Saturday, June 16, 2012
Well as most of you know who have read my blog recently, I have been struggling with this surgery decision for awhile.
And had an apt yesterday with the surgeon, but she called to reschedule.
For the 29th. They had wanted to schedule me as early as July, the first week.
But I have been so stressed out, with indecison, inablility to stick to the food plan and all the stuff going on with my friend, that I know that isnt going to happen.
I am supposed to go to a support group on the 25th, going to seriously try to go.
I am hoping to speak to them, not only about my concerns, and putting the surgery off til a later date, but about my stress over other events in my life and see if the psychiatrist takes my insurance, if not, I will have to get an apt with a counselor and that might take a few weeks.
I just know that I am not ready, not even been thinking about the surgery at all.
My friend was charged with murder....even though his friend who was there when this took place, said he really thought the guy intended to kill him and thought he was armed. ((if u arent aware of this, please see my last blog))....
They didnt even set a bond, then he went before the judge and entered a not guilty plea and bond was set at half a million full cash.
The family has been calling leaving messages for him to call them, but he hasnt, they are always told hes sleeping.
Today they were able to visit him and the guards said they have been giving him meds to help him sleep cause he was having screaming nightmares about the man he shot.
He goes back before the judge this week and they will ask for bond reduction to a surety bond, or property bond, but I dont think the judge will give it.
I have never in my life been involved in anything like this.
I have known people who have gone to jail, a few to prison....but this man is one of my best friends.
Just days before this we had a conversation about how our crazy friendship began and how connected we are to each other.
He told me he loved me and that I had been there for him when no one else had.
We used to sit and listen to "Wish you were here" by Pink Floyd, he would play it for me on his guitar.
and every time we had a FB conversation or sent each other an email, we ended it with, wuwh.....
and now, I cant speak to him, to let him know I support him, I cant see him cause visits are limited and I dont want to take it from his mom or kids.
So, I am just so stressed.
and I know that I cant concentrate on anything as serious as surgery.
I am just lucky to concentrate on anything.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Havent been sparking much the last couple of days.
This is one crazy story but true. Two nights ago, one of my dearest friends in the world shot and killed a man. I dont know all the details to the story yet, and since my friend is in jail, I cant find out the truth from his own words. So, I have just been frustrated and feel like I am walking in a daze.
All I know is, around 3am, someone called my friends house and told him this man was on his way there and said he was going to kill my friend.
He got his gun out and before he could even call the police or leave his home or hide, or anything the man was there knocking on the door.
According to a friend of his who was there, the man asked, thru the door for a cigerette, so my friend told the other man to slowly open the door to give him a cigerette, and see if he had a weapon.
Now I know this was the worst possible thing he could do in this case, he should have called the police, but the person who called to warn him says they had called the police to tell them that the man was threatening to go kill someone.
So, the friend barely opened the door to see, and the man said if "HE" is here tell him to come to the door, (speaking about my friend), and the other friend, made the mistake of turning toward my friend, tipping off the outside man that he was standing there, and the outside man pushed the door open a little and my friend, thinking he had a weapon, or feeling threatened I guess, shot him.
Now the man is dead and my friend was charged with murder.
They put my friend in the back of the police car and went inside and all around and talked to the witness and to neighbors, etc.
Leaving the dead man laying there for 4 hours, and my friend sitting in the back of the police car, crying and inconsolable, his sister, mom and son, all standing around outside wanting to help him and not being able to go near him.
I couldnt believe it when my friends sister told me he had been charged with murder!!
I just kept thinking, what was he supposed to do at 3 am, a person at his door, that he felt was there to do him harm????
What do we do as citizens to protect ourselves???
I guess the police are looking at it like that my friend could have left the door shut, or that the dead man wasnt carrying a weapon, which we dont even know yet, cause they wont tell his family.
It has been crazy, I feel like I am losing it.
This man is one of my best friends and biggest supporters in my life.
We have been there for each other thru so much and now, I cant do anything to help him.
All I can do is hope the prosecutor and grand jury will see it as self defense, or at least lower the murder charge down to manslaughter or involuntary manslaughter.
I havent had much mind to spark, or even worry about what I eat or what I do or anything.
Just trying to be there for his family.
Both these men were fathers and the thoughts of fathers day coming up this weekend, and one is dead and the other may be in prison for his life.
Shows me that there is so much more to life and living and making the most of our time and our choices.
Hope all of you have had a much better week than I.
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
The weigh in went better than I had thought, down 4lbs since I was there last 2 weeks ago, so, my scale matches theirs, I can no longer get mad at the scale.
I am so so tired, I had planned to go do some shopping afterwards, but it was raining hard and who wants to be out trekking back and forth between the car and the stores in the rain...not this girl, since it was raining the day I hurt my knee, I have this overwhelming fear of falling on a slickened sidewalk.
So, I have been up since 4am, and I am pretty much too pooped to do anything, but, relax the rest of the day and hope I feel well enough and the weather is nice enough to get in an extra long walk tomorrow.
Monday, April 30, 2012
First, thanks to all who responded to my rant filled last blog.....I didnt throw my scale to the bottom of the river or throw it from a moving car, YET..... but as soon as I find a new one I probably will, I am thinking of attaching it to some large skyrockets and sending it into orbit.....now to the other bit of aggravation I have been experiencing on a regular basis......Spark people insists on challenging me it seems almost every day, by changing my nutritional values.
I have blogged about this, and asked about this before, oh well, I dont know why they do it, I havent changed my weight or my goals.
I have learned not to weigh in on, cause that seems to change it too. I havent changed my weight or changed my ticker in ages, cause if I do, I then have to go and change my food and my fitness, of course it has become tedious and I am considering skipping this part of sp altogther if something doesnt change, or well, uh, remain the same I should say.
I hate that they change this on me it seems at least three times a week. I have to go in and manually enter each exercise now as well.
When did they change all this?
Well, I took some advice and havent gotten on the scale today, and let me just ask this, if its true that our weight can flucuate by as much as 3 lbs a day, then how the hell do you know when you've really lost weight?
I guess if you've lost 30 lbs then you can safely say the scale isnt wrong....but other than that I cant be sure.
I mean, you might weigh yourself after 7 days to find you have lost 3 lbs, but have you really?
I did pretty good today, with the exception of one too many weight watcher cupcakes, and the fact I skipped my long walk in exchange for weight workout here at home.
At least I did something.
Friday, April 27, 2012
I am so mad tonight I cant see straight!! I knew I shouldnt have done it, I told myself, dont get on that stupid scale, but I did anyway!!
Someone tell me how is it even humanely possible to lose and gain 2 lbs in one day????
According to my scale I have, got on it this morning, was very pleased to see that it was down 2 lbs over the last couple of days, and tonight, after a long long walk, a very good hard workout today and no more calories than usual, my scale says "oh, we was kidding ya this morning"!!!
I hate that mfer so much!!! I dont know what else to do, I literally just give up, I am sick of counting every damn bite and every calorie and scanning the menu or the food labels to try to make sure its not too much fat or calories or carbs or sugar, and walking, and lifting weights, riding the bike, all of it....and for what?
To just have my scale screw with my mind.
I cant get past it, and I am fed up, its probably a good thing I dont have tons of junk food in the house right now.....I am not even gonna ask what I can do, or not do, cause I have been doing this same damn crap for so long its not even funny and I cant even keep 2 lousy pounds off.
Tomorrow this scale is meeting the side of a tree!!!
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