Monday, January 30, 2012
today my son got some good news, and its been a long time in coming. now, he can get on with life and so can i.
i felt better today, even when that dreaded time came that i was thinking i was going to be so upset about.
but, i think maybe what i keep telling myself is beginning to sink in....to everything there is a season...a time to live and a time to die.
i know this and i know its time to heal and move on....i will never forget, and i dont want to.
but, i have to begin to find other ways to let the harshness of the last week begin to soften.
so, since my son has gotten the news we were hoping for and that is all behind me....its time to start a new.
i dont like to say im starting over, but i have to face facts, i havent been watching my diet, i havent been sparking and counting and keeping track of my diet.
i havent been watching my weight and i know i have gained.
so now its time to get back on track.
there is a beginning to everything and this is just a new one.
so all i can do is try and get back on track and start to try to get back to good health.
and i really really need it.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
the little grave i made for my little sparky, its makeshift right now, but soon, when honey has a few days off work, and i have less pain....we are going to fence the little area around him and put out some real flowers and i will buy him some kind of marker with his name.
yesterday we got out of the house and went for a very long drive, and spent the day just away from home.
of course feelings and memories stay right with u no matter where u go. but i know each day will make the memories sweeter and less painful.
i havent dreamed about my baby any, but i wake up every morning and he is the first thought on my head, each morning now for 5 days i have woken to the memory of me talking to the vet and crying and telling her i cant watch him suffer.
i hope how soon the memory is replaced with one of him playing, or doing something silly and just a sweeter memory than the one of his final moments.
i have felt so much change coming in my life, i feel like losing him is just one change that i have to deal with, a change in my routines....no more getting up early to take him out to the yard, routine changes.
health changes, body changes, life changes.
it is coming and i have to prepare for it.
i have a very rotten day coming up on monday and i hope to the lord this is the last time i have to do this one thing.
it has been dragging out for months and i hope there is finally some closure to this.
once this is done, i can move on and start focusing on me, get back to walking and reading and finding things to occupy me and my mind and my thoughts.
i just want monday to be done.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
well sparky is in his final resting place now....last night we buried him, under a tree, and in a little opening of trees so sunlight could come in....spring will be so welcome this year, so i can put some little flowers out, and im going to put a little fence around him and maybe put me a little bench so i can visit his grave....
i do understand that is just the resting place for his body....i know hes gone on and i know hes in such a better place, i do believe his energy and his spirit is off someplace making someone else happy.....running with his whole body again, not laying sick....i do believe this
i wanted to share a lesson i took from all of this....
i knew back in july when i agreed to let them do the hernia surgery that is was no guarantee, and with any dog who develops a perineal hernia it can lead to death, due to health complications and this is the case with sparky.
the surgery was really just a band aid on the bigger problem.
he never really healed internally from the problems developing.
bowel obstructions and prostate, etc...he lived 6 more months, but it wasnt all bad, he had some really good days, but he also had some pretty bad ones, and he had to be fed laxatives and soft foods that whole time and that didnt even keep the hernia and the blockages from occuring.
but my lesson was, i dont ever want any of my family, my son, my husband or anyone else to ever have to make that awful heartwrenching choice i had to make...
my baby looked right into my eyes, and i do believe he knew why i brought him to the vet that morning...he really looked at me pleading and i know he wanted me to go ahead and just say good-bye and i did
i sent him off to the next phase or whatever it is on the other side....with as much love and dignity as i could....
and he knew i was in pain, he was trying to comfort me even as i tried to comfort him....
but i dont want my loved ones to have to do that....last night i talked to a neice in law who told me that my mother in law is getting close to going to the nursing home, because what started out 3 or 4 years ago as a well organized group of caretakers, has dwindled down to maybe 3.....
and the father in law, is a hard man to deal with and wants things a certain way, but is also 84 and in bad health and everyone who in good faith had planned to care for mom has learned its alot harder than they thought.
and no one thought she would linger this long....even the doctors told us about 4 years ago to call in all the family, to say goodbyes....
everyone was willing and able then....
but now, its taking a personal toll on some, they have jobs, children, grandchildren, homes of their own to care for....
fights and arguments have become more the norm and even a few no longer speak to each other....and dad makes things even worse.
so, here they are, knowing its close to the end for her, as i had told honey in the beginning....there will be hard feelings, anger, jealousy, and a few who will just no longer be willing to do it anymore.
i never want my one child to have to be a caretaker to me.
i am going to have a living will made stating how i want things in the event i get so sick or disabled or my mind goes....
so, that i can go to a nursing home and live out my days....
i am ok with that decision. we try to keep our loved ones at home because we say its what they would want.
but i dont really believe that. of course if we all had our choice, we would want to die peacefully in our sleep free from pain....and in our own bed and home.
but i wont put that burden on anyone else. i also plan to lose this weight once and for all, if that means lap band or even gastric bypass surgery to help me to be more healthy...just to make my life have a little more quality and less pain and fewer health problems....i plan to eat better and walk and be as healthy as i can in body. and keep my mind as sharp as i can by reading and get closer to my spirituality.
i loved sparky and the vet told me he might could have another surgery and maybe even without surgery he could live a week or maybe longer, but what life was it?
he wouldnt have been able to walk or pee or poop or eat or anything
just lay and let the poison and disease eat him up from the inside and die painfully by being suffocated by paralyzation....
no way was i going to let my baby go thru that.
so why do we do it to humans???
i have a friend who has ms, and she was showing me a story about a man with ms who was unable to walk or use his body at all, wanting to die by injection....and of course people were fighting his wishes.
why do we do this?
is it because we believe god wants to have that decision and not humans?
i just dont believe the god i believe in would want to inflict pain or watch anyone suffer.
and its not just the sick person suffering, but the loved ones having to watch.
i found that out in all of this as well.....
i have lost loved ones, my brother, etc....but this was the first time i had to make that choice and hopefully the last.
i am going to encourage my son and honey to also make their wishes known....
i thought last night would be the hardest night, but it wasnt that bad...i did cry at the grave and have had a few tears fall this morning....
but i woke up with a calm and peacefulness....i really honestly feel his little soul is so happy now.
i envision him with whole body, running, his little curled tail wagging....i really see it in my mind....not the little sick boy
i know in time the pain will lessen and the tears will come less often.
last night after we returned home, bill went to feed our other dogs, and he said our pitbull leroy hadnt eaten his food from the previous day....he said he was sullen and didnt even jump around like usual...he is in mourning for his brother.
sparky went out in the back yard every single day to visit his two pitbull brothers, and while he was so teeny tiny, he wasnt scared at all....he would walk right up to them and give his little nose in a hello greeting....
i know they will miss him as well.
tomorrow i will post some pics of his little resting place.
thanks to all who have read and offered comfort.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Bill went up on our land and dug Sparky's little grave yesterday evening. I had planned to bury him tomorrow morning in the sunlight, but, its supposed to rain tonight, so, Bill is coming home from work an hour early this evening, so we can lay our baby to rest.
He will be missed beyond belief. I picked out a nice place, I plan to make a little flower garden over him as soon as I can, and until then, I will cover his grave with big river rocks, and make sure the ground settles and nothing can get to him, like wild animals, because the place where I am laying him is undeveloped right now, its woodsy......But I made sure Bill dug the grave deep and we have him in a little coffin.
I plan to go today and get some flowers and a grave marker of some kind to memorialize him.
People are called pet owners, but I never felt like I owned him or that he was a pet.
He came to be my baby. He owned me, or at least he owned my heart. I believe life is energy and we get energy from the lives we are with each day.
I was with this baby everyday of my life, give or take 3 or 4 days when I went on vacation or had to leave him with my mom when I had knee surgery.
Every day for 9 years. He fed my energy and kept me alive just a little more.
I do believe a part of me died with him, as he took with him just a little bit of my energy, a little piece of my heart as well.
Just the way the passing of any loved one. I know in time I will begin to think of him less often. And the pain of losing him will be outweighed by the knowledge that his pain is gone.
Just as any sick person we say they are out of pain.
I guess maybe we dont realize their energy passes into us a little when they die and we take on some of that pain.
I would gladly have taken all his pain.
But I will remember Saturday, he didnt seem to be in much pain, he was playful and that is what I will hold onto.
Yesterday I said I would blog more about how this all came about and the lessons I took from it.
First, my dog had never had any health issues that I was aware of until this past July, he had begun having trouble using the bathroom and I noticed he was bulgiing around his anus.
I took him to the vet and they said he had a hernia. The vet did surgery on him and told me that it wasnt a sure fire cure for the problem and that about 80 percent of the time the hernia comes back.
Well, Sparky did ok for about 4 months, around November he began showing signs that he was having bowel trouble again....back to the vet, they said give stool softerners, etc....it wasnt until around December that I notced the swelling again.
Same thing, keep soft food and laxatives. So anyway, the hernia had shifted, I was told to the other side, most likely they said it had obstructed his bowels, he had been having trouble peeing and they said his prostate could be swollen as well.
By the end everything was obstructed by the hernia and he had not defecated, so he was unable to digest food, up it came, and they explained he was losing blood flow to all the organs, and had probably reached his stomach and would eventually just suffocate.
I knew Sunday was the worst, I seen it in his little eyes and felt it when I picked him up....my dad always said a dog knew when its time had come and would crawl off someplace to die.
Sparky tried so much to crawl behind the couch and behind the tv all day Sunday, I knew he didnt want me to see him die.
So, I did what I knew had to be done, I just wish the vet had been in Sunday so his little life could have gone out with less pain.
I know the vet told me he had lost feeling but I think maybe she told me that to help ease my pain.
Next blog will be about the lesson I took away from this.....Thanks to all friends who said nice words and offered condolences.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Friday, my little dog Sparky was once again having trouble going to the bathroom, but, with some stool softeners and lots of water, by evening, he seemed to be feeling better and by Saturday, the swelling around the hernia had gone down to normal, he was eating and having bowel movements. And seemed to be feeling ok. Some of you who have read my blogs might recall that he had had surgery in July, I will blog more next time about the back history on that......
Sunday, he was in distress all day, whimpering and crying and moaning and panting. But still drinking water, which I always took as a positive sign, because when he wouldnt drink was when I worried.
But he didnt attempt to eat at all and threw up the food he had eaten on Sat. I knew Sunday that the end was near for him.
I had cried for him each time he cried out cause I could do nothing but hold him and try to make him comfortable.
Of course, living where we do, there are no vets open on Sunday, and emergencies seem to be for large animals such as horses giving birth, or something like that.
By late Sunday night, he was having trouble even walking to the water bowl. And when I got up at 4 am yesterday, he was just so lethargic, he tried to raise up and stand, but he had lost use of his back legs, I thought it had to be the hernia.
We arrived at the vets around 815 am and I knew when I carried him inside I would not be bringing a live dog back.
I thought I had reserved myself to that decision.
The vet came in and saw the shape he was in, she assessed that the hernia had cut off blood flow in the whole back area, the way she explained it was that he was slowly being paralyzed from the backend up, is probably why he couldnt keep food down.
She said there was a surgery available but not here and I would have to take him to Tennessee and that it was not a guarantee.
I told her, I cant stand to see him suffer another minute.
A little back history.....whenever I would get upset or cry or raise my voice, Sparky would always jump up on my lap and put his little nose right up into my ear, It was like he could hear my heart beating or my bp raising and he would nudge me and wag his tail until I petted him and calmed down.
So, when I began to cry in the room while talking to the vet, he tried as hard as he could to scoot across the exam table over to me, he looked right at me, like he was saying dont cry.
I calmed myself down and composed myself and when the vet left the room to get the paperwork.....
I pulled him over to me and put my mouth right up to his ear and whispered to him that it was ok, that I would be ok and that he would be out of pain in a few minutes....I told him what a good boy he was and how brave he was and how much love he had given me for 9 years.
He laid his little head down on the cold metal table and relaxed....He knew it was time.
They asked if I wanted to sit by him while they injected him, but, I chose to let that be my last look at him.
I kissed his little head and told him I loved him and went to the waiting room.
Maybe 5 mins later they brought him out to me in a cardboard box, they had wrapped him in his little fleece plaid blanket.
My dad and brother in law built him a litte wooden coffin out of red cherry wood and we wrapped him in his favorite blanket and we went to our land we plan to soon move to and picked out a spot, its in an opening of trees so sunlight can come in for flowers to grow and its under a tree so it wont be too hot.
I hate to take him there and leave him, because it was never his home.
This has been his home since he was just a few months old. But I know this isnt my land, I rent here and I know when I move I cant bare to dig him up and move him....so he will lay to rest there under the tree and it will be only 30 or 40 yards from where I will be living and can see his little grave whenever I need comfort.
He was given to my son as a gift for his high sch graduation in 2003 by his then girlfriend....he was a mix of chihuahua and pomeranian an he had a look to him that not too many dogs have.
No one could ever figure out his breed, he was black and white so they named him Sparkplug, of course, we chose to call him Sparky.
He was a faithful companion, a good watch dog, and loved everyone he met and was loved by everyone he met.
Delivery men would come to the door thinking they would drop off a package and run back to their trucks and end up in a game of fetch with one of his toys because he brought one of his little toys to each and every person who came to the door.
He loved to steal socks and hide them in his bed, I have found a weeks worth of socks hidden inside his covers.
I have so many good memories of my little buddy.
I will never forget him and I just will go on thinking that Saturday was his last day. Not Sunday of pain and desperation, but Saturday, running thru the yard to see the neighbors dog on the other side of the fence and being happy.
I hope no one ever has to go thru the hurt and heartbreak I did yesterday. I have lost pets but not like this, he lived in my home, he slept at my feet, he was there when I got up and there when I went to bed, he was there to bring me a toy to play or to just listen when I had something to say.
I know its going to take a normal grieving process and in time I will learn to heal and move on, but it is going to be a long hard road. I will never have another dog, I will never give my heart and soul to one to be broken again....He will be only one ever.
Remind me to blog tomorrow about one more lesson I learned in all of this.....it involves health issues.
Thanks for reading
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