Thursday, October 04, 2012
So this is my second blog today and I know I wont get the points for it, its still all good.
I am so angry with myself tonight and as usual, I know my decisions lately have been ill conceived, ill advised, whatever you want to call them.
While I walk and do my strength training as much as I can, my other, mostly food, choices are so questionable its pitiful!!!
I had a decent walk this morning, followed by protein of eggs, and then a light lunch of beans and a slice of lean pork...not too bad.
Then I went to visit a friend, for what I thought would probably turn out to be an hour of just visiting, but turned into a three hour beer drinking session....while I think I drank 6 to her 6...I got pretty hammered and with bad thoughts of other bad decisions dancing in my head, I have just decided I am going to write today, heck, maybe the whole week off as a loss.
My other best friend goes for his pretrial conference hearing tomorrow morning, at 930 am, I have been asked, by him, to attend, And I totally plan on doing so.
But there are a hundred other places I would rather be....getting a pap smear, getting a root canal, having tires put on my 18 wheeler....(just joking)....but he is my friend and he is going thru enough stress without me being selfish.
So, I will try to pick myself up from a possible, although, hope not, hangover, and go walking for an hour in the morning, before driving the 20 miles to the courthouse to be there to show him support.
And smile on cue!!!
Then I plan, and not just plan, but WILL will myself to make some very long overdue changes.
Like really really increasing my strength and really pushing harder, and really increasing my protein, again, and making sure I get my water and veggies and no alcohol.
I have to take control of my own life and decisions and I am ready to stop giving my power away.
Monday, October 01, 2012
Distractions....once again overwhelm me. I feel bad, really sick, its like I am missing a part of myself or something. That feeling you get when you are maybe 13 or so and have your first crush on someone, then you see them talking to someone else....remember that feeling??
Like the world is crumbling around you and you will never recover?
I dont know why I am feeling this way, or what brought it on....the possible loss of a good friend???
Not getting on the walking track today and just feeling an overall feeling of crappiness!!!
Could it be the change of life these old women tell me about???
I mean, I am only 45....still having a pretty regular cycle, but maybe thats it.
Maybe could be the upcoming move and the fact that now we are seriously discussing waiting, which makes me giddy and nervous all at the same time.
Or, a lack of good quality sleep, or the fact that I turned 45 yesterday.
Well, whatever it is, I do not know, but, I know, I feel really bad and hope to get to feeling back to normal soon.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Whatever forces are at work in the universe, they did a big turn about for me, and today when I got on the scale, it was exactly my goal weight for my birthday!!!
I had surely thought I was going to be off by at least a pound, but maybe increasing my cardio the last few days made that little bit of difference.
I cant say today was the best birthday, not by far. Still dealing with alot of stress and worry, but knowing that I am doing my best has helped me.
I treated myself to an extra 15 minutes on the walking track this morning, and was pleasantly surprised when my best friend showed up with my pink camoflauge coffee cup for my gift.
She loves me this I know. When all others let me down, and even after our little crazieness at the bar last week, I know I can always depend on her.
I got around 100 birthday wishes on Facebook, and while I know FB prompts us to say HBDAY to our friends, it was still nice and made me feel pretty good.
So, I have not had the best, and not had the worst birthday either.
I am just going to be thankful for the fact that I reached my goal, and that honey cleaned my kitchen and bathroom and that I have good friends who love me.
And for SP and all of you!!!
Friday, September 28, 2012
So, Sunday is my birthday. One of those days with strange and unusual numbers attached...45.
I dont really feel that age. I wonder if there is a feeling to age? I know when I turned 30, I thought it would be a tremondous let down...but, my brother had been killed in a car accident only 9 days prior. So, I didnt really have time to feel blue for myself.
But I do remember taking 31 pretty hard.
And as I recall, 44 was no walk in the park.....But then...I began to WALK IN THE PARK....and so...45 doesnt feel too bad.
I actually feel pretty good.
Even though, my goal for my birthday was to have lost 10 pounds for the month. Not a big number to ask for....and while at one point, I had actually reached that goal, with time to spare.
The last week, the scale has inched its way back up and so now with only one day left, I have missed the goal by about a pound and a half.
But I am not looking at it as I came up short, I am looking at it as I lost 8 lbs.
And I am well aware its time to really amp up my workouts. I have this friend who is an ex-green beret and I have been begging him to come work with me, to teach me some good hard core CORE and muscle toning exercises.
He wont do it. I guess he knows I am really not physically at that point and I guess he doenst want to see me kill over. haha....
But he says he can give me some to try, to learn on my own.
What would be so freakin awesome, would be if I woke up and my big fat flubby lubby wubby stomach was flat......ah, it is my birthday and I should get to have one nice moment of unreality.
So, 45 isnt a sad number, or a bad number its just a number.
Now, 45 pounds is a great number and I only have about 9 more to go to make that number a reality....maybe that will be my goal for October.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Today I have just really been super distracted. I had a good morning walk and have stayed pretty well within calorie range. But I just havent had time or the mental fortitude to get on here and Spark.
I am super duper distracted. Yesterday I spent some time with my dear friend....the one I have blogged about in the past, for those who regularly read, the one who has this upcoming trial.
And that trial is now one week away. I am scared for him and for my mental ability to handle the stress if he is found guilty.
He is holding onto a piece of my heart right now and I cant focus on other issues.
Like the fact that my scale hasnt moved all week, despite the fact, I have walked daily and stayed on calorie range.
But there are alot of other issues floating out around me right now.
Home life is stressful right now as I have blogged about.
But I am getting back into the weight and strength training more and starting to look into some new toning exercises.
I hope everyone knows how much I appreciate their encouragement and good thoughts.
I promise to try to touch base with as many as I can on a personal level soon.
We took pics, since this might be our last chance to get any together...but none of them turned out so great, we were beginning to wonder what forces were preventing us from being seen in a picture together....haha, he is that friend who thinks the same nutty thoughts that I do.
The thoughts that he might go away for life scares me so deeply. But when I am with him or talking to him, I just try to be upbeat and positive and let him know that I really believe in him.
And then I come home and bite my nails....I wont have any once this trial gets underway.
Get An Email Alert Each Time SOFT_VAL67 Posts