur while all those painful thoughts were already inside me????
Why does anything happen?
People say they happen for a reason, crossing paths, whatever....
I wish I knew the answers to all the questions and I wish I didnt let little things like someone elses dislike for me ingrain itself into my heart and mind.
I wish I had an outlet for my anger and sadness and I wish even more that I didnt feel the anger or sadness.
But I sat here all evening, feeling this building up inside me and knowing I have to find a way to deal with it.
I have to let it go....
I want so badly to just let it go.....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARTY728 3/25/2013 12:58PM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
WEARINGTHIN 3/24/2013 5:10AM

    You had quite an emotional day. Hope you're doing better. Glenn

Report Inappropriate Comment
OBIESMOM2 3/24/2013 1:51AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
it's tough for me to let things go too. I'm getting better at it, so after all years of working on it at least now I know that EVENTUALLY I'll get there. I just have to do it on my own time.

I've written a couple of blogs about it
Life is too short to hold a grudge - Oct 20
Lessons learned (part 1) - Nov 12

have you ever read Stephen Covey's "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People"? That book changed my life. I had been working for YEARS trying to find help dealing with stress and anger. I would listen to self help tapes in my car all the time. I read probably 20 or 30 different books. I learned useful info from all of them, but I still would lose control more often than I liked.

I actually hyperventilated twice at work! I mean, bag over my nose and mouth, trying to calm down. I hated knowing that I was letting other people make me feel so CRAZY.

Then I lucked into The 7 Habits. It was like the heavens opened, the clouds parted, and the sun broke through. I bought an audio copy and listened to it several times to get a better grasp of the info. I still keep it in my car. When I feel myself slipping back to my old ways, I pop in that CD for a refresher.

I hope you find something that helps you. Trust me, it IS out there. Just keep trying!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


friends and support

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Today I heard my best friend cry over the man shes chosen to be with. Her pain told me what I have suspected all along, shes so unhappy with her life, that maybe hanging on to him lets her focus her pain on him, and the problems he brings into her life, and off of her own personal issues.
The fact that her biological dad just died and left her his estate, such as it was, to deal with and his funeral to pay for.
A man who had never had anything to do with her or her sister for her whole life.
She has obvious self esteem problems, referring to herself as not pretty and not thin...which bugs the pure hell out of me, cause shes at least 60 pounds thinner than myself.
and in all my years, thin, heavy, and the last year, not as heavy.....never once did I ever refer to myself as not pretty.
It pains me to see her feeling the way she does about herself, while at the same time encouraging me and telling everyone how proud she is of me.
And, yes she is the same friend I had recently chose not to spend time with, while HE is around.
I just wish she could find her own self worth.
Tomorrow my other best friend has to go to court for his pre-trial hearing, some of you may recall reading my past blogs about said friend, having shot and killed a man trying to come into his home, uninvited and threatening.
The courts will not allow his lawyers to argue the Castle law....but instead tried to make it out to be a love triangle or some such....
This was not the case, and my friend, as his trial draws near, in April, is beginning to feel the stress and worry.

Even as he deals with this issue, maybe being sent to prison, he has been there for me to lean on in my own time of struggle, he has listened to me and given me words of encouragment and has always helped me to see the best in myself. I will be going to court with him and supporting him thru this...even if it means sneaking into the ladies room to cry silently for the pain I feel over the way he is being treated and talked about.
It makes me feel that my own issues, while as stressful and worrisome to me personally, arent nearly as bad as some people have.
I love my friends and they love me...why cant we learn to love ourselves???
I have had an otherwise decent day.
Went to the tanning bed, on this oooohhhhh soooooo collldddd day.
Spring????
I aint too sure about that.
But I stayed on calories and aside from aches and pains, and my foot hurting me....I am doing ok today.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LADYFROMTHEWOOD 3/22/2013 9:22AM

    "I love my friends and they love me...why cant we learn to love ourselves??? "

GREAT insight!

Sometimes it takes seeing a mess in someone else's life to show us that we have our own messes to clean up and that no one but us can do it. And sometimes it takes seeing self-love and victorious living in someone else's life to make us want that for ourselves.

Report Inappropriate Comment
CAPECODBABE 3/22/2013 8:53AM

    Loving ourselves is a never ending battle.

You are a great friend

Report Inappropriate Comment
JO88BAKO 3/21/2013 10:44PM

    Your plate is full and running over. You are a good friend which I'm sure your friends appreciate. Good luck

Report Inappropriate Comment


its time, i feel it...

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Tired again tonight.
But resolved. To get back into it, my plan that is. Today, I just went ahead and made a cheat day...unintentionally, as is usually the case.
But, after the first cheesestick with lunch, I just said ok, this is how its gonna be???
And so, I had two more slices of pizza, and a burger and fries for dinner.
But that was all....I didnt do dessert, or go ALL OUT.
Of course, I still went over my calories and I am not beating myself up over it.
But I am resolved not to let it happen again...at least not for a good long while.
I look at it with ease.
I am ready.
While I still cannot walk...for exercise, I can ride my bike, and other forms and I will get it in and I will spark it when I do.
I feel good.
Going to turn in early again tonight and feel good about that as well.
It is time to get back to the way things were in January, before the injury and time to start seeing the numbers get lower on the scale.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAPECODBABE 3/21/2013 8:56AM

    When I read the title of your blog,
I thought it meant you felt it was time to start walking on your foot again.

We all have those cheat days...

Sometimes realizing it's time to get serious again is all you need.

Stay strong

Report Inappropriate Comment


short and sluggish

Monday, March 18, 2013

Tired tonight, dont really know why. Havent done too much today, maybe that is why!!
Thinking after the Biggest Loser, and drying my hair, that I will turn in.
Maybe the rain from today, will continue on thru the night...and make for some dang good sleeping weather.
No deep indepth issues to discuss tonight. Only that I have decided Poltergeists or Gremlins must have stolen a whole bag of Tide Pods, as they are no where in my house to be found and I have looked high and low....
Have a good night.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LADYFROMTHEWOOD 3/19/2013 8:07AM

    Here's hoping you find your pods. Those things are too expensive!
Looks like a sunny day today, but chilly. A hot cup of coffee and later a work-out should warm things up. Have a GREAT day today!

Report Inappropriate Comment
CAPECODBABE 3/18/2013 8:57PM

    I hate those poltergeists and gremlins LOL

Report Inappropriate Comment


vitamin d...come hither!!

Friday, March 15, 2013

So I went and had my blood work done Tuesday...and I find out that my vitamin d level had been 20.4.....yesterday it was 24...it should be at least 30, and higher....
So my doctor has once again put me on the vitamin d....50,000 units once a week, besides I am taking the one a day and a 400mg vitamin d daily.
And of course theres the milk, orange juice...and so on.
I sure do hope this helps my foot heal.
Even if I messed up last night and was on it for 5 hours, without the boot....I had it wrapped tightly and it didnt hurt so bad...and to be honest, I wasnt on it the whole 5 hours....
Today the sun is peaking thru....but rain is on the way.
Tomorrow I am cleaning house.
Really really cleaning house....
and I do look forward to days coming...sunny ones...hot, sweaty, tan legs...
I am so beyond ready for winter to be gone.
I havent been back on the scale...but just trying to stick with my calories and trying to get my water....
Exercise is still fleeting...but more than I have done in awhile and yes, I did dig my stretch bands out...chair exercises,,,,,
Hope everyone has a good weekend.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALWAYSROSY 3/15/2013 10:19AM

    Ya . . . the Vit D . . . never enough. Mine stays in the dumps too if I don't keep up with the supplements.

Read some good resources about the RX Vit D (usually D2) vs. the daily D3. Confuses me - but I see you are doing both too . . . so we should be covered.

My doctor was shocked to find out that his written RX for D3 became D2 via the pharmacist.

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 Last Page