Friday, October 12, 2012
Got on the walking track today, cold and shivery, but I was there. The walking pants I bought were just way too long and cumbersome, so they will be taken back, if it has to be sweats, then I am searching for a pair of mens with no elastic in the bottom of the leg.
And until then, I guess when its not too cold I will wear my capri and when it is, my jeans.
I hate walking in jeans!!!
And today I have eaten....and eaten and eaten.
I know I went over my calories by a long long mile. But, I cant unring a bell....just dont know what was up with me....
But the weather is supposed to take a turn back toward the warm and so I will be walking tomorrow and maybe I can get it all back under control.
I didnt necessarily eat anything too calorie heavy...but I did just overeat today.
And no it isnt emotional, I am doing just fine...the little problem I had blogged about has been resolved, the friendship is not on solid ground, but is on alot sturdier ground.
Maybe it was boredom, I had absolutely nothing at all to do this evening.
I did dishes and laundry and then pretty much set staring off into the great horizon, thinking, meditation maybe....but still bored.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Today was a pretty good day. I didnt get enough sleep, but I talked to several good friends today, who are also working thru issues and one of them told me that some words I sent him in a text yesterday helped empower him to stand up to his boss...(ie dad)...who had him so dysfunctional that he was beginning to get panic attacks....had gone to the doctor and was going onto medication.
I didnt meant to get involved in a family/work issue, but, yesterday, entirely out of the blue...knowing he had been dealing with some issues, I sent him a text, telling him that I had extreme confidence in him and that I seen him as a power force to be reckoned with and not the scared little kid he thought others saw him as, as the bosses son.
I told him I believed in him.
Today, he texted me and told me that gave him the confidence he needed to confront his dad about work issues that were giving him these health issues.
He and his dad agreed that he should step back from running one area of the business until he gets help for his panic disorder and until his dad can give him the trust he needs.
That made me feel really good, to know that just a simple text message telling someone how much they are worth in my eyes, helped him so much.
I also spoke to another friend today, the one who I felt had wronged me and who I felt had turned their back on me, and as it turns out, they really have just been dealing with stressors and family issues and work, etc.
I did get a chance to tell them that I thought their treatment of me had been unnecessary, since, if nothing else, they could have simply stopped me on the road or flagged me over or stopped at my home and told me what was really going on, instead of making me feel like a pest and a loser and a thorn in their side.
That issue is still a little rough, but is getting smoothed out and I am glad, I do not like feeling as if I have wronged anyone or been wronged by anyone.
After our talk, I went to the walking track, where I walked and allowed myself to let the words sink in and decided to forgive and forget and move on and just try to work on my own health/weight and family issues without allowing anything to make my struggle harder.
I went today to walmart and bought some danskin workout or walking pants...not in love.
They do fit, a size smaller than I typically wear, but they are way too long, and wide legged.
What is up with that????
I mean, if I am gonna be wearing them out on cold mornings, I sure dont want something the wind can pick up and blow up my legs.
I do think they will have to be hemmed and taken in a little or just returned....maybe I will just have to settle for sweats, which I do not like in the least.
Maybe if I can find some of the mens straight leg sweats and not the kind with elastic in the bottom.
Then Subway turkey sub.
Then 3 hours with the cable men here working on my cable/internet, only they didnt even come to the door when they were done to ask if it was working.
Hmmm, maybe they could hear the clicking of my keyboard.
Hoping everyone had a nice day...with the exception of a few minor glitches, this has been about the best day I have had in 2 or 3 weeks.
Tuesday, October 09, 2012
I got on the scale this morning and found that the plateau I have been experiencing, is over.
I lost another 2 pounds. And I was so happy with this discovery that I allowed myself an extra 15 minutes on the walking track.
But it was no great sacrifice, As the cool morning air picked up my wings!!
I do feel good today.
Despite 2 hours of jawbreaking dental work yesterday. And unpleasant sightings on my way to the walking track.
But, it only stayed in my head about a millisecond and then I got to stepping....listening to my oldies and my hard rockers and even a country boy or girl...and I felt good.
No one is gonna break me or bring me down today.
I own this.
So today it is official....I have lost a total of 40 pounds since May 24th.
I love that number....now, I need to just keep working hard, revamp my game plan and really start toning and keep up the strength training.
I am sleeping well, my anxiety or anger or whatever it was I thought I was going to have to deal with, fizzled out and was replaced by pure happiness for ME.
That no matter who others might treat me or think of me, I am worth way more to myself and others.
Tomorrow my son goes to take a dna test to find out if he is the father of a 15 month old little girl.
And we only found out about this in May...so, it may take a couple of weeks....but I kinda hope he is the daddy.
Time will tell.
Thursday, October 04, 2012
So this is my second blog today and I know I wont get the points for it, its still all good.
I am so angry with myself tonight and as usual, I know my decisions lately have been ill conceived, ill advised, whatever you want to call them.
While I walk and do my strength training as much as I can, my other, mostly food, choices are so questionable its pitiful!!!
I had a decent walk this morning, followed by protein of eggs, and then a light lunch of beans and a slice of lean pork...not too bad.
Then I went to visit a friend, for what I thought would probably turn out to be an hour of just visiting, but turned into a three hour beer drinking session....while I think I drank 6 to her 6...I got pretty hammered and with bad thoughts of other bad decisions dancing in my head, I have just decided I am going to write today, heck, maybe the whole week off as a loss.
My other best friend goes for his pretrial conference hearing tomorrow morning, at 930 am, I have been asked, by him, to attend, And I totally plan on doing so.
But there are a hundred other places I would rather be....getting a pap smear, getting a root canal, having tires put on my 18 wheeler....(just joking)....but he is my friend and he is going thru enough stress without me being selfish.
So, I will try to pick myself up from a possible, although, hope not, hangover, and go walking for an hour in the morning, before driving the 20 miles to the courthouse to be there to show him support.
And smile on cue!!!
Then I plan, and not just plan, but WILL will myself to make some very long overdue changes.
Like really really increasing my strength and really pushing harder, and really increasing my protein, again, and making sure I get my water and veggies and no alcohol.
I have to take control of my own life and decisions and I am ready to stop giving my power away.
Monday, October 01, 2012
Distractions....once again overwhelm me. I feel bad, really sick, its like I am missing a part of myself or something. That feeling you get when you are maybe 13 or so and have your first crush on someone, then you see them talking to someone else....remember that feeling??
Like the world is crumbling around you and you will never recover?
I dont know why I am feeling this way, or what brought it on....the possible loss of a good friend???
Not getting on the walking track today and just feeling an overall feeling of crappiness!!!
Could it be the change of life these old women tell me about???
I mean, I am only 45....still having a pretty regular cycle, but maybe thats it.
Maybe could be the upcoming move and the fact that now we are seriously discussing waiting, which makes me giddy and nervous all at the same time.
Or, a lack of good quality sleep, or the fact that I turned 45 yesterday.
Well, whatever it is, I do not know, but, I know, I feel really bad and hope to get to feeling back to normal soon.
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