Saturday, November 17, 2012
"""I never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters"""...Metallica
I was walking today, and this song came on my playlist, and I never had really listened to it as intently as I did today.
When I walk, the music I hear plays a big role in my mood for the day, somedays, and lately it seems to be more dark, brooding, intense focusing music.
To dig down deep into my psyche and soul and search for what it is I need to release.
But today this song came on, and all the thoughts running thru my head, about life, about bad feelings, whatever it was....drifted up and out of me and away, floated up into the atmosphere, and I really heard this song.
The reason I was walking, the reason I always walk, the reason I have walked every day and the reason I eat healthy now and try to keep my mind focused on this Spark Life, is FOR ME, AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.
I am doing this, healthy living, changes, to prolong my life, to be healthy, to lose weight, to try to live a better life than I did for the first 44 years of my life.
The future, and nothing else matters.
I am not doing it for anyone, although, I do want to be around for my son, and maybe when he ever gets married and has kids, for that family too.
I want to be able to grow old, and do it a little more healthy than I might have before.
And nothing else matters.
People who come and go from our lives, the ones who go, let them if they must.
Dont try to hold them.
They have their reasons for needing to go.
The jobs we lose, the friends who move on, the relationships that mold us, for good or for bad.
The memories, both good and bad, the ones we long to dream about and the ones we dread to even think about.
They will be with us thru time, if our minds stay sharpe. Nothing we can do about that.
Learn from the mistake and choose your battles.
Today, I decided, that I am the most important thing, my weight loss, my health, my good feelings and thoughts and the people I love, who also love me.
And nothing else matters.
Today, I was just really thinking about my son and the words they use in NA, JUST FOR TODAY.
Because I have been so focused on next Wed and my docs appt and hoping the scale will be where I want it to be.
But after hearing that song and deciding, right now, this walk, this hour, on the walking track, burning calories and soaking up the sun and listening to music and thinking and letting go of bad feelings and holding on to the good ones....that moment, was all that mattered.
I will get thru this day and I will have it made.
Then tomorrow, I will do it all over again.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Yes, I can now say it, weigh in day has come and I have lost 51 pounds, since May 24th.
I began recording my weight more closely on that day, when I had gone to the doctor and had reached an all time high weight.
I had gained back about 15 pounds that I had lost over the winter from last October.
And had discussed once again the possibility of going back to the bariatric surgeon.
But I went home that day and decided now is the time to take control of my life, and of myself.
And so the story continues.
I am no where even close to my final goal weight. Which seems to fluctuate, I was asked recently if I could reach any weight I wanted what would it be....well, before I might have said 115.
That seems like a good number for me.
Then maybe I would have been a little more realistic and said 135....which, by the way, isnt out of the question yet.
But right now, I will say to lose another pound, another day of working hard and focusing on health and good food choices.
I dont have any grand number in my head right now.
I really do jump back and forth on the numbers.
People come up to me all the time and say, how much weight have you lost...It is still almost hard to believe when it comes out of my mouth.
Even when it was 11 pounds
or 28 pounds....it just sounded bizarre!!!
But I keep walking. I have decided the cold and wind and rain and ice and snow and sleet will sideline me, but not kick me out of the game.
I am bringing the old treadmill back to the spare bedroom and will use it if need be.
I hate that thing and I hate walking inside because part of my love of walking has gotten to be the fact that I am outdoors, and even on cool chilly days, I WALK.
I had allowed myself to begin to become depressed over the cold weather coming and was so dreading having to stay inside and not be able to walk.
But I finally told myself, its just a speedbump...its just stumbling block, its not a wall, and you can get around it and over it.
So, I am feeling pretty good, I will finally be forced to get onward with my weights and toning and learning some new ab workouts which I really need.
The little changes are the wildest....looking at pics of myself from a few months ago, with double chin mania....haha, now I see pics of myself and there is a neck there, there is my shoulders you can see.....
I have an old pair of knit pants I wear around the house and now the crotch hangs to my knees, I cant keep them up....they are going into the trash.
I can cross my legs....well, still a little bit, but when you have short short legs, its still hard to do.
I no longer fear going into most restaurants, not that I go into that many, but I dont fear being in a booth so tight I cant breath and am laying on the table.
Just these little things.
Here is something I wanted to share with all....my son who I have talked about is in NA.
Some of you may know their mantra....JUST FOR TODAY. I have adopted that for myself, even though drugs arent my addiction.
But he has inspired me so much to get off my addiction and take charge of my own destiny.
I no longer dread any day. I dread parts of it....and sometimes the day can take a swift turn in seconds from good to bad or bad to good.
But I live each day now for today.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Today was an average day, with the exception of a headache from hell and the persistent dry hacking annoying cough, that wont go away!!
Right at this moment, I dont seem to be coughing. But I am refusing to take anything for it, last night I took Nyquil, went to bed at 9pm and slept very well, for about four hours, got up, coughing, and took another dose....big mistake!!!
Not only did I sleep about 8 more hours, restless, cough filled sleep, I have had a dang hangover headache all day.
So, I went to the walking track and Subway and I have drank my water.
But the headache still lingers, somewhere right in the back of my head into my neck.
And yet, the cough is still in there, deep down in my chest.
I know around bedtime, it will make an ugly reappearance.
So, this might be a respitory infection. If its still lingering around by Monday, I am off to the doctor.
Other than that, its just another typical lonely, boring, mundane, nothing to do, please someone slap me kind of Saturday night, when honey works, and even if he was home, it would still be boring as hell and what do we do???
There is no place to go around here, the streets close up at 9 pm and unless you drive the 25 miles to the next town, you are pretty much out of luck to find anything to do.
Unless you ride four wheelers or something, and I dont.
So, passing my friends house today coming back from walking, I see her and her man on the porch, drinking beer, which they held up as some sort of salute or maybe in their minds, some sort of temptation to me.
Isnt happeneing, I have sworn off the beer for a good long time to come.
So maybe I will find a book to read, watch some boring already seen tv show, or go to bed.
this is the life!!!
Thursday, November 08, 2012
Yesterday I wrote that today, I would blog about thankfulness. Then the day came and I had a real hard time figuring out if it was the right time for it.
Today in our community...the coalmining community, and right here at home. Right around 200 men were laid off. Not all at one operation, but several.
This doesnt just include coalminers, but tipple workers, those who work the load outs and the train cars, etc.
Truck drivers who haul the coal from the mine to the tipple.
Along with mechanics, etc.
It is a trickle down effect, and the trickling down hasnt even begun.
This area is served by coalminers....what I mean is...coalminers, and their families, spend their money in local stores, go to movies, eat out, shop, shop online, etc.
When these men are laid off, and drawing unemployment....the basic necessities are barely met.
There is no wiggle room for spending frivilously or for entertainment, etc.
This in turn hurts the local shops. Hair and nail salons.
Dads are home now, so no need for daycare or a sitter.
You see where I am going.
It is all just a rolling rock down hill, taking out so many others as it rolls.
And so so so many other businesses work directly with coal companies....diesel and tire sales...etc.
I personally know a few of these men and their wives. I know it bothers me a great deal that the way I see it is that this is just a down turn in the coal market and that eventually, hopefully it will pick up again.
So far honey is still working and I am just keeping up hope that he will continue to be.
I do have things to be thankful for.
But I will save that for a later date.
Right now, I am just trying to rid myself of this horrendous cough.
I am no longer sick, however, I believe I might have made a mistake walking in the chilly air the last couple of days.
As my right ear is clogged and popping......I cant rid myself of this dry hacking cough.
The vaporizer has been working overtime and the house smells of vicks.
But still I hack on.
I feel good, I walked an hour today and maybe I didnt get my veggies, but I got my water and I got my protein and I had an ok day.
Trying.....struggling to make sense of the coal companies decision to do this right before the holidays.
I do believe it is politcal power play to run up the demand for coal and set the price in the market.
But I am no expert in these things.
Me and my son are going to soon come to blows over the use of the home computer.
So, today I had planned to buy a laptop.
Maybe tomorrow, if the dry hacking is gone and I feel more secure about spending a little money.
Hope everyone is having a good night.
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
Yes, this is my second blog today. But I had to share something that happened to me today.
I went into my local convience store to pick up a lottery ticket and a bottle of water.
And there was a man there talking to the women behind the counter, and I picked up on the conversation was about colder weather.
The girl behind the counter was saying she couldnt stand hot weather "because big girls and heat dont mix"....now, I know the lady and she is a good person, I know she didnt mean anything mean, cause we are friends and shes cool.
But, she looked at me and said aint that right?
I said, "what"?
She said, that big girls and heat dont mix....I kinda just stood there thinking about how to answer....when the man said..."what are you asking her for, shes not a big girl"...hahahaha
I was avenged!!!!
I said THATS RIGHT!!!...well, at least not AS big as I was 6 months ago.
Today, it is official, I have reached the 50 pound lost mark.
I am not going to change my weight on here, as it isnt my official weigh in day.
That is a full six days away.
I might come to regret this decision. Because what happens if in the next 6 days I gain back the 2 lbs I needed to make it to 50 pounds gone????
Well, I sure hope that doesnt happen.
The weather is supposed to pick up some warmth and maybe I will be able to amp up my walks this week.
Doing two a days instead of one.
Either way, for a few hours I have been able to say that I LOST 50 FREAKIN POUNDS!!!!
And who knows, if I keep working hard and keep trying this week, I might be able to say its OVER 50....
thanks friends......tomorrow I plan to blog about Thanksgiving and how I truly feel like giving thanks this year, and it doesnt involve stuffing or any sweet cakes.
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