SOFT_VAL67   80,941
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when do you give it all or not at all? can there be a middle?

Sunday, July 27, 2014

When do you get really serious about your health?
A man I know just died this morning, he was my age, 46. I have known him all his life, since we were little children.
and he has always been overweight, obese, morbidly obese.
I had suspected he had some kind of weight loss surgery in the last few years, as he had lost alot of weight, but he was still very obese.
He had been in and out of the hospital for the last year with heart condition.
He was sent to Jewish Hospital in Louisville, earlier this week for potential heart surgery, but he was too weak and he gave in this morning.
So, I once again find myself sitting here knowing I do not want that to be me.
I do not want to be like my father and have 4 heart attacks, a heart pacemaker and defib.
and still not be healthy,
My father at the age of 74 is now pretty well bedfast, of his own making.
He was offered in hospital physical therapy for 2 weeks to help build up his muscles and get him back up moving with the help of a walker or cane.
He refused.
Opting instead to come home and crawl into his bed, where he slipped out of last week and my brother had to try to get him out of the floor and back into the bed.
Parents become a medical burden to their children, usually not by choice, and usually after fighting to stay independent.
Not my father, he has given up. The only thing is, the doctors cannot find anything physically wrong with him. Other than the fact that he did work underground in the coalmines most of his life and therefore has breathing problems and wear and tear on his body, bones.
When do you decide to just give up?
When do you choose to fight?
I fought, then I gave IN, NOT UP, BUT IN.
I am the first to admit the last few months, I have been struggling.
I havent been careful about what I eat, mindful, but not careful.
I knowingly have eaten ice cream and burgers and chips and breads.
and every single time afterward, I have felt guilt, I have felt failure.
So, when do I start fighting again?
Proof positive that WLS isnt always the answer, a man I know had the surgery 4 years ago, he has gained back at least half of the 180 pounds he lost, and is now starting the process to have the surgery AGAIN.
He has undergone at least 5 bowel and stomach related surgeries since.
When do I start fighting again?
When do I say no longer will I accept that failure? When will I stop giving in to cravings and thoughts that its ok, now, worry about it later.
Well it is later.
I dont want to go out like them. I might, no one knows the future, even thin and healthy people develop illnesses that they cant overcome, the lady I stayed with last year before she passed, all of her life, she stayed busy, worked, and was in good health, physically.
But a fall and a broken hip and surgery and she never recovered, she went down hill from that day on.
So no one knows what is going to happen.
The healthiest of us, the sickest of us, no one knows how it is going to end.
But I know this, I dont want to struggle anymore.
I am killing myself not only with my food choices, salty and fat and sugary, but I am killng myself with what I am doing to myself mentally, back and forth with the depression over food.
I just dont want to go out like that.
I guess you could say at least those guys tried, right? Some look at it like surgery is the easy way out, well it cant have been easy for them, it cant have been easy for those others I have known who suffered health problems and numerous surgeries after.
I do know a few who have been successful after.
I think those people would have been successful without it if they had chosen that road.
That is one reason why I dont think I would be successful after surgery. Because I had a small success on my own, then I just got tired of trying. Well I have rested long enough, its time to get back to work.
I dont want to be in this place in my mind anymore.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LINDA7668 7/27/2014 10:05AM

    Thank you for speaking from your heart. I also struggle with the yo-yo effect often- I can do really good and then let it all go. You would think that after watching my father losing his kidneys to cancer and uncontrolled diabetes, I would change my ways. I didn't, instead I held on tighter to the comfort of food.

Today, I will refocus and recommit to becoming a healthier me. It's the best thing I can do for myself. I'm not going to let these setbacks stand in my way. We both deserve so much better. emoticon

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RIDLEYRIDER 7/27/2014 9:11AM

  The healthy person in you is taking all this overwhelming info and experience of those around you and is trying to do the right thing. Is it easy, definitely not, not ever, unfortunately. Success will come when you make a plan, small, easy doable steps...those small successes will lead to bigger ones, I assure you. Forget the slip-ups or the backsliding...we have all been there and can move on. Never, never, never give up. You are worth every effort! emoticon

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when its time to let go, let go, dont wait til your fingers bleed!!!

Friday, July 25, 2014

Today I had intended to make cabbage rolls, but instead I ended up just throwing everything into the crcok pot and I ended up with a delicious soup.
Cabbage, ground beef, tomatoes, carrots, mini bell peppers, of all colors, and rice.
Garlic, oregano and ground red pepper.
I dont know what its called, but it is tasty!
In other news. I got my appointment for August 4th to have my nerve conduction study.
Hopefully this will give me some idea of what is going on with my foot.
I know the ortho asked me to wait til Sept, his reasoning being that my foot hasnt been in this condition long enough for them to determine what is going on.
But he isnt the one who has to walk on a numb foot and not be able to walk for exercise, to just walk from the living room to the bedroom, etc, is annoying.
Not so much painful, just the constant feeling of a foot asleep, dead, numb.
I cant wait.
I dread it some too, I have been told these tests can be somewhat painful.
But the thoughts of walking around like this for another two months is more painful.

And in even more news, I have made a personal decision to delete some facebook friends and also, to cut some ties to some so called real friends.
I dont have girlfriends anymore.
Everyone wanted me around when they were single, when they wanted someone to have lunch with, go shopping with, hang out in the bar with.
I always thought, wow, I have such amazing friends, but what I discovered was that I was nothing more to any of them but filling, a wing-man!!
Well, it hurts to finally let that sink in that I wasnt really ever their friend, but just someone to fill a void while they were single, while their husbands were at work, or kids in school.
Now, when Honey is at work, if I go anywhere, I go alone.
I have stopped asking any of them to lunch or dinner, I have stopped asking any of them to go shopping, or to even just ride around with me while I run errands or vice versa.
No, I do not have one single friend out there who I can spend time with.
I dont know what it would feel like to have one of them call me up just to talk and laugh.
Or even Facebook message me,
I always make the move to begin a conversation.
And I know that for a long time, I probably wasnt every much fun to be around.
I went thru a very hard time during the first part of 2013, well, thru most of that year really, up til the fall at least. And another thing I figured out was, once the drama was gone, so were they.
Told me that they were probably just being my friend to hear how bad my life was so they felt good about themselves,
My so called best friend since grade school, who used to ask me to do stuff all the time, even if it was just to come to her house and sit on the porch and chat. she doesnt even speak to me anymore.
On occasion she will comment on something I might post on FB,
But our friendship as it was is gone.
I have no one.
But myself and right now, just staying at home and looking for something to do to kill the boredom of my life since i cant walk, I watch Netflix or read or clean house or SP.
Sometimes I just get out of the house looking for something to do, today I stopped at a few yard sales, but I didnt buy anything. I checked the mail and I came home.
Last week this mood hit me, and I decided to get out of the house and go look for something to do, but all that crossed my mind was places to eat, I went to the store intending to buy a bunch of junk food and get on a bender, but I didnt.
I know I need a job, or a hobby or to volunteer, but with the situation with my foot, I really dont think I can work right now. and besides, theres no jobs around here for me.
We dont have stores or fast food or shopping centers, close by, we are at least 20 to 30 miles from anything of that nature, or offices.
I have over 300 FB friends, and not sure how many SP friends.
But not ONE single real friend.
and believe me people, there is a huge difference between friends and FB friends.
A good many of them only want to be friends with you because they dont really like you, or they want to see your page so they can spy on someone you are friends with, or they want to see what about your life makes them feel better about theirs.
I get that,
I have been guilty of doing the same thing.
But, the way I feel right now, I dont really care and I know we are all just looking for one real friend.
I dont need 300. I need one. Who is real, who is genuine, who is flesh and blood and I dont have them.
I have had to come to terms with the fact that it must be me.
I must be needy or there must be something about my personality or maybe they dont want to be seen with me, or maybe I smell bad.
Whatever it is, I have had to accept it.
I am not depressed over it, I am not really sad, I dont hate them or really even care about them at all anymore.
It has sunk in that this is the way it is and so why hang on to those who dont want to hang onto me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAPECODBABE 7/26/2014 9:50AM

    So sorry you are feeling this way. Friendship is hard, you can't force it. I hope some friends come into your life soon. I have some great spark friends that have come into my "real" life, and I'm thankful I've met them.

I'm sure as soon as your foot feels better things will look up
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GORDON66 7/25/2014 11:28PM

  Until you see the doctor about your foot, you may want to put other plans on hold. You're dealing with a lot of anxiety and fear right now. When you're in a better frame of mind, you can be be a little more objective. If you're needing a little on-line company, let me know and we can "talk".

I do have one suggestion for you. If you crochet or knit, it's time to pick up a hook or a pair of needles. As you work your way through your unhappiness, you will be creating something beautiful.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CATRINAWINS 7/25/2014 7:32PM

    Quality of friends is much more important the number of friends. Social media sites like Facebook has changed how people view friendships.

But remember that people get busy at times in their life. I would at least reach out to your 'friends' and explain how you are feeling. From the outside, people's lives often seem perfect, but you never know what they may be going through.

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i talked myself into it, or did i

Thursday, July 24, 2014

I came to a conclusion this morning. I am a very very indecisive person.
Making something as simple as a doctors appointment, or a hair appointment, for most people, takes as long as picking up the phone and making the call.
But for me, it takes weeks of research, asking questions, and then picking up the phone and laying it back down at least half a dozen times.
I sit here, one month into this problem with my foot and still havent made an appointment with a Neurologist.
There are people out there reading this right now, thinking whats the big deal.
Well in a nutshell, I live in a very rural area, we are served by one hospital in the area.
There are 2 neurologists who see patients here and I have seen them, and do not care for them, both.
So, I cant decide, do I go ahead and take my chance with the lesser of the two evils, or do I branch out and go outside of my comfort zone and drive another 50 or 80 miles to the next area where there might be someone with hopefully more knowledge???
My problem is this.....I know this isnt going to just be a one time visit, I know they are going to want me to come back, twice, three times, four times, more?
If I have to end up having surgery, this is a burden on my partner who cannot take off work at will.
On my family who would probably have to drive me there and back, as I do not like to drive outside of my comfort zone either.
The lesser of the two evils is looking more desirable as I type.
The problem isnt so much the doctor, I went to this neurologist for quite awhile. It is the wait time to see her, hours and I mean that sincerely.
I have sat in her office up to 3 hours at times.
And the hospital she is affliated with, I do not care for.
But the numbness in my foot is not at all better and doesnt appear to be improving and the orthotics havent come thru yet, still waiting for that call.
So, the decision is becoming easier for me.
Second opinions are always an option.
I just really want to walk and I know if I am ever going to be able to get back to the track I have to take care of this problem.
I guess sometimes talking it thru is a good decision.
Am I going to regret this!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAPECODBABE 7/25/2014 6:27AM

    I hope you do this. Now. You need to be able to walk pain free. emoticon

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SOFT_VAL67 7/24/2014 8:37PM

    Thanks everyone, I made the phone call and now I just wait til they call me back with an appointment, hopefully it will be very soon.
And yes, I do have a good book I need to find an hour or two to read, thanks for the suggestion.

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SARAHSTORY23 7/24/2014 7:21PM

    Hey, I'm right there with you in putting off appointments for myself. My kiddos get everywhere they need to go, but me? The line I usually hear from docs is, "WHY did you wait so long?" Ultimately, though, taking care of things like your foot (and my back) is part of the journey to good health. Good for you for your decision.

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FITMARY 7/24/2014 5:12PM

    I agree with your decision and the other comments. Good for you for making up your mind and moving forward. It can be so hard, but talking yourself through it clearly helped. And using the time waiting as productively as possible will help it feel less burdensome. I hope you get the answers you want!
p.s. Beautiful dragonflies!

Comment edited on: 7/24/2014 5:12:49 PM

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MELISSIMAUS 7/24/2014 3:56PM

    If it's truly not the doctor, then maybe use the time to accomplish something—whatever that something might be. Reading some good books you've been meaning to get to? Writing letters? Researching something/making plans? Does sound to me like a wait in the office is the lesser of two evils.

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ONTHEPATH2 7/24/2014 2:23PM

    I would see her and at least get her opinion. At least you will know if it is just numbness due to foot issues - or a more serious problem. You can always get a second opinion from one of those out of town docs if you feel it is necessary. Waiting is not going to solve the issue. It most likely isn't just going to go away!

As my dear friend tells me, hiding your head in the sand isn't going to keep the lion from biting you in the a**. Be brave, pick up the phone, make the call!

"Hey Valerie, It's me your foot! I can't feel you! Think you could get someone to check it out? I know, you are busy. I know you are scared. But I really don't like being numbed out all the time! I kinda miss feeling! Thanks!"

Hope all goes well!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GORDON66 7/24/2014 2:11PM

  No you won't regret making the appointment. Just show up at the office with a good book, you iPad, crocheting, knitting, whatever. You deserve answers and peace of mind, and this is the way to get both. Good luck!

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calling dr. good manners

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

From the garden of my neighbor, who is 87 years old and still works his garden every year.
So, today I am going to visit the local farmers market, hopefully to find some green beans and local honey.
Also hoping they will have some fresh local berries. We picked blackberries in our yard til we got all the good ones, now they are just dried out.
I woke up in an optimistic mood, despite that my shorts are tight.
I am going to eat healthy today!!!
I will stay on track today.
I am going shopping today, going to try on some shoes, make sure I am buying the right size.
It has been a week today since I went to get fitted for my orthotics, still havent heard from them, but hoping they call soon.
In the meantime, I am wearing the old ones and trying to make an appointment with a neurologist, waiting on that call back as well.
Modern medicine!!! pfft!!! I hate the way things are now. Where I live, if the doctor is affliated with the local hospital, you cannot even call their office to make an appointment.
you must call a scheduling service, there is no personal one on one anymore.
Doctors do not know their patient.
And it seems lately all the ones I go to spend more time looking at a computer screen than looking at me.
This is what technology has gotten us.
Even if the doctor isnt the most friendly or has bad bedside manner, at least acknowledge me and speak directly to me and listen to me!!!
So far, its been 2 days waiting on the doctor to call me back about an appointment.
I will give them til Thursday, then I move on to the next one on the list.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GORDON66 7/22/2014 10:30PM

  You can blame the computer screen on Obamacare, because everything is centralized. Going to the doctor sure isn't what it used to be. Good luck!

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XANA97 7/22/2014 10:58AM

    I enjoyed your post. Quote for the day, "I woke up in an optimistic mood, despite that my shorts are tight." I'll be using that and crediting you. Cheers!

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are you there foot, its me, valarie!!!

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Today I wanted to walk so bad, so I laced up my shoes and went to the track.
For the first time in a month.

After only 20 minutes, sadly I had to give up.
My foot is so numb that all I could feel was my the numbness of my toes to go as a guide.
Fearful of misstepping with my numb foot, but then I began to have some pains up in my bend of my knee.
My leg is beginning to get numb as well up from my ankle.
I am very worried now.
It has been a month since this started, but it isnt getting any better.
My ortho told me the broken bone healed ok, but I havent seen the xray myself, so tomorrow I am going to get a copy of the disc.
He thinks the problem is lack of support and so I am waiting for new custom orthotics.
He says it might also be Tarsal Tunnel Syndrome.
No, I am not a diabetic, but this is a form of Neuropathy caused by what??? possible nerve damage from the long long time it took the bone to heal???

But, whatever it is, he wants me to wait til Sept to have tests conducted to find out.
Hoping new support shoes and inserts might help, but I am not wholly convinced.
I am bitter and angry and sad and upset that I cannot enjoy walking.
Why did these things, broken foot, numb foot, why did they happen to me after I started loving to walk????
Before when I was sedentary, I was fine.
I understand I put alot of work on my feet, but I was doing so good, now I am sidelined, yet again and I am just beginning to worry about this lack of feeling.
I really am.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GORDON66 7/21/2014 9:29AM

  In our town, the park district runs a fitness center. It has a pool, and there are regular sessions for water aerobics. That would be a fun way to get in some exercise, and you wouldn't need to put weight on your foot.

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CAPECODBABE 7/21/2014 6:22AM

    So sorry. Wait until September? That doesn't sound right. Maybe find a new doctor, you need answers!

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FOCUSD 7/20/2014 11:51PM

  Sorry to hear that you're not able to walk right now. hang in there, you'll be back. Maybe this will give you a chance to do other things and find out you love them? I want to start enjoying some strength training exercises.

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