Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Today, I reset my goals. So to speak. I went in and changed my weight. As according to the scale, I have gained a few pounds.
This isnt a shock to me, but still disturbing on so many levels.
I finally woke up to the fact that I have been in self destruct mode for weeks now.
It has been 8 weeks since I broke my foot and slowly, I allowed it to creep into my psyche that I can slack...and use the foot as an excuse.
"Well, I cant walk afterall, and that is the only thing that worked for me"....this was my daily mantra....or....
"I have lost 70 lbs, eating this one snack cake/cheeseburger/beer/ice cream/so on and so on...cant hurt me that much"
I used phrases like this to justify my actions.
But that all stops today.
Gone are the nights going out for A BEER....that leads to six. and A BITE to eat, that leads to a loaded cheeseburger and waffle fries....Gone are the nights sitting on the couch thinking, ok, I can ride the bike and lift weights, etc, in a little while....and then it never happens.
These days are gone and I am thankful for the break thru.
I worked out two nights in a row and rode my bike for the first time, in awhile.
And it wasnt so bad....I had set it in my mind that walking was the only way for me to lose or maintain my weight loss...but I know that isnt true.
I can find other ways to lose....not just maintain, because apparently that is no longer working as I have gained.
So, today, as so many have been, is a new day...and its really a new start for me.
I have revamped my food, calories, etc...and I am going to start journaling again, daily.
These things I have allowed to slip away from me.
I cannot tell you how much I look forward to just water, protein, working out and staying home, to really reconnect with myself and YESSSSS I am going back to therapy.
I do need a good counselor, I just hope I can find one.
But this is something I have allowed to go for too long.
I have had so many bad days in the last 2 months....and really, even from September things have slowly been sliding in my life, walking really was the only thing that I could turn to...and when that was ripped away from me so abruptly, it was like what is left....?
But, I am climbing back up....
I am looking for positive affirmations and positive people in my life.
But mostly I am just looking forward.....
and I added some pics, in purple is one year ago and in pink was taken yesterday
Sunday, March 03, 2013
The last 2 months havent been easy ones for me...days dragging by, cold winter and rain and wind and of course, as stated, the broken foot keeping me from the walking track, has left me depressed.
Friends try so hard to lift my spirits and most of the time, they do and most of the time I am in an almost happy state of mind.
Maybe its just fear of the unknown that has kept me so scared and so worried.
But little by little I chip away at the burdens I have been carrying and I release them...it feels good to have a little bit of it gone from my mind and heart.
I have such a long road ahead of me.
Stress fracture is what the doctor called my break...well, he doesnt know about stress fractures!!!!
So, its time to man up and just face things head on...no more worrying about what lurks behind doorways or what I will find in a week, a month or a year...but time to just get myself on track.
Back to working out and really really working out.
Back to getting back!!!
These are not new words or concepts to me, and I cannot count the times since Dec that I have repeated them...but I take solice in the fact that, I have stuck to the idea of it.
The idea of continuing to lose weight, which I have.
I am down a total of 71 pounds since May 24 2012.
I had hoped to make the 100 lb mark by the 1 year anniversary.
With 11 or so weeks to go til then, hmmmm, I am not sure if that is going to happen....I guess its possible and under other circumstances where I could still walk daily for exercise and my metabolism was in burn mode and I was eating fewer calories...ok, I know, excuses...
So, no more excuses, this is just one more road block along the journey.
This too shall pass and I know I will make my goal, I might not make the date, but eventually I will make the goal.
Today is a lazy cold snowy Sunday, I have chops and beans cooking in the crock pot and am going to the tanning bed, the doc told me to continue with the higher doses of vitamin D and of course, I decided to add the tanning bed, maybe for the added sunlight and maybe to help my depression or at least maybe give me a little tan for when they send me to the looney bin...
sorry poor joke, I know.
The walking dead tonight, housecleaning and reading my Game of Thrones book and a long hot bath later....makes one a little happier, I hope.
Friday, March 01, 2013
The ortho doc told me today that my foot isnt healing as quickly or as it should. The little piece of bone that is broken away, isnt reattaching itself back to the foot as quickly as it should.
He says this might have to do with my vitamin d defiency. No walking for at least 6 more weeks and light to moderate walking of any kind.
I am on a super high dose, once a week. I have to go another six week wearing the boot and staying off of it and taking the high dose of vitamin d.
But it wasnt all bad...I lost 3 lbs.
And that is a good thing, I am happy about that.
I decided right then and there thats its time to get back into a daily workout.
I CANNOT WALK and so its time to stop feeling bad about not being able to walk and just find another way to get my fitness.
I have had a really rough few days, but not getting into the details, just saying, stress and lack of sleep and high bp sent me to the ER yesterday.
My bp was 166/110 and they gave me a sleeping/nerve pill and told me to go home get some rest, which I really needed and then...see my family doc about some meds for my nerves.
Oh well, I came home and went to bed and took my bp later, it was down, but my heart still racing away.
Feel a little better today, and hoping tonight to get that added sleep I know I need.
I came back to the blog tonight to make a change....goals for March.
I have seen this alot tonight on blogs and decided to add a few of my own.
To get into the new jeans I bought today....by the end of March for sure.
To enjoy every single moment of sunshine and warm temps in the month.
To increase my vitamin d level and lay in the tanning bed to get the added light I am missing from the sun!!
To drink my water, eat more veggies, keep up my protein and cut back on sodium and keep my bp under control.
To exercise everyday, in some form or fashion...the bike, the stretch bands, the weights, squats, crunches...etc. EVERYDAY!!! NO EXCUSES.
To stay off my foot as much as possible and wear the boot everytime I go out of the house.
And to take care of myself...to find ways to relieve and release stress....to not carry around burdens and to realize I have control over who and what causes me stress and pain...and to eliminate it.
And to finish the first two books in the Game of Thrones series....
as for weight...my goal is to lose 9 pounds this month...but I will settle for 6...and not stress over it.
Hoping everyone has a good weekend and stays on track.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Feeling so much better today. Although lately it seems I spend more time waking up and tossing than I do sleeping.
This started about a week ago. Maybe too much on my mind.
So, while I am a little sleepy this morning, I am actually feeling pretty good.
Hydrated well yesterday and did some housework.
Got a little sunlight, but the wind is still so bad, it seems that whenever we have any kind of sunny day, it is accompanied by high or cold winds.
Maybe soon we will get all sun.
I know I will be complaining, but maybe I will remember the cold and bitter wind and be more appreciating.
Decisions...I have a few that the answers came mighty easily. Such as, no more drinking.
And sadly that may mean staying away from my friend more.
I sure hope she works out her problems whatever they are...but I cannot be her drinking buddy.
Getting back to exercise, lifting weights and riding my bike.
Going back to foot doc on Friday....really hoping for good news. I know I am not ready to go back to the track 2 hours a day. But once or twice a week for 20 or 30 minutes, if the doctor allows.
And if not, more healing and getting healthy.
Going to make an appointment for some counseling, even though, I hate the thoughts of going to someone new, as my last counselor left, she was so much more relateable for me.
But no matter what else happens, I go into this day knowing I am going to make the right choices for today.
I am going to work out and clean my house and read and drink water and ride my bike and if the wind isnt bad, I might get outside, clean out my car.
And start looking for a part time job, something to just keep me occupied and busy and out of the house a couple of days a week.
This will probably be the most helpful thing for me.
No more idle time sitting around bored or lonely or depressed.
Onward and Upward....and tomorrow is weigh in day!!!
Onward and upward.
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
Today, I was feeling so so good. In fact I can remember how I had planned to tell my best friend, when she joined me on the walking track how great the day had been so far.
The depressed mood I have been in had begun to lift a little and I was so enjoying my walk in the sunshine.
Listening to upbeat music and having had my protein shake...I walked about 45 minutes when my friend joined me on her lunch break.
We began talking about the Bama/ND football game, by the way...Wayta go Bama!!!
When on our very first lap around the track together, I felt a tenderness to my foot....just a burning of sorts and the very next step I took...KAPOWWWW....A loud pop could be heard, and felt....and I was so lucky to even make it the 30 or 40 feet back to my car.
And since my friend had to go back to work...I drove myself home, barely able to climb the stairs to my front porch and woke honey to come help me...I didnt want him to have to miss a shift of work and ((a huge chunk of his paycheck))....I had my good friend Amy come and drive me to the doctor...where after about 2 hours, and an xray, I learned I have a stress fracture in my left foot...and a pretty bad one apparently.
She showed me the xray and not that I can really understand what I am looking at, I was informed that one piece of bone is totally broken apart from the rest of the bone.
Needless to say, I am in alot of pain. They gave me crutches and a boot and told me to stay off the foot as much as possible.
They said they will call tomorrow with a referral.
Now, the pain is bad but the depression is worse.
Here I was really beginning to feel this mood lift and to feel myself begin to allow in some happiness.
I just wish I could walk. I am blue again.
I have never put alot of stock into superstitions and such, but I am beginning to wonder what bad luck has befallen me.
Not only all of this, but I have some problems with my computer and have two different guys saying they will come work on it for me, and yet....where are they???
Cant seem to get either one of them to commit to a time or price.
Dont these people do this for a living???
I guess maybe they are afraid to come to my house for fear my bad black cat number 13 walk under a ladder bad luck will rub off on them!!!!
So, the only positive I can find is that maybe I can read a few books, maybe watch some new tv shows and maybe get back to lifting weights more.
But I am very saddened over this....walking is my thing.
Hobbling to the kitchen for a bottle of water and down the hallway to the bathroom has been tons of fun this evening.
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